A/N: All right, so, this a very happy birthday story for the dear Katieepotter! Drop on by and give her a line and a happy wish. She won't bite you for it, I promise. This fic will take a bit of explaining for anyone other than her to understand. Our friendship began over an obsession with Remus and Sirius. We decided that since said obsession was so great, we needed our own mental ward. Over time, that ward has grown to include a massive amount of people and fictional characters which I will not go into and explain at this time. When Katie told me the type of story she wanted, she first said she wanted to see her and I meeting all of our obsessions. This later changed to just Sirius and Remus when I apologised and told her I was barely skilled enough to write the pups, let alone the Phantom (from Phantom of the Opera), Angel (from Buffy), Jack Sparrow (from Pirates of the Caribbean), or the Doctor (from Doctor Who). Anyhow, though, now we have a stupid, confusing little story depicting what it would be like should Katie and I ever be thrown into that ward (which we sincerely hope to be!) and were to ever meet our darling puppies! I hope you enjoy it, dear, as well as everyone else who reads this and forever dubs me as 'that crazy Heart of Spellz' after this. Happy Birthday, Katie!
To Melt the Sanity Away
"Remus, where the hell are we?" Sirius demanded and Remus sighed for the sixth consecutive time.
"I don't know, Sirius," he said, his patience with the other man quickly waning. "Exactly the same way I didn't know when you asked me fifteen seconds ago!"
Sirius huffed. "Damn it, Remus, do you see?" he asked moodily. "This is why I never let you do the Apparating. We always end up lost."
"The same thing happens when it's left to you," Remus scoffed. "Generally because you're too pissed to see straight."
"Oi!" Sirius protested. "I resent that comment!"
"You resent everything," Remus muttered, waving the man off as he studied a plain white door. Sirius frowned and pouted, but Remus ignored him. "It looks like we're in a hospital of some sort."
"Well, we better figure it out soon," Sirius warned. "Lily will skin us alive if we miss her son's third birthday. And then I'll skin you alive for making me miss my godson's birthday."
"Why is it always my fault?" Remus asked in irritation as he turned away from the door and glared at Sirius.
Sirius glared back. "Because it is," he stated sourly.
"Your logic is genius," Remus snorted as he walked down the corridor. "Simply infallible. There's no arguing with it."
Sirius scowled and opened his mouth to retort, but Remus held up a hand to stop him. "Look at this," he said, motioning to a door. There was a small black sign hanging from it with even smaller white letters spread across the surface.
Puppies/Opera Ghosts/Vampires/Silly Pirates/ Time-Traveling Doctors/Disney Characters/Life Guards
"Er…" Sirius said intelligently. "Well, that's, erm…not something you see every day."
"No, it really isn't," Remus murmured in agreement, cocking his head to the side as he studied the door.
"What d'you think it means?" Sirius asked quietly.
Remus shrugged. "Only one way to find out," he said as he grabbed the doorknob and twisted it. He stepped through the door and glanced around curiously. He immediately froze and Sirius ran into his back.
"Ow, Moony, what the –?" Sirius began to complain, but cut himself off when he saw what had given Remus pause. "Oh, er…hullo…"
Remus stared at the two women who were sitting in the middle of the white tile floor, gazing back at the two men in surprise. They both sported brown hair and curious eyes, their bodies dressed in plain white, loose-fitting clothing. In each of their hands they clutched two different stuffed animals. One was a light-coloured brown wolf and the other was a shaggy black dog. Remus had to admit that he was a bit amused at the irony.
"Er…sorry," Remus apologised, his gaze switching from the girls to the toys and back again, "we didn't mean to intrude, but we're a bit lost."
The one holding the stuffed wolf stood, a delighted look on her face, and said, "Oh, we'll help you. We don't get many visitors in here, so maybe you'll come back?"
Sirius shrugged. "Why not? Seems nice enough," he said, glancing around the white walls decorated with drawings and posters. His eyes focused on many depicting two canines. "You two like dogs, don't you?" He looked vaguely amused.
"Oh, yes," the standing girl replied. "It was the inspiration for this place." She stuck out the hand that wasn't gripping the wolf. "I'm Katie."
The other girl stood and joined Katie's side. "And I'm Lynn," she introduced as well, her eyes traveling over Sirius appreciatively. Remus jabbed his elbow into the man's ribs when he winked at Lynn.
"I'm Remus and this slag here is Sirius," he replied, a faint note of apology in his tone.
