I sit down and observance this place, the people.
I've thought about this moment for so long, since I agreed to come here. I guess my family would have never allowed me to move to Seattle if I hadn't promised to show up monthly on these meetings.
Even if the incident happened about two years ago, it was either this or finding a psychologist here in Seattle. I can't say I blame them but these two years have been so overwhelming that I would've done anything not to be living with my father.

I can sense that everyone here know each other well, it's like a big family – big self harming family. I've never been very social, I never liked the hype of many people coming together. I've always been the quite one, the one who writes her owns thoughts down instead of having the need to tell everyone about them.

There are about twenty people and me sitting in a circle – This is exactly how I imagen AA meetings. There is this one girl in charge who is telling everyone about these sessions and how thankful she is to be a part of something that can help other people finding them self's and finding happiness. I am seriously surprised that she haven't praised Jesus.

"I can see there are some new faces here today, I would like to personally welcome you to DSM- Seattle. I am Natalia and run DMS. For people who have never been in something like this before, you could think that this is all very strange and new. But trust me when I say this, look around you – the people in this room might save your life in the long run and I am a living example of that."

" We begin every meeting with a new face and a fresh story, so anyone who would like to share why they decided to come here today and why now?"
She looked at me and added, "You are new, tell us about who you are and what brings you here and why now."

Wow she just gets right to the point. I wasn't much of a public speaker, my heart started beating faster and I hoped that people couldn't hear my heart screaming how uncomfortable I was.

" Hi I'm Ana. I've never done this before so I don't know what is expected of me here. I recently moved to Seattle – so that is the reason why I am here now, but I guess I had some problems down the road that I'm not comfortable sharing, at least not now.

But I would like to read something that I wrote when I felt really low and I guess when I started to feel that I could hurt myself for real. " I say to the group and began reading out of my notebook

" I've often thought about dying, not how but when I would die.

There is something about dying young that fascinates me.

That people I know could imagen who I would have been and where I would have ended up. I would be alive in their own fiction.

Dying young makes it possible to young forever.

I don't believe dying is hard compered to living.
Waking up and knowing what is expected from you.

And doing it again, and again. That is hard.
To be stuck in a vicious circle where there is no way out, makes the death always friendlier and friendlier.

The death doesn't scare me, maybe because he is my friend.

When everyone has had enough of me, even myself.
He will take me close and make sure I will never me alone again. "

I finish reading my last sentence and I could feel my heart slowly calm down.
I looked up and I met the greyest eyes I've ever seen in my life. They were so raw, like the eyes of someone with no soul. Like an animal, a predator.

And without understanding why, I got butterflies in my stomach.

The meeting went by quickly, I was lost in his eyes. I haven't given the person who those lifeless eyes belonged too many thoughts, because there was nothing to see. He was wearing a black hoody with a cap underneath. Like he was hiding or uncomfortable being here.

And when Natalia called the meeting over, he was out of here within a minute.