Fight or Flight

A/N: So Japrilites, GA Season 11 has proven to be abundantly challenging for Japril and yet our couple have had the mettle to overcome…until the finale, that is. Here is when we learn that the loss of their baby has reverted our characters to their previous habits of temporary resolution – Jackson by burying his emotions and April by running. While I have the utmost faith that GA Season 12 will be their journey back to each other, I have some ideas to basically show their emotional journey post Season 11 finale. This is total fanfiction and not at all the route that I envision the writers and Shonda pursuing but I thought that this would be an entertaining project over the hiatus. The plan is to pen a multi-chapter fic, so please read and review as I would love to know your thoughts and while I am aware of the story I want to tell, I am always open to suggestions (welcome it, actually!) – I may not incorporate ideas if they deviate substantially from the plot I envision but I would seriously consider it if it adds to the story. Hope you enjoy this initial chapter! Disclaimer as usual: All characters belong to Grey's Anatomy and well, Shonda Rhimes.

Chapter 1

He stood at the side of the bed looking down at her sleeping form. From the tear tracks, puffy eyes and fetal position she had curled herself into he knew that she had cried herself to sleep and the small corner of his heart not encased in anger and hurt, broke a little more. Slightly inebriated as he was and pulling his usual number of stoic for their Grey-Sloan Family, he felt exhausted. Home with April, having her in his arms, was where he had always allowed himself to be vulnerable. Except he hadn't had that for the last year or so of their lives – since they'd lost Samuel in fact. How could they call it 'Losing' someone he wondered, not only had they barely had him with them but using the term 'Lost' implied pure carelessness and neither of Samuel's parents had ever been careless with him. His arrival into their lives had actually been eagerly anticipated, they had been so ready to herald in their new roles as parents, so excited to begin this new chapter of their lives, three instead of two.

He hurt. More than he'd been able to articulate, more than he thought possible. He hurt for himself and he hurt for April. He hurt for his son who never got to live; the knowledge that he couldn't protect Samuel ate at him. Most of all though, he hurt knowing that he'd lost April too. Being friends they had always counted on each other but from the moment she reached out and grabbed his hand at the wedding ceremony she abandoned, they scaled a new plateau in their relationship – they became all to each other. How many times had she defended him to Webber, his new step-dad, he realized, and he had stood up for his love, for his April, to his mother, the extremely formidable Catherine Avery (hyphen Fox, hyphen Webber? Who the heck knew?). How had they reached this point, where not only was he not a source of comfort and protection to her but where he'd actually become a hindrance to her recovery? Her fire within had been doused and where did he see the emergence of sparks today – when she was performing a daring trauma rescue! Ironic really, that ensuring the survival of a family is the catalyst to the conversation that destroys his.

He's actually surprised to find her here, he thinks to himself as he prepares for bed, deliberately avoiding his reflection in the bathroom mirror. He is weary of viewing the image of the defeated, disappointed, extremely angry man in the mirror – well okay the anger is new or at least the acknowledgement of its existence is a novel approach for them. There's a reason that he rarely visits his inner emotions and unfortunately for him it's a lesson he's doomed to keep on learning. It's an Insanity, he reflects, continuously repeating the same mistake and expecting a different outcome each time – kinda like his very own Groundhog Day. He becomes a ticking time bomb ready to explode once his trigger is activated and his trigger today was April wanting to leave for what was basically ANOTHER tour of duty, even though she had never been drafted by the United States Army in the first place.

