*Okay, here's what the deal is. I'm a HUGE Mariah Carey-Cannon fan (yes, I call her MCC, got a problem with that?!), so I thought I'd have some fun and write a series of one-shots based on her lyrics/song titles. The title of this story is based on the title of her song on the E=MC2 album, (OOC, Out Of Control) simply because these will probably go all over the place. Canon (Uh-huh-huh… I said Canon *said like Butthead*), AU, sad, funny, strange… just trust me and expect the unexpected. They're all E/O, or have undertones of E/O but may just deal with one or the other. **Disclaimer - Dick Wolf, NBC, and whoever own SVU, Mrs. Cannon owns the lyrics. Bastards. **A/N - When I Saw You from M's Album 'Daydream' Elliot's inner musings. R&R pwease!
I rarely go home anymore at the end of the day and when I do, I'm constantly searching for an excuse to leave again. Usually I spend nights here in the cribs in the dark and I think. No technique I've tried will allow my brain to shut down and sleep peacefully. Nope, all that I can do is think. I think about the past, I think about the future. I think about cases, my family, my friends. I think about the fact that my marriage is falling apart, and my children hardly see their father and mother together unless they're involved in a shouting match about nothing and everything. I think about just saying fuck it all to hell and eating my gun. I think about the consequences of if I ever went through with it. I think about death, life, day, night, here, there. I think about every fucking thing that's eating away at my soul like acid, because none of it ever goes away and all of the burning is making me hollow. I can't not think about it, because there's no way to get it out of my head. There's no one to shoulder part of the pain, partially because I won't let anyone in. Partially because if know if I do, they'll take out running and never look back.
Kathy tried to understand. I say tried and not tries because she's given up on me. I'm a lost cause and she knows it, so she doesn't bother anymore, and part of me can not blame her. The other part wishes she could just lay off when I tell her I don't want to talk about it. It adds fuel to the fire, but I guess she's just as stubborn as I am. Even so, she's got four kids to worry about, and I really don't need to add to her burden because I know we'll only drift further apart than we already have. Wait, that's happening anyway. It's just that all this shit is eating me up inside, and I don't have the ability to be a good father or a good husband anymore.
Cragen demanded that I talk to Huang, and I did but I never really opened up to him. I hate shrinks, and it doesn't matter that Huang is more of a friend than a therapist. When I'm speaking to him, he's just another doctor and there's no way in hell I'm going to sit back and let him pick my brain apart. I put on a pretty good act though, because he told the boss that I was as good as could be expected and that I was on my way to a full recovery. Ha, yeah right. My full recovery has me sleeping once again at the precinct, staring at the ceiling in the dark… thinking.
Cap let me know last week that he'd found me another replacement. Something new to think about. The fifth to be exact, and I can't say that I'm exactly thrilled. My first partner and I were pretty close. I'm his son's godfather, his wife Allyson is Lizzie's godmother, and Detective Ryan Wilkes is Dickie's godfather. Well they were the children's godparents. A year ago they decided to drive to Connecticut to visit Allyson's parents for Thanksgiving.
They never made it out of New York.
A truck driver swerved across the BQE freeway divider and smashed into the family head on at 80mph. Ally and Ryan died on impact, but little RJ survived until they reached the hospital where he died on the operating table.
What eats at me is how unnecessary it was for him to die, even though it sounds a bit selfish. He was a fucking police officer! A detective that, if he died before his time, should have died a hero's death. Instead his life was cut short on one of those rare occasions that he decided to take a break from work and spend some quality time with his family. By a fucking moron who didn't have sense enough to just pull over and rest instead of jumping behind the wheel with 72 hours of sleep deprivation. Sure, the acting prosecutor wasn't lenient on the bastard, but the judge only sentenced him to 10 years with the option of parole after two. Personally I wanted the asshole to eat my gun. Two years in prison means shit when you've taken three lives being reckless.
Damn, my cell phone alarm is going off, so I guess I'd better head downstairs. I'll save the rest of my thinking for tonight, after I call Kathy to let her know our non-existent case hasn't wrapped up, and I'll have to stay in Manhattan once again. I'm sure she never buys it, but since she knows I'd never cheat on her, she usually accepts my lame excuses. I love her for that. I hate her for it. See how fucked up I am?
