Title: "Butch and Brie's Game Plan"
a.k.a. Game Plan AU in greens
Summary: Butch, I know this is a big surprise, but Brie is your daughter. I need you to watch her for a month. It's an emergency, I'm sorry, I'll explain when I come back from Africa. Written and Printed from Buttercup Utonium's desk.
Pairing/s: Greens, Reds, Blues
Warnings Include: Mature language, Character death, and some other things...
It's the last quarter with seven minutes left on the clock, Butch Johnson grits his teeth in frustration from the previous play, with the rest of his team mates in equal turmoil.
"Folks, this is it, fourth down and thirteen yards to go. And the score is Twenty-six to twenty-one, Seattle Seahawks. Will the Johnson brothers pull a miracle? Or will the Hawks win the season?"
Butch spares a glance to his older brother, the quarterback, Brick Jojo dubbed as the Red-eyed Bludgeoner. His brother's ginger hair is spread all over his frame- some tangled in his helmet that Butch just knows will annoy him later.
Butch looks over to his younger brother who is looking at him in slight annoyance- Boomer is a free safety. Butch shrugs subtly in silent communication- no, he doesn't know what Brick is planning.
Then in one quick motion, the ball is snapped, and Brick runs.
WHY DIDN'T HE MAKE A PASS? Butch shares this thought with the Half-back, Mitch Mitchelson, who looks more confused than anything at the moment.
Brick runs to the side, he's weaving and dodging and running over those seahawk fuckers. And he's holding the football precariously. Jesus Christ, have mercy on his brother.
He won't make it- not with fucking Mike Believe on the field, Brick's only weakness being his slim figure. Neither Boomer nor Brick were really able to build muscle like Butch had over the years- thus why he's the tallest and largest of his brothers.
And suddenly, like a light bulb turning on, his body moves before he can think more about it, and he runs- runs like the wind just in time to spot Brick throwing it. BUTCH IS NOT A GUNNER, DAMMIT! It was in the direction of no man's land, but Boomer, bless him, is already there and caught it with no forewarning whatsoever. Butch is a good twenty yards away from the zone, Boomer wheezes through like lightning, skids like he's dancing the limbo to avoid a random seahawk, throwing the football to Butch.
The coach, who is cursing and yelling "This is not the game Plan!" makes Butch want to throw away his helmet with the damn headset.
And Butch is still running, shouldering two players of the rival team. He jumps, sticks the landing, raises his hands;
"TOUCHDOWN! It's a touchdown from the Baron of Berserk, everybody! Another smooth play from the Johnson Brothers delivering a new win under the New York Giants!"
"How are the Giants planning on celebrating this win?"
"Oh, they're having a party." Brick answers
"Hosted by yours truly." Butch cuts in
"They're?" The woman asks
Brick nods; "Yeah, my new wife and I are gonna do dinner at our favorite restaurant, Daniel Boulud's."
Butch rolls his eyes- of course Brick would remember to advertise the new sponsor.
"They're trying for a baby." Boomer adds playfully
Brick backhands his brother in the cheek playfully. "Not that Boomer's any better, he has a date."
"With that Victoria's Secret model, right?" Butch adds
"She's an angel. F off."
"I'm sure we'll hear more about that soon." The woman smiles
"Yeah, those wide receivers just run in terror at the sight of me, baby." Butch brags
The girl giggles, running a hand over his arm. "You must be bigger than what they're used to."
Butch grins, "Well… wouldn't you like to know."
"Is it true that you were married, once?"
Butch groans internally. Why does this have to be brought up? It was a Vegas marriage, alright? Apparently the papers are making him out to be some man-whore that won't settle down. Just because Brick is newly married, and Boomer has a secret relationship doesn't mean he's ready for a commitment either.
"Mitch, my man. This is Sally-
"Susie"
"Susie, and uhm, I'm gonna get the pizza downstairs, alright?" He tells them, then whispers to Mitch; "keep her"
He exits the living room, dodging guests and the like to go to the elevator, instead of pushing the button for the Upper Ground, he pushes the button for the rooftop. Johnson Condo Units, three buildings, all with fifteen floors, and all his. A private garage, a top-floor en-suite, a big jacuzzi of his own, a public and private pool, a VIP's gym, state of the art technology, and a number of fancy cars- all a product of his hard-earned money from football, and the people renting the condo units.
Butch leans over the rail.
He just won. And with a touchdown too.
He should be happy…
But then, why isn't he?
It's like there's something missing, a puzzle piece he can't seem to find that only looks to be filled when he's either drinking or whoring. It sounds so barbaric that even he is getting sick of it- sick from it, even.
The phone from the living room is ringing. Butch falls off the bed, startling his golden retriever. He scrambles to get to the phone. His dog watches him from the bed.
Hungover from last night's party, he speaks with a lightness, "Hello?"
"Buenos Dias, Señor boss man. I have a visitor for you in the lobby. A girl named Brie?"
Butch makes a face, "I don't know any Brie…"
"A young lady… uhm, black hair, ehm-
"She cute?" Butch asks curiously
"Oh, very cute sir. Muy, muy lindo."
"What're you waiting for, Arturo, my man, send her up!"
Little did he know...
A young girl with wavy black hair stands on his doorstep with one black suitcase, an MLP backpack, and a yellow minion stuffed-toy.
"But I don't want any money, I wa-
"Hold on, I know what you want! An autograph! Stay right there, kid, I'll get you my best portrait!" Butch doesn't close the door on the kid this time, what a mistake it was.
"You have a puppy!"
Butch comes back to the living room to find the girl sitting cross-legged on his carpet, petting his dog.
"Kid! What the- dude, you shouldn't, what're you- You can't just walk in on a stranger's home like this! What if I was a serial killer or something. There's a lot of weirdos and maniacs and criminals out there, didn't your mom ever teach you that?"
The kid pouts, stands up slowly, looks up at him. "I'm sorry."
"How did you even get here, kid? Who sent ya? Are you one of my tenants' kid? Locked out or something? Where's your ma? Hm?"
"On an airplane."
"On a- on a what? Is this some kind of 'Home Alone' bulls- thing going on? What about your dad? Do you know where he is? God, I swear, if he's one of my tenants, I'm gonna have a serious word with him. He must be worried sick, I'm sure he's looking for you, do you know his name?"
The corner of the kid's lips turn upward in a hauntingly familiar way- troublemaker, this kid. "He's not looking for me."
