I wrote this in Microsoft Word, so the HTML is a little cluttered, and I used the mail merge for the mayor's name in Part 5, so it says «MayorName», instead of whatever her name is, because I forgot. Make your own!
Chrono Crossover Christmas
Part 3
Foreword: Yes, of course, due to my laziness, I have allowed this fic to get a bit out of season. But, even still, I'm going to write it any way. If you have a problem with that, then send all flames, death threats and credit card numbers to nuclearfusion2000@yahoo.com
Last time:
Now:
The plane cruised through the air, entirely oblivious to the fact that it was being tailed by a large silver flying machine from the year 2300 A.D. Inside, Mina was jittery about something. However, it wasn't the fact she was carrying the stolen pants of the man that started a war against Guardia in 600 A.D. Nor was it that she was wearing something from the sixties, or that her friends were as drunk as she was. Well, since she was drunk, was probably why she wasn't worried but also hyperactive. But only for the time being. Once the hangover kicked in, she would be a pile of slush, and the airline would get in severe trouble for serving alcohol to a minor of 14. But for right now, she was as happy as could possibly be.
The airline attendants voice crackled over the speaker system, "We are now arriving in Hyrule." The speaker system was a karaoke machine, and the airline attendant was the pilot, and the jet was actually a small Cessna. You wouldn't expect a major airline to go to a remote place would you? Didn't think so.
Back on the Epoch, things were no better. Cloud was drunk and ready to keel over and Magus was having trouble staying awake after a few septillion shots of tequila. A lot of trouble, in fact. The Epoch was having a bit of a time with trees and other large objects that shouldn't be in the middle of the ocean but were. It then almost smashed into Terra Tower, but a timely belch by Magus jeered it out of harm's way.
The Cessna touched down on a strip near Hyrule Castle. A young man dressed in green came running out of his house waving a sword in threat.
"Why the heck you landing in my yard?" shouted the young man. "Have you not any respect?"
"Who are you?" asked Serena, genuine innocence filling her face.
"I'm Link, the protector of this island. Now, to ask you in the nicest way possible, Get the %*(% away from my house!!!"
Lita responds by picking Link up and throwing him into the air. "Come on. Let's go."
The scouts walk off, in the direction of the Eastern Palace.
Up in the air, Magus and Cloud where recovering from the hangover when Link smashed into the Epoch jarring it out of the sky. It plunged towards the ground…
"We're all going to die!!" Magus screamed like a girl and jumped into Cloud's arms.
Cloud then proceeded to throw Magus down. "What the heck is the matter with you? Oh yeah, you're gay! Who the…?"
Cloud looks down at Link. He helps Link up by himself as Magus was cowering in the backseat. After Link was up, Cloud takes control of the Epoch and lands it near Link's house.
"What the heck are you landing in my yard, too? I'm getting sick and tired of you pieces of sh-" Link is cut of by the knowledge of a bomb strapped to his front door. "A bomb!"
Cloud, Magus and Link rush to defuse the bomb. The only problem is, none of them know how.
"Scissors," Cloud says, after suiting up in a surgeon's uniform. He uses the scissors to snip a few miscellaneous wires. The count down speeds up. "Ahhh! What am I going to do?" Cloud screams in mortal agony. Magus sits up. "I know!"
Magus reaches onto Links back and pulls out a bow. He loads it up with an arrow. He then takes the bomb and places it on the tip of the arrow. "I will now shoot the bomb into the distance so it will blow the junk out of some hapless bystander instead of us."
"Uh, Magus. I know that in your meaningless quest for something incomprehensible, you may have not realized that the arrow the bomb is on, is a fire arrow," Link inquired.
"Oops," Magus oopsed. "I messed up…"
"Yeah," Link said. "And you're also not wearing any pants."
"Hey! I'm not not wearing pants because I want to! They were stolen…" Magus trails off.
"Who stole 'em?" Link asked.
"HEY! In case your memory is that much of a short term one, a bomb is in your hands, with a flame right next to it. Now, you might want to get rid of it about now," Cloud says.
"Huh?" Magus looks down. "Aaaagggh!"
