Give All My Secrets Away

Black-Angel-001: so this is the repost of 'shooting stars', which will hopefully go better than its predacessor...all the elements from before are still here and...well, you'll see when you read it. when you get to the '..years later part', it still means four years after 'saving me' fyi. here we go!

Discalimer: Yet again, third time's the charm. I don't own Emergency or any of it's characters. I am not a firefighter, paramedic, or doctor. I try to research as thoroughly as I can.

Give All My Secrets Away

"I'd like to make myself believe that planet earth turns slowly, it's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep 'cause everything is never as it seems."-Owl City, 'Fireflies'

Los Angelas, 17 Years Ago

Roy DeSoto walked out of the rehab clinic and took a deep breath. The air smelled as clean as the city could allow, with no hint of aniseptic, lost hope, and slow rebuilding. The spring sun made the colors brighter, or maybe it was just his own perception after spending roughly two months surrounded by drab colored walls and personnel dressed in white. He took in the sounds that were always muted inside the building, even in the courtyard, and took another breath. He looked at his wrist, delighted to find only a wristwatch there, his father's, and not a medical bracelet. Roy knew he wasn't through yet, that he never really would be as long as he lived, but the worst of it was over and he felt the change.

"Roy."

He smiled at the woman approaching him pushing a baby stroller. Joanne looked beautiful, smiling again. They'd already cleared up alot of the garbage between them during some of Roy's therapy sessions and had an appointment for some more marriage counseling but things were better than they'd been. In the stroller, the baby gurgled and waved his arms, as if he knew what was going on. Roy went down the three steps to meet them, gave Joanne a hug and together they started walking down the sidewalk.

There was a silent apprehension in the air and Roy debated with himself about bringing it up. The decision was taken out of his hands when Joanne spoke.

"Roy, Chris's father, his biological father...well, I called him a few days ago," she said with hesitation.

Roy could feel himself starting to bristle, the reminder that the child in the stroller wasn't his because of a betrayl by his wife still cutting deep. He figured that maybe it always would.

"Did you?" Roy asked it as calmly as possible and was very pleased and surprised when the words came out as if he were talking about the weather.

"Yes. I told him that I-we-didn't want him to contact Chris. At least, not until he's older and not without our permission," Joanne amended.

Roy came to a stop and Joanne paused too. He looked at her seriously for a minute. "Is that what you want?"

She nodded. "That's what's best. Roy-"

Somehow, he knew what she was going to tell him. He knew as surely as he knew that the sky was blue what the next words out of her mouth would be and he shook his head to stop them. "No, Joanne. Until there's no other choice, until we decide if or when Chris should meet him, I don't want to know his name. I don't want to know anything about him besides the medical history."

There was a long moment of silence where she studied his face, looked into his eyes, took in the way his expression was set before she slowly nodded.

They continued walking down the sidewalk and it was never brought up again.

17 Years Later

Four year old Roy Matthew DeSoto Jr., or RJ when he wasn't in trouble, paused in his play on the living room floor to listen intently to the sounds outside. His twin sister, Carrie Anne, huffed at him when he did it. It had been the twelth time at least (it was actually the fourth time) that he'd stopped playing horses with her to just sit there doing nothing. Finally fed up with her siblings lack of atttention and dedication to the game she just took the brown and white spotted pony from his hand and set about playing horses and cowboys by herself. Her Uncle Johnny had gotten her the horse set, complete with little blankets and saddles to go with the adult horses (because the baby horses weren't old enough yet he said) for her last birthday and her daddy had built real wooden stables for them to live in. The Barbies her mommy had gotten her rode the horses, or at least tried to; they didn't sit on them very well. While she galloped her horses around and got them to eat carpet grass, RJ went over to the couch by the living room window and climbed up it. He pushed the curtain to the window out of the way and peered outside, looking as far as he could in both directions before letting the curtain fall back in place and turning to sit on the couch with a little sigh.

His daddy came in from outside through the kitchen, wiping his forehead and taking off gloves. He watched with mild interest while daddy moved out of the line of sight and then came in the living room with a glass of water. He didn't sit in the chair or on the sofa, because it was against the rules to sit on the furniture when you've been playing and getting dirty outside until you got a bath, but he looked at Carrie playing then at RJ sitting and took a drink. RJ got up to look out the window again, didn't see anything different from before and sat down again, with another sigh. His daddy watched him but didn't say anything.