The moment the words left Remus' mouth, he wondered if he had said something wrong. Both of the girls' eyes widened to the size of Bludgers and for a moment, Remus was terrified they would completely morph and pop out to attack him. Their grips relaxed and the toys they had previously been clutching so tightly fell from their hands and landed on the floor with barely a sound. They continued to stare, their eyes filled with amazement and Remus began to fidget under the silent study.
"Is there something wrong with our names?" Sirius questioned testily.
"Oh, no, not at all," the girl called Lynn finally spoke. Her friend seemed to still be a bit tongue-tied. "It's just…we know you! We even have your pictures!" Katie finally seemed to recover and nodded excitedly.
"You what?" Sirius said levelly as Remus' eyes grew in a fairly decent imitation of what the girls had looked like previously.
"Yes, we do!" Katie said, clapping her hands together once. "Lots of pictures of you two. Lynn, go and get one of them so that we can show off our masterpiece." Lynn readily agreed and Katie bounced on the balls of her feet as she watched her friend bound across the room to a table, pulling out a drawer and withdrawing a sheet of white paper.
Sirius took the opportunity to turn to Remus with wide eyes and raised brows, his panicky question quite clear. What the hell is this? Remus could only shrug in response because he honestly had no answer for the other man.
Lynn skipped back up before them and offered out the paper. Sirius accepted it hesitantly as Lynn pointed to the picture. "Do you see?" she asked giddily. "That's Katie right there and that's me. Then next to Katie is you, Remus, and beside me is Sirius. Isn't it brilliant? It even shows Remus' scar and Sirius' long hair!" Katie nodded once more and both girls stared at them expectantly.
Sirius gaped down at the picture for a very long time, looking completely lost. He eventually cleared his throat and turned to Remus, holding the paper up against his chest. "You," he explained, his finger pointing to a brown stick figure with a delicate slash drawn across its face, "and me." His finger moved and pointed to a black stick figure that's hair looked as though it hung all the way down to its knees. "This is our picture." Sirius was speaking carefully, every word weighed heavily as it emerged from his mouth, his eyes still panicky and begging the same question. WHATTHEHELL?
"Do you like it?" Katie asked Remus, her eyes wide with hope.
"Er…" he attempted. "Yes, it's lovely."
The girl's gaze switched to Sirius and Lynn joined in as well. Sirius swallowed, glancing from Remus to the two women standing before him. "Gorgeous," he choked. Remus patted him on the back.
The two girls grinned brightly and Lynn leaned over to whisper into Katie's ear, her eyes never leaving Sirius. Katie jumped slightly in surprise. "Oh, yes!" she cried. She turned back to Sirius and Remus. "Would you two please excuse us for a moment? We just have something to discuss."
Sirius appeared unable to breathe, so the answer was left to Remus, apparently. "Of course," he replied. Their grins grew before they turned and walked away, immediately falling into a heated discussion that sounded as though it was about cupboards and pets. Remus felt Sirius and he should have been extremely worried.
Sirius was panicking, his breaths coming out in panted gasps and his forehead covered in sweat. Remus took their free opportunity and turned to Sirius, grabbing his friend by the arm and turning him as well. Sirius' mouth opened and closed quickly, but no sound emerged and Remus gripped the man's shoulders tightly. "Sirius, calm down," he murmured. Sirius continued to gasp and attempt to voice his thoughts, but to no avail. Remus heaved a heavy sigh before he snapped, "Sirius! You have to listen to me. Listen!" He accompanied the word with a rough shake and Sirius stopped his silent mouthing. "Do you have any idea what this place is?"
Sirius' eyes glanced around, but they focused on the girls standing a small distance away and Remus lost him again. He jarred the man once more and Sirius' eyes snapped back to Remus'. Sirius shook his head and muttered a small, "No."
Remus' hands tightened on Sirius' shoulders. "This is a mental hospital," he explained slowly. "And they –" He motioned to the two girls. "—are patients. This is their private ward. And this ward was created…around us." Sirius' eyes widened again and he tried to step back and away from Remus, but Remus pulled him back. "You have to remain calm, Pads. They're ill and we don't know how they'll react if we try to leave. We have to be gentle about this, all right?" Sirius swallowed as he glanced back in the girls' direction before he turned back to Remus and nodded.
Sirius' hands suddenly clenched into fists at his sides as he ground out, "I should have never let you Apparate us. A mental institution, honestly!"
"You would have landed us in a prison where some overgrown man would have wanted to have his wicked way with us," Remus countered, his hands still on Sirius' shoulders, but his grip tightening in annoyance.