He climbs into bed and for the first time since their marriage he doesn't reach over to pull April into his arms. While he has calmed down somewhat, his anger is on a slow burn. They haven't resolved anything, not his ultimatum and not her decision. He knows that he's blindsided her. Under normal circumstances the April that he loves would never knowingly hurt him as she has, but they are nowhere near business as usual. April turns over and even while asleep she naturally gravitates towards his warmth, burrowing into his neck and with her arm slung over his waist. He lays still as a statue for a moment, a scene from that night playing as a movie reel before his eyes – he'd pushed her away he recalls, physically removed her arms from around his neck, breaking a promise to himself with that action. He'd vowed to never again reject her when after their marriage she explained how he'd devastated her after the night of the super-storm. Without further analyzing he relaxes into her embrace, running his hand in a soothing motion up and down her back. It's become his pattern, usually after they've made love but also when they just lay in bed discussing each other's day or even when they were just too exhausted and fell straight into slumber. His arms have never felt so empty as the time when she was away and recently on the very rare occasion when either one of them has picked up a night shift.

Vacillating between sleep and wakefulness, his musings are interrupted when he feels soft kisses on his neck.

"April…" he whispers groggily, slightly exasperated. Such inappropriate timing, as usual – it's the Kepner way. Avery's, on the other hand, have impeccable timing – see exhibit A, one interrupted Taylor/Kepner wedding! "What…what are you doing?"

"I thought you wised up," she replies, trying her utmost to rekindle the fire by reverting to a past humorous moment – the moment she'd bared herself physically in the revolving door supply closet at work, ready to jump her husband's bones. She gazes into Jackson's not totally alert eyes and is this time clearly aware of the hurt she's been too blind to notice before. She's ashamed of herself. Samuel was his son too and in her quest for recovery she'd tunnel visioned her end goal – freedom from the never-ending pain and grief. All she'd accomplished, however, was burying the pain and in so doing burying the knowledge of Jackson's pain too. "I'm so sorry, Jackson," she whispers tears once again streaming down her face. "I…" she starts, not even sure how to continue, what to say.

"Shh, sweetheart, let's just get some sleep, okay? We'll talk some more tomorrow," he reassures while thumbing the tears from her cheeks.

She nods in affirmation, holding tightly onto the hands cupping her cheeks, afraid to release him lest he release her.

Her forlorn expression tugs at his heartstrings and reverting, just temporarily mind you, to uncommunicative lone wolf Jackson Avery behavior he pushes aside his emotions, his anger and pain, for the mind numbing solace of sex. It's almost desperate and neither one of them are gentle, both afraid that if they expressed any other emotion aside from pleasure, the tenuous threads holding their marriage together would unravel. Thrusting frantically into the welcoming receptacle of her body, he's filled with an ominous foreboding, culminating in him switching their positions. She does not let up on the pace he's set but once both achieve their climax she slows her movements to a gentle rocking and it has the bittersweet finality of a farewell. They fall asleep immediately after and in repose their dread of loss ends with them curling up into each other and clinging tightly, fearful of the symbolism of letting go.

He's terribly late the following morning and as April had been scheduled for an even earlier start, her absence that morning raises no red flags. He vaguely recalls a gentle kiss a "Goodbye" and an "I love you, always" which he later reflects would have tipped him off had he been conscious. He's actually quite upbeat and in a much more positive frame of mind – great sex and good food will do that to you he smirks as he hastily gobbles the breakfast April had left for him, his favorites. Apparently letting her feel the brunt of his anger had not been such a bad idea, she was going all out to atone for her past neglect and he could work with that. Perhaps they could look at last night as a re-commitment to their pledge to each other, he reflects as he jogs towards the hospital entrance from the parking lot. The idea is quickly jinxed when it hits him that the previous night had been his mother's wedding night and while he shuddered at the idea of thinking about his mother doing the nasty (even as blasé and nonchalant as she was about the subject, she was still his mother!) he didn't want to have that in common with her and he had a strong suspicion that his and April's first time together in San Francisco mirrored a first time for his mother and Richard Webber too.

He rushes through the ER doors, hoping for a quick glimpse and good-morning kiss from his wife before hieing to the burn unit for his consult, but she was nowhere in the vicinity.

Hunt corners him just before he steps onto the elevator with a seriously toned "Avery, we need to talk."

"Can it wait Hunt? I'm way late for my patient," he replies wondering at the urgency he senses in Owen Hunt's voice.

