AN: This fic is just a quickie, well quickie in that I just wrote it today, and didn't really refine it as I normally do, based on Colbie Caillat's "I Never Told You". I love this song, and the first line always makes me think of Arizona (seeing as I read a lot and write some fan fiction, where her blue eyes are iconic), and after Thursday's episode, this song really fits them. So, I attempted to write a fiction for the song. I would love to make a fan video, but I don't have the equipment…hint, hint… Anyways, I hope you enjoy!
Callie sat uncomfortably on the hard stool. She smirked a bit to herself, you'd think after spending so much time miserably parked on a barstool your ass would become accustomed to, or even indented to, the unforgiving wood. Apparently, even the barstool, her close and personal friend, as of late, is unwilling to compromise for her happiness. Callie frowned to herself, that's not fair, she wasn't unwilling to compromise, she was willing to do many things…just not be in the same country as Callie.
Callie sighed and sipped on her Coke. It had been three weeks, four days, and- Callie glanced at her watch- five hours and, eh, sixteen minutes since Arizona walked away from her in the airport. And, after spending the first week, two days, and three and a half hours soaking her sorrows in Jack and Coke, she resolved to just Coke. Arizona never commended using alcohol as a problem solver, and while Arizona was not there to reprimand Callie, somewhere in the back of her head, she held on to the hope that if she lived her life with Arizona's likes and dislikes in mind, that just maybe, she'd come back. Callie shook her head, that was stupid, of course she wasn't coming back for selfish Callie. She was going to stay in Africa and be happy, while Callie stayed in Seattle to be happy.
Callie scoffed, "Ppfftt. Happy, my ass." Whoops, Callie smiled apologetically to the man beside her, she hadn't meant to say that out loud. Callie was at the point where she was having trouble remembering what happy felt like. Without invitation, the part of her brain that held the unwelcome rational thoughts interjected, 'happy is looking in her deep and sparkling blue eyes'.
Anyone watching the sullen Latina would have been confused by the glare that suddenly appeared on her face, but seemed directed at no one.
Shut up, brain. No Arizona thoughts…well, no happy thoughts about her. That just made things confusing. Music, I'll just listen to the music and drown everything else out. Perfect. Turning slightly in her seat to hear the music a little better, she tuned into the juke box.
I miss your blue eyes
How you kiss me at night
I miss the way we sleep
Screw you, music. Without warning, she was pulled back into her memories…
Callie snuggled closer to the body next to her, more than ready to let sleep claim her. She softly sighed in content. Just as she was about to drift away to dreamland a quiet voice reached out to her.
"Cal? Are you sleeping?"
Callie grinned to herself, "Yes, but you can leave a message after the beep…beeep." Callie couldn't even finish the sentence before giggling. Even in the dark, Callie knew Arizona was smirking at her, she could hear it in the lilt in her voice.
"Very funny. It always gets me that everyone thinks I'm the goofy, childish one in this relationship, but they would never think that again if they were around you at times like this."
Callie decided to continue with her mood and play dumb, "Times like what?"
Arizona rolled her ocean colored eyes, or at least, Callie assumed she rolled her eyes, because that's the protocol in these types of conversations, "After sex, right before you fall asleep. It's the only time that you're not a bad ass."
"Shut it, Ari. I'm always a bad ass," Without warning, she leaned over and captured her girlfriend's lips, in a short, but powerful kiss. "See? That was a hard-core kiss." Despite her claim at toughness, she giggled in delight.
Arizona laughed, "Fine. Whatever you say."
Callie just nuzzled her neck, "Thank you, now what did you want to tell me?"
"When?"
"Uh, when you said, 'Cal? Are you sleeping?'. Then, I said, 'Yes, but you can leave a message after the-"
Arizona silenced her with a gentle kiss, "Shut up, I remember now," Her blue eyes somehow managed to glisten, even in the dark, and the blue enveloped Callie in a feeling of warmth, "I was just going to tell you that I couldn't sleep."
It was Callie's turn to roll her eyes, "And, you just figured you'd spread the insomnia around, gee, thanks a million."
"No, beautiful, I thought you might help me sleep…" Arizona softened her voice, letting Callie know she needed her, and needing wasn't something she liked to express.