Butch raises a brow in silent question.
"He's looking at me." Her familiar eyes look straight at Butch.
ALERT. ALERT. ALERT.
Goosebumps spread from his arms like a sign from above, and the black suitcase outside his living room door catches the corner of his eyes.
"Hi… we've never met before, you were married to my mom- Buttercup Utonium. My name is Brianna Utonium, I'm your daughter."
"Read again?" Boomer asks
In a lazy tone, Brick reads from the couch, "Butch, I know this is a big surprise, but Brie is your daughter. I need you to watch her for a month. It's an emergency, I'm sorry, I'll explain when I come back from Africa. Written and Printed from Buttercup Utonium's desk."
Butch groans. "She cannot be serious"
"I mean… the kid looks like a mini you… so…"
"We could always do a DNA test?" Brick offers
"Yes, let's go do that." Butch agrees
Boomer holds up a hand. "Or. We could ask Buttercup. Kid, Brianna, sweetie, do you know your mom's cell number?"
Brie shakes her head in a negative.
Brick asks next; "Email?"
"They don't have internet there. She's helping the sick!" She says proudly
"How old are you, kid?" Brick eyes her suspiciously
Butch lights up for a moment, but then the kid says; "Eight… well, almost. I'll be eight in July."
July. The divorce papers were finalized three months before July- which is why Buttercup didn't wanna see him- if he did see her then, he'd have known she was pregnant.
"Oh sh-
Boomer puts a hand over Butch's mouth before he could finish the sentence.
"We could still do the DNA test" Brick says, coming to the same conclusion Butch had.
"I have a birth certificate." The kid proceeds to unzip her backpack again. She rummages for a second before revealing the 'birth certificate'.
Brick makes a grab for it, making Brianna frown at the rude play.
"well?"
"It's… It, ah, looks… legit."
"You have no idea what a fake birth certificate looks like, do you?" Butch asks before face-palming at Brick's nod.
Boomer grimaces "Ima is gonna murder you for this. This is the kind of stunt that's gonna get the team bad press."
Butch, always up for pissing off the higher-ups, shrugs; "If she's mine, then everyone's just gonna have to deal."
Brick removes his right hand from his temple; "Wait, wait, wait. Doesn't Buttercup have a sister? What was her name again, or was it a he…?"
"Yes, the younger sister! Your Aunt, do you know where she is? What's her name again?"
"Brute" The girl says plainly
"Yes, yes, Brute. Where is she?" Butch nods eagerly at the kid, now eye-level with her.
"Auntie Brute is in the military… she graduated from West Point years ago… I dunno where she is."
Butch runs a hand through his spiked locks; "that's right, Buttercup always did say Brute was gonna be a soldier"
"So… still gonna need that DNA test?" Brick asks
"Yes. Otherwise, they'll say Butch just picked her up from somewhere, and I'd like to call this a stunt but it's looking more and more like it's not." Boomer answers
Silence.
"Can I-
Butch is interrupted by three different ringtones.
"It's Ima" Brick says looking at the caller ID.
"Yep, It's Ima." Butch confirms
"Hello?"
"Press conference in an hour, Convention center. Be late and it'll come out of your salaries."
Boomer pouts as the call ends.
"Shit" Brick curses as his own cell ends the four-way call. Boomer and Brianna look at Brick who looks apologetic for cursing in front of the kid.
"Oh no… What about Brie?" Butch gestures to the kid sitting next to him on the semi-circle leather couch.
Brianna sits in the passenger seat in Butch's football helmet- there's no backseat in a customized butterfly car in dark green, after all.
"You need to start making up for those eight years you've missed, daddy. Twenty Questions. Let's get started, shall we?"
"Kid, now is not the time for an interrogation-
"One- what is your favorite color?"
"Green" he answers automatically
"Cool. But mine is lime green, like mommy's eyes."
Butch's right eye twitches once, did Brick just stick his tongue out at him? Oh, oh it's on. Brianna's eyes widen a bit when her father starts going slightly above the speed limit. Butch catches Boomer's face on the side mirror, the blonde has one eyebrow raised and a smirk before gaining on him. The silent race against his brothers doesn't deter his daughter;
"Two! What's your favorite thing to do?"
"Football" Butch answers before yelling; "Oh, come on!"
A car had just passed before him, making him permanently third in the unofficial race. THAT IS ILLEGAL, ASSWIPE- the light isn't even yellow yet, damn.
"Three. I'm allergic to nuts, do you have any allergies?"
Butch, as if just remembering the existence of the other occupant in the car, blinks. It was common knowledge that the Johnson Brothers were allergic to nuts- did the girl know this beforehand or did she truly not know this?
"My brothers and I are all allergic to nuts." he says carefully
"Four! What's your dog's name?"
"Oh, his name is Jojo. Like, Johnson but shorter."
"We're here. No more questions, just stay here and don't let anybody see y-
"No! One last question! What… What's the best thing that's ever happened to you?" She smiles at him
"Winning NFL games, duh. Now, stay here. Don't let anybody see you, alright?"
She watches him get out of the car, nodding to her Uncles, she pouts. As if she's gonna listen to him, though.
The little girl watches as the football players walk through the curtains- in her head she surmises that she's in some sort of backstage area, failing to spot the NFL trophy in the glass case.
Once the curtains are pulled and the trophy revealed, a lady with silver blonde hair screeches; "Who's kid is that?"
"D-daddy? ...uh oh..." A deer caught in headlights is how she looked. Trouble, he knew she was trouble, he knew, he damn well knew.
"Uh oh is right, kiddo"
The rest of the team gape in shock at the one who spoke.
"Butch? Tell me this is a joke."
Butch grins at Ima; "Nope. As it turns out, I have a kid. Y'see, my ex-wife, everybody knows about her right? Okay, good. And everybody knows we didn't end on good terms, right? Right. She hid her from me, my own daughter. I was deprived from spending eight years with my daughter, and suddenly, whoop- there she is. She just landed from a, ugh, right there in my doorstep. No warning from her whatsoever. Instant dad. Funny, that. On the morning after my party too, it's a mess on top of a mess. But, I mean, whatcha gonna do, right?"
Brick inwardly cringes at how badly his brother just handled the press.
Boomer, thank goodness for Boomer, steps in; "Of course, we're not sure that she's his kid just yet. We're gonna do a DNA test first, and if it's true, then as the letter instructs, Butch will have custody of Brianna for the month while her mother is gone."
