I'm just so tired. The past few weeks have been so much work to get through, especially without Russia there to help me through. While Russia was dealing with some political business, I was stuck here. He needs to come home soon…
I lay in bed, not wanting to move. I just don't have the energy anymore. I'm getting old, I need more rest than what I've been getting the past few weeks. There have been meetings every single day and the work has been piling up. I don't know if I can handle much more…
On top of that, Russia still isn't back from that meeting. He had said it would take some time to resolve whatever issues they were having, but I didn't think it would take this long. It's been over a month since I last saw him…
Maybe he's… not going to come back…
No! That can't be right. He'll come back for me, he has to. There's no way he would leave me. Absolutely no way.
I groan lightly and roll out of my warm bed. I put on my slippers and wander to the kitchen tiredly. This is the first couple of hours I have to myself, other than when I was sleeping, that I've had in more than a month. I yawn and start making some tea.
It's too quiet here. It's been quiet before, yes, but not like this. It's silent. Absolutely dead silent other than my own soft breathing. Normally Russia is right behind me, the soft beat of his heart in his chest pressed against me. The sound of his breathing blowing against my hair. His childish laugh whenever I would trip or drop something or make some silly mistake.
I sigh and lean against the counter. I miss him. I really miss him a lot. He needs to hurry up and come home. The same thought that's been weighing on my mind resurfaces again: what if he doesn't want to come back? What if he's found someone more important than me and he's leaving me?
There's a sudden knot in the pit of my stomach as I realize that might have happened. What if he really did leave for good? Am I alone now? Do I have to deal with everything alone from now on? My heart beats faster and I have to use the counter top as support.
I can't deal with this right now, I just can't handle it. How could he possibly do that to me? Why would he just leave me? Especially when I'm in the state I'm in now, I need him now more than ever… and yet he is not here. The start of tears form in my eyes. This can't be happening right now… I need him here. I just can't make it through another day like this.
I begin to sob quietly into my sleeves. I start talking to the empty house and the still air. "You can't just leave me… Y-you can't… I need you here… I n-need you… Please… Come home, Russia… I miss you… I don't want you to leave me…"
I continue like that for some time before my tea is ready. I attempt to wipe my eyes and I pour myself a cup of tea, taking a long sip of the warm liquid. I need to sleep. I walk back to my room, barely lifting my feet off of the floor. I take another drink of my tea. I'd expect the drink to warm me up, but it does nothing against the empty feeling in my chest.
I set the cup on my bedside table and crawl back into bed, my slippers falling to the floor. My pet panda lifts its head up from where it lays, curled up at the end of my bed. It waddles over to me, sniffing my head gently as I bury my face in the pillow.
I can't handle this right now, I really can't… There is too much work to be done, I shouldn't be laying here. I need to get up and forget about him for now. I need to just push him out of my thoughts and get some work done. But… working is so hard and tiresome… And I'm tired enough already. Besides, what's the point of any of that if Russia doesn't come back? He's not going to come back, so there's no point in even getting up…
I realize how much I really do need that childish sadistic man… I miss him so much and he's become such a regular and large part of my life that I don't seem to be able to function very well without him… I feel so alone…
I guess this is what Russia used to talk about when he was feeling lonely. He would call me over to his house and thank me for helping him not feel so alone. I suppose I know that feeling now… I feel so cold and empty and utterly and completely alone…
I close my dark amber colored eyes. I just need to sleep. I just need to get a good night's sleep and I won't be alone anymore… I can dream all I want and I won't be alone… In my dreams, Russia is right there beside me. He's with me every moment, like I wish it way now… That's how it should be…
I drift off into sleep, dreams coloring my mind. I'm alone though. Russia? I think, looking around. Where did you go…?
I stand alone in the snow. It lashes me in the face, stinging my cheeks. I try to squint to see through the whiteness but it doesn't work. The cold stiffens my weak, old muscles. Looking around becomes more work. Everything becomes harder and more laborious.
With every breath and blink, I feel myself become weaker and weaker until there's nothing left of me. I'm just a body. I crumble up into a ball and fall to the ground, my face burying itself in deep snow. I can't do this anymore… Maybe it'd be better if I just don't wake up…
"Yao!" I hear a faint voice call. I try to locate it but I give up quickly. There's just too much effort put into it. I hear the voice again calling for me. I slowly lift my head up and the light is just too blinding to see anything.
I blink a couple times and I'm back in my bed, someone standing very close next to me. It takes a moment or two for my eyes to adjust but the instant they do, I recognize those purple eyes gazing at me.
"Yao, you're awake! I was so worried!" Russia gathers me in his arms gently and hugs my small frame.
"You… you came back?" Despite asking the question, I bury my face into his coat, taking in his scent.
"Of course I came back! Why would I not?" He asks, confused.
"Don't worry about it, aru… It's nothing of concern." I wrap my arms around his large muscular body. "I've missed you…"
"I missed you more… I'm sorry it took so long for me to come home, there were more problems than anticipated and Belarus started chasing me again…"
"It's ok, as long as you're here now and you're not going to leave me again…"
"I won't…" He pulls me away from him for a moment. "Are you ok, Yao? You were screaming and crying a moment ago."
"I had a bad dream, that's all. Just a very bad dream." I smile and wipe my eyes. "It's nothing to worry about, aru…" He holds me in his arms again, kissing the top of my head.
"The past few weeks weren't too hard on you, da?" He asks.
I decide not to worry him with the details. "It was ok… It was just very quiet, aru…"
"It was quiet without you too. That's why I'm never going to leave your side again!" He says cheerfully.
"I wish that were possible, aru."
"It can be if I want it to. And that's what I want."
"Whatever you say, aru…"
"And Yao?"
"Hmm?"
"I love you. I'm never going to leave you for anything at all." He plays with my hair.
"I love you too, Ivan…"