A/N: So, I started writing this one shot after the final of Season 2 (man, that doesn't seem as long ago as it actually is), and got about halfway through with a certain trajectory in mind. Then Season 3 started and finished and they went in a completely different direction (as I expected, but it put me in a rut with this story). I couldn't decide if I wanted to work some things into the first section (which encompasses the time frame of Season 3 while the rest is along the time line of Season 4 and beyond) to fit with canon more, but then I would have had to rewrite a bunch of this and I didn't want to, so I left it as it for awhile before picking back up and writing the rest of (only finished it a little while ago so that's why it's posted now instead of a year or more ago, when it wouldn't be as AU as it is now). Anyway, it's pretty long. Enjoy! R&R! Thank! -Mac
Disclaimer: I don't own Glee.
Kept My Heart and Let Me Go
I.
Finn has a year to convince her that they can survive leaving McKinley and moving into the real world. Rachel is more in love with him than ever, but she knows there is an expiration date on their relationship. She has a glimmer of hope, for a moment, when he fills out applications for colleges in New York as well as Lima, but when he ultimately decides to stay near home, she knows it's over. They were happy together and she knows that trying again with Finn was worth it, but even good things have to come to an end.
There are things she has to do for herself, and leading Finn around like a puppy on a leash while she does them, wouldn't be fair to either of them. That's not to say that she doesn't hold in her heart the possibility that one day, maybe they'll be in a place where it wouldn't be like that. That day just isn't anywhere on the calendar of the immediate future.
They graduate and they celebrate, and she takes a moment to mourn what she will leave behind in the halls of McKinley. She waits through most of summer to break it to Finn, which may have been a little cruel, but honestly, she wanted to squeeze every second out of the relationship before she let it go.
Finn, ever the optimist, still believes they could make it work, long distance or not, and is confused when she tells him she doesn't think it will.
"I'm breaking up with you this time, Finn, but know this doesn't mean I don't love you, or that we had any problems. You're a wonderful boy, Finn, and I will always love you, but there are things I need to do, that I have to do alone. I hope you can understand that."
He argues, of course he does, but the decision has been made. Eventually, he concedes because he doesn't want to keep her from her dreams anymore than she wants to drag him from the home he still clings to. They share one last kiss and Rachel says goodbye to her first love, the boy who was her first in so many ways.
II.
Rachel goes to New York to follow her dreams, and this school, these classes, are designed to foster her talents and creativity. It takes her twenty minutes to fall in love with the life she has chosen. The only thing that makes her think twice, makes her feel homesick, is that everyone there is super talented.
She was born a star. She had always known that. At McKinley, she was like a star plucked from the heavens to illuminate the Earth. Choosing to follow her dreams to NYC propelled her back into the skies where she belonged. The only problem with that is she is now a star among stars—no one there shines brighter than anyone else.
Sitting in class, or watching the other young men and women perform, she knows she's going to have to work even harder to stand out. There are some girls who try to demand special attention, whether or not their talent deserves it, and Rachel wonders if this is what people thought of her when they first started Glee Club. It bothers her because, for the first time, she is the one losing out because of behavior like that. She vows never to act in such a way again. She has to try harder and put in extra effort, but that's nothing new to her. At least she knows that when she gets praise or a leading role, that she earned it on her own talent, sweat and tears and it wasn't just handed to her because she can carry a note while looking pretty and flirting with the casting director or her own high opinion of herself.
Soon enough, Rachel has proved herself as the sun: the star of stars. Some girls shoot her bitter looks when they think she isn't looking and she knows they are probably tearing her down behind her back, but she doesn't mind. Statistically, by the time she graduates, Rachel will have been given more leading roles than her female peers that vied for the same parts. She is also the only one to pass on a role when she felt the role was more suited to another. So while others are catty, Rachel just tries to have an honest ear. She wants to be a star, be the best, but she won't sacrifice being a good person to achieve that.
III.
It helps, the first year, having Kurt by her side through the whole experience. When Rachel first starts feeling low about all the uber talented classmates, Kurt shows up at her dorm and lays claim to the one bare section of wall not already covered by play bills and pictures from back home. He forced Rachel out of her own room, sending her to the dining hall for a short time. Rachel resists but eventually does as she was told. Kurt is not going to be argued with, so Rachel takes the script she has been committing to memory and retreats to the dining hall for an hour. When she is collected and is able to return to her room, she finds the empty span of wall filled with pretty paper lettering that spelled out: "You Are One In A Million."
Kurt stands beside her, "I'm a little opposed to such amateur interior decorating, but I didn't have time to get together a more professional poster."
Rachel smiles weakly, "It's very kind of you, Kurt."
"There is only one Rachel Berry and you're it. I thought this would keep you from forgetting it."
"Thank you, Kurt. It's lovely."
Kurt is the one familiar face in the sea of unknown. Rachel is glad to have him; in fact, she believes she could not have found a better companion for her quest for Broadway. He understands her dreams and his mirror hers. He gets her in a way that no one else really does. Although she would like to have girlfriends like she has in Mercedes and Quinn back home and perhaps she regrets breaking up with Finn some days, Kurt fills a lot of roles for her and he "saves her from the pathetic lonely existence she would lead without him"—a direct quote from Kurt himself. Until she forms relationships with others in her new home, Rachel is grateful to have Kurt in her corner and she gladly switches roles with him when he needs her support. It's the two of them against the Big Apple, and she's okay with that.
IV.
Midway through her second semester, she runs into Jesse St. James at a showing of a school production that Kurt has a lead in. Rachel has been in the front row, a small bouquet in her lap, watching enthralled. When she navigated the aisles to head toward the lobby, she catches a glimpse of him leaving the back row of the theater and has to do a double track. She stops in her tracks and is jostled when unsuspecting, departing audience members do not notice her immobile form. She spills out apologies and continues out into the lobby with her head down. She's not sure if Jesse had seen her, or if her noticing him had been one sided. She glances around the crowded lobby that was filled with audience members and actors and actresses that had arrived from backstage, looking for Kurt. She is trying to find him over the heads of the people around her, when her line of sight is impeded by Jesse's smirking face.
