A/N: Okay, I'm taking a break from Restless Haunting as the next chapter is intense and I can't seem to get it right. And what would you want to change about the characters, hmm?
This is my first, small attempt at light-hearted humour to balance out Restless. I don't hang around fanfiction here alot, so I'm not sure if somebody has already tried something similar.
Nevertheless, apologies if I've offended anyone (especially *coughs* Obama *coughs* and Square Enix supporters) with this crack fic. :P Let me know if it works for you.
Disclaimer: The usual of I don't own any of these characters, SE does, blah blah... don't sue me
The party of six gathered round small clusters of rocks, murmuring in excitement.
"Yay! Alrighty. I've gathered you guys here today to make a petition. To Square Enix!" Vanille nodded excitedly. She did her little dance of punching the air while lifting one of her feet up.
There was an increased level of muttering amongst the group, part in confusion and part in anticipation.
"Vanille honey, what do you wanna petition about?" Fang asked on behalf of everyone.
"Oooh… you know, what we don't like about ourselves! Like why we have to do certain things in the game that we don't wanna! It's not like we get paid to do it…" The redhead's pigtails bobbed in a frenzy as she got carried away in her speech. "We want change! I don't know how, but that's gotta be a way! Everyone, repeat after me, 'YES! We can!'"
"Now, now, little missy, hold on to your horses! You're saying that by submitting this petition, we might get to do things a different way?" Sazh piped up, the chocobo in his afro squeaked in annoyance at his sudden movement.
"Yeah, why not? There's no harm in trying…" Vanille pouted.
"Alright, alright, let's just humour the young girl, since we have nothing to do while the game is on pause. Can everybody just name a few things that you would wanna change?" Fang pushed herself off a boulder and started pacing. "Vanille! Why don't you start?"
"Oh, okay!" The girl began brightly. "Let's see… first of all, can someone please change my voice actress please? Pleeease? She sounds so squeaky and girlish that I'm getting on my own nerves! I mean I like that I'm all sunshine and rainbows, but this voice is really over the top! And do I have to moan and squeal in excitement all the time? It's TIRING!" She complained.
Fang looked a bit stunned. "Vanille, but that's why everyone wants to protect you. 'Cos you're such a whiny little girl!" Vanille pouted. "That's not true! Everyone wants to protect me 'cos I'm cute and adorable, it's nothing to do with my voice. Oh, ohhh! And I want a change of clothes! I think it's ridiculous for me to run around bare-assed all the time!"
Most of the group nodded in agreement. Sazh spoke up next. "Right, so while we are on the topic of change, I want this little bugger out of my hair right now! I think I'm starting to stink…" The chocobo in question squeaked in indignation, fluffed its feathers and flew to seek refuge with Vanille. "Awww… it's okay little one. If the old man doesn't want you, you can stay in my pouch!"
"And does anyone get a feeling that this is a feminine game? I mean I know I don't get enough action as it is. The player always chooses Lightning, Fang and Vanille. The guys just die way too easily." Sazh continued. Sazh raised his hands up in surrender as three pairs of feminine eyes glared daggers at him.
"Well Fang, what would you like to change then? I think you're just fine as you are." Snow offered.
"For once, Trench Coat, you say the sweetest things…" Fang drawled. "I'm fine and all, I just need to change the name of my ultimate attack."
"What's wrong with Highwind?" Hope asked while scratching his head.
"Ab-so-lute-ly nothing, darling. That is, if you want your most kickass attack to sound like the passing of gas. I mean, even Snow has something royal-sounding like Sovereign Fist. Why do I get stuck with such a MUNDANE name like Highwind? Make it 'Your-Royal-Highness-Descending-from-the-Sky' attack, why duncha? And I wanna name change. Fang sounds way badass, but combined with Yun Fang, and I have an Asian name right there. Then I make my dramatic appearance in blue sari robes. AND I have this bloody brilliant western accent. The audience must be sooo confused right there."
Snow punched his fists together and concurred. "The Hero must have a cool sounding ability alright? O-K. If it were up to me, I want to get rid of this Trench Coat. Serah thinks it makes me look like some kind of flasher or pedophile."
Everyone looked at him incredulously. "Man, I thought you woulda wanted more brains to go with your brawn, that kinda thing? No?" Sazh bravely opined. As it turned out, he need not have worried. The barely veiled insult flew right past the blond's head as he looked at Sazh stupidly and mumbled "Why would I want that?"
"Now, we're left with Sunshine and Hope. Sunshine, you go first, since you're the lead character and all."
Everyone turned to look at Lightning now, who had been forgotten as she was leaning quietly against the wall with her arms folded. She looked bored while she checked her perfectly manicured nails. "There's nothing I want to change. I think I'm good." She replied. The group groaned and palmed their foreheads in exasperation.
"Of COURSE she's good. She's the main character for Fal'Cie's sake. Look at her! She's all perfect! The wonderful, PERFECT, pink goddess that we all worship at her feet!" Sazh complained.
Everyone nodded in agreement. Lightning made a "tsk" sound of irritation and spoke up. "I just have a few comments. I don't have enough lines." This earned her quite a resounding "BOO!" from the others. She frowned deeper.
"Sunshine, I think you spoke up the most with your speech to Orphan back there!" Fang pointed out.
"But no one remembers it! Think, do you even recall what I said?" Lightning demanded. "Besides, I'll just bet everyone remembers your 'Yeah, you're great, I'm great, everybody's great!' one-liner! It's unfair that you're just spouting nonsense and everyone remembers you!"
There was an awkward silence. A chocobo's "Kweh!" could be heard in the distance.
"She has a point!" Vanille cried. Lightning turned her infamous glacial eyes at the young girl and said "And I want fewer movements in my Army of One. I don't understand why I have to jump and flip so damn bloody much while SOMEBODY here just stands there and cast Death!"
"Hey! But my attacks only work ten percent of the time!" Vanille objected shrilly.
Hope raised his hand meekly. "I don't want to sound all whiny…" Five pairs of eyes turned to glare at him. He gulped. "Well fine, someone made me whine my way through half the game, I can't help it! Yes, anyway, I want to have more screen time with Vanille. So there will be less fanfics out there for LightningxHope. Light, I love you and all, but you're just too OLD for me."
"Like Vanille isn't, cough, more than five hundred years older, cough…" Fang chimed in.
Vanille turned red in the face to match her hair and her clothes. "Ohhh!" she cried in embarrassment as she raised her palms to cover her mouth. "I didn't know you feel that way!"
Hope had a feeling of déjà vu as Vanille squealed and ran off into the distance. Didn't that happen some time in the game before?
Sazh scratched his afro and crossed one foot behind the other. "Erm, right, so the chairperson of this meeting has run off. Anyone taking minutes? What about the petition?"
The group just looked at each other and dispersed despondently.
And that was the reason why nothing had changed.