"Sure, come find me after. But seriously Avery, a heads-up would have been appreciated," Owen continues, confusing Jackson with his words and cool demeanor.

He puts out his hand to halt the elevator door from closing and quirking an eyebrow responds with a confused "What?"

"April's resignation," Owen continue unaware that the news he's imparting is a surprise to Jackson – more of a shock actually. "Effective immediately and without even the professional courtesy of two weeks notice!" he carries on uncharacteristically insensitive to the underlying nuances April's actions and Jackson's reactions are displaying.

"I…I'll come see you as soon as I'm done," Jackson motions, pointing to indicate Hunt in his statement, the slight catch in his voice barely noticeable as he releases the elevator door allowing it to speed upward to his destination floor.

He tries calling April on her mobile as soon as he exits the elevator, breathing a premature sigh of relief as it rings. The ringing continues for a while before it goes to voice mail and Jackson angrily disconnects. He has a patient to see to dammit and apparently a wife to locate.

Walking up to Owen Hunt he motions him towards the empty room that The Grey-Sloan Board has seconded in lieu of having no specified boardroom. Once there he starts pacing between the door and windows. By nature he is a very private person; the only person that knew all of his secrets was April, but this was information that he needed to find out about his missing wife, so pride took a backseat before Chief Hunt. Rubbing his hands agitatedly over his shaved head and then the back of his neck, he resumed his pacing and started his interrogation. "What happened this morning, Hunt? What did she say to you?"

"She asked for a private moment, apologized for her actions and handed me the letter of resignation. She said that she's sorry for leaving the hospital in the lurch but she's unable to work any notice and if necessary the hospital could take the reparation out of her final paycheck," Hunt complied.

"She's going to fucking Jordan right? After everything…" Jackson fumes, so livid he's unable to complete the sentence. Only April, he thinks, has this frightening ability to swing his emotions from pure elation to absolute rage.

"No Jackson," Owen softly answers. "She's given up being a trauma surgeon. She made it abundantly clear that she's eighty-sixed trauma and especially working on the front-lines."

"I don't understand…why is she not answering her phone? I have to go home Hunt, maybe she's there! I have to find out where her minds at," Jackson decides.

Owen's words stop him at the door. "You know why she was so successful in the field and initially at yesterday's trauma situation? She doesn't get to see or treat babies while in combat. Did you notice the distress on her face when that patients new-born was brought to the wreckage yesterday? I think she's suffering from severe PPD combined with losing your baby and…"

"We did not LOSE our son Hunt. He DIED! Our Samuel died!" Jackson interrupts with loud and clear enunciations, clueing Owen Hunt in to the fact that neither of Samuel Avery's parents had completely grieved or healed.

For the first time in his life Jackson shuns his professional responsibilities. With no explanation to interns, attendings, patients or staff he rushes out of the hospital intent on getting home and receiving a rambling explanation from April. He feels her lack of presence the moment he sets foot into their apartment. Dejectedly he hangs his keys on the hook adjacent to the front door, caressing it for a moment as he recalls why the gadget is there to begin with. He walks into their bedroom, opens the closet door and immediately notices the gaps where her clothing hung before. How did he miss noticing the absence that morning? He scurries around looking for any clues, coming up empty and once more tries her phone. Amazingly he hears Alicia Keys 'If I Aint Got You' (a surprising choice from a die-hard Justin Timberlake fan!) the ringtone that she'd chosen especially for him. He locates the phone in the bedside table along with three other items that crush his soul – her wedding band, the post-wedding 'engagement' ring he'd gotten her and a note with two words, 'I'm sorry'.

Although he plans to be there two weeks hence when the plane for Jordan takes off, he seriously doubts that will be April's destination or course of action. He knows that their final argument, his ultimatum really, woke up a part of her that had been in denial for so long. Hunt was right, April hadn't healed. She was however in full flight mode and he had no clue as to her whereabouts. Where the fuck was his wife?