"Rachel Berry."
Rachel takes a step back, "Jesse St. James, what are you doing here?"
It's a legitimate question. The previous year he had been the show choir director for Vocal Adrenaline, and Rachel struggles to come up with a reason why Jesse would be at a show written by students, produced by students and performed by students in New York City. Nothing plausible comes to mind so she waits for his answer while trying to look like she didn't care much about his response. This isn't hard to manage since, as he begins to explain, she is still focused on searching for Kurt's face in the crowd of family, friends and dutiful significant others.
"Well, after your little Glee Club destroyed us at Nationals, Carmel reconsidered my position as coach. That seems to be the trend since Shelby's premature departure. Anyway, after I was politely informed that my services were no longer needed, I began a mild flirtation with one of the Graduating Seniors. She was coming here and I decided that New York was a good a place as any to start over, again. So here I am and here you are...and are you even listening anymore?"
Rachel turns her gaze back to Jesse, "Yes, of course, Vocal Adrenaline lost Nationals to New Directions. You were fired, began an ethically ambiguous relationship with a student, followed her to New York and are now here tonight because...?"
In response to Rachel's raised eyebrow, Jesse answers, "Her roommate was in the show."
"Ah," Rachel nods. "What's her name? I probably know her if she graduated from Carmel in the same class as me."
"Her name is Tegan," Jesse says. "Her roommate is Lynnette."
Rachel smiles, "Tegan, of course. That makes sense."
"Does it?" Jesse raises an eyebrow.
Rachel nods, laughing to herself, but doesn't elaborate.
Any further conversation is interrupted by the arrival of Kurt with Tegan and Lynnette behind him. Rachel turns her attention to Kurt. He is still in some parts of his costume, but the jacket has been removed and the tie he had been wearing lays untied around his neck. Rachel hugs him and gives him the flowers she has been holding carefully.
"You were so great, Kurt," Rachel exclaims. "I'm so proud of you."
"Thank you, Rachel," Kurt responds. He looks over to Jesse. "Well, this is a surprise. What's he doing here?"
"He's with me," Tegan pipes up as she slides up next to Jesse. She tosses a curl of dark hair over her shoulder and adds, "We came to see Lynn's performance. Didn't we, hon?"
Rachel notes the expression of blank boredom on Jesse's face as he answers, "Obviously."
"As nice as it was to see you again, Jesse," Kurt says, glancing briefly at Jesse, "Rachel owes me a celebratory dinner. We should be going."
Rachel murmurs a quick goodbye to Jesse as Kurt takes her arm and leads her away. She has to wait while Kurt finishes changing into his own clothes. Rachel hangs up his costume while Kurt fixes his hair in one of the mirror vanities set up back stage.
"I knew the guy Tegan was always complaining about sounded familiar. It makes sense. There couldn't be more than one narcissistic twits like that in existence," Kurt says as he turns away from the mirror, "the world would explode."
"I had the same response. It totally makes sense," Rachel laughs. "I don't know how I didn't figure it out before."
"Maybe it was because Tegan only referred to him as Cuddle Cakes?" Kurt suggests as they left for dinner.
The next time Rachel sees Jesse she is leaving her dorm building on the way to meet with a group from one of her classes for a working dinner. They have to decide on a scene to perform and one of the others had suggested that they would be more productive with full stomachs. Rachel is pulling on a light sweater as she steps out of her building when she practically walks right into a pacing Jesse right outside.
"Rachel," Jesse says as he steps back so that she doesn't run into him. "Just the girl I was looking for."
"You were looking for me out here?" Rachel raises an eyebrow.
"See, I had this plan. I was going to get someone to let me in and I was going to knock on your door to invite you to dinner," Jesse explains. "Except, I've been here for forty five minutes and not one person has come in or out. But here you are, so—"
"That's sweet Jesse, but I have dinner plans," Rachel says. "I have to get going actually."
"That's alright," Jesse follows as she starts to walk past him. "I'll walk you."
They fall into step beside each other as they cross campus on the way toward the selected restaurant. Rachel straightens the sleeves of her sweater and wipes her hands over the skirt of her dress. They are silent as they walk and Rachel wonders if Jesse really had anything meaningful to say in the first place. Beginning to believe that he won't speak without promptly, Rachel speaks up herself.
"Where's Tegan tonight?" Rachel asks, glancing at Jesse as they turn the corner onto the block that had her destination at the end of it.
"She's out with Lynnette and some other girls from their dorm," Jesse answers. "I wasn't invited."
"Girls night," Rachel nods. "So why are you here with me instead of doing something exciting sans girlfriend?"
"I figure you're the closest thing to a friend that I have here," Jesse says.
Unsure of how to respond, Rachel remains quiet.
When they stop in front of the restaurant, Rachel starts to feel bad about sending Jesse away. He turns to her to say goodbye and offers her a quick hug. She pulls away and, in a flare of what she likes to think is compassion, invites him to join her and her friends. He tries to politely decline, but she insists. She introduces him to the group and he says he'll let them work while he lingers in the background. By the time they get their food, all of her friends have taken Jesse in on a conversation about the best Off-Broadway production they've seen. They don't get a scene selected that night, but they all have a great time and they invite Jesse to join them anytime.
Rachel lets Jesse take her out to lunch or dinner a few times after that. He breaks up with Tegan and doesn't leave New York. He thinks about it, but decides that with a friendly face around, he still feels attached to the city. Tegan sends Rachel death glares when they pass on campus for a couple weeks, but that eventually wears off. Jesse comes to see one of Rachel's shows and Rachel helps him prepare for auditions.
Kurt doesn't say anything, but Rachel can tell he disapproves by the look she gets every time she brings Jesse up. Kurt doesn't believe that Jesse is being honest about only wanting to be friends. It's also a little about Finn too, Rachel thinks. She thinks Kurt still has a part of him that sees Rachel with his stepbrother, despite his casual revelations that Finn had gone on a few dates with other girls since Graduation. In the end, it's nothing more than dinner and she doesn't think about it amounting to anything more. Although Kurt seems to fear it, spending time with Jesse has little to do with having any residual desire to be with Jesse again. Like Jesse, she just enjoys the feeling of familiarity.