"That was one time!" Sirius protested.
Remus opened his mouth to say more, but there was sudden squeal from one of the girls and he jerked in surprise. "Katie, look, they're doing it!" Lynn shrieked in glee, her face lighting up in delight. "I told you!"
Katie huffed and nudged Lynn in the shoulder. "Would you be quiet?" she said in exasperation. "How many times do I have to tell you that Remus and Sirius are not gay for one another?"
"What?" Sirius yelped, rounding on the girls. "We're not what?" He turned back to Remus, his eyes wide and blazing with indignation. "Did she just say what I think she said?"
Remus simply stared, his mouth open and gaping, completely astounded. "I – Yes, I think she did," he finally replied quietly.
Sirius' eyes slowly swiveled back to the girls and narrowed as they did so. "What do you mean we aren't gay for one another?" he asked in a low growl. "What the hell ever gave you that idea?" His incensed gaze locked with Lynn's surprised one and she shrank back a bit, her self-preservation apparently kicking in.
"Well, you know," she began carefully. "All the signs are there."
Remus' hand reached out and covered Sirius' mouth before the man could snap out a retort. As he did so, however, Remus noticed Katie shaking her head wearily, followed by Lynn's eyes lighting up excitedly. He immediately removed his hand, but provided Sirius with a warning look. Remus turned back to the women and asked Lynn, "What signs?"
Lynn sighed in exasperation. "The ones in the books, which we have read faithfu – Ow! Stop that!" Lynn glared at Katie as the other girl discreetly removed her elbow from Lynn's ribs.
"They aren't supposed to know about that!" Katie snapped in a loud whisper, her eyes widening as she attempted to relay some deeper message to her friend.
Sirius' disbelieving eyes switched between the two girls as though he were watching a Quaffle being passed back and forth. "What books?" he cried desperately. "And why can't we know about them?"
"It's against the rules," Katie replied.
Sirius opened his mouth again, but Lynn beat him to it. "Oh, who gives a damn about rules?" she said explosively, throwing her hands in the air. "It's Remus and Sirius, Katie!"
Remus saw Sirius' lips quirk up appreciatively. "Yes, Katie, listen to your friend," he said in agreement. "Rules are only as important as you make them. And she's right. It's us." He smiled charmingly and Remus rolled his eyes internally. He would have protested Sirius' words, except he was quite curious himself.
Katie glared at Sirius with unyielding eyes before she turned to Lynn, shaking her head. "No," she said defiantly. She glanced back at the two men. "Besides, we have more important things to discuss."
Sirius' face fell into a scowl. "Can't be more important than us," he grumbled.
"But it does involve you," Katie chirped, her grin suddenly appearing, wide enough to rival Sirius on his best day. Or worst, depending on whether you were adverse to any form of mischief, or whether you were Remus in general, for that matter.
And Remus, being attuned to all things Sirius and Sirius-like after being exposed to the man for a good decade and a half, had a very bad feeling about this. A horrible, terrifying feeling that turned his entire stomach to one solid, cold, hard block of ice. It was incredibly unpleasant, all things considered.
Sirius, however, did not seem to have this same reservation. So, when Lynn skipped forward and grabbed him by the arm and began to pull him forward, Sirius went willingly, promised talk about himself all he needed as encouragement. Remus could only stare in frozen horror as his friend bounded happily into the middle of the room with the two girls. This, as it turned out, was a very bad thing indeed because when Katie came forward and pulled Remus to follow his friend, Remus also went quite willingly.
"So," Katie began as she pushed Remus down to sit on the floor beside an already seated Sirius, "where is it you two are trying to go?" At their confused looks, Katie clarified. "You said you were lost."
"Oh!" Sirius cried in understanding, smiling happily as he ignored all of Remus' subtle and then not-so-subtle hints to be quiet. "We have a birthday party to attend. My godson's." His face lit up proudly as he spoke and Remus wilted. Sirius, of course, noticed that. "What's the matter, Moony? Feeling all right?"
Remus groaned and shook his head as the girls giggled at Sirius' use of the name 'Moony'. Sirius shrugged, completely oblivious, and Remus mentally cursed the man within an inch of his life. Then Remus yelped when a warm body pressed against his side and looked over to see Katie wrapped around him, her eyes comforting.
"Er…" he tried, swallowing thickly. "What are you doing?"
Katie grinned brightly. "It's all right, Remus," she promised. "This place will keep your sanity intact, no matter how much you have to bother with Sirius. It's done wonders for us, hasn't it, Lynn?"