"She's in Africa helping the sick!" Brie chirps happily
"You can trust, that once Buttercup is back, the matter regarding custody of Brie will be discussed thoroughly." Brick finishes
"What is this?" Blossom asks as she shoves the tablet on Brick's face.
Brick clutches his temples, lays back on his swivel chair. "I don't know, what is it?"
"It's an article judging our marriage. And who is this Brianna, huh?"
Brick groans. "Oh My God, are you serious? I'm trying to find a way to decline Mister Morbucks' proposal and you're here on my ass for a kid? Butch's kid?"
Blossom makes a face but remains silent, waiting for further explanation.
"Here." Brick opens the Youtube app and searches for the NFL channel. Yup, it's still there. 'New York Giants' Interview turns into Butch Johnson's big reveal'
As soon as Blossom finishes watching, she pouts; "And what is he doing about it?"
"You mean, what am I doing about it? Well, for starters, I got Butch to hire a DNA specialist. The results will come in a week, more or less. And then I got Boomer to pay a visit to West Point, so we can contact Buttercup's younger sister, wherever the fuck she may be. Finally, I have to get Ima off of our backs; this wasn't any of our faults, if anything, it was Buttercup's because she never said anything about having a kid with my stupid brother."
Blossom sighs, caresses Brick's tired face; "Come on, let's get you out of this office. Dinner and I will not be ignored for your shipping corporation."
Brick nods reluctantly.
"Bubbles… will you… will you go to my opening night? As my date, I mean?"
The blonde in his arms turns to look at him. "I… I dunno, Boomer… Do you think I should? What type of club is it, anyways?"
"I promise it's not sleazy. It's a dance club, with a dance floor, and I have this disco ball hidden in the ceiling. And there's a DJ booth, and a stage for open mic nights. It's clean, I promise, Brick even looked it over- it's legit."
Bubbles hums, "I'll go under one condition."
"Anything"
"We announce our relationship."
Boomer's eyes widen; "Are you sure? But didn't you sa-
"I know what I said. That was a year ago. I'm ready now, and I think it's also time I introduce you to my father…" Bubbles says, smiling as his eyes widen even more.
"W-what brought this on?"
"I guess… it's the kid-" Boomer gasps, Bubbles shakes her head, "Not ours, obviously. Brianna. I saw how you stepped up to defend Butch. I mean, he could've handled it better- even if it's not his fault he suddenly finds himself with a kid. And… your football team won daddy over when you won a few days ago. Amazing teamwork with your brothers, by the way."
"Okay… okay, cool. Uhm, when… when am I meeting him, your dad, I mean?"
"Dinner this Monday, okay? After your practice?"
Boomer nods nervously, "yeah, that's okay"
Bachelor's pad. This means one bedroom en-suite. No guest rooms.
Which is why Butch finds himself taking his Winter Blanket out from the closet and into the living room, along with two pillows he got from one of the unoccupied condos below his floor. Brie didn't like the thin blankets from there, claiming it would be itchy.
"Can you tell me a bedtime story, daddy?"
"First night here, and you're asking me for a bedtime story? What's next, gonna ask me to cook for you too? Sheesh."
Brie frowns at him.
"Fine, fine. Bedtime story…"
A few minutes later, the tables have turned with Brie telling the bedtime story and Butch having fallen asleep on the semi-circle couch. Brie pouts for a second, a little mad that he didn't listen to her story completely; but then she thinks that this means she can go explore the big place.
The three buildings are connected, but the fifteenth floor is just her father's suite. The whole floor- she thinks in amazement.
The left building; a game room with a tv smaller than the flat screen in the living room, a balcony, a jacuzzi in the balcony, a grill in the balcony, three guitars she can't identify, a computer system with three monitors, and a high shelf on the wall with CDs on them that she has no way of reaching- unless she pulls a stool from the kitchen, but no, that would take work.
The middle building; the living room, the elevator, the small kitchen, the minibar, the dining counter- cuz there's no table, the dusty storage room that could be a broom closet- if there was a broom but there isn't, and a stereo system.
The right building; the bedroom, a walk-in closet full of mirrors but not a lot of clothes, the master's bathroom with that giant bathtub she thinks she could drown in, a gym with a treadmill, a punching bag, some weights, and another TV. But where's the shower?
Brie sighs as she cuddles into the dark-green satin sheets of the King-sized bed. She's explored the place thoroughly, but it still doesn't feel like… like she belongs here. Like, there's something missing...
It just doesn't feel like home.
"Good morning, daddy!"
Butch snaps awake, instantly regretting it as the neck and back pain made their presence known. Then his eyes widen- classical music is playing in his house- CLASSICAL MUSIC IS PLAYING IN HIS HOUSE
His eyes look to the stereo system, only to spot his dog. His golden retriever dog, Jojo, who IS NOT so golden anymore, but purple. Fucking purple. "What the f- fudge cakes have you done to him? Why is he purple?"
"Don't worry, it's pet-safe. It wears off after the third bath."
Butch makes a horrified face. THIRD BATH? THIRD BATH? THIRD? BATH?
His right eye starts twitching, his fingers start curling, and the classical music suddenly changes to an awfully familiar song.
His eyes widen as the guitar plays, and his throat dries up, mouth closes as his bottom lip suddenly finds itself trapped between his front teeth.
The kid- his kid now, no doubt about it, suddenly lights up and starts singing;
"On a dark desert highway, cool wind in my hair… Warm smell of colitas, rising up through the air… Up ahead in the distance, I saw a shimmering light. My head grew heavy and my sight grew dim- I had to stop for the night…"
Butch somehow finds it in him to murmur the lyrics to the song, "There she stood in the doorway; I heard the mission bell. And I was thinking to myself, This could be heaven or this could be Hell. Then she lit up a candle… and she showed me the way. There were voices down the corridor, I thought I heard them say…"
"Welcome to the Hotel California…" She sings at him.
He realizes then and there- as that song played, he didn't need to wait for the DNA test to confirm what he already knows. If the song isn't a dead giveaway, then dark emerald orbs staring at him makes it obvious as they were a hauntingly exact replica of his own.
"How do you know that song?" Butch asks for curiosity's sake
"Momma plays it all the time."
"All the time, huh?"
"Mhmmm. She sings it too. I can't really dance to it, but it's our favorite song."
