All the Little Things
A/N: I was inspired to write this story by my own past experiences and this quote from British Poet Samuel Taylor Coleridge "The happiness of life is made up of minute fractions - the little soon forgotten charities of a kiss or smile, a kind look, a heartfelt compliment, and the countless infinitesimal of pleasurable and genial feeling."
Prologue: Losing Sight of What Matters
"Sam and I have always had one of those complex kinds of relationshi-" Freddie stopped writing and crumpled up the paper he'd just been working on and gave it a toss behind him, indifferent as to where it might land.
The room was covered in darkness that seemed to devour any light-heartedness that might be present. The only light came from a small desk lamp that sat near the frustrated young specimen straining at a single piece of paper that lay in front of him.
"I've gone out for a drive, I have a few things I need to sort out. Don't wait up nub. And I'm sorry, I'm just not strong enough to…well you know. You don't need to worry though, you're still my dork.
-Sam"
Fredward Benson stared intently at the tear-stained note, he couldn't even recall how many of those tears were hers or his own anymore. He was still youthful but visibly haggard. He hadn't left the sanctuary of his study in what seemed like days. What was once orderly and cleanly had become somewhat of a wreck as crumpled paper and used tissues littered the floor, contrasted only by the shadows that seemed to flood the room and drown it with a sense of melancholy.
Freddie threw his pen down and ran his hands through his hair in annoyance. He sat there thinking about how everything spiraled out of control. He never wanted things to get this bad and he felt foolish for letting them get to the point they did. He closed his eyes and reflected deeply on that evening.
-
A few weeks back
It wasn't the best day in the life of Freddie Benson. He was late for work on the set of "Seattle Law," a drama he was a cameraman for, he was reprimanded for a mistake of one of the other cameramen, he lost his collector's edition Flynn Airtreader Galaxy Wars mug, and to top it off he was still being bothered by the one thing that had plagued him the past week or so. Why couldn't she just bring her to tell him those three simple words?
Freddie began dating Sam their junior year of high school. He proposed to her their senior year of college, and they've been engaged for almost a year and a half. They still fought and argued because that's who they were, it was always resolved quickly though. But something was off about the argument they had been having off and on for the past week, Freddie just couldn't let it slide. To him "I love you" is a vocal promise of her devotion to him and without that he couldn't really trust her. To her it was empty words. She would rather show him through the way she acted how much she cared rather than be forced to say it. Neither budged on this fight because both of them believed they were right.
Freddie walked into his apartment in 4C of Bushwell Plaza that night in a bit of a mood. A mood he would later come to regret with his entire being.
"Hey Sam sweetie, I'm home." Freddie mumbled as he trudged through the living room, plopping down onto the sofa.
"Sup Fredlumps, how goes it?" (Roughly translates to "Evening honey, how was your day at work?") Sam shouted from the kitchen as she was microwaving some leftover take-out from the night before.
Freddie stared off at the ceiling, his day had been terrible but his mind couldn't pry itself off the fact that she refused to tell him that she loved him. "It was fine I guess…"
"Fine? I thought you would give me some kind of nerdy analysis on how your zooms are even better than last month." Sam said with a chuckle as she walked over to the brunette man and planted a kiss upon his cheek.
He remained silent. It would almost have been a painful silence if it wasn't for her chuckle which seemed to resonate all throughout the apartment.
"What's her problem?" Freddie thought as he continued examining the wall behind the television, "Is it that hard to utter those three simple words?"
Sam's face fell as she knew where this conversation was going. She got up slowly and made her way back to the kitchen and popped the food out of the microwave. She took in a deep breath and sighed, "I just can't Freddie…"
His ears perked up at the sudden change in her mood. He frowned as he toyed around with ridiculous reasons why in his head. "Am I not good enough for your love?" He finally muttered as he peered over at her.
Putting the food down, Sam turned to face him, a look of disbelief covering her entire visage, "Are you really gonna turn this into a big scene you drama queen?" Sam forced out with a hint of anger in every word, "You know that that isn't it. I really care but-"
"But what?" He cut her off, the anger and hurt welling up in his throat, "I just don't see how we can come this far with me being the only one that is able to express my feelings to you in that way."