"Daddy, when is the Chris and the Jenny coming home," he asked, thoroughly unhappy with the lack of his older siblings apperance.

Roy nodded to the clock on the wall. "When the big hand is on the six, RJ."

RJ studied the clock intently. He could count to ten, because the Chris had taught him how, just like he could say his ABC's because the Jenny had taught him that. He looked at where the big hand was and tried to figure out how many it was before the big hand would be on the six, but he couldn't come up with it. RJ kicked his feet a little, bounced in his seat, and wiggled around.

"How many is that, Daddy? Until the big hand is on the six?"

"Well, it's on the four right now so." Roy held up one hand in a fist. "From four it's five," he held up a finger. "And then six." A second finger. "Now RJ, you tell me how many this is."

Carefully RJ counted the number of fingers. "Two!"

"Right. So it's two counts until the big hand is on the six." Roy didn't try to explain that in terms of time it meant ten minutes; the only concept children had of time was when they were waiting or in time out and anyway RJ wouldn't have cared even if he had. All he cared about was that in two counts his big brother and big sister would be home.

RJ tried to watch the clock, he really did, but he just couldn't stand to sit still to watch it. Besides, Carrie was playing rodeo and he wanted to get his cow and wild animal set to play too. He got the set and flowed seamlessly into the game, Carrie knowing exactly what his intention was in this case. There wasn't a pause or ackward moment where they had to stop and figure out what they were doing; they just did and it worked out.

Roy watched his twin children with a fond smile. They were babbling to each other in their 'twin speak', something he'd never understood and probably never would. Between twin four year olds and two teenagers, the house was pretty hectic.

The front door swung open and Jenny came in, looking a little mad and muttering under her breath. Roy sighed and his smile twitched. Speaking of teenagers. In the space of a few minutes, no one else openened the door and came through, trailing after Jenny and looking just as mad, or maybe a little gleeful. Maybe both.

"Jenny, where's Chris," he asked his fifeteen year old daughter as she came from her room and headed for the kitchen.

She stopped and rolled her eyes. "His imperial royal uppity-ness is on the front porch. He said he'll come in when he's good and ready and nothing you could do or say would make him do anything else." Jenny held up both hands before Roy could say anything to that. "His phrasing, not mine." She went on into the kitchen.

RJ and Carrie left their game and went off into the kitchen after her, little voices calling, "The Jenny wants to play? The Jenny wants to play?" as they rushed in as fast as they dared.

Roy cut his eyes from their retreating backs to the door. He and Chris had been at odds with each other from the moment Chris had turned thirteen and found out that his biological father wasn't Roy. It seemed that everything was a battle with his son, from curfew to when he could go out with friends and where. Between all of that, there was the girl trouble, the trouble with school and grades, peer pressure, making friends, breaking up with friends, all the things teenagers go through. Chris also had the fact that he would be graduating from high school next year to deal with, something that had him worrying about his future and what he would do on top of everything else. Roy could understand how all of it would pile up and pile up until you either broke under the pressure or flung it off of yourself. Since Chris wasn't the type to crack under the weight he fought back hard against whatever he saw as an obsitcale.

But even though most of his son's problems would come and go with no real issue, Roy knew that most of Chris's attitude was from the paternity problem and how they were dealing with it. Or not dealing with it, as the case may be.

Roy gave Chris a few more minutes out there before going out himself and leaning against one of the posts on the porch. Chris was sitting on the steps just like Jenny had said, and was staring out at the yard. Roy took a sip of water and shifted a little.

"I'm not ready to come in yet," Chris said without looking at him.

"That's fine, as long as you do eventually," Roy responded.

"What if I decided not to? What if I decided to go and stay somewhere else? What would you do then?" The challenge was clear. Roy looked down at the top of his son's head.

"Is that what you decided?"

"You can't answer a question with a question," the seventeen year old shot back.

Roy sighed. "I'd ask where you were going, who you would stay with, and if you'd still go to school. I'd ask if you'd come back to see your brother and sisters and parents. Do I need to ask those questions?"

Chris sighed and dropped his head. "No."

"Son-"

Chris stood abrubtly from the steps, grabbing his backpack by the straps before turning to look at Roy with a stormy expression. "I'm gonna do my homework now."

Roy stood there after Chris went in, just staring at the fading colors and approaching night before he too went inside.

Black-Angel-001: i tried different approaches and this is what came out the best...it also made more sense. leave me a review to tell me what you think please!