I am an alien.

Unbelievable

March 22nd

7:00am

House opened his eyes and noticed that Cuddy was not in bed. For the past five weeks, she had been getting up early to feed Jordan and to get her yoga in. House was amazed that she was already getting close to being back at her normal weight. House had loved the last few weeks of staying home with her. He was happy that for once, Cuddy was more focused on herself than work.

House groaned when he remembered what day it was. A week after Cuddy's parents had left, his parents came to meet Jordan. During this trip, House's mom had come up with the bright idea of House and Cuddy going to couples counseling before they got married. He was happy when, at first, Cuddy seemed to not really be interested in the idea. She didn't really want to go to a retreat when she could be home with Jordan. House thought the subject was closed until Cuddy read in Cosmo that counseling before marriage could make it a better relationship. House wanted to look through the magazine and find the address to the editor and kill her, but luckily for the editor, Cuddy didn't mention it again.

A few days later, House cussed to himself when Cuddy mentioned that she told her mother about the idea and she thought they should do it. House could tell that Cuddy was starting to really get into the idea. He quickly mentioned that they would have to be away from Jordan for a few days, which quickly changed Cuddy's mind.

House's next murder plot had been for Wilson. Cuddy had mentioned it to him and he said how he saw a segment on Oprah about it. House could not believe that Wilson brought Oprah into the mix. House knew that if Oprah thought it was a good idea, every woman in America would think it was a good idea. He punched Wilson is the chest as soon as Cuddy left. House was happy when Cuddy did not mention it that night. House then started to wonder if Cuddy was an alien because she didn't agree with Oprah.

Finally, the next day, House realized he was totally screwed. His mother called and told Cuddy about a therapy retreat that was close to them and let the couples bring their kids. Cuddy then told House she thought they should go. House wanted to tell her no, but Cuddy gave him that look of, 'if you love me, you will go.'" House decided to suck it up and take it like a man.

Today was the day that they were to head to the ranch. House hoped that they could somehow get a freak snowstorm in March. House's thoughts were interrupted when his phone went off.

"Please be a case," House said as he picked up his phone. "Crap." House noticed that it was his mother. "Hello?" House reluctantly answered.

"Hey, baby," Blythe said. "Did you just wake up?"

"It is 7:00 in the morning," House said. "Of course, I just woke up."

"You need to get prepared for your trip," Blythe said.

"We packed last night," House said. "All I need to do now is get my ass in the car."

"Watch your mouth," Blythe said. "You excited?"

"Yes," House said. "I love when people tell me how much I suck."

"That is not what she is going to do," Blythe said. "She is going to realize how great you are."

"I am sure that is how it is going to go mom," House said.

"Just remember that Lisa thinks this is important," Blythe said.

"I know mom," House said. "I am taking it seriously."

"You two drive safely, okay?" Blythe said.

"We will," House said.

"Tell Lisa I love her," Blythe said. "Give Jordan a kiss for me, too."

"I will," House said.

"Love you, baby," Blythe said.

"Love you too, mom," House said. After he hung up the phone, House laid on the bed and looked at the ceiling. "Why do women hate men so much?"

"Because they think they are superior, when everyone knows that women really are," Cuddy said as she walked into the bedroom. "What is the woman hating mood?"

"I don't know what you are talking about," House said with an innocent on his face. "I am totally looking forward to the next few days."

"See?" Cuddy said. "Perfect example. If you were a woman, you would know how important the next few days are."

"If I was a woman, I would be playing with myself," House said.

"You do that as a man," Cuddy said.

"Either way, I guess I would have it made," House said. Cuddy leaned down on the bed and kissed House's lips.

"If you were a woman, you wouldn't get my kisses," Cuddy said.

"I think you would go lesbian for me," House said.

"If I were a lesbian, I wouldn't go for the woman with the beard," Cuddy said. "My girlfriend would be sexy."

"You are making me horny," House said.

"Oh, brother," Cuddy said. "Get up and take a shower."

"Take a shower?" House asked. "I am just getting up to spend time in a car for a couple of hours."

"I want you to smell nice for these people," Cuddy said.

"They are going to be smelling me?" House asked. "What kind of place is this?"

"I don't want them to think that we are dirty people," Cuddy said. "This counselor is going to be judging everything about us. I don't want the first thing she thinks is that, 'oh, he smells.'"

"Maybe you should tell her we are not supposed to judge people," House said. "Judgmental bastards."

"This is going to help us, House," Cuddy said.

"I don't think there is anything wrong with our relationship," House said. "We don't need help."

"If that is true, then we are going to have a carefree experience here," Cuddy said. "Now get the fuck out of bed." House gave Cuddy a shocked look and she started to laugh.

"You are kind of scary," House said. "That is making me horny, too."

"Make it a cold shower," Cuddy said with a laugh. "I am ready when ever you are." House rolled out of bed and started to strip. "Nice," Cuddy said with a smile as she watched.

"Like what you see?" House asked.

"Yes," Cuddy said. "You are putting your clothes on the bed and not on the floor."

"Shut up," House said as he threw his boxers at Cuddy. Cuddy whistled as House walked into the bathroom naked.

House turned the water on to take a quick shower.

"Wash everywhere," Cuddy said as she peeked her head into the bathroom.

"If everywhere means my penis, then yes I will," House said.

"I had a feeling that was going to be washed," Cuddy said.

"I haven't had sex in weeks!" House said. "I need my shower time."

"Stop acting like I deprived you," Cuddy said. "You have gotten plenty of attention."

"I know I have," House said. "I am just waiting until I can fuck you senseless again."

"I second that," Cuddy said. "It has been five weeks. We are getting close to that moment."

"With this conversation, I am getting close to something," House said with a smirk.

"Don't wear yourself out," Cuddy said. "We have a long day ahead of us."

"Do you think this place has sex therapy?" House asked.

"You think we need helped with sex?" Cuddy asked.

"No," House said. "I hope they promote us having tons and tons of sex there."

"The next few days is going to be long if they say sex is not allowed," Cuddy said as she went to go get everything in the car.