The bomb suddenly explodes, and Magus, Cloud, Link, and the Epoch, are all blown into the air.
At the Eastern Palace, Mina and her friends and two cats look for a switch by the entrance.
"I wish we had that green clothed dude with us. He looks like he'd know what he was doing," Serena grumbled.
"I know what I'm doing," Ami said.
"You know what you're doing with everything. Except for maybe in sex, but that's another story," Mina said.
"What?! How would you know that?" Ami cried.
"Greg told me. He's a nice guy. Once you get to know him," Mina said with a smug look. "But it's not like he told me aloud, or anything. I have that love sensation. After all, I am the senshi of love."
Ami looked fumed, until she notices something. "What's this sign?"
The sign reads:
|
|master. He looks like
|
|
|_____________________|
Ami's face goes pale. "I think this is the deaf one. We had better be careful."
Link lands in a tree, and Cloud lands on a rock. Magus lands on an owl.
"Hooo! *hack cough cough sputter* Get off me!" the owl screeches. "I'm not some kind of pillow. I'm trying to find Link to tell him something!"
Link shoves the tree off himself and stands up. "What is it?" He asked. The owl moves over, and straightens up regally. It then says, "There are five mysterious girls and 2 cats on this island and-"
"We know about them you stupid owl faggot!" Link jumps on the confused owl and wrestles it to the ground. Link then proceeds to beat the junk out of it and gets up, leaving it on the ground. "Serves you right! Everyone hates you anyway!"
The three heroes hop into the Epoch and fly off towards the Eastern Palace.
"What is the point of having this man's pants?" asked Rei. "They're so smelly and gay looking."
Luna sighed. "The pants contain a great black magical power, and we need to find a way to destroy them. There should be a clue how around here somewhere."
Ami looks up from her computer and glances around the room. "From what I can tell, there isn't anything, anywhere."
"Things aren't always what they seem, Ami." Artemis inquired and jumped up on a ledge.
The ledge slipped sideways and Artemis slipped off and severely injured himself. He looked up and saw that a door was opening. He also saw that at the last moment, a large ball fell on his head.
"Owww," Artemis whined. "That hurt my tiny cat brain."
"Shaddup and let's go, you pansy!" Luna growled, ready to pounce if Artemis showed any resistance.
"Oh, alright…"
Across the island, the Epoch flies full speed into a large tree. "Who dares disturb my sleep?" The tree looms greatly before them.
"The hieroglyphics say that the actual clue is in Lindblum!" Ami exclaimed, after a brief inspection.
"Eh? Are you saying we came all the way here for nothing?" Lita asked.
"Well, not nothing. We did blow up that green clad fag's house. That was pretty cool." Rei chuckled.
"Well, now we need to go to Lindblum, and the fastest way is through the Great Deku Tree." Mina said.
Link looked up and saw his bud, the Great Deku Tree.
"Wassup?" Link screamed.
"Wassup?!" the tree returned the greeting.
"Wassup!?!?!"
"Wassup!!?!?!!?!"
"Wassup?!?!?!??!?!?!"
"Wass-*cough!*"the tree sputtered as a bunch of teenage girls flew into his mouth and down his throat.
"G-Go! A-aft-er t-th-m!" The tree ordered.
"Huh?" Link scratched his head. "What'd you say?"
"Hey! I didn't stutter!" the tree argues.
"Yeah you did! But we're going any way, so don't worry." Magus says.
"Wait! Why are you not wearing any pants young man?"
"It's a long, demented, senseless story," said Magus.
"Well, you're not going to go into my mouth like that!"
"I agree, Magus get some clothes." Cloud says.
After about ten minutes, Magus has a pair of Deku leaf shorts. He looks stupid, but not as bad as he did before.
Cloud stands on the end of a root and points his hand forward looking like George Washington crossing the Delaware. A breeze blows through, giving a dramatic scene. "Let's go!" Cloud exclaims, before hopping into the Epoch and starting it up. "Get in before I go without you!" With that said, everyone jumps in and they go flying into the mouth of the Deku tree.
Chrono Crossover Christmas
Part 4
Foreword: Ah ha! You knew it would come out soon! Never
underestimate the power of the keyboard.