"Oh, yes," Lynn agreed happily as she followed Katie's lead and wrapped herself around Sirius. Remus' friend still seemed completely oblivious and perfectly content as he allowed the woman to do as she pleased and he amused himself by playing with her stuffed dog. "We aren't anywhere near as mad now as we were when we first arrived. They tell us we're coming along quite nicely."
Oh, joy, Remus thought cynically, his shoulders dropping to land somewhere near the vicinity of his waist.
Katie poked him in the side and Remus jumped. "We've also helped loads of others, as well," she said proudly.
"Have you?" Sirius asked with interest, finally glancing up from the rather disturbingly similar toy in his hand. Remus barely refrained from smacking the man.
Lynn grinned beatifically. "Would you like to see?" she asked excitedly.
"See?" Remus squeaked and Katie pulled him to his feet as Lynn did the same with Sirius.
"Yes, silly, see," she replied with a shake of her head. "They're all quite grateful to us." She pulled him to a cupboard and then left him with Lynn as she opened the door and stepped inside. Lynn bounced on the balls of her feet excitedly and Sirius leaned forward, his curiosity plainly evident in his grey eyes.
Katie stepped out a moment later, something very large and very dark following closely behind. Remus' eyes widened when he realised it was a…man. He wore old-styled clothing: a plain white shirt and black trousers, a black cape attached at his shoulders. His face was covered by a solid white mask. His apparel was not, however, the oddest thing Remus found during his study. The man's hands and legs were bound together by thick ropes and his mouth was covered by a black cloth.
"That's the Phantom," Lynn explained when the man's arrival was greeted by silence from Sirius and Remus. "Well, his name is actually Erik, according to Katie, but he doesn't like for you to call him that unless he knows you."
Katie grinned and pushed 'the Phantom' against the wall before she launched herself back into the cupboard. When she emerged again, there was once more another man following her and Lynn squealed with delight when she saw him.
Remus honestly couldn't see the large appeal. He, too, was dressed in old-fashioned clothing. His hair was long, braided, and adorned with ridiculous beads. He also sported rather colourful teeth, the likes of which Remus caught a small glimpse of before Katie fixed the man's gag.
"This is Jack Sparrow," Katie introduced. Sparrow huffed through his nose and raised his head indignantly as he attempted to mumble something through the cloth that covered his mouth. Katie's eyes widened in realisation. "Oh, sorry. Captain Jack Sparrow." Sparrow nodded appreciatively and Katie leaned forward, her eyes glinting wickedly as her tone turned conspiring. "He's captain of the cupboard." Sparrow's eyes turned angry and he began to bounce around on his bound legs as muffled complaints emerged from his hidden mouth. Katie pushed him against the wall to join the Phantom. "Oh, hush."
"Isn't he gorgeous?" Lynn sighed dreamily as Katie disappeared behind the door once more. Remus thought Sparrow looked like a manlier version of Sybil Trelawney without the magnifying glasses, so he chose not to answer. Sirius merely crossed his arms over his chest and pouted as he regarded Sparrow with a withering glare.
Katie reappeared after a short moment, leading yet another man behind her. This one was tall, just like the other two, but he at least seemed to be wearing more modern clothing. He had short, spiked brown hair and dark eyes that considered Remus the same way Remus studied him.
Katie's grin grew. "This is Angel," she introduced. "He's a vampire." Sirius and Remus gaped and Katie hurried to assure them. "Oh, he's a good one!" She paused for a thoughtful moment before she added, "Well, most of the time, but you two don't have to worry."
Katie pushed Angel to join Sparrow and the Phantom against the wall and Remus waited for her to vanish within the cupboard again, though why, he would never know. Weren't three hostages more than enough?
"So," he finally hedged, "there aren't anymore?"
The corners of Lynn's mouth pulled down into a frown. "No," she mumbled sadly. "We used to have the Doctor, but he was rather clever. Wasn't that easy to hold onto."
Remus didn't understand what could possibly be so intriguing about a Muggle physician, but he decided to let it go.
"But," Katie picked up, both girls' excitement quickly returning, "we've recently added two new people to our collection. The most important ones, as luck would have it, so it's all worked out well enough."
Sirius' eyes shifted between the two women again curiously. "Really?" he asked and the girls nodded. "Who would they be, then?"
As the girls looked at one another and their smiles returned, the block of ice that was Remus' stomach cracked and shattered, flying up and piercing his lungs so it felt as though he couldn't breathe. No, definitely not pleasant.