She was hurt and her eyes sunk. Sam didn't react to pain the way most did though, she lashed back. "Oh yeah! Well maybe it's because you keep pressuring me to say something I'm not comfortable with! Did you ever think about that Frednub? Probably not because all you can manage to think about is your twisted feelings about what a relationship should be!"
She crossed the line in Freddie's head, he didn't need this, not today. "I can only think about MYSELF? If you gave a single damn about me, choking three small words out of your face shouldn't be that hard! I don't even know how much time I've spent trying to just coerce those words out, that's all I've wanted! I feel like a little puppy doing tricks and being obedient in hopes of getting a treat. I'm at your beck and call and you can't even be bothered to tell me how you feel about me!" He knew that she made it apparent through her actions; but to Freddie, words were worth a lot more than actions because Sam was full of action, never words He was steaming, his eyes had an intensity in them that he hadn't shown in awhile.
She stared fiercely at Freddie, seething with anger. She was struggling her hardest to keep her tears at bay, she knew they were both being stupid, but she never backed down from a fight and this would be no exception.
"Are you stupid?" Sam exclaimed with her voice cracking, letting a few tears escape her eyes in the process, "If you cared about me at all, no, if you even understood me at all, then you would know that I'm uncomfortable with things like that. You wouldn't force me if you loved me as much as you say! I'm just not that kind of woman! Have I ever made you do things that make you uneasy?"
"Sure you do, all the time, like that time at the rodeo when the clown was sick and you threw me-"
"That's not what I mean." Sam said coldly, clearly not amused with his attempt at humor, "Have I ever pushed you into doing something you just can't, something you just don't want to?"
Freddie remained silent. His thoughts were swimming around in a frenzied circle, he knew she was right. He knew this was pointless and dumb. He was just having another bad day. As much as he would like to agree with her, something inside him was remaining as stubborn as ever. The resilient teenager inside him wouldn't let this one go "You just don't understand! Argh, why do I even put up with this!" He shouted reaching for his coat.
"….Where are you going Fredward?" Sam mumbled, a voice that sounded both concerned and confused but still tinged with anger.
"Out."
He was already out the door when Sam squeaked the words Freddie had wanted to hear so bad.
"Don't leave…I love you."
She stayed still for a good fifteen minutes, sometimes cursing herself for being unable to tell him how she felt when it mattered, sometimes shouting at the top of her lungs how much she hated this. The tears were freely flowing as she made her way to the kitchen counter and pulled out a single sheet of paper.
Freddie wandered off towards the park. He made a circuit around the park and eventually found himself at the playground. He touched the swirly slide upon which he and Sam had first started their relationship. Freddie warmly recalled Sam going down the slide as he quickly revealed his face from below and kissed her deeply. Of course she pushed him down afterwards, but she leaned down into him and kissed him right back with what felt like endless passion.
He didn't know why he had to make such a big deal about her saying those stupid words, he knew she loved him, but some part of him wanted to hear it anyways. He despised that side of himself so much, especially after the hell that transpired today. He couldn't wait to get back to her and try to make it up to her, maybe he would buy her a smoothie or a nice steak dinner, but regardless, he was going to redeem himself.
Without realizing how much time had passed, he looked down at his Pear Phone and saw that it was 11:27 p.m. Swearing under his breath he made his way back to Bushwell Plaza.
"She's definitely right, I'm really stupid," Freddie reflected as he made his way through the lobby, past a sleeping Lewbert and up the stairs towards 4C. He laughed at the fact that he was wrong again and would have to be the one to apologize, he usually did anyways, right or wrong.
Freddie walked into their dark apartment, making his way to their room so he could get this argument out of the way. She wasn't there. That struck him as odd, she was normally in bed early because she loved her beauty sleep. His collected demeanor faded as worry began to creep inside his mind.
He searched the kitchen, nope. The bathroom, not there. The couch in case he just missed her, once again no. Fredward opened the door to his study and flicked on the light. No Sam but he saw a little paper on his desk that had her writing on it. His heart sunk. He walked towards it with apprehension in every step, his mind exploding in several directions, he couldn't think straight.
He picked it up and started to read it's contents.
"I've gone out for a drive, I have a few things I need to sort out. Don't wait up nub. And I'm sorry, I'm just not strong enough to…well you know. You don't need to worry though, you'll always be my dork.
-Sam"
His face fell from the paper. He slowly shuffled out of his study and sat down on the couch. He gazed at the small note stained with tears and read it over and over again.