Last time:
In Hyrule, Magus and Cloud meet Link, whereas, they all meet the Deku Tree, and the Sailor Scouts find out that a clue to destroying Magus' pants is in Lindblum, and blow up Link's house. Magus gets some Deku Leave shorts, and Cloud, Magus, and Link follow the Scouts through the Deku Tree's Mouth to Lindblum.
Now:
"Ewww…" Complained Mina. "This stuff is nasty. huh? Oh Ami, what's wrong?"
"I'm still pissed about that comment earlier," Ami replied sullenly.
"Well get over it!" Mina inquired.
Back on the Epoch, Magus' Deku leave shorts can't take the speed and fall apart, disintegrating into thin air.
"Great! Just when I think I'm normal!" Magus complains, as the end of the tunnel draws near.
"You'll never be normal," Link replied.
The darkness of the tunnel gives way to light, and on Gaia,
they are. "Alright! Lindblum is basically to the south of here," Cloud recites
from his ragged world map.
"So, what are we looking for?" Link asks. "An ancient sword, a Bombos Medallion? Something like a fairy bow?"
Cloud shakes his head in disgust. "No! We're not interested in finding weapons of destruction like you. We're trying to get Magus' pants back!"
"Why?" asks Link.
"Because," Cloud answers, "That's the source of his magical power."
"Yeah!" Magus says. "Do you think I'd be chasing them around if I still had magic? No! I'd zap my pants back in a second! Or I'd buy a new pair after mugging some passerby."
"Ohhh! I get it now! You've got the Master Pants!" Link says.
"No! They're not Master Pants, they're my pants. Now let's go find them!"
Lindblum was in chaos.
"Give us the secret to destroying the Evil Black Pants!" Rei screamed. More returned screaming of bloody murder and rushing to protect their pants ensues from the villagers.
Mina captures a running male villager and begins to coo softly to him, acting sweet, trying to get the information from him. She whispers sweet thoughts into his ear.
It doesn't work.
"We'll have to get it straight from the Regent," Ami says.
Soon, in the royal palace, the scouts capture the regent, and begin to interrogate him by forcing him to watch Barney.
"Unhand that ruler!" Everyone looks upward to where the voice came from. Serena drops her ruler and discontinues her homework. It's Cloud and Company, here to save the day, and the pants.
"Go away! This is our business!" Lita shouts.
"So?" Magus says. "Those are my pants!" Link looks amazed. "They ARE the Master Pants!"
Magus sighs, and proceeds to kick Link in the rear. Link falls on his face, causing the scouts to laugh.
"It doesn't matter," Rei says. "We have the information we need. We know how to destroy your pants…"
Serena looks up. "We do? I thought all we could get was where the information was."
"SHUT UP!" The scouts hop on their spiffy flying carpet, and fly off towards Kattelox Island.
"Drat!!! I thought I had them!" Magus yells. "After them!"
Magus hops into the Epoch and starts it up. "Get in!" He says.
"Hey, but, what about the Regent?" Cloud asks. "We can't just leave him here to suffer watching Barney."
"Who says we can't?" Magus asks matter of factly. The Regent screams a muffled scream. Outside, thousands of villagers scream back. Magus walks over to the window.
"Shut up you stupid ninny ninny dumb dumb poopoo heads!"
Magus yells out the window.
Magus grows angry. "You too!"
The woman gets pissed. "That's it!" She throws a pointed staff at Magus, which barely misses him, then she teleports up next to him, and introduces herself.
"I'm Royce. I can see the past, present, and future. Unfortunately, I have now seen your demise!" With that said, Royce pimp-slaps Magus, and then teleports out, laughing, just as Alex, Nall, Mia, Kyle, Jessica, and Nash rush in. "No! We lost her again!" Alex buries himself in self-pity. Mia and Jessica, and for some strange reason, Nash, are more interested in the pants less Magus. Magus and Nash immediately take a liking to one another.
"Now, now, Jess. You know you shouldn't look at things like that." Kyle says. "Just look at the puny size of it!"
Jessica turns and slaps Kyle across the face. "Shut up! I don't like you, nor do I like this faggot!"
Magus replies, "You got that right, sugar." Nash groans.