Callie smiled up at her, immediately switching gears, "Of course, babe. Lay down." Callie propped herself on her elbow as Arizona settled her head of blonde curls on the purple pillow. There was three things Callie did when Arizona couldn't fall asleep. 1: Callie leaned down and grazed her full lips against the soft pink lips of her girlfriend. She deepened the kiss, just a bit, then pulled away, finishing with a gentle peck. 2: Callie gracefully brushed a few stray curls off of Arizona's face, looking deep into her eyes, and whispered "I love you, Arizona Robbins, have sweet dreams now." Arizona's eyes were already over half closed as she smiled lazily up at Callie before flipping onto her stomach. 3: Callie tenderly laid her hand in the middle of Arizona's back and began to run her palm up to the nape of Arizona's neck, then all the way down to the waistband of her Care Bears boxers. She soothingly caressed the blonde's back until her breathing evened, and she began to snore lightly. And, it was these sounds that lulled Callie to sleep, her arm slung lovingly across Arizona's back. She was wrong, dreamland wasn't where she went when she fell asleep, it was where she was coming from.
Callie wrinkled her nose and took another swig of her drink. Everything had changed when Arizona left, but sleeping was the worst part.
Like there's no sunrise
Like the taste of your smile
I like the way we breathe
Damn it.
Callie groaned as she heard the crass beeping that signaled the end of cozy sleep. Sunlight broke through the curtains, alerting the sleeping couple of dawn's arrival. Before she could even begin to complain, a fair skinned arm lashed out at the alarm clock, silencing it. Then, suddenly, all went dark as the quilt was pulled over her head.
"Arizona? What are you doing?"
"Keeping you in bed," Arizona replied, as if it were both obvious and simple.
"As much as I like the sound of that, the sun is up and the hospital is bustling, and we have to go to work."
Callie couldn't see her girlfriend, but could smell the sweet scent of her shampoo and could hear the exasperated sigh come from her perfect lips, "No, Callie. The sun didn't come up today…"
Callie laughed, "I knew my mom was gambling when she claimed the sun would rise even with whatever crisis I had going on."
"No, hun. The sun didn't come up because your world ended, it didn't come up because it knew that staying in bed with me was waaaayyy better than going to work." Arizona kissed Callie softly on the lips, and Callie could feel her grin against her mouth.
"Well, I already knew that being in bed with you was better than work. The whole cosmos didn't have to change to prove that." Callie kissed Arizona, harder this time, enjoying the way her lips could find Arizona's, even in complete darkness. The taste of Arizona's kiss began to overwhelm Callie's senses and logic. The two began to kiss hungrily, pulling their bodies closer to the other. Hands roamed and tongues danced, their dark fort providing shelter from the bright world awaiting their presence. After several minutes, Callie reluctantly pulled back a few inches. Both knew what she was going to say, but for a moment each waited, savoring the taste of the other, while listening to the sounds of their lover's labored breath echoing in the darkness.
"I never thought I'd say this, but I kinda like when the sun doesn't rise."
Despite her ban on happy Arizona thoughts, the corners of Callie's mouth twitched, threatening a smile. The smile didn't come, but a twinkle danced briefly in her eyes, before passing with the next lines of the song.
But I never told you
What I should have said
No, I never told you
I just held it in
The next uninvited memory wasn't so distant, or particularly happy.
Arizona came bursting through the door, frantically searching for her girlfriend, and actually missing her in her fervor, "Callie!"
"Uh, Ari? I'm right here, no need to yell…" Callie smirked in amusement.
"Oh, hi. Totally didn't see you," Arizona laughed, a little too hard for the circumstances.
"Dammit, who gave you whatever drugs you're on?" Callie teased.
"No one gave me drugs, but someone did give me the CARTER MADISON GRANT!" Arizona squealed, as she threw herself into Callie's arms.
"For real?" Callie exclaimed, somewhat dumbly, as she squeezed Arizona.
"Yeah, for real! I'm going to get to help soooo many kids, Cal! I mean, it's a butt load of money to bring pediatric surgery to developing countries. I'll get to be in Africa helping children who've forgotten what help feels like. Oh, my God, Callie. I won the freaking Carter Madison grant!" Arizona bounced around the apartment babbling about things she would need and things she could do.