'Yeah… ours'
"First, you're gonna need lemon juice. Two eggs for protein. Banana slices, yum. A spoonful of honey- not sugar, never sugar, ever- and I mean that. Ice cubes. Close the blender…"
Brianna watches her father, amused- he refused to feed her anything other than crackers for breakfast. Said he was gonna give her a shake instead. This is not the shake she expected.
He pours the concoction into two glasses, but unfortunately still have some left. He places one to her side of the counter, she sniffs at it.
She makes a face; "Daddy… That smells really, really rotten."
"Kid, trust me, it's good for y-
Butch cuts himself off as Ima enters the living room, followed by women.
"Pick a nanny, Butch." She says as the women arranged themselves in the line.
"Huh… A'ight… that one."
"Eliza, you're up!"
Brianna internally cringes as the 'nanny' shrieks in excitement before coming up to her, face to face, UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL- SPIT FLYING AND ALL, like a wild animal, telling her; "We're gonna be the best of friends! Like sisters!"
"You start on Monday." Ima says to Eliza before turning to Butch menacingly; "Today is Saturday, You have no practice scheduled, so I want you and your kid to be spotted in public. Take her for a walk in the park or something, she's a kid, she'll like that. Do not fuck this up, Johnson."
Butch rolls his eyes at Ima's retreating figure.
A walk in the park is exactly what they ended up doing.
"Bohemian Rhapsody."
"Nine over Ten"
"What? Nine! Are you serious? Are you serious right now? What?"
"Well, it's so jumbled, okay… And mommy says it's depressing. I think the song isn't telling a story."
"Oh kid, Bohemian Rhapsody tells a lot of stories, plenty to choose from- maybe you need to listen to it more. What about 'Life in the Fast Lane'?"
"Eight over Ten"
"WHAT? Are you serious- no, wait. Are you sure you're my kid? Do you even know the song I'm talkin' bout?"
"Hey, my momma had a rock band when she was young. I know my rock music, okay?"
Butch rolls his eyes, he'd hardly call a one-time talent show setup a rock band. "Pssshhh. What about… Stairway to Heaven?"
The kid proceeds to hum the first verse before answering; "Ten over Ten"
Butch makes an offended face.
"What? It's my personal favorite. Problem?" Brianna defends
Bytch just shakes his head, resuming the game; "Paradise City?"
"Solid nine"
"Ah, sheesh, you're hurtin' yer old man, here. Okay, okay, favorite rock band?"
"Queen"
"YES! YES! YES! YOU are definitely my kid. Definitely…" Butch stops walking, cherishing this moment wherein he finally found something to bond over with his kid. "Y'know… yer ma… Her favorite was AC/DC… until I convinced her that Queen was the shit, did you know?"
"No… she… she doesn't talk about you much."
"Oh" Butch's shoulders sag as he watches Brianna walk on the wooden bench like she was walking on a tightrope. "Is… is she… did she re-marry?"
"No. I don't think she ever will…" Brianna says this in such a sad tone that it grips on Butch's heartstrings. She then smiles and looks at her father; "She's too busy saving the world, helping everywhere. Did you know she and Grandpa went to Asia? And they went to this house with weird looking nuns that take care of… uhm… abnormal children? Momma doesn't like it when I use that word. She says they're just born special. I don't understand how a kid with a bloated head or a bloated tummy can be special, but I believe her."
Butch's lips are pursed in a thin line. "And what about you? Where'd she left you?"
"I was there with them. I help spoon the soup into the little baby's mouth. But the baby isn't a baby, it's just a small kid, like me, but can't walk cuz their bones are too small. It was fun; Grandpa did the laundry, Momma did the cooking, and I saw her change diapers for other kids too." Brie suddenly lights up, pointing, "Daddy look! Ice cream!"
"Oh no, no, no. Brie- lunch time means proper food, okay-
"But dad…"
Puppy dog eyes that could put Boomer's to shame made Butch sigh; "fine- but one scoop only, kiddo"
The next day- Sunday, Butch figured it would be fine if he decided to take Brie- his seven year old daughter, on Boomer's Nightclub's opening.
It was only fair to attend it, seeing as both of his brothers were there when he opened the gym, and when he renovated the building, making it the Johnson Condos. He and Boomer were there before that too, when Brick opened his Cruise and Shipping business.
The Johnson Brothers were brothers with a tight bond. And he just doesn't wanna miss meeting Boomer's first steady girlfriend of, now, over a year- apparently.
He steps out of his car then poses for some pictures before walking to the other side, opens the passenger seat, and escorts his daughter- all gentleman-like, out of the car.
It's, like, eight, okay? It's not bedtime yet.
"You forgot your daughter in the nightclub? At two in the fucking morning? What the actual fuck, Butch?" Brick is yelling at him through the phone.
"Calm down, Brick. At least he didn't try to take a girl home, God knows the press would be even more all over this shit if he did." Coming to his defense is Boomer.
Boomer, His favorite brother, bless him, seriously- the man could be a saint. This is why Butch never answers Brick's calls without putting Boomer on the line, especially if it's morning calls.
"Yeah, he managed not to think with his dick for one night. Congratulations."
"I can feel the sarcasm, no need to be s-
The doors to his living room slammed open, Ima walks in.
Ima bitingly says; "The practice grounds is swarmed with paps, thanks to you."
Butch puts his brothers on speaker phone; "Ima's here."
"Hey, Ima. Thanks for calling the practice off today, now I have more time to prepare for din-
"I had no choice, Boomer. There's too many paps, and they're bugging the shit out of Sara. She doesn't wanna see any players in her field today."
Silence.
If you thought Ima Bellum was scary, you've not yet met her older sister, Sara Bellum. The rich, quiet, powerful type that everyone knew of, but never really met- usually hidden behind thick sunglasses.
"This is gonna sound crazy, but what if we tackle this problem like football? Do a press conference just to address the issue?" Brick suggests
"That's gonna make it look like we care what they think-
Butch cuts Ima off. "And? Shouldn't we? The public people are our fans, we need their money, don't we?"
Butch and Brie come out of the building with matching shirts- well, maybe Brie looked like she was drowning in hers, just cuz it was her dad's old uniform, but hey, they were trying to go for the cute kid look.
"You got a station wagon, Ima?"
Ima laughs, that evil evil evil laugh that she does. "No, Butch. You got a station wagon- a new addition to your collection of cars. This is coming out of your paycheck, by the way."
