Butt Monkeys of Duel Monsters
Disclaimer: All Yu-Gi-Oh! characters are owned by Kazuki Takahashi.
Rex Raptor and Weevil Underwood were spying on Yugi Muto from a tree close to the window of his room of the Game Shop. Rex was peering in the window with binoculars. He could see Yugi sitting at his desk doing some homework.
"All right, Rex. As soon as Yugi's gone, we'll sneak into his room and steal those Egyptian God cards," said Weevil.
Meanwhile, Yugi had just finished his homework and was about to go for a walk around the block to get some fresh air. When he got to the first floor of the Game Shop where all the cards were displayed he saw his good friend Tea Gardner.
"Hey Tea! What's up?"
"I forgot to bring my keys to my house so I can't get in until my parents get home. And I have a ballet recital in an hour. Is it all right if I use your room to change into my dance clothes?"
"Well sure thing, Tea. Anything for a friend."
"All right. Yugi's gone. Now's our chance to break in," said Rex. They were about to move further along the branch closer to Yugi's room, but then they saw another person come in.
"Oh nuts! It's Yugi's annoying friend, Tea. Why do their friends always have to ruin our plans for revenge?" cried Rex in frustration.
"Let's just wait until she leaves. Then we can steal those God cards so they can be in the hands of a duelist who truly deserves them," Weevil chuckled evilly.
"You mean me, right?" asked Rex.
Just at that moment Rex happened to see Tea Gardner taking off her shirt and bra revealing her large round breasts. He grinned happily, liking what he saw. "Hey! Hey! Check out the nice pair of melons on Tea!" said Rex.
"Let me see." Weevil took the binoculars from Rex and looked in the window. "Whoa!" Weevil and Rex had always thought of Tea as a dorky, annoying girl always giving lame friendship speeches. But what they saw before them was a woman of exquisite beauty with her full breasts, sexy legs and nice butt.
"Give me back the binoculars."
"I'm still looking."
"You've been looking at her naked for long enough. Now it's my turn to look again," Rex demanded angrily.
"Well if it weren't for my brilliant idea that we should steal Yugi's God cards you would never have gotten to see her naked in the first place. So I say I get to look for as long as I want."
"Give me the binoculars, Weevil!" demanded Rex. Rex tried to pry the binoculars from Weevil, but Weevil had a tight grip.
Then something made them freeze. "Hey, what's goin' on up there?" they heard a guy with a Brooklyn accent say.
"Keep perfectly still and quiet, and we won't get caught," Weevil whispered to Rex.
"I know someone's up there," the guy with the Brooklyn accent continued to yell.
Then Rex lost his footing on the branch. He tried to regain his footing by grabbing Weevil, but instead he made Weevil lose his footing as well. They fell out of the tree and landed on the sidewalk with a loud thud. Then they saw the guy with the Brooklyn accent towering over them. It was Joey Wheeler who was with his good buddy Tristan Taylor. Joey grabbed both of them by their collars.
"Uh-oh!" they both said in unison while kicking their legs in the air.
"I heard every word you two creeps said. About how you're looking at Tea naked and planning to steal Yugi's God cards. I could get you two in a lot of trouble for this," said Joey.
"Please show us mercy!" begged Weevil.
"We swear we'll never do it again," pleaded Rex.
"I don't trust these two goons," said Tristan. "I say we bring them to Tea and see what she thinks."
"Good idea, Tristan."
"Bye-bye, Mr. Muto. Tell Yugi I said thanks for letting me use his room to change," said Tea as she was walking out the door.
"I sure will. Have fun at ballet recital," said Grandpa Muto.
As soon as Tea headed out the door she saw Joey and Tristan standing right in her path. "Hey you two!" Then she became puzzled when she noticed Joey holding Rex and Weevil by their collars. "Joey, just leave them alone. Why do you have to pick on those two guys anyway?"
"Because I overheard these two wannabe duelists talking about stealing Yugi's God cards. And they were spying on you while you were naked."
"What!" Tea grabbed Weevil and Rex from Joey holding them by their collars. "You two were spying on me while I was changing in Yugi's room!" she demanded to know angrily, her face turning red. Weevil and Rex were squirming now. Just at that moment, Yugi returned from his walk.
"Hey guys," said Yugi. "What are those two doing here?"
"They were spying on me while I was changing in your room! And they were trying to steal your God cards," Tea informed Yugi.
"I say we beat the crud out of them," suggested Tristan. "That'll teach them a lesson."
"Normally, I don't condone violence. But this time nothing would make me happier," said Tea as she cracked her knuckles.