One of the people from the first group dinner has a party at her off campus apartment and when she invites Rachel and Kurt, she suggests that Rachel bring Jesse. Blaine is there for the weekend bringing news from Lima and McKinley so he joins the three at the party. Rachel ignores Kurt's hissed comment that it's almost like a double date and lets Jesse get her a drink. Kurt drags Blaine off to introduce him to some people from one class or other, leaving Rachel alone with Jesse.
After a few drinks, Rachel asks Jesse to dance with her. At least, she thinks those are the words that left her mouth. Her thoughts are kind of running together, but Jesse takes her in his arms and they dance to the steady beat seeping from the stereo. It's the closest she's been to someone of the opposite sex since Finn, besides Kurt and the male leads of some of her shows, but of course, those don't count.
She doesn't remember how they ended up in the bedroom, but she remembers what happens once they're in there. It's nice, but when it's over the only thought blaring in her mind is that Kurt was right. When she tells Jesse that it was a one time thing, not to be repeated, he is understanding but they don't see each other as much after. They say it's because they're busy—Rachel is coming to the end of her semester and Jesse is swamped by rehearsals for a part he scored.
Rachel declares that it's for the best and moves on. Kurt stops shooting her concerned looks. Life goes on without Jesse St. James. Rachel focuses on the more important things in her life, like completing her first year of higher education.
V.
Summer comes, and although she was invited to stay for a summer session and series of student showcases, her Dad's haven't seen her since March. So Rachel goes home to Lima.
She spends the first few days catching up with her family, recounting in vivid and dramatic every detail of her semester. She leaves out any mention of Jesse and all the better. After that first week, Rachel reacquaints herself with Lima. Kurt had come back into town to help Blaine prepare for his own trip to NYC. Rachel invites the two for dinner to celebrate their first year in New York and Blaine's graduation from McKinley. Blaine suggests they invite the other New Directions that had Graduated, so Artie and Tina are pulled into the mix.
Rachel is the first to arrive and she informs the waitress of their sizable party. She is about to step outside to wait for her friends when she spots three familiar faces that seem almost out of place without the McKinley red and white Cheerios uniforms. As Rachel approaches, Quinn turns around and notices her for the first time.
"Rachel," Quinn smiles. "How are you?"
Rachel takes the hug Quinn offers her when she stands, "I'm great. You look very much the Ivy Leaguer. I didn't know you were home from Yale, otherwise I would have invited you out with us. You too, Santana, Brittany."
"Us?" Quinn raises an eyebrow.
Almost on cue, the front doors are pulled open to reveal Artie, Tina and Mike coming in together. Rachel gestures toward them, "Us."
They set up a table for the new comers in the same vicinity of Quinn, Santana and Brittany's table. There are a round of greetings as everyone settles in. Rachel takes a seat where there are openings for those who still haven't arrived. She smiles as she looks around at all of her friends and wishes she could transport this to New York with her.
"Well, isn't this just a nice little Glee Club Reunion," Santana says. "We're just missing your—no wait, here they come too." She turns to Brittany, "This used to be a classy establishment. Now they let anyone and their bow tie in."
Rachel looks up to see Kurt and Blaine approaching the table. She smiles, but when they separate to take the two chairs across from her they reveal the figure standing a few feet behind them and the smile falters. She looks to Kurt for an explanation.
"He overheard that we were going to Breadstix," Kurt whispers, "I'm sorry."
Rachel takes a deep breath and tries not to overreact when Finn takes the last available seat next the her. She is going to be polite. She is not going to freak out. Her rapid heartbeat thinks otherwise, but she composes herself, "Hello Finn."
"Hi Rachel," Finn smiles at her and her stomach flops, "I hope you don't mind that I joined the party. It's just been a long time since I've been to Breadstix with anyone other than myself."
"It's perfectly alright," Rachel says. "The more the merrier. It's good to see everyone again. We're just a few short of our whole New Directions now."
"Actually, on the way over Kurt suggested that I text Puck," Finn says. "He's on his way."
"Really?" Rachel turns her head toward Finn, who nods an affirmative. "Too bad Mercedes won't be visiting from California for another week and Sam couldn't make it. Otherwise, we'd have our baker's dozen."
"Okay," Kurt claps his hands. "I'm going to spoil the surprise. Mercedes and Sam are on their way. Mercedes's flight got in this morning. Sam is picking her up as we speak. Blaine and I thought it would be fun to have a mini reunion, which is why I called Quinn and she got Santana and Brittany here and why I let Finn overhear our plans."
Rachel's mouth drops open into a round O. She looks at each of her friends and realizes they were all in on it, except maybe Finn, who looks confused. "Why not just tell me?"
"Well," Kurt says. "After the way last semester went," he looks at Rachel pointedly and she understands that he is referring to Jesse, "I figured you might need the pick me up of seeing all of your friends. We were planning an even craftier operation, but when you suggested dinner at Breadstix, we improvised."
Rachel's chest swelled and with the shock of seeing Finn again wearing off, she felt genuinely happy.
"Okay now, tell me you didn't already order, because Puckasaurus is starved and if any of your food comes before mine, I'm going to annex it," Puck's voice booms over them as he pulls up a chair at the head of the table. "Pass me those bread sticks, Changster."
Mike passed down the container of bread sticks. "Nice to see you again too, Puck."
Puck is already crunching down onto his first bread stick as he says, "You too Mike. How's the dance stuff going? They got you wearing a leotard and tights yet?"
Mike laughs, "Not yet."
"Good. Take pictures for me when they do. I've been in need of a good laugh."
"Sure thing," Mike says, even as he shakes his head no.
Rachel watches the exchange with a smile on her face. "Noah, you haven't changed a bit."
"It's only been a year, Berry," Puck replies. "Although, you've got New York City written all over you. How've you been?"
"I've been great," Rachel says. "It was tough in the beginning, but I pulled through."
Puck winks at her, "Knew you would."
"So," Finn speaks up. "What's it like living in New York?"