***
I just came back from lunch, and Munch has just informed me that my new partner arrived while I was out and he's talking to Cragen right now in his office. Why the hell is John looking at me like the cat that ate the canary? I've got a feeling I'm not going to like this new guy either. Great. I hope he can hear my irritated sigh from beyond that door. Then perhaps it won't take as long for the fucker to ask for a transfer. Shit, I don't take Cragen's threats seriously when he tells me that the next time I run a partner off it will be me he's transferring. And there he goes, he's calling my name. Let me get this over with.
Yeah, I'm stalling and taking my time to walk into the Captains office. Time to meet my new-. Wait, this is my new partner? A woman? An incredibly gorgeous woman? An incredible gorgeous woman with a brilliant smile? Oh shit wait what? Cragen just said something to me and… she's holding out her hand. Damn it, shake it you idiot!
Her hand is soft and as warm as her smile. Her eyes. I don't think I have ever seen that shade of brown before. At one angle they're chocolate. At another they are the color of a dark red wine. Damn it, I'm drifting again, what's going on? Okay, she's talking, Cragen's talking, and I'm talking but I don't know balls about the conversation I'm having and they don't seem to notice. All I know is that my heart is pounding so hard in my chest that I feel like I could pass out at any moment. Still, Cragen has no clue, but… can she tell? She's looking at me strange, and I've got a feeling that the emotion swirling in her eyes is mirroring my own but I can't be sure.
Olivia Benson. I'm sure she told me her name 10 minutes ago, but it's only right now that my brain is picking up on it. Olivia. Yeah, she looks like an Olivia. Wonder if she'll let me get away with calling her Liv. For some reason I know that she'll let me, but if anyone else tried it, they'd get told off. Shit! Why in the hell does my mind keep going on vacation. Cragen just asked me to do something… Show her the upstairs and her locker? No problem Cap, I'm on it.
She's babbling like she's nervous and it's adorable because for some reason I can tell she's not the babbling type. Is she nervous about the new job? Am I making her nervous? I won't dwell on it right now, at the risk of her sending me a 'What the hell is wrong wit you?!' look. Your locker is right here. Yep, right next to mine Benson. And she's talking to me again. Asking me questions about my life that all of my other failed partners have asked, but unlike with them, I answer her willingly, but I don't ask her anything. I know it's her nervousness that's making her ask, but I know she'll tell me everything about her when she's good and ready. No problem, I can wait until I've gained her trust. There's just something about her that feels like… home. I've never felt it with Kathy. Ever. Not even when we were first married, and I know that she'll be around for a while.
So tonight when I spend my last night in the cribs once again I'll spend it thinking. I'll think about her, and how only the sight of her makes me want to be a better man. Makes me want to live, and take care of my family, and realize that my lie is meaningful. I'll think about how at a glance, she restored my faith. How I firmly believe that God answered my prayers and sent me an angel.
I'll think about how I know that one day down the line, maybe in five years, maybe in ten years, she'll ask me about the moment I fell in love with her, and I know exactly how I'll answer her.
'When I saw you.'
Soft heavenly eyes gazed into me When I saw you Only once in a lifetime love rushes in When I saw you With no beginning When I saw you
Transcending space and time
And I was rendered still
There were no words for me to find at all
As I stood there beside myself
I could see you and no-one else
When I saw you
I could not breathe
I fell so deep
Oh
When I saw you
When I saw you
I'd never be
I'd never be the same
Changing you with the tide
And dawn's ribbon of light
Bursts through the dark
Wakening you inside
And I thought it was all untrue
Until there, all at once, I knew
When I saw you
I could not breathe
I fell so deep
Oh
When I saw you
When I saw you
I'd never be
I'd never be the same
And without an end
You are the one for me
And it's evident
And your eyes told me so yeah
Your eyes let me know
When I saw you
I could not breathe
I fell so deep
Oh
When I saw you
When I saw you
I'd never be
I'd never be the same