Disclaimer: Not mine. Obviously.
Summary: Alex's mental state had been deteriorating slowly, bits and pieces cracking apart as he went through life as MI6's favored asset. It wasn't obvious as he was skilled at hiding his madness. Jack's death at the hands of SCORPIA was the final straw. Alex is fully aware of his own unstable mentality and decides to drop the masks of sanity, vowing revenge at nearly all costs. Blunt thinks he would be a liability and decides to send Alex away to Brecon Beacons to recover. Events will occur that will bring him to the edge of no return. Can Alex be saved? Or will he break for good?
Warnings: Slightly morbid themes, violence & vulgarity. This entire story is somewhat AU as I ain't read the series for a long time and Alex is much darker in personality.
A/N: This chapter has been edited slightly after a long unannounced hiatus.
Chapter One: Apathy
The tension in the air was so palpable that one could taste it had they wished to. The silence reigned in the gray walled office that belonged to a man clad in the boorish color from head to toe. Blunt cleared his throat, in an attempt to control his anger while maintaining his composure, and proceeded to address the seemingly indifferent teenage boy before him. Said boy merely smirked while he sat languidly on the plush swivel chair as he awaited the all too familiar speech that had been delivered by the Head of MI6 repeatedly recently. It was so familiar to him now, that he could even recite it word for word without thinking if he even cared to.
"What in the world were you thinking? You could have endangered the entire operation by being so careless, Alex!" Blunt finally spoke through gritted teeth at the blonde spy after what seemed to be an eternity. His voice retained the same monotone quality he had perfected over the years but the fury that flashed in his eyes were obvious to those who knew what to look for.
Alex simply kept his silence, smirk still on his face, as he tuned out the furious man and looked out the bulletproof windows at the bustling city coming to life in the early hours of the morning below. Blunt's ranting was amusing the first few times Alex had been able to get an answer out of the usually stoic man, but it had lost its charm after awhile.
He knew that he could have gotten those innocent civilians injured or worse due to his careless manner in completing the mission, but he simply didn't care anymore. The hopeful, naïve schoolboy was no more. Alex had become apathetic at best when it came to anything and everything. He didn't even care if he were to die anymore, which resulted in him being seemingly suicidal during missions, pulling risky stunts that no other operative or soldier would have had the courage to do. He had nothing to loose after all.
Alex was snapped out of his reverie when he realized that Mrs Jones had interfered with Blunt's admonishing and it was his cue to speak soon. And as per usual nowadays, he was right again. "Alex," Mrs Jones spoke gently as if talking to a child, "surely you understand how risky the situation was and how unfortunate it could have turned out. What do you have to say for yourself?"
Looking up at the two adults, he made sure his face was carefully blank and devoid of emotions. At least, that was what he wished he could have thought. Instead, it took no real effort for him to express such a emotionless mask at all. It had become his default expression aside from the occasional amusement or irritation after Jack was assassinated. He only had Tom left now and yet Alex was steadily pushing his best friend away. It wasn't on purpose and he would have tried to amend their friendship had he not been so emotionally stunted that he hardly cared. He was slightly saddened that he felt nothing, nothing at all when he thought of the mess his life was or when he thought of death. Not even the price on his head, courtesy of SCORPIA, could make him feel. All he felt was a mild remorse that it should turn out his way and that was all.
"What do you wish for me to say? I've completed the bloody mission. There weren't any casualties. Except those who had an accident with my knife. But aside from that, the mission went on fine. Everything was taken into account." Alex replied nonchalantly with a distinct lack of interest in defending his actions. Once, Alex would have been struck with guilt and grief for taking the life of another human being, however evil they were, but that sentiment was now just a fleeting dream that didn't exist in his current reality. He had danced with Death too often to think much of it.
"You leave me no choice then, Alex. You will be sent to Brecon Beacons to stay until you are able to comprehend how reckless you have been as of late and have repented. You have two days to pack seeing as you may be staying there for a long time." Blunt ordered with a resigned sigh. He was having a lot of headaches recently thanks to one Alex Rider. He had racked his brains, trying to come up with a solution to make Alex revert back to how he was before his guardian had died but so far all his trials and errors were for naught. He couldn't dispose of the boy either. Alex was far too valuable and was sure to create chaos if left alone or if he defected to the hands of some criminal group. The boy was once easy to manipulate. But now, it often seemed as if the tables were turned and that they were walking straight into Alex's traps.
Mrs Jones frowned and was about to protest seeing as it wouldn't be fair on Alex to not finish his schooling. She had always had a soft spot for him; however horrible the sixteen year old acted the past few months after Jack died. She didn't want to take away the last semblance of normalcy from Alex after all the tragedy he had been through in his short life.