"Everything I expected it to be," Rachel begins.
She and Kurt spend some time talking about their experiences in New York, then they shift their attention to Quinn and her tales from Yale. They're in the middle of listening to Artie, Tina and Blaine talking about what the past year of McKinley was like, including the ever present feud between Schuester and Coach Sylvester, when Mercedes and Sam arrive.
"Surprise!" Mercedes exclaims and Sam grins sheepishly as they draw the attention of practically everyone in the restaurant.
Feeling unbelievably content, Rachel sits back and savors every moment of happy chatter between all her old friends. They stay until the staff is about ready to kick them out to regain use of their tables. No one wants to go home yet, so they migrate away from the restaurant in a caravan of cars. They end up in the parking lot out front of McKinley. Some of them are standing around and others are lounging on the hoods of cars. Rachel is sitting next to Finn on the bed of his truck, their legs dangling over the edge. She begins to hum the tune to "Here's To Us" and Finn starts to softly sing the words along with her. Soon everyone has joined in and it's almost like they've been transported back into their days in Glee Club together.
"here's to us, here's to love
all the times we've messed up
here's to you, fill the glass
cuz the last few days have gone too fast..."
VI.
Rachel sees Finn again a few days later while she is out grocery shopping. She has planned to cook her Dads dinner and she is scouting the aisles for all the ingredients that she needs. She is picking out produce when Finn appears from the other side of the crates of tomatoes, pushing a full cart. He spots her and that familiar grin of his appears on his face. Her heart thuds against her chest and she feels like the poor little choir girl crushing on the football star all over again. She wonders if any measure of time will change the effect Finn Hudson has on her.
"Hey Rachel," Finn says as he parks his cart next to hers beside the display of leafy greens. "Stocking up?"
"I'm making my Dads dinner. They were running a little low on fresh ingredients," Rachel answers, "You?"
"On a mission from Kurt," Finn says. He holds up a stack of papers filled with Kurt's scrawled out lists. "In his absence we've managed to eat out twice as much. Between him in New York and Burt going back and forth between here and DC, we've taken the easy way when it comes to dinner. Kurt wants to remedy that. He's at home baking something really complex and unpronounceable for dessert tonight, so shopping for everything else was delegated to me."
"Well, I'm just about done with my shopping. I could give you a hand finishing up your list."
"I'd like that," Finn separates the sheets of paper, handing Rachel a few. "I don't even know what half the things are on here. Any help you can give would be great. Thank you."
"Not a problem," Rachel smiles. "It will be good practice for when Kurt and I are living together next semester."
"Yeah," Finn says as he follows after Rachel down the aisle. She begins picking out some of the produce on Kurt's list while Finn talks. "Kurt was talking about that. Have you found a place yet?"
Rachel nods, "We're subletting a place from a couple other students who are studying abroad for a year. I had an acting class with one of the girls. Her parents already own it, so it was just going to sit empty for a year. She heard we were looking, so she offered it to us."
"That's awesome, Rach."
"It's exciting to finally be living on my own. The dorms were nice, but moving into an apartment in Fall will make it feel real," Rachel crosses off the items she's collected. "What about you Finn? You didn't talk much about your year when we were all out the other night."
"It was fine. Classes were tough, but I powered through. It was nice to still have sports to fall back on. The routine helped me keep up my momentum," Finn says. "I kept busy at Burt's shop too."
"Just fine, though?" Rachel tilts her head as she looks over at him.
"I don't know," Finn shrugs. "It's kind of lonely. Everyone else has gone off in different directions. I see Puck every now and then, but...you know Puck. I think I thought I would have more things to hold on to from before."
Rachel can feel his eyes on her. She knows what he is implying and she knows what she'll find in his eyes if she meets his gaze. She has a choice to make. She can ignore the sentiment, change the subject, and make a point to avoid meeting his eyes. That would send the signal that she still fiercely stands by her words from the year before. She could also turn and meet his eyes, show him that she understood him, and let her eyes tell him that maybe she felt the same way. This latter would say that she was admitting to herself that the ties she cut were still dangling, longing for the lost connections.
Rachel turns to Finn, searching his eyes, "I got wrapped up in what I was gaining, what lay ahead of me, I didn't stop to think about how much I was going to miss what I left behind."
They finish the rest of the list in silence. They get in line at the checkout together. As they are parked on opposite sides of the parking lot, they stop outside the grocery store for a moment. Finn turns toward Rachel, and she watches his chest rise as he takes in a deep breath.
"If you hadn't already told me that you have dinner plans with your Dads, I would invite you to dinner at our house," Finn says.
"I'm free for dinner tomorrow," Rachel responds, even though an alarm is going off in her head, warning her against making a mistake. "We could go out...just the two of us."
Finn smiles, "I'd like that."
"Pick me up at seven?"
"I'll see you then."
Rachel tells her Dads that it's not a date, but of course it's a date. At least, in her mind it's a date. She dresses like it's a date, puts on makeup like it's a date, and suffers through maddening butterflies like it's her first date ever. When Finn shows up in a meticulously pressed button down and slacks, bearing a bouquet of her favorite flowers, she knows for sure it's a date and so do her Dads when they claim the responsibility of putting the flowers in water as she leaves on Finn's arm. She shouldn't be on a date with her ex, but still she finds herself sitting across from him feeling like they never broke up. Finn keeps smiling that smile at her, like she's just given him everything he's ever wanted, and she knows that should scare her just a little at least. But it doesn't scare her, because she realizes maybe she wants the same things he does—at least a little she wants those things, maybe more than a little, but enough to keep her from dashing his hopes across Lima as she runs full sprint back to New York.
After dinner, instead of taking her straight home, Finn drives her out to the park she once took him. As they get out of his truck, Finn pulls out a folded blanket. They walk out to the same place they once sat before and Finn lays out the blanket for them to sit on. Rachel curls up against Finn under the stars and knows she's in for it. When his hands find her face, tilting her lips up to meet his, her entire world is framed in that moment. She wants every second of her life to be this. She is consumed. She's spent so many months trying to convince herself that there was nothing left for her in Lima, so she wouldn't have any regrets. Yet here she is with the boy she left behind, wishing she had never let him go in the first place.