"Hold on. Beating up these two guys isn't the answer," interrupted Yugi. "Here's what I propose. Joey and I will face Weevil and Rex in a tag team duel. Each player will start with 4000 life points. You must make both team members life points fall to 0. If Rex and Weevil win, then they're free to go. However, if Joey and I win, then they will be forced to give up their entire decks."
"Sweet! This will be our chance for revenge for Duelist Kingdom," said Rex.
"And for the time we both lost to them when we played the Seal of Orichalcos," added Weevil.
"Wait! I have an even better idea," interrupted Tea. "Why don't you let me duel these two creeps?"
Everyone's head jerked towards Tea.
"Huh?" asked Tristan.
"Did I hear Tea right?" asked Joey.
"Are you sure you want to do this?" asked Yugi. "You're very inexperienced. And you have to be at your dance recital in less than an hour. I don't think this is such a good idea."
"Are you kidding me? These two dorks couldn't duel their way out of a paper bag. I think I can take 'em down pretty easily."
"Hey remember when these two lost to Zigfried in one move? Now that was funny," Joey said. Everyone laughed at the two duelists. "I bet they won't even make past one turn against Tea." Both Weevil and Rex became furious, their faces turning red.
"Dueling a chump like Tea will be a piece of cake," Rex asserted furiously. "If anyone's going down in a single move it'll be her."
"Besides, we only lost to Zigfried in a single move because he got lucky with a good opening hand," added Weevil.
"Yeah, sure guys," said Yugi. "Now here's how it'll work. Rex and Weevil will both start with 4000 life points while Tea will start with 8000."
"Actually, I think I can take 'em both down with just 4000. And to make their defeat even more humiliating, I won't even put any monsters in my deck with more than four stars."
Rex and Weevil grinned happily. Their opponent was an amateur. She would be starting with 4000 life points instead of 8000. And she wouldn't even be using any powerful monsters in her deck. This would surely be a walk in the park for them.
"Okay. Fine. Everyone starts with 4000 life points. First Weevil will go. Then Rex. And then Tea." After Yugi finished explaining how the tag team would work, the three duelists took their positions.
"Time to duel!" all three duelists shouted.
A few people happened to be walking by and noticed a duel about to take place so they decided to watch.
Each duelist started out holding 5 cards. Weevil drew one more. "For my first move, I'll summon Pinch Hopper (ATK 1000, DEF 1200) to the field. Next I will activate the magic card Eradicating Aerosol, sending my Pinch Hopper to the Graveyard." An insect resembling a grasshopper appeared on the field but immediately disappeared when a giant can sprayed mist all over it.
"When my Pinch Hopper is sent to the Graveyard, I'm allowed to special summon any Insect-Type monster from my hand. And I choose the mightiest of them all, my Insect Queen (ATK 2200, DEF 2400) in Attack Mode." A massive insect with the body of a lady bug, the head of a woman and razor-sharp teeth appeared on the field.
"Now that my partner is done, it's my turn. I summon my Two-Headed King Rex (ATK 1600, DEF 1200) in Attack Mode." A purple dinosaur with two heads emerged on the field and let out a ferocious growl. "Then I'll place one card facedown and end my turn."
Tea took a deep breath and drew a card from her deck.
"Hold it right there, Tea," said Rex. I activate my facedown card, Royal Decree."
"Excellent move, Rex. With Royal Decree in play all your traps are useless. You were a fool to accept this challenge, Tea," said Weevil. "With your trap cards useless and the fact that you only have level 4 and below monsters, there's no way you can beat expert duelists like us."
Rex and Weevil started jumping up in the air, thinking they had won the duel and gotten off the hook so easily.
But Tea merely smiled when she looked at her hand. "You guys are in for a big surprise because I've already won this duel. And all I had to do was draw this single card from my deck."
When Rex and Weevil saw Tea's confident look they both became worried.
"It's gotta be bluffing," said Rex wildly waving his finger while pointing it at Tea.
"My partner is right. There's no way you could've beaten us in just one move unless you have those annoying Valkyries that Zigfried used."
"It's no bluff as you will soon see." Then Tea held her arms up in the air. "Exodia! Obliterate!" she shouted.
A giant crest appeared with a monster wrapped in chains coming out of it. The giant creature charged up an energy ball, swung back his right fist and fired it right at Rex and Weevil. Their life points fell to 0.
"We lost," said Weevil. "But how?"
"It's simple," said Tea. "When we each drew our first five cards, I already happened to be holding four of the five pieces of Exodia. When I drew my next card it happened to be the fifth piece of Exodia."