She gestures for Butch to come at the back. Butch's eyes widen when he sees the license plate, #1 DAD - and with three bumper stickers promoting Fatherly responsibilities. He cringes; "Oh God… is this seriously my life right now?"
"Your fault, I wouldn't have bought it this morning if my internet was any slower."
"Brianna, sweetie, come with me for a quick briefing, will you?" Ima asks as she gets out of the passenger seat.
Brianna huffs, expecting to get a scolding as she exits the backseat.
"Promise to behave, and I'll buy you an iPhone? The new model, you like that? All you have to do is say nothing during the press conference- nothing. Okay?"
"Momma says I'm not allowed to have touch-screen phones. They break easily."
"Yeah, well, you're not with your mommy right now, are you, you little b-
"Ima, let me handle this." Butch squats down to be eye-level with his kid. "This press conference is really important for my reputation, okay? Daddy's gonna need you to behave, as in, not say a thing. You can do that, right?"
She nods.
They start walking towards the backstage, Brianna speaks again; "I'll behave under one condition."
Butch raises an eyebrow.
"No nanny. Otherwise, I'll tell everyone you let me finish a bottle of Jack Daniels."
Butch's eyes widen. There weren't any Jack Daniels last night because it was a cocktail party, per Bubbles' request. Jack Daniels is his favorite whiskey too- everybody who read his Men's Magazine Interview knows that. He doubts Brie does, though.
One fired nanny later, and a displeased bunch of paps…
"Can I say something, please?" Brie asks
Butch covers the mic; "no, Brie, I think they hate me enough already"
As he releases his grip from the mic, Brie takes it and says;
"Hello everybody, I'm Brianna Johnson. My daddy didn't have a heads-up on this whole 'being a dad' thing, as you all know, Mommy handed me off to him the day I first meet him. But at least he didn't throw me out to be someone else's problem, he's trying to take care of me as best as he can, he really is. Like everything else in his life, he took me head on- Johnson motto, right? Strong and Ready. What I'm trying to say is… I'm not used to having a father yet, and I don't think he's used to having a daughter yet either. We're still adjusting to each other, and that's fine. Please understand that this is gonna take time, but even right now I can already tell you that Butch Johnson is the best rock and roll dad ever! I love you daddy!"
His eyes widen as his daughter jumps up off her seat to embrace him. He returns the hug immediately, a smile on his face upon seeing the amount of approval in the room.
"That was good, that was really really good."
"It's gonna cost you…"
"Where'd you get Strong and Ready anyways?"
"You left me with Uncle Brick last night, remember?"
"Ah, right"
"It's not like I can't see your bedroom ceiling either, it was written right there. Fortis et Promptus. Did you know you have a lot of posters of yourself in your side drawer, I also found these little packets-
"Okay, that's enough of your snooping in my bedroom."
Monday, After Brunch, Queens School of Ballet:
crab decor. creepy crab decor. IT WAS EVERYWHERE
"Hellooo… How may I help yyyooouuu?" The man is gangly, with curly black hair, pink leg-warmers and red nail polish. Butch inwardly cringes.
"Uh, hi… Yeah, this is Brie, she's here for… this… So I guess I'll be back for a couple of hou-
"Ah, ah, ah. Class started fifteen minutes ago, young man. And the audition period days before. I'm afraid her application is late, therefore REJECTED."
"What? B-but I'm sure we can work something out, money is not an issue-
"I don't need your money. THIS is a professional ballet sch-
The guy pauses as he catches Brianna effortlessly following the routine, doing one very graceful turn before synchronizing with the rest of the girls into an arabesque.
"So… she knows Cinderella…"
"...doesn't everybody know Cinderella?" Butch asks dumbly
The instructor rolls his eyes; "The play, idiot. Tell you what, I'll see how well she does today and if she's consistently astounding, I'll accept. The registration office is down the hall."
"You… you don't know who I am?"
"Should I?"
"Johnson Brothers… y'know… I'm Butch Johnson. Football player."
The guy shrugs. "Doesn't ring a bell. Ah, but do you know who I am?"
"...no…"
"I happen to be The Great Him. Owner of several ballet schools in the very gay U.S. of A."
"Okay… so… is she accepted?"
"Pay the tuition fee by tomorrow."
"That's a yes. Come on, Brie! Home time!"
"A'ight, A'ight, A'ight. If Cooper shoots the next goal, you're playing as safety this playoff." Brick says
"And if it's not a three-pointer, or the ball doesn't make the hoop, you switch Butch to center." Mitch agrees
"Wait, what? No way, Mitchelson-
"Deal"
Butch sends Brick a scandalized look. "Some brother you a-
The basketball game suddenly switches to Animal Planet Channel. All three men look at Brie, she stares back at them innocently; "That was Jojo…"
Indeed, there on the floor, is Butch's dog nudging the automated remote with his snout.
When they return to the sports channel, their favored basketball team was already celebrating with no way to tell if Mitch or Brick won the bet. Groans from both men.
"So, you say you two have been dating for how long?"
"A year now, daddy." Bubbles answers
Her father is an old balding man with all of his hair turned white, and a beard to match. He wears square-rimmed glasses, and a simple purple button-up tucked inside the slacks.
"And what are your intentions with my only daughter?"
"I'll be honest with you, sir. I am at the point of our relationship in which, I don't know how my life is going to be without her in it. Frankly sir, I love her because she makes me feel like I'm someone- even without my brothers or my family name." Boomer states carefully.
The old man hums, "I see…"
Tuesday was the norm. Make breakfast shakes, drop Brie off to ballet school, go to the stadium for practice, have lunch with the team, practice, pick Brie up, dick around some in his suite- not literally- mind, order dinner, then fall asleep in the couch once more. Why?
Because Brianna keeps sleeping on his bed, and at this point in time he was half-sure that she was just faking it. Surely.
Wednesday, Football Practice;
Brick enters the field, helmet in his right hand, and an envelope in the left.
"Is that-
"Did you open it?"
Brick shakes his head. "Figured you'd like to know first."
The team gives the Johnson brothers a wide berth, Butch sits in the bench and grabs a water bottle. He drinks half of its content before taking the envelope from Brick.
"this is it" Boomer stage whispers
Mitch and the others roll their eyes.
"Get on with it, man."
Upon opening the envelope, he is greeted by a white folded bond paper.
Butch shakes his head, holds it up to Brick. "I can't do it"
Boomer grabs it instead. "Brianna Jane Utonium is a 99.9% match of Butch Alexei Johnson. Ninety-nine point nine percent, dude! She's more yours than Buttercup!"