Although it has to be their third or fourth first date, it still feels a little improper to not end the night at her porch. He leans in to give a goodnight kiss like a proper gentleman should on a first date, but as soon as he kisses her it's as if all of their time apart has melted into nothing. Her mind, her body and everything aligns so that she feels the way she did at the peak of the last time they were together. She remembers nervous smiles, trembling hands and exploring new territory together. There is none of that this time, but she feels like a giddy school girl again when she starts sneaking Finn into her room that night. Finn uses kisses to muffle her giggling that would alert her Dads to something amiss. She's not sure how they make it to her bed without waking the whole neighborhood, but they do. Rachel fits against Finn's body perfectly as she falls back onto her pillows and he leans over her.
"I've missed you, I've missed this," Finn murmurs against her skin as he plants kisses from her jaw down her neck. "I've missed us."
Me too, is on her tongue, but it never leaves her mouth because Finn's hands wander and the only sound she can admit is a soft moan of approval. She decides to use her own hands to show him her response, rather than bother with words.
Afterward, when they are wrapped around each other under her blankets, Rachel sleepily traces circles on Finn's bare chest. She breathes softly, "I love you, Finn."
Finn's hand pauses mid stroke through her hair. He looks down to meet her eyes, "I love you too, Rachel."
She smiles, "I'm glad we're doing this again."
"I always knew we would," Finn responds before leaning in to capture her lips again.
The summer progresses as follows: Rachel spends spare moments in Finn's company, she practices songs and scenes for when she returns to school, she has fun doing over all the things she and Finn had done before only with new knowledge and new experience, she works on inventory for things that her soon-to-be apartment is going to need, and she pretends the two things she wants will still be able to coexist come fall. There is an ease between her and Finn that she's never experienced with anyone else. She thinks maybe her her high school self wasn't so wrong to think that she was meant to be with Finn. Rachel doesn't think about how her high school graduating self hadn't been so wrong about breaking up with him either. Instead, she tries to believe in the idea that the year apart is only making their relationship stronger.
Kurt begins to give her those disapproving looks again, like he did when she was hanging out with Jesse. She tries to ignore him, but it's hard because he had been right the last time. It's even harder because she knows Kurt has investment on both sides this time and he wouldn't interfere if he didn't think it was necessary. Unsure of what exactly he disapproves of, Rachel finally decides to ask him straight out.
"Okay Kurt, you've been sending me passive aggressive glares every time we're in the same room for two weeks now," Rachel says when she is able to get Kurt alone. She and Finn are on a double date with Kurt and Blaine. Their significant others had left to get the cars and Rachel takes the opportunity to round on Kurt. "Explain yourself, and quick, before the boys get back."
"I don't know what you're talking about," Kurt replies, not meeting her eyes.
"You have about five seconds to start talking, Hummel," Rachel steps closer to him, "Or I'll be forced to tell Blaine you pilfered from his bow tie collection over Christmas break. You know he's been looking for those for months."
"Fine," Kurt sighs, "I'm just concerned, Rachel. I have my reasons. I'm worried about you and Finn being back together."
"Why?" Rachel frowns. "We're happy. Why can't you just be happy for us?"
"Because you did the right thing last year when you broke up with him," Kurt answers. "And what's changed between then and now, Rachel? I'll tell you: nothing."
"We still love each other," Rachel argues. "We tried being apart and we're better together than we are with other people."
"What other people? That guy you had coffee with once? I don't think he qualifies. Your drunk party sex with Jesse certainly doesn't." Kurt raised an eyebrow. "Finn hasn't tried to be with anyone either."
"But you said—"
"—I lied," Kurt admits. "He asked me to tell you he was dating again—not to make you jealous—so you wouldn't feel guilty that he wasn't able to move on."
"So, what?" Rachel continues, "So neither of us could bring ourselves to be with anyone else. Isn't that just proof that we really should be together? If we can't manage to give our hearts to anyone else?"
"My brother has the heart. He loves you. Dear God, it is disgusting how much he loves you still. It even makes Blaine gag and you know how sentimental he's become from the long distance this year," Kurt shakes his head, "but Finn's life is still here and yours is in New York. This summer is going to end and you are going to be in the exact same position you were in a year ago. Can you tell me that you'll make a different choice this time around?"
He is saying all the things Rachel has been concerned about, somewhere in the back of her head. She wants to argue, but he's not wrong. She remains quiet.
Finn pulls the truck to the curb in front of her. He gets out and comes around to help her into the passenger seat. "Ready to go?"
Rachel looks to Kurt one last time and then takes Finn's hand, "Ready."
Summer starts to draw to a close. It's already a week into August and Rachel still hasn't found the courage to face the decision she has to make. Her head knows what she's going to do, but her hearts is still putting up a fight. Her heart wants to believe there is another way. She struggles to reconcile the differences between the two, to no avail. She fears that her worries are obvious to Finn, that maybe he senses the way she is starting to pull away, and that she's doing it on purpose so he'll do the dirty work for her.
"I feel like we've been here before," Finn says another week later, now mid August, when they are sitting across from each other at her dining room table.
Her Dads went to a show to let her have some time alone with Finn. Rachel takes the time to make a romantic dinner that is supposed to help convince her that they have something special that could withstand the distance, but she can't look him full in the eye and the whole ordeal feels counterproductive.
Rachel pulls her napkin from her lap and drops it on the table in front of her she sighs as tears begin to prick, "It's because we have been."
"It was different this time though, better," Finn says. His voice drops, "Right?"
"You've always been the best Finn. You can't get better than we were together, not last time, not this time," Rachel responds. She presses her fingers to the corners of her eyes. "But it's not about how good we are together. I wanted this time to be different, so badly I did," She sucked in a breath sharply, "and it was in some ways, but I can't pretend that it was in the ways that it needed to be."
"Is this the part where you tell me I'm wonderful and that you'll always love me, but you're breaking up with me anyway?" Finn asks. "Because that's bull, and I don't want to hear it."
