Falling without training wheels
Pairing: Castle/Beckett
Rating: M
Spoilers: For "Secret Santa"
A/N: Thanks to arafel_sedai for her beta work
It's perfect; the lights, the tree, the kiss, everything. Kate is overwhelmed and then—
"I didn't get you anything."
"What?" OK, yes, she did technically say "No gifts" but seriously?
Castle squints a little. "I did what you told me."
"I didn't mean—" Kate takes a deep breath and steps back from him. She's not doing this, at least not in front of his family. "Never mind." She's conflicted about her own reaction; frankly, she's not even sure what she was hoping for.
"Why don't you both take a seat?" Martha saves them. "I'll pour another glass for Detective Beckett."
Castle squeezes his daughter's shoulder as he rounds the corner of the table. "We're going to eat dinner as a family, and then you two are both taking off." He nods his head at Alexis and Martha.
Kate panics. She certainly did not want to break up the celebration, she was under the impression that she was invited to join in. But as the back and forth of the conversation continues on around her it becomes clear that Kate has stepped into the middle of something else. Martha agrees with Castle that Alexis should send a text to the boy (who exactly that might be, Kate has no idea) and say something about changing her mind and meeting him in an hour.
"But," Alexis tries to say, "I already told him no, it'll seem…"
Martha insists. "It'll look like despite your best efforts to be with your family, you can't resist his charms." As they continue to feast the discussions shifts to Martha's pre-arranged plans, the caroling and more that was once canceled but now back on again.
Kate's chewing carefully, considering what it all means. Castle must have insisted that his family stick to tradition but has since changed his mind and that's when her eyes meet Castle's across the table. Oh.
He would've been alone. If both Alexis and Martha had their way, and Kate of course had already turned him down, then he would've been spending Christmas Eve alone. It makes her annoyance about a lack of gift seem awfully petty. No matter how wrapped up in her own issues she was, how could she have missed that he was going through something too?
Over dessert Alexis is texting on her phone until she announces success. After a quick kiss on Castle's cheek she's at the door. A cheerful, "Have fun!" by Martha follows the flurry of activity, and then Alexis is gone before the girl has pulled on her coat and hat.
Castle clasps his mother's hand briefly. "Go on. We'll clear the table and do the dishes." And then they're down to two. Kate walks over to him, sinks down across his lap and puts an arm around his neck to steady herself there.
Castle grins at her, "Hi."
"You could have told me that they both had plans." The 'I never wanted you to be all alone' part is said with her eyes.
He shrugs a little, and she gets the return message, it was about her mom and he understands. He's not always patient and understanding when it comes to her, but when he is, maybe she's taken too much advantage of him. She never once expected him to push this time, doesn't know how she would have reacted if he did. Still.
"Dishes," he says. "Then movie marathon, or maybe only A Christmas Carol." She's standing up and moving when he adds the last part under his breath, "Because that leaves time for the other kind of marathon."
She rolls her eyes at him, since it's the reason he says these things to her anyway. He likes her predictable reaction. He's also the kind of man who doesn't take it personally when she drops off and dozes for a while during the movie.
Kate was sure that the conversation about the lack of exchanging gifts was done and long forgotten. Until later when he brings it up again while they're shutting off the lights and turning down the sheets. "I was supposed to have gotten you something," he says.
"Castle." She sighs as she lies back against the pillow. "I told you not to."
"Yeah, but it was really one of those female 'I said one thing but secretly kind of hoped he'd read my mind and know that I meant the opposite' things. Wasn't it?"
It'd be worse if he weren't so dead on. She stumbles around her brain for a reasonable response. It hadn't only been that. "I didn't want the extra pressure."
The logical side of Kate believed the decision made the most sense. Simply getting through the holiday season and the beginning of January is pressure enough. This year even more so, knowing Castle's boundless enthusiasm and overindulgence in the spirit of the season would have exactly matched her mother's own. They would've been unstoppable together, unbearable to the rest, if they'd ever actually known each other.
Tears begin to blur Kate's eyes but she pushes back against them and the image constructed in her mind far too effortlessly, like a hasty thrown together Photoshop of Castle and her mom side-by-side. No crying, she'd promised herself that much this year. She might not be able to match Scrooge at the end of the story, but at least she wasn't him at the start of it either, nor was she going to lose it.
