Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.
A/N: I just wrote this for shits and giggles. Nothing makes much sense.
Hinata was genuinely a nice girl. She loved her family, father, sister and her more of a brother than a cousin, Neji. She loved her mother, and was always told that she was more like her than her father. This would have been a compliment if it weren't for the fact that it was being said as an insult to prove she did not have what it takes to be the next Hyuga clan head. It was really extra rude considering the fact that her mother was dead. Fuck them senile old ass Hyuga. Seriously why is it that they live so long? Hinata lol'd at the thought on the back porch, sprawled out in the summer heat, eating a damn delicious popsicle. It was grape, her favorite flavor cause that shit is the bestest. Hanabi was lying on her stomach beside her elder sister, destroying a cherry popsicle while flipping through a magazine littered with teen heart throbs. Neji lay in a hammock, neatly consuming his watermelon popsicle, lazily swinging back and forth, imagining the clouds were shaped like big-booty-hoes. They had not a care in the world.
Hinata had gone through some changes throughout her 17 years of existence. She made some resolutions to strengthen her resolve. She was quiet not because she was afraid to speak, oh no, it was because she chose not to speak. She smiled at the elders not in kindness, but because she knew their time would soon expire. You see, Hinata found out some truths about herself, about her mother, and about her lineage. This very truth would cause the Hyuga hierarchy to fold in on itself, completely and utterly destroying the clan from the inside out. And those bastards deserved it. Always berating her, ever since she was a child, they always threw in their two cents. Hinata could forgive, but never would she forget, for she had a very acute memory.
On her tenth birthday, all she wanted was a Melody whimsical mermaid Barbie. This Barbie was the bee's knees. When you put her mermaid tail in hot water, guess what? It turned pink! In cold water it turned purple! When you brushed her hair with her magical-mermaid-conch-shell-brush, it made her hair turn all the colors of the rainbow. ROYGBIV, motha-effa! Hinata wanted this doll so bad, she even memorized the commercial: "Melodyyy oh Mel-oooo—dyyy! Magical, whimsical, mermaaaiiiiid bar-beeeehhhh. Melooody oh Meee-loooo-dyyy be magical, whimsical, best-friends with meeeehhhh!". Yeah, so pretty much every Hyuga in the compound knew how bad she wanted this Barbie. Long story short, she didn't get it. Instead, some granny Hyuga gave her a lecture about how she needed to take her role as heiress more seriously, and she was too old to be playing childish games. And how when she was her age…Hinata spaced out at that part, but what the hell? She was only ten, what adult things could she possibly do? This dried up sack of bones telling her she too old? The irony was too much. So from that day on, Hinata kept that old hag in an especially dark corner of her mind.
Hiashi peered out his window, looking at his children on the balcony. This scene was especially disturbing for him. Hyuga just don't sit around and "chill", secondly he just knew that they were plotting his demise. Knowing how strict he had been with his eldest daughter and how he branded his nephew, he sure damn deserved it. The insults he threw at her in frustration, just wishing she could be tougher and stronger. And for a long time Hinata really tried, tried hard to beat the odds. He sighed, exasperated with himself, he was maybe too strict on her. But how could he not be? Her cousin excelled at everything, like a true genius. He often wished that he was his heir instead. That thought should have never been voiced, even if it was late, even if it was only whispered to Ko, even if it was only the wine speaking. When his hazy eyes connected on hers, he knew she had heard. Her eyes glassed over, but tears were never shed. Ko rushed her off to bed, she probably felt he was more of a father to her anyway. The next day, her eyes were dim. Like a light had shut off. That day Hiashi knew that Hinata hated him. That was also the day that karma showed herself as the salty sea bitch she was.
There had been a turn of events in the Hyuga compound. If Hiashi had to trace it back, it would be around when Hinata turned thirteen. As was the original agreement between the two clans, Hinata was to be sent to her mother's clan during the summer months after Hinata turned six. She was dual heiress of the Hyuga as well as the Shiratori. But since the Shiratori clan was situated in the mountains near Kumo, and the whole Kumo-wanna-kidnap-the-hyuga-heiress-to-scoop-out-her-eyes-but-get-caught—and-then-lie-about-it-so-Neji-daddy-gotta-pay-the-price fiasco, Hiashi was uh, reluctant, to let his daughter go. But don't get it twisted. He was more-so worried about her beloved byakugan wielding eyes than her safe keeping because he's a douche like that. So both clans agreed to allow Hinata to travel to Shiratori land with escort once she turned thirteen.