"It's true though, Finn," Rachel pushes her hair back. "You are wonderful and I don't think I could ever stop loving you—"
"Then be with me," Finn exclaims, slamming his hands down on the table and pushing his chair out.
He balls up his napkin and tosses it down on the table. Walking around the table, he stands beside Rachel's chair. He pulls on her chair so he can turn her toward him. With tears in her eyes, she finally looks up at him.
"We can do this," Finn says. "Kurt and Blaine did it. Give us a chance."
"Kurt and Blaine were able to handle the long distance because they knew it was temporary. Blaine was always going to be coming to New York when the year was up. They knew that each day that passed was one step closer to the day when that distance wasn't going to be there anymore," Rachel shakes her head. "You and I don't have that luxury. You're always going to be here and I'm always going to be there. That distance will define our relationship. If we stay together, and we suffer through the distance for a couple weekends and holidays together, where will we be able to go? How could we ever take any further steps in our relationship? We couldn't get married, couldn't have a family, couldn't have a future."
"We could do this. We could find a way," Finn answered. His hands grip the arms of her chair so tightly his knuckles go white. "I believe in us."
"We would ruin this," Rachel says. "Finn, we both deserve better than that."
"For someone who never gives up, you're so quick to give up on me," Finn's face screws up in anger for a moment and then clears. His voice is empty of emotion as he says, "Rachel Berry always gets what she wants. I think I've been told enough times to know that you don't want me."
Finn turns around and starts to leave. Without moving from her chair, Rachel calls out, "If it were different Finn, if we could be together somewhere, you would be it for me."
Finn looks back at her one last time when she speaks up and then leaves. Her body jolts when her front door slams behind him. The tears spill over and she makes no attempt the stem them. Eventually they dry up and she is able to leave the table. Even though it feels like a mistake, she is ready to return to New York where she can forget the summer ever happened.
Rachel spends a couple more days with her Dads and then leaves for the city ahead of Kurt to get their new apartment ready for them. She needs a jump start on starting over, again.
VII.
The apartment is small, but it feels like home to Rachel. It can get crowded with the three of them all getting ready at the same time in the mornings. Blaine has a dorm room, like all incoming freshman are required to have, but he spends most nights at their place. While mornings can be chaos as they fight over the bathroom and lose to Blaine's gel process as it alone takes longer than Rachel's entire morning routine, Rachel wouldn't give it up for anything. The three of them have become a little family unit over the course of the semester. She oscillates between feeling like a third wheel to Kurt and Blaine's romance, feeling like siblings fighting over the sink and couch space, and feeling like a child who needs to be looked after by her concerned parent figures Kurt and Blaine. The latter stemming from the way both of them will randomly look at her with eyes dripping with sympathy like she should still be hiding in the corner nursing her wounds from the summer fiasco. They don't believe that she's over it yet, but she knows that she has to be. She doesn't have the option of obsessing over the past. It helps that his name has become somewhat of a taboo in the apartment. Although Kurt gets consistent updates, he always takes care to censor them for her. She is also avoiding any plans that would take her back to Lima. She volunteers to help out with a production on campus that runs through the Fall break—so when Kurt and Blaine go home for Thanksgiving, she stays behind. She is looking forward to the end of the semester. Instead of her going home, her Dads are coming to New York for two weeks during her winter break. It is all going to turn out in her favor in the end.
With a day free from classes, Kurt and Blaine go out for a romantic day of couple-y things, leaving Rachel with the apartment to herself. She takes advantage of the privacy and quiet. She is in the process of reviewing lyrics when there is a knock on the front door. She abandons her sheet music on the coffee table she was working by and goes to answer. As she glances through the peephole, she is shocked to see who is standing on the other side. She pulls open the door to prove to herself that she wasn't seeing things.
"Hey, Rachel."
Rachel smiles, "Noah Puckerman, to what do I owe the honor of you gracing my doorstep?"
"I found myself in the neighborhood and I kinda needed a place to crash for a couple nights, so I looked up my old high school chums who I knew lived around here," Puck answers. "Think I could come in?"
"Of course," Rachel gestures him inside. "Make yourself at home."
Puck sheds his jacket and drapes it over the back of the couch. He sits down on the couch and flings his arms up behind his head, settling in and getting comfortable. Scooting around Puck's legs, Rachel collects her sheet music and stacks the papers together straight before she sits on the other end of the couch.
"So, how did you end up, 'in the neighborhood'?" Rachel asks. "I don't know about you, but I don't think I'm exactly around the corner from Lima."
"There was this concert last night in this real dive of a venue. Still totally rocking, by the way. I'm glad I drove all the way here," Puck answers. "I thought I would head straight back today, but I figured why not enjoy the city while I'm here. It's not like I have any commitments I have to get back to or anything. Who better to show me the town than the fabulous New Directioners turned New Yorkers?"
"It's sweet of you to come see us, Noah," Rachel says. "Kurt and Blaine aren't actually here at the moment. Just me."
"Well, that's alright," Puck shrugs. "I'm not exactly here to see them."
"Oh."
"So, what do you say to showing me the sights?" Puck raises an eyebrow. "I gotta say, I'm totally up to playing obnoxious tourist for a day."
Rachel glances at her stack of music and then back to Puck. She cracks another smile, "Sure, that sounds like fun. I'd love to."
They spend the day traveling back and forth across the city. Rachel has more fun taking silly touristy pictures with Puck than she has had doing anything since summer. That night he crashes on her couch. When she wakes up in the morning, she finds Puck still asleep on the couch with Kurt and Blaine standing over him. They both have mugs of coffee in their hands as they stare down at their guest. Rachel collects her own cup from the coffee maker in the kitchen and then comes to stand next to Kurt.
"Why is Puck on our couch?" Kurt asks.
"He didn't want to sleep on the floor?" Rachel responds. "He needed a place to stay. I would have told you he was here, but both of you were asleep when we got back last night."
"Let me rephrase the question," Kurt says. "Why is Puck, who lives over 500 miles away, on our couch in New York City?"
"He went to a concert and wanted to stay a couple days. I offered him the use of our couch," Rachel sips her coffee. "Is there a problem with that?"