Callie smiled wide as she watched her fantastically amazing girlfriend, but one word from her whole speech was all that she could focus on…Africa. "That's great, Ari. Ummm…so, Africa, huh?"
Arizona slowed and turned toward her, her voice softening, "Yeah, if I accept the grant, I would be moving to Africa for three years."
Callie shook her head, we all know where it went from there. It was never an issue of being proud of Arizona or being happy for her, Callie was. She was unbelievably happy that her girlfriend got to live the dream, and unimaginably proud of her. Usually, even with friends or partners, Callie's competitive side would feel jealous of other's achievements and immediately seek to rise above. But, not with Arizona. At least, not this time with Arizona. She was just happy for her girlfriend, and amazed that she was lucky enough to be with someone as great as she is.
But, she never got around to telling her that.
Somehow, all she did was focus on the Africa part. The one crappy part of the whole thing, and that's what she singled out. She had always been a pessimist, all badasses were, but that was the moment she should have given in to her inner optimist. Stupid Africa. Stupid genius Arizona. Stupid wonderful Arizona. Stupid beautiful Arizona. Arizona isn't stupid.
And now,I miss everything about you
Can't believe that I still want you
And after all the things we've been through
I miss everything about youWithout you
"I don't want to go to Africa with you…we're standing in the airport, screaming at each other. We're already over."
Callie should be angry with Arizona, pissed at the words and actions that came from the lovely blonde in the airport that day, but that anger didn't matter anymore. Callie had certainly done her fair share of blaming Arizona. But, she was over it. It's not as if she isn't still mad, or hurt that Arizona left her standing in an airport, now she just sees the whole picture. Callie didn't tell Arizona that she was proud of her or that she didn't really want to go to Africa and Arizona had let her get away with it, until she couldn't take it and left. No one held sole blame for their demise, they simply wilted from double-sided neglect.
Joe silently came by, refilling her Coke, she shifted in her seat as the next verse started another onslaught of memories…
I see your blue eyes
Everytime I close mine
You make it hard to see
"I'm falling in love with her…scratch that, I'm pretty sure I'm already in love with her…" Callie rambled in a slightly defeated tone.
"Uh, I hear happy words coming from your mouth, but I don't hear happy voice…am I missing something?" Mark questioned.
"Mark! We've only been dating for a short time, I can't be in love with her! She'll think I'm a needy freak that falls for anyone that bats an eyelash at her…Oh, my God…she already thinks I'm a newborn, she's totally gonna call me a baby lesbian again…dammit, Mark, what am I going to do?" Callie breathlessly begged her best friend, clinging to his lab coat.
"First, you're going to get a grip, and not on my coat," he sarcastically retorted as he pried her fingers off his sleeve, "Second, you're going to man up. Which is ironic since we're talking about two women…wait, are you the butch one or-"
Callie punched him in the arm, "Stop that train of thought, and get to your point."
"Okay, okay. One, Robbins is not going to call you a baby again, she has way too much respect for you. Two, who cares if you think it's too early to be in love with her, if that's what you feel, then it's not too early. Third, if you took two seconds out of your 'bugging Mark' time, you'd see that she's in love with you, too." Mark eyed Callie wearily, unsure of her next move.
Callie considered Mark's words, closing her eyes for a moment. The second her eyes shut, Arizona's sprung forth. When she closed her eyes she could see Arizona's as clear as if Arizona was standing in front of her. It had been like that since the night they met in Joe's. And, it never failed to dazzle her.
When she opened her eyes again, they moved of their own accord and found the set of blue eyes staring back at her from across the hall. One look into the adoring blue orbs and she knew Mark's words were true. That was the moment she realized Arizona was in love with her.
Callie slid her drink away and propped her head in her hands, staring blankly in front of her.
Where I belong to
When I'm not around you
It's like I'm alone with me
Callie flipped over for the hundredth time in twenty minutes. She could do this, is wasn't that hard, she did it almost every night. She could go to sleep. It was 3:16 in the morning, so obviously she had some difficulty in that area, but she could do it.
Thirty minutes later, Callie gave in. She could not sleep without Arizona. It was getting ridiculous. She was a big girl, she should be able to sleep without her girlfriend in bed with her. Arizona was a surgeon, sometimes she couldn't be there, and Callie thought she could handle that. But, several unsuccessful hours has proven that she was wrong.
