Everyone needs
Summary: In the only place that she is allowed to do so, Tenel Ka grieves. Because everyone needs... OneShot.
Warning: -
Set: Post "Invincible". Spoilers if you haven't read the "Legacy of the Force"-Series
Disclaimer: Standards apply.
We regret to inform you that Jacen Solo, Head of State of the Galactic Alliance, has deceased.
Once single sentence, and the world is enriched by three lies. Tenel Ka, Queen Mother of the Hapes Consortium, going through the daily intelligence reports, found the bulletin right on top of the stack of flimsi plast prints. Her office had the size of the Jedi Meeting Hall on Yavin Four she remembered so well, but it was definitely more luxurious and splendid than the entire Jedi Praxeum had been at the time she had attended it – and ever would be. The two desks of her closest secretaries were stacked wall-high with papers, too, and the hustling and bustling that surrounded her day and night didn't even cease here. But suddenly, it was cold like inside the Temple's stone halls, and the sounds were strangely muted.
We regret to have to inform you. A lie. A lie. Such an obvious lie. No one in the Galactic Confederation – the former Galactic Alliance – would ever regret while thinking of the fact that the last Head of State had passed away. There had been parties on Coruscant, celebrations – masked under the disguise of honoring the war heroes and celebrating the new State. But everyone, including Tenel Ka, knew it was nothing more than veiled relief at the fact that a galaxy had been ridded of a cruel dictator.
Has deceased. Tenel Ka felt hatred bubble up inside her and closed her eyes, taking a deep breath and letting anger and sadness float away from her. Has deceased meant has died peacefully or even has died after a long illness. Has deceased didn't mean had been assassinated by his own kind. By the Jedi. Because Jaina could take on as much blame as she wanted: she had only fulfilled her duty. A duty the Jedi had skirted far too long. If anyone had to be blamed for his wrongdoings, it were the Jedi. If anyone could be accused of not acting fast enough, of not striking hard enough, it was the Jedi. And, as much as she was Hapan, Tenel Ka was a Jedi, as well. It had been their mistake, a collective one, but their mistake nonetheless.
And, finally, Jacen Solo. Jacen Solo had died. Her hands shook and she gripped the paper so tight she wouldn't have wondered if it crumbled to pieces. It merely creased. No. That was it, the greatest lie of all. It hadn't been Jacen Solo they had hunted down, it hadn't been Jacen Solo she had faced in the Mists. It hadn't been Jacen Solo who had attacked his own parents, who had killed his aunt and tortured his own cousin. It hadn't been Jacen Solo who had kidnapped his own daughter. Jacen Solo would never have done anything like that. Who had done it had been Darth Caedus, a Sith Lord. He had been responsible, he was the one to blame. And Darth Caedus hadn't been Jacen.
But there was truth in the report, as well.
Jacen Solo has deceased.
Yes, Jacen had died, but he had done so long ago. He had died when he had been tortured in the embrace of pain, when he had been cut off of all the bonds that made him who he was. Jacen had died when he fought the Yuuzhan Vong and he had died a hero. This man hadn't been Jacen.
Her eyes still fixed on the paper, Tenel Ka saw nothing.
She would have liked to cry, right then and there. But she was unable to, and even if she had been able to do so – she was the Queen. She wasn't allowed to cry, wasn't allowed to show her emotions openly. Never, not at any time of her day. She had to read the reports and sign the new treaty with the Imperial Remnant and had to commission a new fleet and had to keep an eye on all those Generals and royal cousins who wanted her dead. She had to care for Allana though she was sure her baby daughter was safe where she was now. She had to meet foreign ambassadors and diplomats and politicians. She had to control a cluster of worlds that didn't want to be controlled and yet screamed for her to do something, anything. There was no time for grief, neither open nor hidden.
Still, in the only place that she was allowed to do so, Tenel Ka grieved.
Her heart felt so heavy she wondered why she still was able to move. In her heart, she cried tears she knew she never would cry openly, she raged and suffered and blamed herself. In her heart, she knew it was pointless and yet it felt wrong not to do so. Jacen is dead. She could remind herself a thousand times a day this man had not been Jacen, her Jacen. The boy she had loved, the man she had loved, the Jedi Knight who searched for his way, the philosopher who knew there was another way to finding the right path than war. Jacen who had made fun of her being unable to smile, Jacen who had trained with her, Jacen, who had stood by and watched, terrified, as he cut off her arm accidentally. Jacen, who had fought at her side countless times, Jacen, who had given her strength whenever she threatened to fail, Jacen, who, was one of the few men who saw her as Tenel Ka and not as Queen Mother, Jacen, Jacen, Jacen…
She wasn't sure what she thought of him now. What she felt for him now.
Saying he had been dead a long time ago was difficult because their relationship had only begun after the end of the Yuuzhan Vong war. So if he had died then, who had been the man she had loved, kissed, craved? Who was the man who would be Allana's father? With the same passion she had loved him, with the same passion she hated him now. And, at the same time, knew she would never be able to hate him. He was Jacen, after all. How could she actually hate him? It was impossible. It was impossible because whatever she did, she still loved him. She had known there wouldn't be a chance they could be together, her being the Queen Mother of Hapes and him being a Jedi Knight. But for a short period, everything had seemed perfect.
Perfect.
She had felt whole, and loved, and happy – and that was the way it was supposed to be, wasn't it? Because everyone needed love. And friends, and teachers. Everyone needed a home and a family and a wing mate in a fight. Everyone needed people who loved him and needed him and depended on him, who scolded when something was wrong and in whose eyes one could see the pride at knowing him.
Everyone needed other people, and Tenel Ka had needed him.
And Jacen had needed her, maybe a little, and he had needed… He had needed…
"Your Majesty?" A voice sounded next to her and she lifted her head. It felt like it carried the weight of the entire universe.
"The ambassador of Jelzin Three is requesting an audience for tomorrow, Your Majesty. Should I tell him to come back in one month?"
"Yes, yes", she answered distractedly and waved the man away so she could continue to stare on the bulletin before her. The Confederation's emblem was emblazoned across the stiff white parchment the States used only in case of a really important message.
Had Jacen needed anything? He had taken what he wanted in order to throw it away immediately. He had sentenced millions of people to death and had abducted their daughter to force her to withdraw, he had tortured and killed and left a trail of blood and terror on his quest through the galaxy. Jacen had come to her for a short period of time and had left her life again. He had tried to kill his own family. He had succeeded in killing Master Jade Skywalker. He had had everything he wanted and still, he had wanted more. But the things normal people needed – such plain, seemingly trivial things like hope, and friendship, and love – no, Jacen hadn't needed anything of that.
At least, that was what he had believed.
Tenel Ka forced down anguish and grief by reminding herself her pain probably wasn't half as bad as Jaina's or Princess Leia's and Captain Solo's. Yet, it remained, a tight and hollow knot in her chest. The Jedi Queen of Hapes centered her concentration back onto the parchment and read it through until the end. Then, she handed it a secretary. He would copy it, scan it and save it digitally and life would continue. That was what human beings needed: the progress of life. Right now, Tenel Ka didn't really care it. It still hurt too much.
She needed Jacen. Now that he was gone she needed the pain to continue forward. Not in the Sith kind of way, but as a reminder. As remembrance to the man she loved, not to the monster he had become.
Yes, that was it, she realized. That was what Jacen needed, be he a Sith Lord or not. He needed it as much as any other person would need it.
Everyone needed forgiveness.