"No problem," Blaine responds. "We were just surprised to wake up to a mohawked house guest."
"You know it is really creepy to watch people when they're sleeping," Puck suddenly says, watching them with one opened eye.
"Good morning, Sleepyhead," Kurt replies. "Blaine and I are planning on going out for breakfast if the two of you would like to join us."
Puck blinks, "Is that Blaine? Man, I almost didn't recognize you without the bow tie get up and the," he gestures over his head a few times to mimic Blaine's slicked back hairstyle, "gel."
"Good to see you too Puckerman," Blaine says as he and Kurt head back toward their room. He adds to Kurt as they reach the hallway, "I think I liked him better when he was sleeping."
"We all do."
Rachel chuckles as the bedroom door closes behind them. She lifts her coffee to her lips and perches herself on the arm of the couch. "Morning, Noah."
"Rachel," Puck nods to her. "Can I get some of that?"
"Help yourself," Rachel gestures toward the kitchen.
Puck sits up and stretches. He rolls the kinks out of his muscles before standing and heading to the small kitchen. When he returns, he has a steaming mug of coffee in his hands. He sits on the couch and Rachel shifts from the arm onto the cushion next to him.
"So," Rachel draws out the word. "Breakfast?"
"Sure," Puck nods, "but we're talking like a substantial breakfast, not bird food."
"While I refrain from most of it," Rachel says, "Yes, the place serves all of a breakfast connoisseur's needs."
"Sweet," Puck replies, taking a big gulp off his coffee. "Cause I'm starved."
Rachel and Puck join Kurt and Blaine for breakfast and the four of them have fun. It's like having a small slice of home around for the day. Puck tells them about how the Glee Club is fairing now that it's populated by newcomers. He sat in on a few rehearsals when he had time off and even played guitar for them a couple times. He says the female lead is 'no Rachel Berry,' which causes Rachel to blush, but the girl is pretty good. New Directions won their Sectionals and Puck says the last time he saw Will, their old teacher was looking hopeful about Regionals.
"We should try to get everyone to go to Nationals if they make it," Rachel says. She looks at Blaine, "I feel bad that we weren't there to see you guys take it. I think Will would love it if we were there to see New Directions defend their title for the three-peat."
Puck shrugs, "I'm in."
"We'll have to start planning soon," Kurt mulls it over. "It can't interfere with anyone's schedules, and of course it depends on where it's being held."
"I think it would be fun," Blaine says. "It's such a rare thing to get everyone together in one place, and we really should show our support."
Rachel smiles, "Alright then."
The four spend the rest of the day together as well. Blaine has to put together a costume for a scene, so Rachel and Puck join him and Kurt as they shop. Puck isn't big on the whole shopping thing but Rachel drags him store to store on the understanding that he gets to choose what they do that night. By the end of the afternoon, when they're on their way back to the apartment, Blaine still hasn't finished finding a costume and Kurt is weighed down by bags. All in all, not a surprising result.
"So Noah, what would you like to do tonight?" Rachel asks as she lets them all in to the apartment.
"I wanna go out," Puck answers, "and I mean out, like a club or something seriously fun, because I'll be honest with you, it's nice hanging out with you and all, but I'll be damned if you aren't all boring as hell."
Rachel rolls her eyes, "You can't do much that's wild and crazy at two or three in the afternoon."
"This is New York City," Puck says. "You should be able to find wild and crazy at any hour, twenty-four-seven."
Blaine waves a hand, "I know a place we could go out to tonight."
"Anderson, you're on the right track," Puck points at him, then draws back the finger, "Wait, it's not a gay bar is it?"
"No," Blaine takes a turn at rolling his eyes.
Puck claps his hands, "It's a plan then."
Although it feels strange to be going out to a nightclub with her current group of companions, perhaps just because it's not really her scene to begin with, Rachel has high hopes for the evening. They share a cab to the club, but upon entering the building, Blaine and Kurt abandon them for the dance floor. Rachel is able to snag a table on the outskirts of the dance floor and she spends much of the evening there, chatting with Puck over drinks he was able to persuade a female bartender into serving him. Kurt and Blaine check in every so often and save the table when Rachel and Puck go to dance for a few songs. Most of the night, though, it's just Rachel and Puck huddled in close together so they can fit four chairs around the small table.
"I take back the boring comment I made earlier," Puck says midway through the night. A slow song is playing and Rachel can actually hear without straining her ears. "You're actually pretty cool to hang out with, Rachel."
"Thank you," Rachel says..
Puck has his arm draped over the back of her chair and when she turns her head to look at him, she realizes just how close they really are. Puck's eyes meet hers and she senses him inclining toward her. Even though she's a little tipsy and they have history, and he smells really good, her first instinct is to pull away.
"I'm still in love with Finn," Rachel blurts out as she leans back, out of the vicinity of Puck's face. She realizes what words just came out of her mouth and slaps a hand over it. "Oh my God, I did not just say that."
"But you did," Puck shoots her an ultra confident smile that confuses her, because she basically just rejected him in favor of the person she had left behind twice. "And you meant it too."
"I did, I do," Rachel sighs, "but it shouldn't matter. I broke up with him, and he's there, and you're here for—"
"—Finn," Puck finishes her sentence unexpectedly. "I'm here for Finn. He knew I was going to be here for that concert and he asked me to go see you. Put a good word in for him or something. I don't know. I figured a day to hang out to get you comfortable around me again and then today I would bring him up to see what you had to say. Then Kurt informed me that Finn's name is like a super no-no around you, and I had to go to Plan B."
Rachel frowns, "So you're not—you don't—"
"No," Puck shakes his head, "You're actually a bit of a pit stop before I head to New Haven."
A smile widens across Rachel's face and she raises an eyebrow, "Quinn?"
"We've had a standing agreement since summer. Her education comes first—can't exactly argue with that when she's at Yale—and if the long distance starts to interfere in either of our lives, we take a break and reevaluate," Puck explains. "But I love her, so, my decision has already been made not matter how difficult it is right now."
"How do you make it work?" Rachel asks.