It just felt off without the blonde next to her. It didn't feel like she was in the right place at the right time. Callie let out a huff of frustrated air and kicked the covers off. She was going to have to do it…again.
Clumsily, she slipped on some jeans and a hooded sweatshirt and stuck her feet into some slippers. Grabbing her purse and keys, she exited and let the door slam behind her, her tired brain snickering at the thought of waking up Christina. Angry Christina was kinda fun. She trudged across the street into the hospital. Getting to the peds floor, she yawned as she politely asked where Dr. Robbins was at that moment. The nurse behind the desk gave her a sympathetic and knowing smile, before gesturing to the on-call room. After thanking her, Callie walked toward the room, tripping on something too small for her eyes to see.
She inched the door open, surprisingly quiet for the state she was in, and kicked off her shoes. Seeing the blonde curled up instantly made her smile. Stripping off her sweatshirt, Callie slid into her position behind Arizona and wrapped her arm around the other woman's waist.
Arizona moved her head slightly, "Amber?"
Callie stiffened until she realized that Arizona was grinning, "Nope, Amber was busy tonight, so she sent me."
Arizona grinned as she turned her head to accept a kiss, "Oh, Calliope…you'll do. What are you doing here at this hour?" Arizona smirked happily.
Callie glowered a little, and mumbled, "You know what I'm doing here."
Arizona offered a soft grin, "I know, but I want to hear you say it."
Callie sighed, losing her battle to be cool, "I can't sleep without you next to me."
"Hmmm, me either," Arizona kissed her lightly, but when Callie tried to deepen the kiss, she pulled away, "Cal, I'm trying to sleep here," and she turned over to prove her point, grinning to herself.
"Fine," Callie snuggled closer to Arizona, before mumbling, "You'd probably let Amber keep kissing you."
"Probably, but I can sleep without Amber, I can't sleep without you, so I'm taking advantage of you being here," Arizona murmured, already drifting off.
"Ok, but I'm going to go to sleep imagining hitting this Amber person with a brick…" Callie yawned, falling asleep thirty four seconds later.
But I never told you
What I should have said
No, I never told you
I just held it in
And now,I miss everything about you
Can't believe that I still want you
And after all the things we've been through
I miss everything about youWithout you
Her eyes. Her eyes when they darkened from lust. Her hair that bounced as much as her personality. The way kids light up when they see her. The way Callie lights up when she sees her. The way she can make Callie smile. Her smile. Her laugh that Callie swears has a melody, that quickly became her favorite song. Grilled cheese, the one thing she could cook well. Dimples. Her hiccups she gets when she laughs too hard. Drinking chocolate milk when she has a bad dream. Rainy nights spent in bed. Rainy mornings spent in bed. Her taste. Her smell. The tingles from her touch. Her.
Those were just the first things to come to mind that Callie missed about Arizona. And, she wasn't close to finished.
Callie's face contorted in a grimace as she tried to hold back a sob. She realized she wasn't going to be able to hold out much longer. Quickly, she slid off the stool, her feet hitting the floor with a dull thud. She squeezed past people and weaved toward the bathroom as the song finished.
But I never told you
What I should have said
No, I never told you
I just held it in
And now,I miss everything about you
Can't believe that I still want you
And after all the things we've been through
I miss everything about you
Without you
Screw you, song. She knew she messed up, she knew she was messed up. She didn't need the damn juke box rubbing it in. She splashed cold water on her face, letting the cool contrast to her heated flesh attempt to sooth her. It wasn't working so well. It just reminded her of the first time they met. Which is why, when she straightened up from the sink, she assumed what, or who, she saw behind her in the mirror was just another memory plaguing her emotions.
After a second of looking at the reflection of intense blue eyes, she took in the rest of the face. Her hair was long and her face tanned, this was not a memory. Just to be sure, Callie turned slowly, afraid of not seeing her as much as she was afraid of seeing her.
Dammit, she was really there. And, thank God. Callie studied her for a moment, just taking in being able to see her again. Arizona stared back with a look Callie didn't quite understand.
Arizona flicked her eyes over Callie's face, finally she gave a slight shrug as if to say she didn't know what else to say, "Hey."