Brick backhands Boomer; "You idiot, that's not what that means… It means, Butch, that you really are her father."
"That's what I just said." Boomer murmurs
Butch reads the letter for himself.
99.9% MATCH.
Butch nods smiling.
"Hey, Brick… can I… can you pick up Brianna from her ballet and keep her at yours until tomorrow?"
Brick looks at Butch suspiciously before asking slowly; "Why?"
"I wanna renovate my suite. Build her a bedroom, y'know?"
"And you're gonna get that done in a day?"
"Ace and his boys are in town, man. Just got back from their casino project in Manhattan."
"Of course."
"But if I need more time, I'll ask Boomer to babysit the day after tomorrow. Don't tell Brianna about the surprise, okay?"
Brick gives him a deadpan look; "Dude. I'm not an idiot."
Butch smiles; "I know. Thanks."
"Anything for my niece."
"Oh my gosh, aren't you the cutest little girl!" Blossom coos
"hi" Brianna shyly waves her right hand
"Brianna, this is my beautiful wife and your Aunt Blossom. Blossom, this is Brie, Butch's daughter."
"And she has a pink tutu. Do you dance ballet?" Blossom asks
Brie smiles; "Uh huh. I just got finished with practice. Our play is Cinderella this month, but we're just gonna do the short version."
"She's here because her dad has a surprise for her, and it won't be ready until tomorrow or so. Is that… okay?" Brick asks Blossom
"Of course it's okay, honey." Blossom then turns to Brie; "you can call me Auntie, do you like cookies?"
Brick watches them go in the direction of the kitchen. A smile tugs at the corner of his lips as images of Blossom being motherly fill his mind.
The room keeps to the Slytherin theme of the suite but with touches of purple, lilac, and violet; And instead of a King sized bed exported from Switzerland, it was a 54-inch full bed exported from Switzerland.
Okay, so he was spoiling her a little. So what? Her new things include the mini-fridge and the 15-inch MacBook Pro and the 3 foot tall doll house and the 24-inch flat screen TV by her door and the 5 foot tall-
"Woah… this is a lot!"
Brie looks so small compared to her room, she had to take a couple more minutes to take it all in. Once she's done, she races to him, embracing his legs, burying her face on his hips.
And Butch feels complete.
Until she suddenly looks up at him; "You do remember that I'm only staying for a month, right, daddy?"
"We've got, like, four weeks left, kid."
"Three" she corrects
Butch tried, he really did.
And his brothers can't say he didn't.
They see him hurrying to pick Brianna up everyday, they see him taking the kid out for walks on the weekends, they see him trying to cook actual food- with carbs! And they know, they damn well know that he changed from party monster to protective father in the span of one month.
But time just…
It just flew by.
"Are we all ready?" Blossom asks as Brie enters the living room.
"Yup yup yup"
"Finally!" Boomer exclaims
"Boomer! Don't be mean." Bubbles berates before turning to coo over Brianna.
Brick looks at Butch, whispers; "So… when is she coming?"
By 'she' Brick meant Butch's ex wife.
"Sometime this weekend."
"She'll miss the performance."
Butch shrugs in an 'Oh well' manner.
"Handle it like a hand-off, my brother." Boomer suggests
Butch sighs, if that's the case, then this is one hand-off he doesn't wanna do.
An hour later, the Johnson Brothers along with two females watch in a captivated trance as Brianna plays a younger Cinderella, and then with a smooth transformation- behind a cute castle drawing, into one of the female mouses to the older Cinderella.
"She's really good." Blossom compliments
"This is why I've always wanted to be a ballerina." Bubbles murmurs
Butch beams proudly all throughout the performance.
Brick takes them out to Dinner to congratulate Brianna as well as to formally say goodbye to his niece.
"When is your mommy coming by to pick you up?" Blossom asks
"Surely you can come watch the play-off, right?" Brick asks too
"No... I have to get to the airport before she does- A- Auntie Bubbles, can I have some of that?"
Bubbles nods, oblivious to the slip-up as Boomer continues to talk her ear off.
Butch raises an eyebrow. "Get to the airport before, what?"
Brick squints suspiciously. "Finish your thought."
"Isn't Buttercup picking you up?" Butch asks
"What do you mean 'before she does', sweetie?" Blossom asks carefully
"Brie…"
"Ahahaha…" The seven year old girl is suddenly turning red in embarrassment.
"Did she tell you that she didn't wanna see me? What is it, Brie-
"No, that's not it… I'm talking about Auntie Brute, she's the one picking me up-
"But the papers said Brute is assigned in China-
"And Buttercup, are you sure she's in Africa?" Blossom pipes in- which confuses Butch.
"Brie! Oh no! Bubbles!" Boomer suddenly cries out.
The table, and the whole room in general turn their heads to an alarmed Boomer. Bubbles drops her fork, Brianna drops her fork, "Nuts!" Bubbles suddenly cries out.
"Oh shit-
"What-
"She's allergic to nuts, you idiot!" Brick screams at Bubbles- he forgot to announce that Bubbles ordered grilled squash with pecan nuts.
Boomer can't even try to defend Bubbles because he's frozen with dread- war flashbacks replaying in his mind as if it was him who just ate the nuts. Bubbles is crying with panicked eyes and offering Brianna some water. Everyone's eyes widen like dinner plates as Brianna is hacking, and coughing, and falling.
Brianna is red- red all over, everywhere now- not just her face, red splotches. RED. RED. RED.
Butch had seen this before, and Brick too, back when Boomer pigged out on some girl-scout cookies.
"Where's the nearest hospital?" Butch yells to the room
Brick answers with a "Three blocks away-
Butch immediately carries Brianna bridal-style, runs out of the restaurant all the while contemplating if he should take the car or…
"Fuck it."
The sun has already set, and he can't see anything past the image of his red-skinned daughter. So he runs. He runs like his life depended on it- because it does. God it does. He knows Brute and Buttercup would conspire to kill him, but also because he doesn't know how to live without Brianna- not anymore. These past few weeks, not once did he feel incomplete. He's not gonna let his daughter die- no fucking way.
A number of curse words and what if scenarios are floating in Butch's head as he watches Brick pacing, Boomer quietly seething, and Blossom and Bubbles holding hands.
"Father of Brianna Utonium?"
"It's Johnson!" Boomer cuts in angrily.