Alex surprised them both by nodding pleasantly and an angelic smile crossed his features. Though if you looked closely, you could see that the smile didn't reach his deadened pools of brown. He wasn't one of the best spies in the world for nothing; his acting skills were top notch. "Of course! You're right, Alan. I should go clear my head and top up my training with the SAS. Not a bad arrangement if I may say so myself," he replied lightly in a sugary sweet voice, the pleasant smile still intact. He had taken to using the first name of both Blunt and Mrs Jones whenever he addressed them just to annoy them. "I think I should go now. Need to go to school. Don't wanna be late, after all. See you soon!" he added, and stood up with the grace of a dancer and walked out of the office, leaving the two dumbfounded adults inside the room. They had expected Alex to refuse just as he used to. But they were disappointed once again by Alex's easy acceptance in whatever task they decided to send him to do. He truly had changed.
Walking out of the Royal and General 'Bank', Alex grinned to himself and started to hum an old lullaby that seemed familiar although he couldn't place where it originated from, as he walked towards his school's direction. He had a car but left it at home seeing as he didn't feel like driving today. It was still rather early and he had more than enough time needed to walk to school on at a leisurely pace.
To be honest, he had expected the punishment to be something more... creative. It seems Blunt was steadily running out of ideas on what to do with Alex. But it didn't matter to Alex seeing as he wouldn't have declined to go on another suicide mission anyway. He didn't mind anymore and it gave him a perfectly 'legal' excuse to go on a mad killing spree. After having lost all his inhibitions when it came to murder, Alex even derived pleasure from the act. He also found it fun to retrieve information from his targets by the means of torture, and his methods were very creative indeed. He was even more brutal than SCORPIA's torture expert, Dr. Three. Aside from that, he had also found that he liked receiving pain to a certain degree and could withstand it more so than an average person.
Alex was well aware that he wasn't mentally stable and that his mindset was gradually changing for the worse. He knew that soon he would be just like, or even worse, than the madmen that he had been forced to eliminate when he was still a mere schoolboy in an adults world. But he just didn't care and found it amusing that Mrs Jones would try to get him to speak to psychologists so that he could be 'fixed'. He was well beyond salvageable already. But since Mrs Jones still had some hope left in him, he decided to play along because he knew she truly did care about him. Not many people did nowadays, not that he minded. Most of the psychologists ended up wasting their time and some even had to get psychologists of their own after giving up on Alex. It must have been a novel experience for them.
Around twenty minutes later, Alex had reached Brooklands Comprehensive School and entered the wrought-iron gates into the school grounds. He sauntered through the halls towards his locker and proceeded to put in the combination to open his locker.
It was funny how the whispers and ridiculous rumors still followed him wherever he went inside the school. His peers were a pathetic bunch in Alex's eyes and he saw them as mere children trying to seem all 'grown up' by the way they acted. Not many students dared to be anywhere near his personal bubble aside from Tom but seeing as their friendship was strained recently, Alex was now completely a loner. And it suited him fine.
Sometimes though, the occasional idiot would try to show how brave they were and prove that they were better than everyone else. They would try to confront Alex and always ended up running with their tails between their legs. He didn't fight back when they attacked him, but he loved screwing with their minds and found it was a good exercise for practicing his intimidation skills. Especially since he knew more about them than they did themselves from reading their files; so when he attacked verbally, they would be humiliated and usually wouldn't dare to venture anywhere near him afterwards.
There is an exception to every rule though, and the exception was an idiot named Brandon Phillips. He was one of the most popular guys in the school and would always attempt to make Alex's life a living hell. But Alex usually paid him no mind and ignored him. He had faced far worse and a little boy trying to intimidate him was something he found both amusing and irritating. It was a good thing that Alex had strong self-control. Otherwise, Brandon would have long ended up a corpse dumped somewhere deserted with no means to even trace the murderer.
"Hey, Druggie!" Ah... speak of the devil and he shall appear. Alex turned around to face Brandon and his lackeys with a raised eyebrow, waiting for the idiot to complete his sentence.
"Shouldn't you be hanging with your druggie friends? What are you doing in school?" Brandon sneered and looked at Alex as if he were a detestable bug that needed to be eliminated from the face of the earth.
Alex shrugged and said nothing. The whole scenario was cliché enough as it was. No need to add more drama for the school to gossip about. Seeing that Alex was not rising to the bait, Brandon tried again. "What? Too chicken to say anything? That American slut you live with tired of you yet?"
He may be apathetic towards many things but that didn't mean he couldn't feel emotions completely. Alex was still a little sore about Jack's death and he didn't appreciate anyone insulting her. "You might want to shut up if you'd like to retain the use of your mouth, before I decide to dislocate your jaw." he threatened calmly, his voice entirely devoid of emotion. His face held no expression as he glared at the idiot. Anyone with eyes could see that Alex wasn't joking as he regarded them with a critical eye as if sizing them up like they were his prey.