Mia says, "We'd better go…" She had a deep crimson blush on her face. Cloud was amazed. She looked a helluva lot better than Tifa.
The Lunar gang walks out the door, dragging Nash. Link realizes that the Master Pants are long gone. "Hey, we better go after those girls now. They still have you pants, you know. Myght want to go get them." Link climbs into the idling Epoch. "To infinity, and pant's!" Everyone hops in, and off they go…
"Ermm, which way is Kattelox?" Mina asks. "I don't see it…"
Ami sighed, "Well, as it is a world covered by endless water, it may be hard. We should probably—there it is!"
All the scouts cheer, and they fly upward to the Island. Up
there, a blue guy by the name of Mega Man greets them—--with a full armada of
explosive security weapons.
Chrono Crossover Christmas
Part 5
Omega Chapter
Foreword: Well, this is it. The final chapter in the epic saga of love, destiny, and pants. Whilst this series has been entirely senseless so far, this part shall have a little (just a little) seriousness in it, just to let you know I'm not completely insane. Read on for the unfolding story of the pants…
Last time:
After traveling to Lindblum, the
scouts destroy the place, interrogate the Regent, and discover the power to
destroy the pants is on Kattelox Island.
Now:
"All right, now," says Rei. "We come in peace."
"Who are you?" Mega Man asks. He levels his Shining Laser on them.
"We're friends, here to destroy some pants," Mina says. "And we have work to do." She
then proceeds to attempt to use Venus Crescent Beam, but Roll fires the guns, and Mega
Man mows them down with the laser.
Suddenly, as Mega Mans weapon energy runs out, and Roll runs
out of ammo, the firing stops.
"Why, it's that Blue Boy again!" Teasel sneered. "I told you I'd get you, and this is my weapon of choice. All right boys, ransack this place. I want everything of value that isn't nailed down, got that? I don't even want a toothpick left!"
"Uh, Master Teasel?" A servbot, #31 asks. "What about the toilet paper?"
"Well," Teasel answers, "We may be pirates, but we're not barbarians. We'll let them keep the toilet paper."
"Yes Sir!" 20 of the 40 servbots acknowledge.
"Nice to see you Mega Man," Tron coos. "Still hanging around with that blonde bimbo-." "Hey!" Roll yells. "—Aren't you?" she finishes.
Mega Man scratches his head. Tron goes into lala land. "He's so cute when he's confused." She thinks, before saying, "Servbots 17, 19, 22-40, man your battle stations!"
"Yes Miss Tron!" Echo some servbots. The others sing
The servbots scramble to their servbot borers, and start them up. Then they come after Mega Man, vengeance on their faces. Mega Man, seeing as he's not in danger because servbots are idiots, stands until the last moment, before using the Shining Laser in a circle around him. The borers blow, and the servbots lay on the ground, burned.
"D'oh! You stupid good for nothing servbots!" complained Tron. "I don't know why I even bothered to build you in the first place!"
"Awww, Miss Tron!" Servbots echo. "We're sorry!"
Tron sighed. "Go back to the Gesselschaft II, alright?"
"Yes Miss Tron," the servbots sullenly go to the Drach waiting.
Tron turns back to Mega Man. "Alright Mega Man, we know you can pick on things smaller than you, but can you beat something thirty times taller than you? Let's find out, shall we?"
The robot begins to move, then takes a step. It barely misses smashing the scouts into the ground. Mega Man realizes that his SW energy is out, his Energy Canteen is empty, his Buster Parts are malfunctioning, his jump springs don't work, his jet skates propel backwards, his helmet has a hole in it, his Zenny has been robbed, and his Life Shield is broken. All seems lost.
Suddenly, Cloud, Magus, Link, and some strange newcomer smash with the Epoch into the robot, currently named the Hoovran, and blow a hole through it. It falls to the ground, where Tron changes its name to the Junkpile. Teasel goes psycho, and the Servbots end up carrying him off in a straightjacket.
Cloud hops out of the Epoch, and introduces himself, Magus, Link, and the newcomer, Zero. Mega Man and Zero catch up on the times, while Cloud dreams of Mia, Link dreams of swords, and Magus—well, Magus dreams of Nash, and of the previous act of bondage with Royce.