So Hinata turned thirteen, her birthday effing sucked, again. Not only did she still not get the mermaid Barbie (it's still something she greatly desires) but instead of cake they had damn sugar-free tapioca nasty ass pudding. Why? Hinata had the whole night to come up with a reason why, and thus came to this theory. The Hyuga compound was overpopulated with advanced aged citizens. These zombies were old as dirt and thus had some degenerative diseases, including but not limited to sugar diabetes. They also probably only had about eight teeth between all of them. Eating damn sugar-free nasty ass tapioca pudding is no treat (no matter how nice the nurse says it is). The old hoagies knew this which only made them angry, causing them to reflect on their younger days and resent youth because it was long gone, dried up from their liver spotted asses. The rapidly increasing level of anger turned their hearts black, causing them to hate every youthful being within a ten mile radius. So to extract their revenge, they made every one partake of the damn sugar-free nasty ass tapioca pudding. And the icing on the proverbial cake was that it was the heiress' birthday, which they hated because she was young and not insulin resistant. Ratchet ass geezers. Afterwards, Hinata packed her bags and was ready to go early the next morning. Her escorts were Lee, Neji, and Hanabi. Her father was obviously too cheap to put in for a formal team of shinobi, stingy bastard.
But as Hiashi sat in his study, recalling when Hinata left for the Shiratori clan, he also recalled the devastating truth he learned about his own clan that day.
"Hiashi-sama?"
"Not now Ko, this is the first time I have not had the kids in years!"
"Hiashi-sama, its not like you're ever with them when they are here."
"Kill joy. What is it you have to tell me right now, Ko?"
"Well,we….As of right now, the Hyuga are broke."
"…"
"Hiashi-sama, please say something."
"Well, fuck. I knew I should've married Hinata off to one of those Uchiha pricks!"
Anyone living and breathing in Konoha knows that the Uchiha and Hyuga aren't exactly the best of friends. All the other clans seemed to get along just fine, but maybe that's because their ninja skills were so different. Although they would never admit it, not even in the flames of a thousand amaterasu's, many Konoha residents felt that the sharingan was just the red-headed step child of the byakugan. Yes, pun intended because the sharingan is indeed red. But just because it's thought to be a bastard child with no known daddy, that doesn't make the sharingan any less powerful. The Uchiha were no dumb-dumbs, they knew errbody was hatin' behind their backs. This was one of the reasons they were so damn stuck up. Since the Hyuga were pretty stuck up and everyone accepted it, they figured they could do it too. Sewing fans on every piece of cloth in the damn compound like people wouldn't know who they were if they just activated their damn eyes. Whatever. Mikoto won't having none of that. Although she was mother of the Uchiha clan, or so they called her, she wasn't raising her babies to be rude nor snobbish. For instance, one day her eldest son came home from the academy and of course her smart little genius of a baby had worked up an appetite, but just cause you hungry don't mean you can talk to your mama any old kind of way, don't be rude.
"Mom, I'm hungry."
"Okay, 'tachi-baby give me a second I'm on the phone."
Three very literal seconds pass by.
"Moooom, I'm starving."
"Itachi, okay. I'm still on the—"
"You said give you a second, and I waited three."
"Dafuu? Oh haaayell, no. Keiko, girl let me call you back." Click, hair toss, leg cross, hands on hips. "Excuse me, but when you see me on the ph—"
"Mom! You were taking forever and—"
"And I told you to give me a second."
"…and I gave you three—"
"Oh now you wanna get smart with me!? Wanna get smart and interrupt!?"
"M-mom, I…"
"Oh that's right, I forgot you was a little genius." Tiger, bear, rat, rabbit. (hand seals)
"Mom, what are you—"
"Kuchiyose no jutsu!" The smoke clears and the world's biggest belt appears, "Now Imma beat yo little genius ass!"
"AAAaaaAAAaaAaAaHHhhHHhhH!"
