Down the Hobbit Hole and What Gandalf Found There

To be great is to be misunderstood.

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Once upon a time in a land far away, where the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe, there was a hole in the ground, which had a hobbit (I think that's the way it goes…). Of course (as you all know) the hole, wasn't simply a hole. There were no straggling roots, or white grubs, or strange creeping things; indeed, Bilbo Baggins (no doubt, you've heard of him) considered it the finest hole in the Shire.

And so did Gandalf. He liked it so much that without so much as a by-your-leave, he invited thirteen of his shaggiest, grumpiest, smelliest friends there for tea (and marked up perfectly nice green paint with a nasty, ugly rune). I need not recount how the door had burst open, thrust aside by a perfect sea of Dwarves, flattening poor Mr Baggins…but I ought to mention something that Tolkien did not; namely that Bilbo Baggins was never quite right in the head again after Bombur accidentally landed on him in the hustle.

This is very important for the rest of the story and might even explain why Bilbo signed the contract which Thorin Oakensheild thrust under his nose; a contract that included various clauses related to (and not excluding)…wet feet, hunger and incineration…it also explains why he giggled when Kili commented that he'd rather have hair on his face than on his feet (even though it wasn't particularly clever, or funny).

And then there was that map ("Thorin, my dear fellow," said Gandalf, "You're looking at it upside-down.") and that key ("Ow," said Bilbo when it slipped out of Dori's fingers and landed on his toe) and the mission ("You, Master Baggins," Thorin had said with great solemnity, "Are to break into a Dragon's Lair and tell us if he is really still alive…and perhaps, if you happen to see, it, find a shining stone which is of great value to my family."). Bilbo had the sense to be slightly disturbed by this ("I have stones in my front walk," he'd said, rising and falling on his toes, "Wouldn't those do?")

"Now that we have our burglar," Gandalf said in a more serious tone as he lit his pipe. "Our thoughts should turn to the fifteenth member of this quest."

Thorin looked dubious. "Gandalf," he said warningly, "If you've pawned another Halfling off on me…"

Gandalf raised his hand calmingly, "Peace Thorin. Of course not. The fifteenth member-"

He cleared his throat, "The fifteenth member is a singular person of unusual and striking appearance-"

Thorin rolled his eyes.

"Don't interrupt me, Thorin," Gandalf said stiffly. "You might as well give up this quest entirely without the help of this fifteenth member. Now will you hear me out?"

Thorin's face had taken on a look of long-suffering as he made an acquiescing motion with his hand. Kili grinned at Fili and there was a chuckle from the direction of Dwalin. Bilbo noticed for the first time that the grandfather clock in the corner was still ticking; the brass pendulum flashed light like the Eye of a Dragon. He shivered.

"As I was saying," Gandalf said a bit more loudly than necessary. "This fifteenth member is a long lived person with very great wisdom, a thorough knowledge of the paths you will travel and a certain….shall we say...diplomacy…which Dwarves do not always possess."

Thorin opened his mouth, then closed it again.

"Who is this person?" Balin (being the only truly diplomatic person in the room) asked pleasantly.

There was a long silence. Bilbo, considering Gandalf's dramatic nature, listened earnestly for a knock at the door that would herald this strange and spectacular individual. From the corner, with perfect timing, the grandfather clock cleared its throat and stuck One…a long, apprehensive note. As the sound faded from the silent and smoke-filled air (all the Dwarves had pulled out their pipes some while back), Gandalf raised his hands and shook his head, looking from face to face with an expression of hurt and surprise.

Thorin's eyebrow rose as he drew at his pipe, blowing a long, dragonish cloud of smoke around his head.

"You silly fools," Gandalf said haltingly. "It's me of course. I'm coming too."

Author's Note: This is the first in a series of five short spoofs poking fun at The Hobbit book and movies (mostly the book). This particular one was inspired by all those 'fifteenth member of the company' stories which seem to be swimming about. We would like to humbly suggest that Gandalf was the fifteenth member.

We have written one other (rather more serious) piece of Hobbit fanfiction, entitled 'The Only Right', wherein Bilbo tells Thorin why the Arkenstone doesn't really matter.

Reviews are always welcome!

~Psyche