"You should have been more prepared," Zero complains, unsatisfied with Mega Man's training. "Always keep a picnic lunch, and an RPG Game to play while you blow away the enemies."
"*Sigh* Yes, Master Zero…" Mega Man sulks over to the Junkpile, where Tron is busy kicking its head in.
"Sorry about that," Mega Man tells Tron. Tron just looks at him, smiling, on the verge of tears, and on the verge of success.
"Mega Man," begins Tron. "I'm—I'm sorry for all the trouble I've caused you." The tears begin to flow. "I only did it as an act of—well flirting. Mega Man, I…" Mega Man smiles. "I LOVE YOU, MEGA MAN!"
Tron jumps into Mega Man's waiting arms. He swings her in a brief arc, as two lover's have become one. "I'll never bother you again, Mega Man. Never." Tron says. Mega Man gives her a squeeze. Roll gives her a dirty look. Mega Man doesn't care. He has found true happiness at last…
Mina pulls her bloodied self off the ground. "Stupid people," She growls, "I'll get you, and I'll get the pant's yet."
"Yeah," Lita says, as she gets up. "It's not over."
Ami lifts her head. "That's correct. We still have the upper hand."
"The great fire has now told me what will happen," Rei lifts herself off the ground. "And in the end, we are victorious."
Serena stands up. "This planet must be free of all influence
of evil, and pants.
She holds her hands over her chest, forming a heart with her
hands.
Magus, and only Magus, falls to the ground, twitching. No one else is affected.
"Serena! It seems that your energy alone has only an effect on those that are pure evil!" Rei calls to her. "We'll give you our energy, to focus on the others!"
"Jupiter Star Power!"
"Mercury Star Power!"
"Venus Star Power!"
"Mars Star Power!"
The good old "Power of Love" theme starts playing somewhere in the distance. Maybe a resident has just completed Cryogen?
The light from the crystal turns from pure white to a rainbow of color. Suddenly, a bright flash, and the light is focused into a small radius. Serena turns the beam of light onto Cloud.
"Bwaa!" Cloud yells as he is blasted, and lands on the
ground some 50 yards off.
"Maybe the Mayor will have it?" Ami suggests hopefully.
"Maybe," Lita says. "But we can't just leave these guys here alone. They might come to any moment now."
"Don't worry," Mina says. "I've got that covered."
Off the scouts go, towards city hall.
After an hour or two, Cloud and Link come to, some time after Magus did, finding themselves guarded by an army of Pink Bunnies.
"See!? I told you there were pink bunnies and Sailor V involved, but 'nooooo!', Magus has to think it was a hallucination caused by the rapid consumption of alcohol!" Cloud complains.
"Hey bub!" One of the Bunnies grunts. "Keep it down!"
Cloud groans. "And they talk too…"
Link gets up. "Well, they're just bunnies. We can take them."
Cloud hops up to his feet. "Yeah! You're right!"
Magus slowly stands. " Maybe…"
The bunnies grimace at the sight of the pants-less Magus.
Link takes his sword off his back, and Cloud does the same. Magus gets behind them and cowers.
Cloud lowers his gaze. "Bring it on."
The bunnies circle them, then pull out AK-327844633's, at which Cloud begins crying.
This never would have happened if people in RPGs didn't throw you in jail with everything you own anyway.
"OK," Cloud grumbles. "This could be a problem."
The bunnies level the AK-327844633's. Magus gulps.
"I don't want to die without pants!" Magus wails. The bunnys respond by throwing him a pair of pants. "Let me rephrase that," Magus corrects himself. "I don't want to die without my pants!" Magus waits for the bunnys to throw him his pants. They don't.
"Well, suit up Magus," Cloud says darkly. "We're going out."
"Ewww!!!!" Link yells. The bunnys roll their eyes. "No!" Cloud says. "I meant we're busting our way out of here!"
As if on cue, or in response, the bunnys put away their AK-327844633's and pull out Bazookas. All definitely seems lost, and it probably would be if another hero(heroine) didn't happen to be nearby.