Brandon and his followers seemed to be able to feel Alex's cold intent to hurt them without remorse and started to retreat slowly in fear. They knew that Alex could fight, and fight very well, indeed – but he had never seemed so willing to dish out any sort of punishment before, always the one to disarm and placate verbally instead of fighting back physically.
Brandon tried to pretend that he wasn't more than just intimidated by Alex's demeanor but the truth was, he was terrified by the dark emotions swirling in those brown orbs that looked like his uncle's who was an army veteran who had seen too much of the world. "You should just crawl back into the hole you came from, Rider." Brandon retorted before he fled into the relative safety of the classroom, all the while keeping up the act that he was superior to Alex. Everyone in the vicinity could tell that it wasn't the case.
Alex smirked darkly at the retreating figure as the tension rolled off his shoulders. "Too bad, I happen to like it here." he said, mostly to himself although it was in reply to Brandon's retort.
All throughout his classes, Alex didn't bother to even pretend that he was paying attention. He already knew most of the topics his teachers were teaching and found it a waste of time to listen to something he already knew. He spent his time finishing up the homework that had piled up from his frequent absences. It was easy and he breezed through his work at an astoundingly quick pace, as Alex had studied the subjects with the tutors MI6 had provided to help him catch up. He would be of no use to them uneducated after all.
The teachers had learned to leave him alone where he sat at the back of the class doing his own work seeing as whenever they tried to catch Alex off guard with a sudden question regarding the subject, Alex could answer without hesitation swiftly in a matter of a few seconds. It was the same in every other class he was in. The teachers would ignore Alex while he returned the favor. The same could not be said of his peers however, as they were intent on gossiping about his latest disappearance. Often, Alex would wonder how dense they were to whisper so loudly and the way they glanced at him occasionally while whispering was a dead giveaway. Did they not know of subtlety? He could hear them loud and clear for goodness sake!
Although they probably did have good reason to gossip this time 'round; seeing as Alex had returned in what seemed to be perfect health from his latest mission. What they didn't know was that beneath his long sleeved shirt, a myriad of scars and bruises were added to the collection. They were just minimal enough to not warrant any sort of urgent medical attention as Alex had planned it to happen that way. Most missions rarely caused him to get hurt anymore and he would often deliberately let the 'bad guys' hurt him in some way or another just to satisfy the morbid pleasure he derived from receiving pain. He didn't mind that he had scars marring his once unblemished skin that would probably stay with him permanently throughout his life, as he didn't find them to be repulsive. Instead, he found them to be beautiful in their own distorted way. Before Jack's death however, Alex would have thought of his scars as unwanted trophies and proof that he had survived yet another day.
When the bell rang, signaling that it was time for lunch break, Alex collected his belongings and walked out of the slightly stuffy classroom filled with curious eyes. He didn't wait for Tom anymore. He used to; but had not been doing so for the past three months since Jack was killed by SCORPIA. They made sure he watched as they tortured poor innocent Jack just because she was affiliated to Alex. That was when he let go of his conscience and swore to erase SCORPIA once and for all. Of course, that didn't mean that he would be stupid to think that he could do it alone and in a short amount of time. No. He would do it slowly. Just to strike terror into their hearts as they awaited their turn. Each and everyone that was connected to SCORPIA would face his wrath in a painstakingly slow manner. He would take great delight in watching them squirm.
When Alex entered the cafeteria, many of his peers glanced at him in what seemed to be an attempt to be discreet. Alex just rolled his eyes at the absurdity of it all and strolled over to the line to buy his food. He bought himself an apple and sat in his usual spot in the corner of the room with his back to the wall. His eyes swept through the cafeteria as he observed the mass of teens as they interacted with one another, mild interest shining in his eyes.
Biting into his apple, Alex continued to survey his surroundings for any anomalies by force of habit. He wasn't concentrating on watching a particular person, but from the corner of his eyes, he could see Tom striding over to his table with a determined expression on his face. Alex chomped on the juicy red fruit and waited for Tom to reach his table with a certain degree of wariness. He knew a confrontation was about to occur and he wouldn't run from it, however much he disliked telling people about himself or his problems. Tom was his best friend, so the least he could do was offer an explanation on his sudden change in behavior.
"Alex..." Tom started tentatively as if Alex was made of fragile glass and would break if he said one wrong word. "Why have you suddenly... changed? I know Jack's death was hard on you, but... why are you pushing me away?" The black haired boy rushed on quietly, in a seemingly desperate tone as his blue eyes gazed into Alex's brown ones sincerely. Tom only knew of Jack's death as he had been to the funeral.
