A/N: I simply adore writing Series 1 Anna and Bates. Their relationship was so new, unsure. It's refreshing after everything that has happened to go back and explore this time in their love.

This is a two-part fic that explores what would have happened after the flower show if John was already divorced. Vera might not be an obstacle to him and Anna being together, but the damage she left in wake certainly is. Can John overcome his doubts and insecurities, and realize that he deserve love and happiness?

Hope you enjoy this! Part 2 will be up tomorrow! :)

Disclaimer: I do not own these characters

It was a cold night after the flower show that found John waiting for Anna in the courtyard. He had promised her an explanation when she had cornered him after dinner, and an explanation she would have.

"Because I love you, Mr. Bates…"

The words rang in his head, the most beautiful words he had ever heard anyone say in his life….and she had said them to him!

But this couldn't happen. He couldn't drag her down into his life of misery. Couldn't spoil her innocence with his past. Yes he was free, but his freedom didn't change the fact that he was nearly 15 years her senior, that he was a crippled, that he was a recovering drunk, and an accused thief. Even Anna's light couldn't change his past.

Just then he heard the sound of the back door, and her soft footsteps as they rounded the corner where he was situated on a crate…away from prying eyes. The silence was heavy. The ease of their friendship had shifted to a weighted tension that neither of them wanted between them.

"Anna…"

"Mr. Bates…"

They both smiled as they spoke in unison, then paused to let the other continue.

"Mr. Bates, this is silly. I don't want things to be like this between us…so…"

"Awkward?" He supplied the word with an apologetic smile.

"Yes…awkward." She looked to the ground, and he knew she blamed herself for the atmosphere between them.

"Please Anna…sit." He gestured to the space beside him on the crate, in hopes of making her more comfortable. She moved quietly to sit beside him, and looked shocked when he took her hand.

"Anna, I think it's time I was honest with you. The last thing I want is for you to feel embarrassed about what happened this afternoon, or for there to be any ill feelings between us." He rubbed the top of her hand gently with his thumb, and watched as she relaxed slightly. The simple touch sent shockwaves through his system, but he pushed them aside.

He waited for her slight nod as an acknowledgment, and watched her as she took a deep breath and finally met his eyes. He could see the faint trace of tears behind her beautiful gaze, and his heart shattered. He was going to hurt her….the last thing he wanted, but it must be done if she had any hope of moving on from him.

"Anna you were so brave today, and I meant what I said…you are a lady to me. But…"

"But…" she laughed cynically, it was such a foreign sound to his ears that it only served to break him further. "Why is there always a 'but'?" She smiled sadly.

"I wish there wasn't Anna. You have no idea how much. Please…just let me explain, alright? Then….then we will see what happens." He felt miserable for giving her a shred of hope when he knew there was none, but he just couldn't stand to watch her heart break, and know he was the reason. Selfish as it was…

She nodded, "Alright, I'm all ears Mr. Bates."

"You…you asked me before if I was married. I was, but I am not anymore."

"So you are widowed?" She asked.

"Divorced."

Her eyes widened slightly, before she reigned in her shock, and gave him a reassuring nod to continue.

"You see after my time in the army…after my injury…I turned to the bottle for support since I received none from Vera, my wife. While I sought relief at the bottom of a scotch bottle, she sought her own with other men. Can't say that I blame her really…I was a poor excuse for a husband."

"You had been injured in the service of the King, there is no shame in that. She should have supported you." He had to smile at Anna's insistent defense of him, even as she heard the gory details of his past. Maybe…no, he could not entertain thoughts of her acceptance. Surely when she heard the rest she would run. He softly placed his other hand over their joined ones.

"Thank you, Anna…but I'm afraid there's more, and it is not a pretty tale. Are you sure you want to hear this?"

"Of course I do." She said firmly. "If you want to tell me…I don't want you to feel like you have to. I also don't want you to think that this will change anything."

The look she gave him made his heart leap, and he had to push down the hope that was building inside of him. She didn't know yet, but once she did…

"I wish that were true Anna…I need you to hear everything before you make up your mind about me."

He could see that she wanted to argue, but she bit her lip and waited for him to go on with his story.

"I knew of Vera's infidelity. It was common knowledge in the area that we lived in. It only pushed me to drink more to tame the disgrace that I felt. I tried to get a job, but with my injury it was hard…I still hadn't learned to cope with the pain yet. We ran out of money…fast. My mother helped, but Vera spent it almost as fast as we could get it. One night I came home, and found a case of regimental silver hidden behind the bureau. She had stolen it…" He paused as Anna gasped. "I know…I don't know why she thought she would get away with it. When I confronted her she blamed me, and being that I was sober for the first time in several weeks, I let her. When the police came, I confessed to the crime. " Anna had large tears rolling down her face, and he was tempted to wipe them away, but stopped himself. "I served 5 years in prison for Vera's crime, but I used prison as an opportunity to get my life straight. I got sober, and vowed that when I was released I would be a changed man, a better man. I even vowed to give my marriage a real chance. To be a proper husband to my wife, even if I didn't love her, I had still made a promise to her. That was before I was paid a visit by Vera's attorney." He paused giving Anna a moment to process everything he had said. She was still crying, but she seemed to see where this was going, and made no move to speak so he continued.