They all have a habit of turning angry when impatient- Boomer more so than Butch, and Butch more so than Brick.
The nurse turns to him, Butch steps towards the woman; "I'm the father, that was my brother. We were there when the… the accident happened."
"She hasn't woken up yet, you were very lucky to get her here not a moment too late. As it is, we figured this wouldn't have happened if she had an EpiPen-
"How much for it?"
"Less than a thousand, but she'll have to learn how to use them. Her allergy is very severe, and you're all very lucky she wasn't completely unconscious when brought in. Uhm, also, we've gotten her into a room, but as it's already past eight, visiting hours are over. You can come back tomorrow morning, the doctor is sure that she'll be up by then."
"Hey, boss man, where's your girl?" Arturo asks
"Hospital, Arturo."
"Oh… so it's true, you ran from Daniel Boulud's to Saint Martin's?"
Butch nods.
"Thought it was just fake news… Uhm, I have news for you too, boss man."
Butch pauses on his way to the elevator, turns to Arturo, "yeah?"
"There's a bella dama that came by. She… ah, well," Arturo gestured to the janitor mopping the floor.
'It's almost midnight'
"Bella dama made a muy gran escandalo. And uh, we need a new lamp. But ah, she's still up there. Black hair, green eyes, uhm… very angry. Like a bull, ay dios mio…"
Butch's eyes widen. Could it be Buttercup?
The dirt tracks lead him to the rooftop.
He's a little disappointed but dismisses it as he looks at the woman before him.
Combat boots, camouflage pants, leather jacket, and a buzzcut. Butch even glimpses the silver glint of a couple of ear piercings before she spins to look at him.
"Brute."
"Who else, asshole! Where the fuck is she? Where's Brianna? Did you honestly think you could get away with this? How did you even know about her, you creepy stalking piece of shit!"
Butch grunts in pain as he felt her punch him in the gut.
"Talk, shithead. Or else-
"Calm down, woman! I didn't do anything!"
"Didn't do anything? Didn't do anything is right! The internet fucking told me how stellar of a father you are, damn right you didn't do anything! Stupid fuck, is she just a publicity stunt for you?"
At this point, the military woman had already punched him about ten times- stomach, shoulder, arms, and the face was almost added to the list before he cried out;
"Brute, please! Lemme talk and I promise to tell you everything. Please. Please, Brute."
The little sister of his former wife huffs out air through her nose like a bull before nodding once.
"We're gonna have to ask her how the fuck she found you, then." Brute concludes
"I just can't believe Buttercup let Brianna ride the airplane alone- she's just seven isn't she?"
"Brianna is smart for her age, I just didn't think she's this troublesome. Dad was supposed to pick Brianna up from the airport. Then I had a three-month break, so I can take over for dad. Maybe Buttercup had Sylvia ride with Brianna or something- Sylvia never met our father before so she wouldn't know if Brianna just happened to call a cab and gave instructions to drop off at your condo." Brute sighs
"Your dad must be worried."
"Knowing him, he probably knows Brie's been with you the whole time."
"Who's Sylvia?"
"Buttercup's short-term assistant. Well, former."
"Oh. How's Buttercup, by the way?"
Brute frowns, looking Butch in the eyes; "Settling for her predicament. What else can she do?"
"For her predicament- what's that supposed to mean?"
"What, like you don't know?" Brute bitingly retorts
"No, I don't know. How could I know?"
"She has cancer, Butch. She's dying."
She's dying? She's DYING?
"no"
"I'm not stupid, Auntie Brute… I know my momma's dying… but for once, I just thought… I thought if I could convince him- I thought for once I could have a whole family, even for just a tiny little while. I- I wanted to meet him, and I know momma misses him, still loves him, and I hope that he would wanna see her too. Please, please, please let it happen, Auntie. Please."
Butch draws a quiet breath, Boomer the saint that he is, pulls him by the arm, dragging him back to that floor's waiting room.
"You can make any decision you want, Butch but let's tell Brick first." Boomer whispers
"Playoffs are tomorrow, Butch." Brick says
"I know. But Brute's taking her today."
"Buttercup is the same Buttercup Utonium that works for A.D.E.P.T. right? The charity that focuses on children?" Blossom asks
Butch swallows, he doesn't answer because he doesn't know the answer. He knows next to nothing about his ex-wife, except...
Except the things Brianna told him...
"She's getting treatment in Seattle Washington Medical University. Apparently a kid that apprenticed under her father, Professor Utonium, is one of her doctors." Blossom continues
"I'm going." Butch tells Brute plainly as he enters Brianna's room.
"Hm?"
"I'm going with you. To Seattle, to see Buttercup."
Brianna's eyes widen.
"No, you aren't. Wha-
"Brute. Before Buttercup goes, I want to discuss the matter of supporting my daughter. This isn't for me." Butch gestures to himself, then to Brianna. "This is for her. She's the best thing that's ever happened to me."
Brute nods; "Fine. But don't you dare force Buttercup to give you full custody."
Butch didn't think reality would crash and hit him full force until he's there.
He's there, he's present- physically present, yes.
But mentally? Not even close. In his mind he memorizes the white walls, white tiles, white noise and just the general ominous aura of the University Hospital.
He hasn't seen her yet, Buttercup, that is. But he can already feel the entirety of her presence- hear her heavy labored breathing, sense the radiation therapy, smell her scent in the room.
Brianna squeezes his hand, however tiny her hand is compared to his.
He hasn't said a word- not to Brute, not to Brianna, not to his brothers. He just booked a last-minute flight to Seattle, then they landed, Brute called an Uber, and next thing he knows, Brute dropped them off to the hospital.
Professor Utonium greets them in the lobby, then, in all his glory of being one of the University's esteemed Professor, knelt down to embrace Brianna with a total disregard of their public audience. The situation was that dire.
Butch still hasn't said a word. Not one. Brute, during the whole travel time, mostly talked at Brianna- not to Brianna, but at her.
Butch thinks Brianna caught on to his solemn mood, and decided that it's not a time to play twenty questions, or rate the rock music, or whatever else.
Boomer's text regarding his purple dog vaguely even registered in his mind today. All he can think of is…
Is he ready?
She…
She's beautiful.
She's bald, with three tubes hooked in her body, her unblemished skin is much paler, and her wrists are certainly emphasizing how painfully thin she's gotten- but she's still so beautiful.
"Momma… I… I told him t-to come… Is- is that o-okay?" Brianna asks, her small voice is just breaking as tears suddenly start falling from her dark orbs.