"Ha! Ha! Can you believe I predicted it? I told you Tea could beat them in just one move."
Tea looked around and noticed that she had drawn a crowd.
"Man that girl's amazing. She summoned Exodia on her first turn," one spectator commented.
"She's clearly a lot better than those two chumps."
"Man you guys stink at this game," Tristan said to the two losers.
"No fair! No fair!" cried Weevil as he jumped up and down stomping on the ground. "How could she get so lucky?"
"It was fair. Now hand over your cards," said Joey. Joey tried to take the cards away from them, but Tea stopped him.
"Wait a minute! That was too easy. I want a rematch with these two. One-on-one," said Tea. "If at least one of you can defeat me then you're both free to go. But if I beat both of you then you must both give up your entire decks."
"Huh? You're giving them a chance to redeem themselves? But why?" asked Joey.
"Because I think it'll be fun to humiliate these dorks again." Then Tea turned her head toward Rex and Weevil. "So which one of you wants to go first?"
"I'll go first," said Rex.
Little does Tea know that I'll be using a deck that's different from my dino deck. Sure dinos are my specialty, but I have skills using other monsters as well. With my new deck there's no way she'll beat me a second time.
"Both of you will start with 4000 life points. All right, duelists take your positions," said Yugi.
Rex and Tea took their positions.
"Time to duel," they both shouted.
Both Tea and Rex held out their first five cards. Rex drew another card.
"For my first move I'll discard one card from my hand in order to Special Summon a monster known as the Tricky (ATK 2000, DEF 1200)." A creature resembling a jester in a yellow outfit with question marks on its face and chest emerged onto the field.
"But wait! There's more. Next, I sacrifice my Tricky to bring out an even more powerful creature. Say hello to my Great Maju Garzett (ATK , DEF 0)." As soon as the Tricky materialized a giant ugly monster that was a mixture of bone, muscle, and hair took its place. "The attack points of my Great Maju Garzett are double the attack points of the monster that was tributed to summon it. And since my Tricky had 2000 attack points, my Great Maju Garzett has 4000 attack points."
Joey had a look of panic in his eyes. "Man, in just one move Rex has already summoned a monster with 4000 attack points," said Joey. "I think Tea's in trouble."
"I don't know. Tea doesn't seem so worried," Yugi responded.
"Oh and to ensure that you can't summon Exodia on your opening move I'll activate the magic card Force of Four which means you are only allowed to hold four cards in your hand. So you can forget about beating me in a single move again. Next I'll activate the magic card Swords of Revealing Light."
Swords fell from the sky around Tea.
"I doubt a chump like you could manage to summon a monster with more than 4000 attack points, but just in case my Swords of Revealing Light will prevent you from attacking for three whole turns. Finally, I'll set one card facedown and end my turn."
Tea drew her first card but was forced to discard two because of the Force of Four card.
"Hold it right there, Tea. I activate my facedown card. It's the trap card I played last time, Royal Decree. That's right. Not only are all your traps now useless, but you won't be able to summon Exodia either. It looks like you just got lucky when you dueled both of us at once. But you can forget about any dumb luck saving you this time. On my next turn, my Great Maju Garzett will clobber you."
But Tea simply yawned. "Well I don't have any monsters I can summon to defend my life points. And I'm only holding four cards…luckily one of them happens to be the spell card Rebellion!"
"Oh no! That means my own Great Maju Garzett will attack me directly!"
And indeed Tea activated her magic card. The Great Maju Garzett turned its body around toward its master Rex and delivered a blow to his stomach, reducing his life points to 0.
The crowd cheered as Tea took down Rex in just one move.
"Oh man!" moped Rex. "I wish I hadn't summoned such a powerful monster on my opening move. Then I'd still be in this duel."
"It looks like you couldn't even make past one turn against me," said Tea. "Let's see if Weevil has a better chance."
"All right, Tea! You asked for it!" Weevil said frustrated that such an amateur was dueling circles around them.
"This time, I'll go first," said Tea. "And don't worry. I won't put any pieces of Exodia in my deck so I won't summon Exodia on my opening move. Do you have your deck ready?"
Weevil took out a new deck from his pocket. I too will be using a completely different deck. She won't be prepared for what I'm about to throw at her. Then I'll be able to expose her for the chump she truly is. "I'm ready."
"Time to duel," they both yelled drawing their first five cards.
Tea drew her first card. "For my opening move I'll place one card facedown and end my turn."