"Great…You've really done it this time Benson." Freddie finally spoke after what seemed like hours of silence. He ran his hands through his hair and flung himself onto his back . Suddenly, almost without reason, he started to punch himself. Not in a light manner, but in a way one would hit someone who had insulted their honor. "Stupid!", "Useless!", "Idiot!" Freddie shouted between jabs, the tears careening down his face.
He stopped inflicting pain upon himself after a few minutes, wishing Sam was here to hit him instead, it hurt even more when she did it, but it always left him feeling better afterwards. Instead all he felt was the pain surging throughout his body, and the soul shattering emptiness that came from his mistake.
"Don't wait up nub." He kept repeating that line in his head. Was she coming back? She would probably not be back till sometime in the morning, he felt it best to try and get some rest so that they could talk like civilized people in the morning. He lay on the couch, letting the drowsiness begin to slowly overtake him, but he couldn't shake this strange feeling in the pit of his stomach, this feeling that things weren't going to be the same.
Freddie slumped back in his chair remembering that painful night. He did wait, she wasn't there in the morning. So he waited more. The minutes turned to hours, the hours to days, those days to weeks; and here he was, almost a month later, still regretting that night. He hadn't watched television for almost as long either so the outside world seemed like a far away place.
It had only been a month but the time was wearing down on him. His eyes carried a deep sense of sorrow that was only exemplified by the dark bags under them that seemed to store all the doubt and pain in his mind.
He never wanted her to leave him all alone.
And now that she did, there was this hole in him. He felt almost as empty as the words he tried to force upon her. The hurt he was experiencing seemed to taint everything around him. Freddie was stubborn though, he always had been. He held onto that hope that he would see her again someday, even as irrational as it was. He did love her. She loved him. He just had to go and mess it up. What was worse was that he knew he would never be forgiven, he couldn't forgive himself.
Freddie had spent all his time trapped in his own little study. His own little world. He replayed the moments they had together in his mind on endless loop. It gave him the clarity of mind he was desperately searching for. He regretted he couldn't have had it sooner.
He continued to torment himself after she was gone. It didn't feel like all that long ago that Sam would go out of her way to trouble him, bully him, tease him, all so he would know she existed. It seemed more and more that he was doing it to himself to make sure he was still there too, a fact he was becoming more and more uncertain of.
He spent his time remembering all the times she had been a pain to him, the best pain he could have ever wished. Freddie Benson knew that Sam was never good with words, she always expressed herself to him in the weirdest ways: she would jump onto him for a piggy-back ride, wrestle him to the ground just to be close, give him loving and caring glances, selflessly stand up for him if it was something she was adamant against, and even the way she hugged and kissed him was special in it's own way.
Freddie sighed out as he reached for his pen and a fresh sheet of paper. It took him a minute of thought before he was able to successfully write his thoughts onto the dimly lit paper. Thoughts he desperately wished with all his heart he could have made tangible before that fateful night. He denied his mind to wander on his simple regrets as he continued to scribble onto the paper. Miracles didn't happen in the real world, and as much as he wanted to turn back the clock, he understood what was said, was said. And with that Freddie looked upon the first paragraphs of what would be himself pouring every emotion he had ever felt for his love, Sam, into written form. All his love, his worries, his hurt; his everything.
"It was always the little stuff that made me love Sam more and more every day. Those little gestures that were so easy to overlook, but so sincere and beautiful. I fretted about the big things, she shrugged them off and gave me a lifetimes worth of love in various forms. They meant a lot at the moment, however, my selfish mind always searched for the gratification I've seen in the movies since I was a child. I never realized how important those little things were to me, until she left.
That's why I'm here, explaining to everyone who might listen and learn from my mistakes, just how much every thing she did showed how deeply she cared for me, and how it was so easy for me to lose sight of it in my foolishness. 'Treasure every moment,' that's what I would try and tell myself back then if I could, but I can't. Her actions told me enough, I demanded words, but the bad thing about them is that words hurt more than anything else can, because they last, sometimes forever.
Enough of my ranting. I've had so much time to understand things I should have known before, and it's about time I start talking about what made our relationship really work and function…"
Freddie's eyes began to sparkle with a small glimmer of hope and love, more than he had felt in awhile as he wrote out the last line of the paragraph
"…All the little things."