Rich in the scent of nutmeg and aglow in the light of a fireplace, the penguin's headquarters are fully prepared for Christmas. Rico watches, brow arched, as Private wiggles with excitement beside the penguins' capsule pipeline. He turns to Kowalski, "Uh, what Private doing?"
"You don't know? Rico he does this every year. He's joyously anticipating the arrival of his Uncle Nigel's Christmas letter." A-thunk-thunk. A small vessel arrives in the tube. Private squeals in delight and tears it out of its slot only to have his face fall a moment later.
"Oh… it's for you Kowalski."
"Yes! My new issue of Mad Science! Christmas edition. You know that this has the schematics for the… for the uh…" Kowalski falters at the look on Private's face. "Oh I'm sorry Private."
"It's okay Kowalski, I'm just worried about Uncle Nigel's letter, it was supposed to arrive yesterday."
"Perhaps it has been delayed, that happens-"
"Oh no! It must have gotten stuck somewhere! What if it's stuck forever and I'll never get to see it!"
"Now, now Private. I'm sure it'll find its way home eventually."
"But Kowalski…" Private gives him his best puppy-dog eyes. Kowalski has to look away.
"Oh, alright. I guess there are measures one could take in the event of a lost letter."
"Like what?"
"Get letter?" asks Rico, shrugging.
"Yes Rico, that's exactly it. We'll follow the Pneumatic Tube Transport-"
"The what?"
sigh. "'Mail-tube' and find out where Private's letter has gotten to.
"Yay!" shouts Private and Rico grins.
Private, Rico and Kowalski wander through the sewers following the tube. They don't invite Skipper because they didn't know where he was and they were off duty anyway. To keep from becoming bored they start a game.
"Animal or mineral?" asks Private.
"Mineral."
"Can its components be used in scientific experiment?" asks Kowalski thoughtfully.
"Yeah."
"Kowalski, you can use anything for a scientific experiment."
"True, hadn't thought of that."
"Is it red?"
"Red, Private? Really? You can't think of a narrower question?"
"Yeah," Rico answers Private.
"Oh, well then it's dynamite," says Kowalski.
"Yeah!"
"We should have guessed that in the first place," says Private.
"Okay, okay, my turn. Uhhhhh- sewer rats!"
"Kowalski, you're not supposed to tell us."
"No there are sewer rats coming." Up ahead two rats come round the bend. The penguins ninja cling to the ceiling before they're seen.
"Okay," says one rat, "animal or mineral?"
"Hmm, both."
"Is it food?"
"How did you know?"
"'Cause it's always food."
"Foooooood."
"You're ridiculous Steve."
"I love food, I love food. When are we gonna get food?"
"When the King gets back from the food bank we'll all have plenty to eat."
"Yeah! Stolen food is the best food." The rats turn another corner and vanish. Above, the penguins drop to the ground. Private gasps.
"Did you hear that? The rats are stealing from the food bank! We have to stop them!"
"What about you letter?" asks Kowalski.
"Now's not the time to be selfish Kowalski, it's Christmas!"
The penguins shadow the two rats closely through the sewers. Soon their quarry meets up with more rats and more until they're following a whole horde of them. The ceiling opens up to reveal a manhole above and a ladder running down from it. Descending the ladder is the beaming Rat King, carrying a bag of loot. The rats cheer.
"Alright," says he, dumping the contents of the bag, "who's going first?" Cans of soup and beans and boxes of crackers tumble out into a mountain of food. The rats charge forward but as soon as they get close Kowalski, Private and Rico double flip to the center of the pile. The penguins land in an intimidating fighting stance, the rodents stumble backwards in surprise.
"That all depends on which one of you wants to get smacked down the most," says Kowalski.
"Smacked down?" whispers Private, "That's a good line."
"I know, I didn't even plan it."
"Get the birds!" roars the Rat King. The little rats lunge at the boys, who stand in a circle deflecting the onslaught with ease. Shaking his head, the Rat King cracks his knuckles and swipes at the penguins. They jump out of the way and counter-attack. Kowalski goes for the head, Private the stomach and Rico the legs. It's hardly effective. The Rat King catches them all in a backhand and sends them hurdling into a wall, beak first. Upon sliding to the ground the penguins gather themselves up and extract a bazooka from Rico, aiming it at the King.
"Woah, woah! Just chill! What's the deal?!" says the Rat King.
"We want you to return that food to the needy," answers Private, crossing his arms disapprovingly.
"But it's our food, we're the needy."
"Don't you think for a moment that-"
"Excuse me mister," says a little voice. Everyone turns to see a tiny rat-child looking up at them, "do we have to take it all back?"
"I, uh…" Private doesn't finish his sentence. He and the other penguins look around and see that in amongst the usual goons were the faces of the sick and the old and the young. They all look up at the birds with pleading, worried faces.
"What is this?" asks Kowalski, "Everybody here looks starved." Rico lowers the bazooka.
"That's 'cause they are dude. There's not much food here in the sewers so every year round Christmas we treat ourselves with a little loot."
"Are they really gonna take away the food?" asks one of the other rat-children. Kowalski, Rico and Private look to eachother.
"No," says Private, "no we're not." The rats raise their arms and cheer. They embrace the penguins and the Rat King ruffles Kowalski's feathers.
"Alright man, awesome," says the oversized rodent. The penguins return the affection with bittersweet smiles and pat the little ones on the head.
Walking back home the penguins don't speak. They almost had taken away Christmas from those who really deserved a little bit of it. True, they had no idea of the exact circumstances so the mistake wasn't their fault but it stung just the same.
"We didn't accomplish anything today did we?" mutters Kowalski to himself.
"Private's letter?" offers Rico.
"No. I'm sure it'll turn up or something," says Private without looking up from the ground. Something told the other two that Private had all but given up on finding that letter. They open a secret door in the wall and go down the corridor towards the HQ. Inside, they can hear Skipper talking to somebody.
"They should be back from wherever anytime now," says Skipper.
"I sure hope so, I'm really looking forward to spending time with Private," says the other voice.
"I know who that is," whispers Private. He bursts forward and into the HQ. There, sitting next to Skipper at the table, was Uncle Nigel. "Uncle Nigel!" cries Private.
"Private! There you are!" Uncle Nigel stands and brings Private into a hug.
Private looks up at him, "I never got your letter."
"Never got- Private I am your letter. I've come to surprise you. Are you surprised?"
"Yes!" Private squeezes Uncle Nigel harder. Rice and Kowalski watch and smile contently. Guess they did accomplish something that day.
The end.