"Told *whack* your *whack* ass to *whack* wait *whack* a* whack* second *whack*!?"
This continued for three more sentences, each word separated by a whack of the belt. When it was all over, the belt disappeared in a puff of smoke and Itachi sat cowering in a corner.
"Stop crying."
Itachi, try as he might could not stop the whelps escaping his mouth.
"Ok, you wanna keep crying? I'll give you a reason to cry…" Tiger, bear, rat, rabbit.
Itachi's eyes widened as he clamped his hands over his mouth, shaking his head "no" with much vigor.
"That's what I thought."
The microwave dinged and Mikoto pulled out the plate and set it on the table. She filled a glass with some apple juice and pulled the ketchup out of the refrigerator. Itachi quietly took his seat at the table and began to eat his dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets, they were his favorite. If Mikoto had known then that her eldest son could not grasp abstract thinking and never would, then maybe….maybe she wouldn't have performed beat-yo-ass-no-jutsu on him. Yeah right. She picked up the phone, punching in the numbers with acute manual dexterity.
"Hey, Keiko. Yeah, girl you know I had to beat his ass right quick. Mmhmm girl, yes I did. Beat-that-ass-no-jutsu. Lulz!"
Mikoto was stirred from her reverie by the opening of the front door. She could tell by the footsteps it was her hubby. She looked at the clock, he was early. Not this shit again. After Sasuke was born, Fugaku would "randomly" show up throughout the day because the milk man apparently had made some comment about her being a MILF. Paranoid bastard. But Sasuke was thirteen now, so that couldn't be what was up. Truth be told, Fugaku was tired. Being the Uchiha clan head, chief of the Uchiha police force, father of the most amazing and talented Uchiha children, husband to a smoking hawt wife and being damn sexy himself…well it was all very, very tiring. Damn fate for making him so utterly destined to be marvelous. He sat down his Uchiha lunch box and Uchiha coffee mug, unbuttoned his Uchiha jacket and hung it on the rack then bent over and pulled off his Uchiha sandal-boots. Now he could relax, perhaps get it in with his honey-boo-boo before the kids got home and maybe even get a sandwich.
"Miko-baby, daddy's home." He leaned against the doorframe of the kitchen, "Oooh, you're wearing the blue apron. You know that turns me on."
"Hush, Fugaku. I'm trying to finish dinner so just stop."
In an instant his body was pressed against the back of hers, she squeaked in surprise. He wrapped his arms around her.
"Let me help. How about I toss that salad?" He questioned, wiggling his eyebrows.
"Really, Fugaku?" Mikoto swatted him away with her dishtowel. If this marriage hadn't been arranged, he'd still be single.
"Awww, c'mon Miko. I took off early just for you, babe."
"Well then you should have brought—"
"Brought you these?" He whipped out a dozen of roses, from nowhere. So add magician in with the rest of that previous list.
Mikoto gasped, eyes misting at the rare site of her husband being thoughtful. Not really entirely thoughtful, but close enough. Without further adieu, she jumped into his arms, wrapping her legs around his waist. Hotly kissing one another, they were hornier than two high-schoolers trying to be on the next season of Teen Mom.
"M-mommy..?"
Mikoto and Fugaku froze, hoping somehow that would grant them invisibility from their baby boy's eyes. They both looked out a window to see fate floating bye on a breeze, smiling whilst flipping them the bird until he was a shining star, disappearing on the horizon. Luckily, or unluckily depending on how it is perceived, Itachi walked in.
"O-oh."
With super Uchiha ninja speed that only he possessed, he knocked Sasuke out, catching his limp body in his arms. He disappeared up the stairs, and returned a few moments later.
"This is why you should have told him the truth." Itachi stated.
"About what?" Fugaku asked.
"The birds and the bees, geez Fugaku!"
"Birds? Bees? No mother, I'm referring to sexual intercourse and procreation." Itachi once again stated.
Both parents stared at their son for a moment, and then just shook their heads. It could definitely be worse. They were probably going to have to arrange a marriage for him.
"Oh, Itachi, look at the flowers your father brought for me!" Mikoto beamed, holding out a handful of nothing. Before Fugaku could give Itachi the Uchiha glare which communicated everything which could not be said, Itachi simply stated, "What flowers mother?"
