Neo Fallen
Written by: Ciuline Ihmenjo
xxxHolic is a matter of hitsuzen. It is hitzusen that I am borrowing a few characters from CLAMP to satisfy my own ends. Sadly, I do not own these characters.
Pre-fiction...
Not much to say here. This is just a very short ditty. I think a lot of my one-shots tend to come out this way. Maybe I just prefer the tragic characters? It's an attraction I'm all to familiar with. I've got half-written fictions for Haibara Ai, Robin Sena, Meilin Li, and countless others. Until it becomes unhealthy, though, I think I'll continue to get into a character's head and express my take on them to you, my readers.
Italicized words are thoughts. Bold words are emphasis. CAPS WORDS are shouting
o()o Sanctuary o()o
Beside you… With you... Near you... To feel the warm touch of your hand… to feel even an inkling of your presence…
If I am even in your thoughts, suddenly, I feel as if a wall has come between those things that cause me pain and those things that could cause me harm. This wall is never permanent. It cannot protect me. It is simply there. I cannot seek shelter behind it, but all the same, it provides solace. It is not something I can do at free will, for my walls are much more temporary. They are not windows to the other side, but flimsy, paper-thin affairs that are good for irritating an attacker. If I can put enough of them between me and those things, I can at least deter them. Maybe… perhaps… someday I can create a wall with a door that I can walk through. This wall will not only deter those things but also repel them. Perhaps you will help me build it. It is something I am more than certain you are capable of. I'd very much like that.
Whenever I can feel you, it's as if I'm seeing the world through a waterfall. Everything around me begins to blur. The roar of the rush on the rocks is deafening, but that is only the beating of my heart in my ears.
There are no tears in my eyes for I cannot cry. It is for her sake. It is for your sake. I will not show that I am hurt so that protect your happiness. I would give up my world to ensure yours will not crumble.
You would say that this is too much to place on my shoulder. You would tell me that I shouldn't allow myself to bear the world as a price for my sins. I would tell you that I bear nothing, and you would smile and tell me that everything will be okay. I know you wouldn't lie to me. Even when I cannot believe your words, they are still truth. For entirely selfless reasons, you wish to make mine come true. I've never had someone like that.
In my world, it is all about attention and desire. There is little room for truth in the realm where we must cater to the desires of those egocentric beings around us. Even when we recognize them as such, we have little power to change the majority arrayed against us. No one wishes to fight the powerful here. They simply play the game.
It's funny, really. I think you understand more than you let on. Much of my instincts and intuitions tell me that your heart understands more than even you would know. Slowly, gradually, you are changing for the better. I can sense this. I feel that I am changing too. Every time I see you, you are a different person. I wonder if I'm the same in your eyes?
Only you, for some reason, understand that I cannot simply unload my burdens unless I desire for the world to come crashing down around me. To seek my own happiness would be to destroy everything that has happened thus far. I cannot lie and say that I am happy with my situation, but I think I am content to serve as a conduit.
But, I think that if I were to finally cast off my burden, you would be there to protect me.
Just thinking about that, to know that you think so highly of me, is enough to stave off the demons that surround me…
Post fiction…
Hooray for 1 am and finishing the last of my procrastination bug. I just decided, on a whim, to finish xxxHolic to the current chapter. There's just something about a space-time witch and her peach-bun companion that makes me happy.
See you next update! Ciuline Ihmenjo