A/N: this is a little multi chapter event I had an idea for a few days ago. I'm thinking they'll be a few chapters long, nothing big, but it will involve hillbillies, a banjo, and the fantastic discovery that Jasper not only can play the harmonica but can also quilt like a grandma on a sunday afternoon! LOL. Rosalie goes beserk and takes out her fury on a pair of cops who unwittingly broke her nails- A big no no, and Esme steals some antique kitchen appliances which Carlisle gets blamed for.

So in the end, it's to be quite the adventure!

The Cullens and The

The Shopping Spree From Hell

Chapter One: The Affair Of The Perfect Dress

Alice's POV

Having brothers and husbands that are into sports and fast cars can be very benificial to their wives and sisters. Even better is when such siblings and partners are paired with a very, very generous pair of parental figures. Two people who are very fair, very, very loving, and very, very, very gullable.

And such was Rosalie and my family.

Emmett practically worshipped sports players- any sports players. At one time, he had a complete shrine, no seriously, a shrine to Babe Ruth, complete with every known image of the baseball star- and a few other shots that Emmett had taken himself. Edward might love music, but second best was baseball. He wasn't partial to any player, I personally think its just because he has a decided advantage in the game whenever we play as a family, what with knowing our next movements and such. Plus... he's just damn fast. My own Jasper was into the stratiegic side of sports, but quite frankly, all guys on some level enjoy having their little idols within sports. Even Carlisle watched the super bowl, and was literally jumping up and down with the rest of the boys when the Saints won in 2010. Me, Esme and Rose video taped it and threatened to show the hospital staff as black mail for a new renovation project, a Lambragini and half a million dollars worth of shoes and closet space. What? I like my shoes.

So, while the boys were off doing god knows what- hunting bears or watching hockey or daring each other to eat as much human food as possible without gagging, Me and Rose went down to Kentucky for some shopping.

"This mall is fabulous!" Rose said as we walked in the doors to Fayette mall.

"I know!" I rushed up to the giant map board in the centre of the hall and studied it carefully. "What do we hit first?"

"What is there?" Rosalie came up behind me. No need to shove me out of the way- Rose towered over me like some kind of menacing, beautiful blonde goddess. Me, I was the cute, quirky goddess that everyone adored and thought was cute. The fact that they thought I was cute was most defineately a good thing, considering all the shinanigans I got us into.

"Well, there's Claire's- but that's more for me then you. Let's see... Coach, Leather Hut, N.Y.S II, Rue21, Abacrombie, American Eagle, Gucci, Parada, Dior and an assortment of other designer wears. Nothing too expensive, which is good, considering our last bill."

"Carlisle might as well have bought the mall with your last batch of clothing." Rose said bluntly with a smile on her lips. "What was that bill- two million?"

"For your information, it was only one million, nine hundred and ninety nine thousand. A thousand shy of two mill, Mrs. I-want-the-seven-million-dollar-wedding-dress-for-my-fiftiet-trip-down-the isle!

"Touche, dear sister."

"Oh please!"

Shopping went well, for the most part. Rosalie stocked up on seven inch pumps, me on ballet flats and the like at a shoe store. We wandered into the boutiques and bought anything slightly showy (guess who?) and anything super small and cute (guess who?). Accessories varried from cute purses to expensive earrings, necklaces and things of the like. Rose snagged this beautiful gold diamond choker, and I had to settle for a lovely little emerald, sapphire and Italian silver ring and bangles set.

It was when we sat in the food court 'eating' (as if!) that I saw it.

I sometimes get these little flash visions- you know the kinds. They're focused in on one or two big details, with the rest a bit more blurry. Whether it's because these things are the most important, or because everything else is more varried but somethings are set in stone, I can't tell. All I know is I saw 'seventy-five percent off!' and the cutest dress ever created.

It had a flowing skirt of purple, indego and sky blue, which was hitched up on my right side my a sparkling crystal clip. It was strapless and covers in multilayered ruffles.

I frantically racked my brain for who it would fit. Too big for me, to 'showy' for Esme, and not revealing enough for Rosalie. For a brief moment, I toyed with the idea of dressing Emmett up in it for a gag, but realized it was way too good to waste one my buff brother. And that left only one person.

Bella.

Bella had absolutely refused to come shopping with us. She'd decided to stay home with Esme and work on a wall hanging or something, rather then shop. Seriously, sometimes I wondered how we got along as well as we did. That girl did not understand the benafits of 'retail therapy'.Of course, Jazz said 'retail therapy' was my own personal verison of Crack, Hash and LSD put together, but he bought any pair of cowboy boots he could find, so really, who's got the worse obsession here?

"Oh my god." I said, dropping my shopping bags and grabbing Rose's arm. "we have to get it!'

"Get what?" Rosalie looked worried. I used to get insulted by my family being worried at my visions, but quite frankly, after the entire Bella's-dead-oh-my-god-suicide-romeo-juliet escapade, I would doubt me too.

"Ask questions later." I grabbed a nearby shopping cart and shoved our bags of clothes into it, pushing Rose in after it. She looked ridiculous with her legs out the side of the cart and her blonde curls haphazardly falling into her face. "Now, we shop!"

I should have known then this wouldn't end well.

Rosalie's POV

"See?" Alice said, hoisting up the purple dress again triumphantly as we walked to my BMW. "Won't it be perfect for her?"