She blinked once, twice, thrice. The genjutsu faded and when she looked down into her hands she saw nothing. Her arms fell to her side, hands balling into fists.
"Fugaku!" Boar, rabbit, dog. "Black widow no jutsu!"
"Miko-baby, I was gonna get the real thing later—AAAAAAHHHHH!"
The microwave dinged and Itachi pulled out the plate and set it on the table. He filled a glass with apple juice then pulled out the ketchup from the refrigerator. He took his seat at the table and silently began to eat his dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets. He just loved these damn nuggets. Wow, a stegosaurus and a brachiosaurus!? Thanks, mom. He looked out the window and watched as fate winked and gave him a thumbs-up before hopping on a unicorn and ascending a never ending rainbow to Valhalla. He wondered to himself if his mother knew of the other times his father used genjutsu on her.
Sayuri walked into the kitchen, taking a seat next to her eldest brother and partaking of his nuggets. Itachi was nice, so he shared. She easily ignored the commotion between her two parents. She used Uchiha nonverbal communication with Itachi to find out what was going on. Sayuri raised a single eyebrow, Itachi quickly raised both, in return Sayuri frowned slightly to which Itachi only shrugged. Which roughly translated into…
"Dad used genjutsu on mom again?"
"Yep, though you would think he learned his lesson the last time when he genjutsu'd their whole anniversary dinner because he was so busy at work he forgot."
"Or the time he used a shadow clone to take her out on one of their date nights. Oh well, dad is hopeless. He's never gonna learn."
"True that, little sis, true that."
Sayuri tossed her hair over shoulder, she may have looked more like her father but her mannerisms were definitely of her mother. She had always been told (by outsiders) that she didn't look like an Uchiha, some even went as far as saying she wasn't one. They had to be fucking kidding. Did they not see her decked out in her Uchiha garb? Not just anyone can get these fans…One particularly hilarious rumor was that Sayuri was a bastard child of an extramarital affair involving Fugaku and some no named whore. The Uchiha would have never bothered with her if it weren't for the fact that she had the sharingan, which most female Uchiha did not have. So having no choice, they brought her to live at the compound. If the creators of this rumor had been Uchiha, they would know for a fact the Uchiha elders would not have gave a single fuck and left her to die outside the gates because they barely gave a shit about the Uchiha kids within the compound. Secondly, if her father were having an affair, her mother would have ended his life. That's the simple truth. Thirdly, her father couldn't pick up an unconscious woman lying at his feet, which is why his marriage was arranged. Lastly, she hadn't even activated her sharingan yet. Dumb fucks.
The simple truth behind Sayuri's existence was that she and Sasuke were what one might call irish twins. They were barely seven months apart. After birthing Sasuke's big ass head, Mikoto had assumed that her doctor put her IUD in place, just like after she had Itachi. But that ass monkey obviously had other shit on his mind. You know what they say about assuming; make an ass out of you and me. Lo and behold at her six week check up, Mikoto found out she was preggers. So after Sayuri was born, she had a tubal ligation. Which basically means they amaterasu'd the shit out of her fallopian tubes.
Later that night (because he was kicked out by his lovely wife), Fugaku found himself sitting on a bar stool next to an equally vexed patron who was none other than Hiashi. Hiashi, being broke, was getting free drinks (which the bartender didn't know at this time) on his name alone. They shared a glance, and in that moment pushed all rivalry aside and actually shared a connection that only two amazing clan heads of powerful ninja clans could share. Approximately fifteen minutes later, both were what someone might call white-boy wasted, singing lady marmalade on the karaoke giving shout-outs to each other and calling for someone named Consuela to pass out the desert wine. Approximately three minutes later they both were kicked out. But the joke was on them, neither clan head paid their tab. There, slumped in the alleyway both men formulated a plan of success that both their clans would benefit from. The writing was on the back of a napkin, but they both signed it then shook hands. Fate walked past both men's slumped form and pooted in their faces. He just ate a bag of salt and vinegar chips, they always made him gassy. He whistled and an albino black panther appeared, he jumped on his back and disappeared into the black of night. At that time, babies began to cry and dogs howled at the moon. Some real shit just went down in Konoha tonight.