The Most Fitting Death of Jar Jar Binks
In the new Star Wars prequel trilogy, there is but one character that stands out as an object of hatred to all who view. I am of course referring to Jar Jar Binks, the infernal amphibious demon. I have thought long and hard about Episode III because I know that Binks must die (because he, thankfully, does not appear in the original trilogy) along with the rest of the Senate, and I often found myself pondering, "How will they do it?"
Many (and by "many, I mean "I") have thought that Anakin's first act of turning to the dark side will be killing Jar Jar because let's face it. If you knew someone who had that voice and lack of social skills, you would feel that they needed to die as well. I recently thought that they would just have Jar Jar on a ship that soon after explodes. This death would be enhanced, of course, if there were a close-up of Jar Jar's face right before the explosion. (The face of course having a look of sheer unadulterated terror) While this would be beyond awesome, I, dear friends have thought of a way that would be even more awesome.
Scene: Jar Jar's spacecraft was shot down over Hoth, and it crash-lands in a giant snowdrift. Jar Jar is still alive, and manages to crawl out of the burning twisted metal and shattered glass wreckage with only a few minor cuts and bruises. Jar Jar wanders around disoriented in the blizzard for a few minutes, trying to seek shelter and begins to catch frostbite because he is an amphibious creature as well as ill-prepared for the frigid conditions. Jar Jar begins to turn blue/white, and his wounds begin to get infected because they are not treated. He then says, "Meesa can't go on much further…" and collapses. His irritatingly long tongue lies out of his mouth in the snow, but he is still breathing.
Shortly, a wampa ice creature finds the Gungan menace lying there, sees he is still alive, and drags him off to his ice cave. Jar Jar is awakened with blinding pain as his right foot is torn off by the wampa. Jar Jar screams for help, but nobody is around to listen, nobody except the wampa who derives a certain amount of pleasure from hearing unnecessary and annoying characters scream. The wampa chuckles a bit. He rips off Jar Jar's right leg, and once again, Jar Jar screams in horrible pain, shouting Gungan obscenities and cursing the day he was born. The wampa is displeased and rips out Jar Jar's vocal chords somehow without ripping out the trachea. (Audience goes wild with glee) Jar Jar should have passed out from the pain or died from bleeding, but this is far too satisfying to trouble with silly biology and anatomy facts.
Jar Jar attempts to crawl away, but this also displeases the wampa. The wampa, as a short-term solution, raises his mighty uber paw of awesomeness and bashes it down on Jar Jar's upper spinal cord, breaking it and paralyzing him. Then, to make sure Jar Jar doesn't move (some may call this "overkill") the wampa takes two large icicles and pins Binks' ridiculous Gungan ears to the ground. Jar Jar screams again, or at least tries to because he no longer has vocal chords. The wampa proceeds to tear off Jar Jar's other leg and ingest that as well, all the while putting the bones in a neat little stack off to the side.
The wampa then decides that he would prefer his meal cooked, so he proceeds to take a large stick, and (Jar Jar is still alive, mind you) impale Jar Jar through the lower torso, making sure not to kill with the stick. He then tears the ears off, (there is a later use for them) roasts the Gungan over a flame, (ask not how the wampa made fire) and that is how Binks finds his termination. However, the story is not yet over. The infernal amphibian has given the wampa, in the immortal words of Dave Chappelle, "mud-butt", and the wampa must quickly remedy the situation. He builds a small Lincoln-log-style toilet with Jar Jar's charred, bloody bones, and then proceeds to let the feces fly, spraying the walls of the cave, but still getting a good amount into the "skeletal restroom" as it were. The wampa then realizes that he has made a terrible mess of his cave, and goes on to clean up the cave utilizing the Gungan menace's severed floppy ears then throwing them away.
At this point in the film, George Lucas comes on. He says, "Fans of the Star Wars trilogy, I would like to apologize for two things. Firstly, I apologize for interrupting the motion picture. Secondly, I would like to apologize for creating the character of Jar Jar Binks. It was a marketing idea, and I was, admittedly, quite inebriated at the time I thought of his character. I feel that this horrific death, which would undoubtedly give the film an R-rating, if not NC-17, is the only way to truly atone for my cinematic sin, which has wasted the time and money of you, the fans who have brought me to where I am today and without whom I would be nowhere. I once again apologize wholeheartedly, and may the Force be with you."
This would ideally be a scene from Star Wars: Episode III, Revenge of the Sith. It will most likely not be, but dreams sometimes do come true.