A/N: I know, I haven't updated any of my other stuff, but I'm planning on updating MMB very soon, if that's any consolation. ;p Honestly, tonight I wasn't that impressed with the episode, though all the CB scenes were obviously lovely. Hehe. I just rewatched the last CB scene though & was totally inspired. So, I had to write this. lol. It'll probably be pretty short, since it's mostly thoughts, but I hope you'll still enjoy and review. Thanks. =)

*I own nothing. No copyright infringement intended.

….

She couldn't pass it off as hate sex in the morning. She knew that. They'd become friends that evening, real friends again. He hadn't tried to seduce her after they'd gloried in their victory. He hadn't even tried to stay longer than was probably the polite amount. It was proper and how things should be now, how they probably should have been ever since they came back from Paris. But it wasn't just a look that bid them farewell. It was a hug, a sweet, tender hug that spoke a thousand words, and sweet kisses that turned into a hungry passion all over again. Except this time she couldn't pass it off as hate sex. They weren't enemies anymore. They were friends. Friends that were so in love it hurt to think about.

The sex was hazy and tender this time. The last week had been filled with lusty, angry, fierce animal sex that while extremely enjoyable did not hit on the emotional level, not in the process. It was merely for physical pleasure, as far as they were concerned. But this time it was so intimate she wanted to scream in frustration. The beauty of it all drowned her in a sea of contentment. She would have to rise out of the still waters in the morning, because everything would be different, because at this point even thinking of them as a couple just because they'd mended their ways enough to be civil, was hostile. It wasn't safe thinking those thoughts, not even now. But in the stillness of her room she gloried in the heart he said loved her. She couldn't open herself up to him like she'd done before. It would be too easy to get hurt. She was still too weak and her strong barriers were already coming down. But his hands sliding across her skin comforted her in the madness. His gentle touch was all she had to hold onto.

All that talk of being rid of meaningful sex with Chuck and being able to do the same with meaningless sex was a lie. Both had been hard to do, and though she'd succeeded at the latter and been so good at refusing the former, right now – this moment – it had all come undone. Because here they were, whether they knew it or not, having meaningful sex. He was making love to her. Chuck Bass was making love to her all over again. Her heart clenched tightly in her chest at that realization, and it created a tension within her that was so strong that she hoped it could be passed off as sexual pleasure. It was just her luck that his kisses created a noise resembling a gasp at that exact moment.

When she'd pulled away from his hug, she hadn't wanted him to go. She'd actually initiated the hug. He was the one to end it, though maybe she'd done it just out of sheer desperation in not wanting to hurt anymore. Hatred built up walls that needed to be there in order to escape the hurt. Friendship was a huge step down from that, and when she'd pulled back, she hadn't moved, because his lips were so close, his breath warm against her face and all she'd wanted was him on her, in any way she could get it. The moment had been so intimate, so still, and she'd been beyond relieved when he leaned back in to kiss her, when he hadn't pulled away just because they were friends now. This couldn't be over. She knew it with all of her being. They'd come up with an excuse in the morning as to why they had faltered, or maybe they'd decorate themselves with the new label of friends with benefits, but it wouldn't change the fact. He loved her. She loved him. And if things weren't so damn complicated, if their whole story wasn't filled with so much pain and hurt, that might have been enough.

She wanted it to be enough, but her heart wouldn't let her. She'd given him so many chances but her undying love for him didn't excuse what he did. Their new status as friends didn't make amends for everything he'd done to her. Breaking up, hating, being friends, loving, none of it would fix things. It was all so torturous, and was only made worse by her aching desire that he tell her he love her as he made love to her. She wanted to tell him everything was fine, to see that wild grin on his face that she always did when she decided to come back to him. That was all she wanted. But her heart was still broken.

His kisses soothed her, decorating her face, her neck, her belly, her legs. His hands wrapped up in her hair gave her shivers that rippled throughout her entire body. Everything was so magical and it made her so angry that it wasn't really real. It was her decision alone that they couldn't be together, but they couldn't. She knew they couldn't. She couldn't just keep giving him chances in the hope that he wouldn't hurt her just because she loved him. She'd done it too many times and she wasn't about to do it again.

But somewhere in the back of her mind, she thought that maybe someday if some miraculous event or change of heart took place, that they would end up together. And in that moment she realized that she didn't want to ever be with anyone else. She couldn't imagine herself with anyone else, ever being as happy as she'd been with him, as she was with him. It was a curse, she thought, to forever be in love with Chuck Bass, the only man who could ever hurt her or love her more than anyone else. But so what? If she was cursed to be in love with him for all eternity, then she was cursed. Better poisoned by love than never knowing how desperately and blindly it was to feel such passion for another human being.

Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

It wasn't hate-sex. It wasn't friends with benefits sex. It was making love. Because that was all they felt now. That was all they knew. Even if it could never be said or revealed or accepted because of what they'd – he'd – done. Even if it was never enough. Love was all they knew.

"I love you so much…it consumes me."

…

A/N: Bittersweet, I think. I wanted to have B's thoughts somewhere admit to her slowly forgiving him, but I just don't think she's at that place on the show right now, so I resisted. Hehe. Please review! ;p And you know…I just thought…should there be a part 2 for Chuck's thoughts of this scene? *contemplates* Let me know! =D