Keep me in your heart for a while- Warren Zevon

Shadows are falling and I'm running out of breath
 Keep me in your heart for a while
If I leave you it doesn't mean I love you any less
 Keep me in your heart for a while

Darling Peter, I already know that you do not blame me for leaving you all but that doesn't stop me blaming myself. I look back on the times we have shared and I cannot bring myself to regret them, I know it makes me a bad person, though you would never admit that.

I can hear you sleeping peacefully next to me as I write this. Usually you wake when you hear me leave our bed but I guess you're sleeping pretty deep tonight baby. When you read this it'll be too late for questions, but that's the idea I guess.

I cannot help but feel I forced our love upon you, despite you repeatedly telling me that this is wrong, that you loved me long before you ever cared to admit. But now I look back at the destruction we caused, I caused, and I know that it should not be me laying in that bed next to you, but her.

Some people are meant to fall in love Peter, but that does not mean they are meant to be together. I always said forever but It turns out forever wasn't mine to promise. The Gods had other ideas.

I tried hard to pretend but I think it's time to admit that we fall into that category. I know now that I never should have pulled you away from all that you once had. You had the perfect set up in your backstreet bookies. It wouldn't have been easy but you and Leanne would have made it through, until I came along. As I said though Peter, no regrets. We were worth it all weren't we baby? Oh we could have had it all.

I want you to know Peter that just because I can not have you, that does not mean anyone else can either. Not straight away. I hope you will at least mourn me for a while, and when you find another I hope I will not slip away completely, not from your memories at least.

I want you to find someone that makes you happy. Someone that brings the twinkle to your eyes. Someone with much less flaws than me, that won't make you worry so. Oh you did worry Peter Barlow.

I love you with such a force it aches Peter, oh Peter. I wish there was another way. A way I could be a better wife, a better mum to Simon and Amelie. In another life I would not let this disease eat and eat away at my being until I am hollow inside, but this time it wasn't meant to be.

I need for you to be strong for me Peter, if I can be then I know you can too, do not let them win. Because we made it this far. Drink is in your past now my darling. Do not let it become your future. Do it for me baby, for our children. Take care of them for me, I know they'll miss me dearly, but you'll do a fantastic job.

Remember Amelie likes her ribbons in her hair for nursery, pink and purple. Except on Fridays when it's blue and yellow. Simon will show you how. I keep them in the draw beside me bed. Simon gets picked up at 7pm on a Friday from Jake's house, so be won't be on the bus. Neither like it when you cook spaghetti because you always burn it, and make it go hard so I'd avoid that one. Lasagne is one of their favourites, but you already know that, it was always yours too wasn't it my love?

I promised Simon he could have that phone he's been on about for months if he looks after his baby sister when I'm gone. Don't tell him yet but I've already brought it, top shelf, left hand side of the wardrobe. You'll know the right time.

Amelie thinks I'll be a butterfly when I'm gone. I read that cocoon and the butterfly book at bedtime the other week n now she's obsessed. Try not to let anyone take that from her, I know it'll help and I so desperately don't want her to forget me.

Don't be too upset baby, I haven't gone completely, I never will. I'll be right there with you, through it all. Maybe when you're doing things around the house you'll think of me and smile. Just know the hardest part of all of this is leaving you and my precious children. Simon may not be mine but I love him like he is. Make sure he knows that always.

I love you my darling husband.
Thank you for saving for me from myself, and for giving me everything I ever dreamed of and more. You were always my saviour.

Keep me close by Peter, 'cos I don't wanna miss a thing.

Love you baby,
Carla

Peter's tears escape madly as he holds her lifeless form tightly. Sobs breaking through his entire body. She had gone peacefully, of this he is grateful. It still doesn't stop the constant aching in his heart that he knows he'll never escape. He cannot bare to let her go, knowing it'll be the last time he feels her warmth again. So he lays there, awake all night. Playing the words of her letter over and over again, while she rests for the final time in his embrace. His tears still soak through her hair as he places kisses to her face and forehead. He holds her all through the night, never taking his eyes off of her for fear she will disappear, all the time knowing that while his children sleep soundly across the hall, their perfect mother has been snatched away. And he promises to his angel wife that he'll spend the rest of his life ensuring they know how much she loved every atom of their beings.

And while she lays across his broken body, Peter remembers the moments he so often took for granted. And swears he'll never forget the way her eyes sparkled, her dirty laugh or the way she picked herself up and dusted herself off, better and stronger than ever.

Carla Barlow
2012
Loving mother and wife
May she never be forgotten