"That's all you got? How sad," Weevil laughed maniacally. When Weevil drew his first card and looked at his opening hand a huge grin formed on his face. "Now it's time for me to prove that your two victories were nothing more than giant flukes. First I'll activate the magic card Dark Magic Curtain to Special Summon my Dark Magician (ATK 2500, DEF 2100) in Attack Mode." Weevil's life points dropped from 4000 to 2000. A Dark Magician clad in red clothing resembling the one Arkana had used appeared on the field.
"The Dark Magician?" cried Yugi. "Where did he get such a card?"
"It's simple," Weevil replied. "When Rex and I were working for Dartz, I swiped some cards from his collection. One of them was the Dark Magician."
Weevil turned his attention back to Tea. "Now I activate the spell card Negative Energy which doubles the original attack points of all face-up Dark Attribute monsters on the field." An electric charge surged through the Dark Magician as its attack points rose from 2500 to 5000.
"5000 attack points!" cried Joey. "I think Tea's a goner."
"I don't know," said Yugi. "Tea looks pretty calm. I'd say the secret lies in that facedown card of hers."
"And now to take care of that facedown card of yours. Knowing how much of a chump you truly are, I'd say that facedown card is a simple Mirror Force trap card. So I'll get rid of it with my Mystical Space Typhoon. And then I'll be able to attack you directly and win the duel. Say goodbye to your facedown card." A small tornado started spinning toward the facedown card. But then Weevil became worried when he heard Tea chuckle and saw a huge smirk across her face.
"That's exactly what I wanted you to do," said Tea as her facedown card flipped face-up and the tornado vanished.
"That's not Mirror Force!" cried a horrified Weevil.
"No. My facedown card was Judgment of Anubis. By discarding one card from my hand I can destroy one face-up monster on the field and inflict damage to your life points equal to that monster's attack points."
"But I only have 2000 life points left," cried Weevil.
"Exactly." Tea discarded a card from her hand.
"Ahhh!" Weevil cried as the Dark Magician exploded and Weevil's life points fell to 0.
Tea saw that she had drawn quite a crowd with the way she had thoroughly humiliated Rex Raptor and Weevil Underwood.
"Wow! That girl was amazing. She beat them three times in a row in just one move!"
"And she's hot too!"
"Hey aren't those the two former Duel Monsters regional champs Weevil Underwood and Rex Raptor?"
"I think you're right. What a joke they've become." Everyone who watched Tea duel began to laugh at them. They tried to walk away from the crowd, but then Joey stopped them.
"And where do you think you two are going?" asked Joey. "You two aren't going anywhere until you hand over your entire decks to me." Weevil and Rex reluctantly handed over their decks to Joey. "That's what you get for spying on Tea naked and trying to take Yugi's God cards."
"Well I have to go to ballet recital. See ya guys later," shouted Tea.
"Wait! Can we have your autograph before you go? Please! That was amazing the way you thoroughly trounced those two."
Tea looked at her watch and saw that she still had 45 minutes until her recital. "Well I guess I have time to sign a few autographs. Come on everyone. Get in line if you want my autograph." Quite a few people got in line for Tea's autograph. Today was a great day for Tea Gardner.
(Author's note: There was something really important I forgot to mention when I first published this. There are some major differences between the way certain cards work on the show and the way they work on yugiohwikia. When I write duels if there is such a difference, then the way it works on the show will usually take precedence over the way it works on yugiohwikia. For example, in the show Card of Sanctity allows both players to draw until each duelist is holding 6 cards. On yugiohwikia the way this card works is completely different.)
Updated 9/29/2011: When I first wrote this I made a mistake with the trap cards. A trap card must first be set and cannot be activated until a turn or more later. The reason I made this mistake is as follows. I had been to yugiohwikia several times before submitting this. However, I had never seen the particular page that mentioned this rule. Also in the show I saw several instances of a player activating a card from his or her hand. It wasn't until someone mentioned the trap card rule that I realized all of those must have been magic cards and not trap cards. This mistake has now been fixed. So Lena, if you're reading this, thank you very much. Your review was very helpful.
Also I had to eliminate the first duel when Tea used Ring of Destruction on Weevil's Insect Queen for two reasons. Firstly, Tea would not have been able to use Ring of Destruction right away. She would have had to set it facedown first and then activate it on her next turn. Secondly, this trap card would only have affected Weevil's life points and not Rex Raptor's, I think.
Edited again on 11/13/2011: I came across something else. Apparently a duelist cannot discard cards from his hand unless it is due to an effect. I previously thought you could because I remember the Pharaoh discarded Swift Gaia the Fierce Knight in his ritual duel with Yugi. But when I watched the episode again I saw that it was the effect of the Tricky that allowed him to discard Gaia. I also had to change Tea's one-on-one match up with Rex Raptor because there was a mistake I made with Rebellion.