"I guess." I answered, shrugging. To tell the truth, it was perfect for Bella. I, however, was not about to admit that she'd almost be as cute as me in that dress. Note the words 'almost' and 'cute'. It didn't say as 'beautiful' as me. No one is as beautiful as me- I'm Rosalie Hale, for God's sake.

Yeah, Bella and I were on better terms thanks to Nessie- but we weren't like, best friends or anything. I still thought she should have stayed human, but I'd gotten over it now as much as I ever would.

"Rose," Alice saw right through my disguise. So what? I might not be able to blush, but I couldn't lie about beauty. If I could, I'd pretend to be modest and get even more guys to like me. Some men find an over confident girl too intimidating- then again, if they knew I could eat their hearts out, literally, I doubt they'd like me either, but whatever. "I know you're lying."

"What's that noise?" I asked, trying to distract her from my obvious lie.

"What noise?" Alice said, her face confused for once.

"That alarm or something. It's from inside the building."

"Oh, I guess someone shop lifted."

"Huh."Since the top was down, I threw my bags in the back and climbed in, not bothering with the door. Alice tried the same, but her legs were too short. Poor thing. But oh well, not everyone can have three foot legs like mine- and perfectly toned to boot! "Oh well, the human's will fix it. Now to important matters!"

We each grabbed a bag of clothes and rumaged through them, going over our percases.

"This dress will look so cute on me!" Alice started.

"These earrings really were a steal."

"This shirt will be adorable with my Gucci belt!"

"These heels will make me even taller then Jasper!"

"this ring! I love it!"

"This shirt is-" I stopped, actually looking at the fabric in my hands and checking the size. "Alice, is this yours?"

"What?"Alice looked at the shirt. "Ah, no. Why?"

"Because I didn't pick it out either. And the price tag says its-" I nearly choked it was so much. And that's saying a lot, because I think nothing of dropping at least twenty thousand on a headband I'll only wear once.

"Good god!" Alice finished for me when she saw the tag her self.

"I know!"

"Who would buy this thing?" Alice looked outraged, her little head shaking in disbelief. "I mean, what colour is this- mauve? And horizontal stripes and poka dots on the same piece of clothing is a total no."

"No, wait Alice," I rested a hand on her shoulder, attempting to calm her fury. "I mean the price. And what's more, the security alarm, isn't it usually removed when you buy something?"

Alice gasped, for once in her life surprised.

"You mean-" she started.

"You think..." Just then, about five police cars pulled up to the mall, and a couple pushing a shopping cart rushed out of the mall and passed us in a fury.

"There they are!" a store owner said, pointing a finger at me and Alice accusingly. The police turned their stares on us, and I panicked.

What should one do, when they might be a criminal? Do they turn themselves in? Repent? Attempt to right your wrongs, make up for it all, repay karma?

That's all fine and well for people with consences, but for me, I didn't care. I slammed my fine inch, Prada heeled size eight foot down on that gas petal so fast, you couldn't say 'New York Fries' before we were barrelling through the parking lot at top speed.

Alice, who had toppled over backwards into the back seat while I drove like a strunt double in 'The Fast And The Furious', scrambled up into her seat with a look similar to a crazed, worried chipmunk.

"What are you on?" She demanded, her words being lost in the gusting wind.

"Do you really want to be taken in by the fuzz for one outrageously priced shirt that looks like elephant barf and wale skin combined?" I yelled back, letting out a little scream as we crashed through a construction barrier on our way to the highway.

"Alright," Alice gulped. "Maybe that's not really now I planned on spending my afternoon, but really, we shouldn't speed."

"Yeah!' I snorted, "Like that was a concern last month when you were late for the Gucci fashion show!"

"Gucci is Gucci! The Police are the police!"

"Coming from Miss Lets-Rip-The-Casinos-Off-When-We-Go-To-Vegas!"

"Yes, and you're one to talk, Madame I'll-Kill-You-If-You-Trash-My-Wedding-Dress-That-I-Bought-Of-The-Black-Market!"

"Who turns down a dress worn by the last Empress of Russia?"

"Who in their right mind attempts to outrun the police?"

"PULL THE VEHICLE OVER OR WE SHOOT!" boomed a voice behind us, and we both shrieked.

"What do we do now?" I asked Alice.

"How should I know?""

"Well, this would be a great time for one of the legendary Alice Cullen escape plans!"

"Oh, why don't you go and flash the cops, Miss Beauty queen!"

"If I did, they'd loose control of the car."

"Alright alright alright!" Alice said, closing her eyes and searching the future. Or she could be praying, how could I tell? All I knew was that she was clutching that purple dress like it was a life raft and she was on the SS Titanic going down.

"Hurry up and find your crystal ball, baby!" I demanded, and a shot rang out from the police behind us.

Alice screamed, and I was outraged.

"Are they trying to kill someone?" she asked.

"They trashed my paint job!" I screamed.

"Yes, as if that's our most prominent worry!"

"You're one to talk! You got a way out of this yet?"

"Yeah yeah yeah! Turn off in a few feet, closed down, but I doubt you mind crashing a few barriers."

"When is it?"

"I'll point it out."

"WE REPEAT AGAIN, PULL OVER THE VEHICLE!"

They fired an other shot, and we both screamed and ducked.

"My Dior!" Alice moaned.

"My nails!" I screamed. Three out of the ten were broken.

Now this was personal. You can mess with my paint job, you can call me a criminal, but never, I repeat, NEVER BREAK MY NAILS!

"Turn off now!" Alice demanded, and I turned the wheel harshly.

"Eat my dust, you yellow bellied pigs!" I said.

And then...

The car was air born.