Lynn turned back and looped her arm through Sirius', smiling up at him sweetly. "It's you two, of course," she answered, her tone covered with sugar.
Sirius' eyes widened as he turned to Remus and his mouth began to work like that of a beached fish. Remus' lips pursed slightly and he discreetly kicked the back of Sirius' leg with his foot. Sirius' winced, but said nothing as he regained control of his face.
"Of course we are, Padfoot," Remus agreed, smiling at the girls and ignoring their giggles of delight at hearing the nickname. "Who else would it be? They even said themselves that this place was created because of us."
"Right," Sirius said after clearing his throat. His eyes, though, were still incredibly wary and it hadn't gone unnoticed by the girls.
"I don't think he's accepted it," Katie murmured, eyes narrowed as she glanced at Lynn. "I told you I picked the better one, didn't I? Look how calm my darling Remus is!"
'Darling Remus' was about as calm as a Banshee, but he wasn't about to let them know that. Lynn pouted as her eyes landed on Sirius, and Remus had a sudden idea.
"Let me talk to him," Remus suggested, grabbing Sirius' upper arm. "I'll sort this all out."
Both women studied him for a long, silent moment before they glanced at one another and Lynn stepped back, allowing Sirius out of her embrace. "All right," she agreed, her eyes tracking their movement as Remus pulled Sirius across the room.
"We'll just be a moment," he assured calmly before he turned to Sirius and lowered his voice. "I'm going to get us out of here, but you have to be convincing."
"What d'you mean?" Sirius asked quizzically.
Remus puffed out a hurried breath of air. "Act as though what I'm telling you is making you want to stay."
"Are you mad?" Sirius growled, luckily having enough sense to keep his voice low.
"No," Remus mumbled. "I'm going to save that pathetic arse of yours."
Sirius stared at Remus for a long while before he glanced over at the girls, both watching Remus' and his every move. Finally, he looked back at Remus and sighed as he nodded.
"All right, that's good," Remus said, smiling encouragingly for show. "Now, when we go to walk back, I'm going to grab your arm and Apparate us away from here."
"Oh, not again," the other man groaned, his tone not matching his expression as Sirius allowed an easy smile to spread across his face.
Remus forced a chuckle before he snapped, "Yes, again. Anywhere is better than here."
Sirius slung an arm around Remus' shoulders as he steered them back towards the two women. "Even the prison?" he asked with a cheeky grin.
"Even the prison," Remus snorted out directly before Sirius withdrew his arm and Remus quickly grabbed it again and twisted to the side. He was graced with one last surprised look on the girls' faces before Sirius and he disappeared.
Half an hour, one large argument, and a set of quickly asked directions later, Remus and Sirius finally arrived at Godric's Hollow. They approached the door warily, both expecting Lily's wrath and were immensely surprised when she opened it wearing a wide and welcoming smile.
"Sirius, Remus," she greeted joyously, pulling them inside the house, "I'm so happy you could come."
Sirius gazed at Lily in puzzlement. "Er, Lils?" he said. "Not to tempt our good fortune or anything, but aren't you cross?"
Lily's face fell into a confused frown. "Why would I be?"
"Because…we're two hours late?" Remus tried.
"Oh, that?" Lily said with a laugh, waving them off and directing them towards the living room. "It's been explained. We know all about you two getting lost. Your new friends told us everything."
Remus and Sirius both came to a dead halt in the living room door. "What friends?" Sirius asked slowly.
The question, however, was answered a moment later by feminine laughter. Sirius and Remus turned wary eyes towards the sofa and Remus felt a swift kick hit his recently thawed stomach when his sight took in Katie and Lynn, seated perfectly comfortably and chatting with James.
"I just wish you'd told us about them," Lily chastised from behind them. "They're both wonderful."
Katie and Lynn turned to look at the two men. "Hello, pups," Katie greeted with a smile. "You ran off before we had a chance to talk anymore."
"Yeah," Lynn agreed with a smile, "you didn't even give us an opportunity to tell you about our lifeguard."
Some odd number of hours later…
"This is all your fault," Sirius said, his tone grouchy.
Remus said nothing as he still had a cloth covering his mouth. He contented himself by staring around the dark space.
"Oi!" Sirius suddenly shouted. "You! Nancy pirate! Get your bloody boot away from my back!"
Remus huffed as best he could and tried to ignore Sirius' "I miss my prison" as he leaned against the wall and waited for the door to open.