Alex chuckled bitterly. "Oh, Tom," he replied with a sardonic smile. "You have no idea, do you?"
"Then tell me! I can't stand it. Not knowing what's wrong with you. I'm supposed to be your best mate! And yet, you seem to be avoiding me. It's been three months, Alex. You've been acting really weird recently. Why are you acting like nothing is wrong?" Tom snapped at the blonde smiling before him.
"That's because nothing is wrong. In fact, everything is as it should be." Alex replied in a gentle tone.
"What do you mean?" Tom demanded with a frown.
"Exactly what I've just said, Tom. There is nothing wrong with me. All that has changed is that I've stopped trying to pretend to be something that I am clearly not. I've stopped acting like I care anymore." Alex continued in that same gentle tone that adults often used with little children. Before Tom could say anything more to this new revelation, Alex cut him off by continuing to speak as he ignored the look of horror that was slowly dawning onto Tom's expression as he started to understand the implications behind Alex's words.
"I'll tell you everything, Tom, since I feel as if I owe it to you for being there for me all these while," Nearly everything at least. But Tom didn't need to know that. "They tortured and then murdered Jack right in front of me. When she died, I was saddened. But I was also liberated. It seems that her death was all it needed for me to wake up and stop believing in illusions that were never true. I am a weapon. So I decided to do what I was meant to do. SCORPIA will pay, though. And I don't care what happens to the rest of the damned world but since you are one of the only ones left that means anything to me, I will ensure your safety. You can trust me on that, Tom."
Alex finished with something akin to passion in his cynical words, but they were merely there to convince Tom to leave him be to his own devices and not to interfere. He was a master at manipulating people into getting what he wanted and was not ashamed to use this skill against anyone. At one point where his still had his conscience, Alex would have felt bitter and sad when manipulating people or lying to them. But now he found that there was nothing wrong with doing so, especially since he was so good at it. Why waste such a valuable talent that had saved his life time and time again?
Alex stood up and left the table where Tom was still sitting at, trying to digest the new information. He tossed his unfinished apple into the bin as he passed it on the way out of the cafeteria. Alex paused and looked back at Tom who was staring at him with worry and sadness evident in his clear blue eyes. Shooting a rare genuine smile at his best friend, Alex turned and walked off towards his next class just as the school bell rang.
The rest of the day went on smoothly. Or at least, as smooth as it can with curious peers trying to not-so-discreetly get an answer out of Alex on what he was up to with all his disappearances and injuries.
Alex, being Alex, was used to being interrogated. The students attempts – at getting answers to sate their curiosity and add more juicy bits to the gossip spreading around the school regarding him – didn't faze him in the slightest. Mostly he treated the rest of the student body as if they were invisible like the air. You knew it was there but you didn't see it.
When school ended, Alex headed straight home. He still lived in the terraced house in Chelsea after Jack died. It was only him now. The house had a lonely feel to it, as if it had been uninhabited for a long time. But that wasn't entirely the case seeing as Alex did live in the house which was filled with bittersweet memories. Every single person in his family was dead. His parents died while on the plane to France due to a bomb, courtesy of Ash, his damned godfather, who was later shot by Ben Daniels. Ian was killed by Yassen Gregorovich. And now Jack was gone too. He was alone.
Sometimes, Alex would sit in the living room couch and stare at the wall. He would spend hours just sitting there like a lifeless doll and just thinking, remembering. His heart would ache and silent tears would fall from his eyes. Eyes that showed how miserable he truly was. It was a depressing sight if anyone were to come across it. So Alex only let himself break down when he was alone at home occasionally, just so he could feel. Feel the raging emotions that he always kept locked inside the darkest pits of his heart. Most of the time it was because he was sick of feeling so numb. To the point where he couldn't feel even if he tried to. Perhaps it was just another of his masochistic tendencies. Perhaps it was his plea for help to a merciless world that could do him no good in picking up the broken pieces of his life. He didn't know himself. He was far too shattered by the weariness that he could feel deep in his bones. Alex had thought of giving up completely before; yet he didn't. He may not care much for his wretched life anymore, but he had sworn that he would make sure SCORPIA was going down with him at the very least. He wasn't about to break that vow.
Today was one of those days that Alex decided to sit down and mope. Although he could tell that this particular method in making himself feel emotions was losing its effect fast. He couldn't dredge up an ounce of emotion to feel today. No regret, no anger, no sadness, no bitterness... nothing. Just a rather oddly pleasant numbness that he was getting familiar with more and more each day. But still, he stared at the wall in his living room even when there was nothing left to feel.
A/N: This is my first story, so do tell me what you think.