Updated on 6/18/2012: I decided to change Tea's one-on-one match up with Weevil Underwood. I felt she was overly skilled in the duel I had written previously, and I think that the duel I have written now more accurately reflects her level of dueling skill. This will be the LAST change made to this story.
And finally, I'd like to address some of the points made by the reviewers.
wiki/Main_Page
Learn how the game is played before you try to write it.
Reviews like this are not a helpful to me at all. For one I had already been to yugiohwikia several times before writing this. Contrary to what a few reviewers thought, I actually did research the game before writing this story. If I made any mistakes when I first wrote this it was because something never came up when I researched it and not because I didn't do the research. Secondly, there are hundreds of pages on yugiohwikia. How am I supposed to know which particular page to look at? If you see a mistake in a duel, BE SPECIFIC. I would never have figured out what I had done wrong by simply going back to yugiohwikia. Asking me to refer back to a website I've already been to several times without telling me which specific page to look at won't help me pinpoint any mistakes I might have made in the duels.
By not researching the actual rules of the game, and by not acknowledging that whatever their personalities are like, Weevil and Rex are actually skilled duelists, it makes Tea's wins look cheap and contrived.
I do not consider Tea's wins cheap and contrived because these are things that can actually happen in the game. Also, as I stated before, I did in fact research the rules of the game.
Stripping them of their skill just to mock them is a form of character bashing, just as granting Tea skills far beyond what she has is character glorification.
Actually, the idea of this story was to have Rex and Weevil make incredible opening moves, making it seem like it would be impossible for Tea to win, and then have Tea do something really simple to win. In other words, the idea was to have Tea win without making her overly skilled or taking away the skills of Rex Raptor and Weevil Underwood.
Also, there's a big difference between character bashing and an author making someone the butt of jokes purely for the sake of good fun. Many movies and TV shows have a character who is often the butt of jokes. Examples of butt monkeys include Squeak Scholarri in BASEketball, Captain Harris from Police Academy, Harry and Marv from Home Alone, Meg from Family Guy, Tom from Tom & Jerry, the coyote from Looney Tunes, and Pip from South Park. The writers of these shows and movies make these characters the butt of jokes purely for the sake of being funny. Character bashing is when the author has bad things happen to a character for no reason other than to express his extreme disgust for the character. And for the record, I don't dislike Rex and Weevil. In fact many of my favorite moments from the show are when these two guys show up. If I were making Rex and Weevil look bad purely for the sake of showing my disgust for them, then yes it would be character bashing. But that's not what I'm doing. It is being done purely for the sake of humor and nothing more. Thus, I cannot agree with your claim that it's a form of character bashing.
You did notice, I presume, that both Rex and Weevil gave Yugi and Joey very difficult duels more than once. Someone like Tea, who hardly duels at all, would not be able to beat them that easily.
Yes, I understand that. However, if I had written it so that Rex and Weevil took her down easily or were more competitive, then I'd be taking away the very thing that makes the story funny.
It's not very funny because it's not her being more skilled, it's the author saying "this is happening because I said it is happening". The Author Said So is a very bad move. It reeks of laziness.
Not really, actually. It is not happening because I said it's happening. It's happening because these are things that actually can happen in the game. Interestingly enough, my main reason for writing this wasn't because I wanted to make Rex and Weevil look bad or make Tea look good. I wrote it because I thought it would be neat to show that even if your opponent put you in a tough spot, you could still do something simple to win the duel. I also had fun coming up with possible ways a player could win in a single move. Some of the things that I had Tea do would only work in specific circumstances, but they are things that actually can happen in the game based on the rules I'm following. Also contrary to your assertion that I'm being lazy, I actually put a lot of effort into writing the duels. First I had to make it seem like it would be nearly impossible for Tea to win. Then I had to figure out how she could get out of that situation in just one move. I had to watch several episodes, look up some of the cards on yugiohwikia, and use some of my own creative thinking. In particular, when I wrote the one-on-one match between her and Rex I had to come up with a way for Rex to summon a monster with at least 4000 attack points so Tea could end the duel by activating Rebellion on her first turn. Another thing I wanted to do was to not have Tea do the same thing to win each time.
You even ignored the rules of the game in order to humiliate them.
If there are any mistakes in the duels then by all means point them out. But keep in mind that if I have made mistakes, it's not because I didn't do the research nor is it because I chose to ignore the rules.