"But I guess that I was…" Kate starts to say, then trails off. Despite logic, she's a woman with her heart at stake. She'd wanted a modicum of his joy to seep into her, subconsciously at least? Plus, she was curious about what he might have picked out for her, if given the chance. She never meant to play mind games with him, if anything, it was more about working out the mysteries of her own mind.
"Yeah, I get it." He's on his side, his fingers outstretched and playing with the ends of her hair. "For the record, this is totally not my fault, because I only did what you said."
"I'm not mad, Castle."
"Not my fault," he emphasizes this. "But I kind of feel like an ass anyway."
She can't help the smile. "That can be my Christmas present."
"Oh, nice one." But he's leaning in to kiss her, pride not actually wounded, and it feels good. It feels right. They've always come from opposite directions yet somehow balance each other out. Maybe that's what she's got to learn to trust in more. Even now, even when she's no longer pushing him away but pulling toward.
She tugs Castle and he rolls on top of her, his hands skim along her sides and down to her hips, bunching up the material of her nightshirt there to expose more skin. She kisses across his jawline and nips at his bottom lip before he opens his mouth to her. They're not undressed yet but already rocking in rhythm, to mimic later when there are no barriers between them. The friction quickly builds craving, coiling want inside her body. They slow for a moment; Castle rests his forehead to hers.
"Please," she says, sensing somehow that he needs to hear this. He usually doesn't, instead he takes what he needs, or knows what she needs, or lets her do the taking, but tonight he's going to be careful with her. It's not necessary. She's fine, really, but there's probably no way to talk him out of it.
"I want you happy, Kate. That's all."
"I know." She skims her hands under his cotton t-shirt and up his broad back, along the way taking the material with and pulling it over his head. He scoots down a little, to get rid of his boxers and give himself room to slide the lace panties down her legs.
He likes to watch that part, to draw it out. Loves to see her slowly revealed. Maybe that's his gift to himself this year because when he smiles up at her with a look of complete and utter 'Santa brought me exactly what I wanted' on his face, she has to laugh.
Yeah, they're going to be OK, she decides. She rids herself of the nightgown and reaches for him again. He sinks against her, his weight pushing her further into the mattress. She's not going to be the one allowed to run the show tonight, she knows this, and it's not because Castle has a thing about power trips or his male ego won't allow it or anything along those lines. He's more than happy to relinquish control to her in bed. But tonight, she recognizes that he yearns to take care of her and if she didn't know him better she might be annoyed. From him, right now, it's sweet.
Castle kisses down her body, takes his time traveling her curves, until his tongue circles her clit. She's ready for him, and while she appreciates what is mouth is currently doing to drive her mad, she pulls at his arms and makes a frustrated sound. Not now Castle, I need you inside me, she wants to get the words out but can't seem to string them together. He doesn't stop. Relentlessly doesn't stop, and she has no option but to let him take her up to the edge of the cliff, and then over.
She's still shaking when he slides into her, and she opens her eyes to see him smiling widely. OK, maybe a touch of male ego after all. She kisses him, while lifting her hips in the pace that he's set. Soon she can't kiss him anymore because it's all she can do to get a breath. His head drops and nestles against her neck as he speeds up. When she breaks for a second time, he's right there with her. Her name is mixed in with something like a cross between a whimper and a sigh of relief.
Castle's full weight is pressing on her again, his warmth surrounding her, and it feels so much more comfortable than it should. It's him, and it's Christmas Eve. Comfort isn't something that she's associated with this time of year for a very long while, but she's willing to accept it and that's a step forward.
Rolling onto his side, Castle takes her with until they're front-to-front and he pulls the blanket from the bottom of the bed to cocoon them. She tucks herself up against his chest and keeps her legs tangled with his.
"Come Valentine's Day," he finally says, "don't even bother to try to tell me not to get you something. I won't listen." She chuckles, but it doesn't stop him from going further. "I'm going to shower you with gifts."
She's in for it now, and mentally rolls her eyes because she can't work up the energy to do it for real. "Promise me you'll try to show some restraint."
"Mm," he says in sleepy agreement. Or at least she hopes.
"Merry Christmas, Castle." Because it is, despite everything, it's somehow merry. It's not perfect, they're not perfect, but they're them and it's enough.