Her raspy voice, "Baby… it's okay, don't cry. Shhh… shhh… It's okay." It's gotten more feminine, softer, weaker.
"Brute… punched me… like, twenty times or something…" Butch says lamely
Buttercup laughs. A real genuine laugh. A familiar laugh. A sincere laugh. A hearty laugh.
A laugh he so missed, he outright collapses- on his knees, to the right side of her bed. Tears start to well up in his eyes, he inhales; "I am so sorry, Buttercup."
She doesn't respond, her right hand- the one with the needle and the IV and the one closest to him, she offers it to him. He doesn't hesitate to interlock their fingers, putting the back of her palm to his neck where he cradles it like he would a baby. The IV tube hitting his cheek like an iceberg hitting the Titanic- it breaks him, and he doesn't know it yet.
Brianna is laying face-down on Buttercup's stomach, fully crying now.
There's something there, gripping his heart in his chest so tight that all the hair in his body stands in attention-
It's fear. He realizes it's fear-
Because he's scared, because he's really scared. real. damned. bad.
"I'm Doctor Believe, how may I help you?"
"Believe? Like, Mike Believe?" Butch asks
"Ah yes, my younger brother, the football player. Seattle Seahawks, you're more than familiar with him, I think. Mister Butch Johnson, is it? What can I do for you?"
Butch collapses to his knees for the second time that day, he looks up at the man; "Buttercup Utonium. She's your patient. Please, tell me you can save her."
"Her condition isn't ideal. It's the second to the last stage of brain cancer…"
"Money isn't a problem, Doctor. I'll even do anything-
"I understand, sir. But there is-
Butch is laughing and crying like a mad man; "You understand? You think you understand? Hahaha, no you don't. Nobody understands! I can't lose her! I can't!"
Butch ends up pushing the Doctor to his chair. He wasn't laughing and crying anymore-
He was just bawling.
It was pathetic.
Here he is, having dinner with Buttercup on his second night at Seattle- he hasn't showered, and he knows neither has she. They both look a mess, her even more so as a nurse finishes spoon feeding her some broth.
"What do you want out of this, Butch?"
"At best? Shared custody."
"And at worse?"
"Child support, I guess. I… I can't imagine what you went through, all these years, raising her on your own…"
"Yeah well, I wasn't going back to you then, not when all we did was fight and scream and leave."
"The sex was good, right?"
The nurse hides a grimace- hastily exiting the room. Buttercup laughs; "God, you're horrible."
Butch shrugs. "Yeah, I'm still that guy with the horrible one-liners."
"And your brothers? Brie said she had two more Aunties now, apparently."
"Brick is married, yeah. Boomer might as well be, he actually celebrated their one-year anniversary weeks ago."
"Oh, don't think Brute didn't spare me the nightclub incident. You're lucky I convinced her not to tell dad. Basically she went online and got all the dirt, including your plight from Daniel Boulud's."
"Uh, yeah. Wasn't one of my better moments. Enough about me, what have you been up to?"
Buttercup shrugs; "whaddya wanna know?"
"What happened after you left?"
"I'll tell you a secret, but you can't be mad at me, okay?"
He nods. How could he be mad at her, anyways?
"I knew, before I signed the divorce papers… I already knew. And I thought, 'Will Butch Johnson make a good father?' I should've thought about it more, but I didn't. I was still mad at you for actually getting the papers, I was mad at myself for suggesting it, I was just mad and bitter and petty and I was obviously not thinking clearly. And then Daddy was going to Asia with some college kids, Brute was prepping for West Point, I didn't know what the fuck I'm going to do. Next thing I know, Uncle Eugene recruits me into his organization, I'm in China, sending Brute pictures of Brianna while I get to working as a social worker, and it went from there. After China, I went to England, then to Madagascar, then to Egypt, back to China with dad again, then Brianna to France where she picked up ballet, South Africa, Brazil, and that's when we found out that I… I had cancer. It was all too real, everything happened so fast that I couldn't… I was making decisions after decisions- all halfheartedly. I wasn't sure of anything, I felt like nothing was a safe choice… And I don't even know right now wh-
Butch's eyes widen as she suddenly goes from sitting up to laying down, her whole body is shaking, he drops his spoon, her right eye is blinking rapidly, saliva is gurgling out of her mouth- SHE'S CHOKING.
Butch turns her to her side, minding the IV.
She's shaking, and shaking, and shaking. He presses the button, and it takes a second before a nurse comes running in.
Her eyes are closed, the heart monitor is going crazy, he is going crazy.
She's still shaking.
And Butch feels it again- the harsh unadulterated fear for one's mortality. Except he's feeling it for her.
She makes him feel- but he's not ready to feel it. Not ready to feel these emotions.
He's not ready to mourn her in general. God knows, if he could turn back time, he would do it.
Several Weeks Later;
The funeral was a quaint little affair. Everybody wore black, Butch didn't even mind that Brute abused his credit card to spend on Butch's tux and Brianna's whole outfit.
"So... What're you gonna do now, bro?" Boomer asks
"Go home, I guess."
"Is she comin' with you?"
Butch hums in affirmative; "Brute and Professor U could use some bonding time. Brute's got, like two more months left."
"Brick says Hi, by the way, and Jojo. Oh, uhm, we won the playoffs..."
"Yeah, I heard. Congrats, bro-
"Are you okay?"
Butch shrugs, but then remembers he's not on facetime; "I'm fine"
"That's good. Great, er... Sara and Ima aren't. Your fans can't believe you actually gave up Football."
"Yeah well, thought I'd invest more on the gym so... Besides, I wanna be there for Brianna."
"That's cool- okay bro, I support you."
"I'll talk to you soon."
The phone signals that the call has ended, Butch sighs deeply.
"Welcome to the Hotel California" Butch starts "Such a lovely place"
"such a lovely place" She echoes
"Such a lovely face...
They livin' it up at the Hotel California
What a nice surprise"
"what a nice surprise"
"bring your alibis" Butch sings
"Think we'll ever get tired of that song?" Buttercup asks
"Nah. Besides, I think the song fits... Listen..."
It was quiet for a while, they were just laying there, in Butch's double bed.
It was almost to the end of the song when he opens his mouth again;
"You can check out any time you like,
But you can never leave..."
Buttercup playfully slaps his shoulder.
"You're a real keeper, Butch."
"I love you too, Buttercup."