Callie cleared her throat, "Hey."
"Are you ok?" Arizona offered a hint of a sad smile.
Callie contemplated continuing down this déjà vu path, but changed her mind, "I never told you how proud I was…am…of you for winning that grant and being brave enough to move to Africa to help those kids. I never told you how happy I am that you get to live the dream. I'm sorry I ruined it." Callie swiped at the trailing tears and looked at her hands.
After a moment that seemed to stretch on forever, Arizona's gentle voice broke the silence, "I never told you that the dream wasn't a dream without you in it…" Her voice cracked as she added, "It was just a nightmare."
Callie's head shot up, shock etched her face. After a few minutes of studying the other, Callie grimly broke the tense stand-off, "So, what are you doing here?"
Without hesitation, Arizona whispered, "Seeing if I can fix us."
Callie's jaw dropped, her hurt and anger surfacing, "You left us, Arizona. You had to understand how I would react to being left…again. You were the only one that could fix me last time someone abandoned me, and-"
"And, I could be this time," Arizona interjected with conviction.
"I don't know, I can't just forget that you left. I know that I pushed you, but you still left me in an airport. You know who I am, you know it's highly possible-probable- that I'll mess up again. How do you know you can deal with that, and how do I know you won't leave again? And, how can I possibly let you give up your dream in Africa for me. You'll regret it and resent me, and we'll end up fighting again…" Callie trailed off, sounding exhausted and defeated.
Arizona took a deep breath, "Ok…one, usually when you mess up, it's because you're being passive aggressive or are being just a little self centered, and I like to live in denial and ignore it, until I blow up. Now that we're both aware, we can take steps to fix that. Two, I now know what it's like to live without you, and I can't do it." Arizona paused, nervous about the next part, "And, three…I'm going back to Africa, no matter what happens here." Arizona looked her square in the eye.
Callie's face scrunched up in confusion, "Wait, what? You're planning on leaving again, whether I want to work us out or not?"
"Callie, you're right, I don't want to give up Africa, I want to finish there. And, I don't want to make you move. So, if you say no, and if you say no after I do A LOT of fighting for you, then I'll just go back to Africa and we can try to move on. And, if you say yes to, or at least give me hope for us, then we'll talk and I'll go back to Africa, where we'll email and visit each other when we can."
Callie stared at Arizona with a stunned look, stuttering out the only thing that came to mind, "You-you don't believe in long distance relationships."
"I didn't before I met you, someone completely worth the work of a long distance relationship. I miss everything about you, Calliope Torres, and if you could find it in your beautiful, huge heart to give us another chance, I believe we could make it work. We just both have to agree to be honest with each other, even when it's hard." Arizona's eyes were brimmed with tears.
Callie gazed into her eyes, "I don't blame you, you know." Seeing Arizona's confusion, she continued, "I don't blame you for leaving, I blame me for making you leave."
Arizona's face betrayed a hint of a smirk, "I blame you, too."
Callie gave her a look of disbelief before realizing that she was only half serious, "Fair enough."
The two women stared at each other, not as tensely as before, just a look between two people standing on the edge of something huge, both knowing the right answer, but both hesitant to make the first move toward it.
Callie sighed, "I can't say yes, but I can say there's hope."
Arizona nodded, "Then, we're on the same page…Can I buy you a drink?"
Callie nodded, following Arizona toward the door, as she reached for the handle, Callie grabbed her wrist. In a unsure tone, Callie asked, "Does this page that we're on, let me to kiss you?"
"I think down at the bottom, in fine print, it says that you can."
Callie grinned shyly, "Good." She slowly closed the gap between them and softly placed her lips on Arizona's. It was brief, but full. Very much like their first in that bathroom. It gave Callie hope, a filling hope that finally outweighed the looming doubt and despair.
Arizona giggled, "What is it about this bathroom?"
"Huh, I don't know, you're just twisted like that."
"Very cute."
"Yes, I am, that's why you came all the way back from Africa for me." Callie looked down, suddenly shy.
Arizona grinned, "Well, that's one of the reasons."
Thanks for reading. And, on a side note, forgetting how heartbreaking the end of the episode was, who else thought Arizona was freaking adorable/hot in the scene where she's wearing the little crown? Or is that just me? J