"I had been in prison 2 years when I was asked to sign the divorce papers. Vera had apparently met someone who could provide for her….and she just so happened to be carrying the man's child. I signed them with no hesitation. I am ashamed to say that I was extremely relieved."

Anna felt moved to speak when he said that. "I don't know why…she sounds like a horrid woman. To let her husband take the blame for her crimes, then have countless affairs." John could see the anger in her eyes, and he understood. Vera was a horrid woman…but he had been a horrid husband.

"You're right, but she didn't play the only role in the destruction of our marriage Anna…I was…well, when I was drinking I was not nicest person to be around. I blame Vera for a lot of things Anna, but we both played an equal role in the turn our relationship took." He waited for that to sink in, and Anna nodded her head in understanding.

"But you changed…after prison?"

"I did. Not long after my release I contacted Lord Grantham, hoping he would accept me on here at Downton, and I could live out my days in peace in the countryside." He smiled down at her. "Little did I know what awaited me here."

She lowered her head, and blushed at the look he was giving her. He knew he couldn't keep the love from shining in his eyes, but he also knew he couldn't let it go any further than that.

"So now you see why I was so distant, why I must remain distant." He spoke softly.

"No I don't actually. Because what I have heard is the story of a man with a past, a man who made mistakes and learned from those mistakes, a man who is brave and gallant and loyal. You took the fall for your wife's crimes out of guilt, you turned your life around…that is the most noble thing I have ever heard." She turned slightly towards him, and John found himself incapable of forming words as he took in the look in her eyes. She was fierce, and determined, and God help him…she was so beautiful.

"Mr. Bates I know you don't think you deserve happiness. I know you don't think you deserve to be loved, but I am here to tell you that you do. I believe with all my heart that you are an honorable man, and I don't want you to let your past dictate your future. If you don't love me then I can accept that, truly." She took a deep breath. "But if you do love me, and you are simply letting your past keep you from having a happy life with me, then that is unacceptable."

"Anna…" He whispered painfully. Her words were beautiful, but they just couldn't be true. His past would taint their relationship…just like it tainted everything else, and he could not let that happen. Not to her. "I can't." He lowered his head to their joined hands, and felt the tears burning behind his eyes, begging to be shed.

"Why?" She asked firmly.

He looked at her with surprise. He had been expecting more arguing, not a question.

"Because of everything I just told you…because I can't let my past spoil you, that's why. You are far too good for me, Anna. You deserve so much more than an old cripple…you deserve someone who can give you the life you deserve, a home…a family. I can't give you that…" The pain seared him from the inside out.

"You can't? Or you won't?" He looked up to see she was angry. He lowered his head, unable to face her anger and hurt, but knowing that he must if he was to let her go. He waited, and she continued. "You tell me you're divorced, which means you are free to be with me, but then you say you can't? Mr. Ba….John..." She said his name softly, and he looked up with shock. The sound of his given name falling from her lips was one of the sweetest sounds he had ever heard. When he met her eyes he saw that she was blushing lightly at the sudden drop of formality, but her face remained steady as she gave his hand a tender squeeze. "John, you deserve to be happy. You may not be able to see it, but I do. I know you are a good man, and I know you deserve happiness, and a family and….well, I want to be the one to give you that. I love you, John."

He was shaking his head. "You can't love me, Anna...not after what I told you."

She gave an exasperated sigh. "Well I do love you, whether you choose to accept it or not is up to you, I suppose." The words came out harshly, causing him to wince, but she recovered with a deep breath before going on. "I meant what I said, if you don't love me back then I will leave right now and never bother you with this again. It's just...I can see that you do. Your eyes say that you love me, even if you can't say it with words."

He could feel the tension rising in him. It would be so easy to say no; that he didn't love her and let her move on. However they both knew that would be a lie...what was he to do? The confusion was bubbling inside him like a volcano about to erupt; he could feel the pressure forming with no where to go but out…

Dropping her hands, he stood refusing to make eye contact with her, knowing it would be his undoing. She waited for him to speak, but when he remained standing there in his brooding silence she spoke.

"Why won't you let yourself be happy, John? Why won't you let yourself love, and be loved in return?" The words were spoken as light as a whisper, but their weight was heavy enough to break him.

"Because I can't!" She flinched, and in the deep recesses of his mind he scolded himself. He had never raised his voice to her before, but he couldn't stop himself. The volcano was erupting. "My past has broken me, and I will be damned if I let it break you too!" His breath was coming in sharp pants, his chest tightening...he could feel the beginnings of a panic attack, but he worked hard to calm his breathing….he didn't want her being a witness to this. After calming himself slightly, he looked to Anna and saw that she was crying. Watching him struggle, and aching to help him but frozen. In that moment, as he shattered in front of her, he spoke the truest words he had ever said in his entire life. "No one has ever loved me the way that you do, Anna. But I don't….I don't know how to love you back."

Tears streaming down his face, he turned and left her standing there. He could only faintly hear her strangled cry of his name...her pleas for him to come back, but he kept walking straight inside, up the stairs, and to his room where he dissolved into a broken heap on the bed. Knowing that he had just destroyed the one piece of true happiness he would ever know.

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