"Hey! Over here, you big dumb rabbits!" She yells. Everyone,
including Cloud, Link, and Magus with his newly acquired pants, look around to
see where the voice came from. "Psst!" Came the voice from Cloud's left
shoulder. On it sat a tiny fairy, who just happened to not be wearing
very much clothing. "Hey!" She says. "My name's Pfil!"
"OVER HERE!" All the bunnys start running towards the sound. Pfil returns to the gang, instructing them to follow her. She flies in the opposite direction of the bunnys, and they escape.
Meanwhile, in a cheap, rundown, old Motel, Tron and Mega Man "express their feelings" for each other.
At the mayor's house…
"AH hahahahaha!" Mina laughs evilly. "Tell us how to destroy these evil black pants or—"
"Or what?"
"Or else we'll—" Mina looks around. "We'll… uh, um, errr, that is—" She shifts. "Oh! We'll write on your desk!"
"No!"
"Then tell us!" Mina screams.
"You have to—"
Will they succeed in
The Epoch suddenly smashes through the ceiling, once again
leaving a gaping hole.
"Stop right there, you've gone far enough!" Cloud stated indignantly.
Mina stares angrily at the pursuers, but then turns back to
"Ah HA!" Mina cries triumphantly. "We know how! Serena, pop out that Silver Cystal."
Magus stares wide-eyed. "No! I won't let you!"
A dark light then begins to swirl around Magus. He constantly switches his view between both of his hands, which are now bathed in darkness. His hair and cape billow in the ensuing wind, as his pants dissolve. Everyone that was looking at him immediately divert their gaze.
As the darkness gives way to light, Magus is still encircled with it. Everyone notices that he's wearing a new pair of pants, identical to the original.
"Magus! You have your pants back!" Pfil complains. "Just when it was getting good, too" She grunts(as best a fairy can).
"They're not my pant's. They're a new pair, yet somehow, they have the same power." Magus replies.
Mina slowly comes to the realization that the pants in her hands no longer contain any magical power. The rest of the scouts sneak out the window and run.
"I'm sorry," Mina says sheepishly. "I never meant anything by it."
"Well, too bad," Magus replies. "Because now I'm going to get you for all that you've done. You took my pants. You made Cloud go hopelessly insane. You blew up Link's house. You took all of Mega Man's special energy. You did nothing to Zero. And, you gave pleasure to Pfil by taking my pants. You're going down. DARK MATTER!"
Two spinning triangles kick the crap out of Mina, and she is hospitalized. Permenantly.
A few days later, everything is back to normal. Pfil went back to stay with Pamela, Mega Man, Tron, and Zero start a family, Link rebuilds his house, and goes back to protecting Hyrule. Magus regains his title of worlds evillest man, and Cloud drinks more eggnog to return to his world, with Tifa. But he also brought Mia along, and they beat down Tifa, and then the two live happily ever after.
THE END! FINALLY!!
Now, for the statistics provided by the good old Word 2000 at school
Part 1
Revisions=3
Total editing time=12 minutes
Words=456
Characters=2081
Characters(w/spaces)=2507
Part 2
Revisions=5
Total editing Time=15 minutes
Words=503
Characters=2306
Characters(w/spaces)=2791
Part 3
Revisions=32
Total editing time=76 minutes
Words=1694
Characters=7604
Characters(w/spaces)=9265
Part 4
Revisions=28
Total editing time=62 minutes
Words=1035
Characters=4845
Characters(w/spaces)=5835
Part 5
Revisions=71
Total editing time=168 minutes
Words=2229
Characters=10270
Characters(w/spaces)=12407
Compilation
Revisions=82
TET=180 minutes | Words=5887 | Character=27163 | Characters(w/s)=32863
Wow, I spent so much time on this fic, it isn't even funny. Actually, the net product is. I hope you enjoyed this as much as I did, and appreciate the time that was put into it, and it quite possibly could be one of the longest fics ever typed. I really started describing with part 3, and I liked that one and on the best, because of the high quality. Thank you all, you've been a great set of readers. Email me at nuclearfusion2000@yahoo.com and tell me what you thought, please. Thanks again, and good bye! And now I'm just typing to hit the 6000 word mark. There!