"Like this," Puck shrugs, "I drive there to see her when I can. She comes home when she can. Sometimes she comes to Lima and only tells me that she's there—I like those weekends best," Puck smirks. "We talk everyday. If we can't talk, we text. We do what we can and the rest works itself out on its own."
"And that's enough?" Rachel asks. "You don't feel like you're missing out on anything? You don't worry about how long it'll last?"
"It's enough," Puck says. "It's enough because it has to be. A lot better than the alternative. Not having her at certainly wouldn't be enough. Listen to me, I sound like a sap. I'm not used to it Berry, this true love thing. You and Finn have had it for years, you got the whole feelings thing down. I know I'm not the sharpest tool and I don't have the words to really explain myself, but I sure as hell know that if she's gonna give me a shot then I'm holding on as tight as I can for as long as I can, no matter what kind of crap life wants to throw at us."
"I don't know if I could do it. I really don't think I can," Rachel rests her chin on her hand. "I broke up with him twice because I was afraid to risk it."
"Everyone is different. You gotta do what you gotta do," Puck says. "And I gotta leave tomorrow so I can see my girl."
"How does Quinn feel about you 'Plan B'?" Rachel asks a few minutes later.
"She doesn't know about Plan B," Puck says. "Let's keep it that way. If she asks, Plan A went off without a hitch. Besides, even if you hadn't stopped yourself, I would have. I'm not screwing this up this time."
Rachel never would have expected the night to go in this direction, but it gave her a lot to think about. When Puck leaves the next day, she sends him off with a sincere thank you and leaves what he reports to Finn to his discretion. She has decisions to make that no one else can influence.
VIII.
Like Quinn, Rachel doesn't want anything to interfere with her sense of purpose. She briefly decides that she is going to swear off any relationships until she has a Tony or a Grammy, whichever comes first. This vow isn't that hard to make since the only person she's dated since breaking up with Finn the first time, is Finn. When days pass, after Puck leaves, and she hears nothing from anyone involved, she isn't worried about Finn coming back into the picture until at least Spring Break, if even then.
Rachel is content with being alone. She will move on and marry herself to stardom. That is her option. That is her mantra: move on, move on, move on.
IX.
Rachel can't move on.
The reason, she concludes, is that she is fixated on boys from back home. It is Finn, or Jesse or Puck at whatever given moment she has arrived at. She is so glad that Blaine and Kurt are so committed and Blaine is forever certain in his sexuality now, or she might try to bark up that tree again—that's how crazy she feels. The solution is to find a boy—a new boy—that is not from Lima, not from Ohio, that has the advantage of living in New York.
So Rachel dates.
She agrees to dinner with a boy from one of her classes. He spends thirty minutes mulling over the menu while reading courses in different accents. She smiles politely at his amateur attempt at a French accent and forgoes dessert. She takes a cab home, solo.
Rachel dates some more.
She has coffee with two different guys. One spends more time fixing his coffee than he does talking to her. The other won't stop talking and she ends up timing how long he talks between breaths. Suffice to say, neither wins a second date.
Rachel dates one last time.
The last guy shows promise. He was the male lead playing opposite her in her final production of the semester. He takes her to dinner and engages in intelligent conversation. She lets him share her cab afterward and he gives her a chaste goodnight kiss. He invites her to a party a few nights later, thrown by one of his friends that is graduating. She limits herself to one drinking, knowing full well what happened the last time she was at a party with a member of the opposite sex. She shouldn't have worried. Her date is a gentleman. She rewards him with a make out session in a secluded corner as the night winds down. They go out a couple more times, doing couple-y things around the city. She begins to contemplate whether she is going to introduce him to her Dads when they arrive on their holiday in a few days, but when he takes her to an early Christmas party the night before her Dad's flight gets in and her Christmas present to him isn't herself wrapped in a pretty bow, he reevaluates their relationship.
Rachel is single again when she picks up her Dads from the airport the next morning. She resigns herself to ringing in the new year in the same fashion.
X.
Rachel's Dads have to bow out early on New Year's Eve. LeRoy had started to feel ill the night before but they met Rachel for lunch in the hotel restaurant anyway. When LeRoy can't stomach the smell of different foods wafting around the room, Hiram has to usher him back to their room. They insist that Rachel continue forward with her plans for New Year's and that they'll see her in the morning. Although resistant, Rachel eventually does as she is told.
Originally, Rachel had planned to take her Dads to Times Square to watch the Ball drop, but she has no intention of doing that now that she's on her own tonight. She has open invitations to a few parties her classmates are throwing but those also were not on the top of her list of things to do alone on New Year's Eve. She settles on watching the Ball drop on TV in her apartment. She would have joined her Dads at their hotel room, but until they are sure LeRoy has food poisoning and not something contagious, they won't let her come. She is sitting on her couch watching Seacrest do his bit as the clock ticks toward midnight, when there is a knock on the front door.
Rachel frowns as she gets up to answer the door.
"We're home!" Kurt calls out when Rachel opens the door. He and Blaine are framed in the doorway bundled in winter scarves and jackets and weighed down by luggage. "Happy New Year."
"You too," Rachel says. "What are you doing here?"
"We called your Dads to find out where you were at so we could surprise you before Midnight, but they told us you were here and lonely because LeRoy has a flu bug," Kurt explains as he and Blaine carry their bags inside.
Rachel starts to close the door but Kurt catches it and pushes it back open, "Wait! That's not all. We got you a belated Christmas gift."
"But you gave me your Christmas gift before you left for Lima," Rachel argues weakly as Kurt disappears back into the hall. She looks at Blaine, who has an excited grin on his face, "What did you—"
Her words catch in her throat as Kurt appears with her gift. Only Kurt would try to gift her with a person.
"Hey Rachel."
"Finn," Rachel breathes. "What are you doing here?"
"If you're going to believe Kurt, I'm a Christmas present he forgot to wrap apparently," Finn answers, "but I came because I have this New Year's resolution that I could only fulfill here."
"And what's your resolution?" Rachel asks.
"You," Finn answers. "My resolution is you—convincing you that we can do this and doing whatever it takes to show you that we can make this work even if that means moving here so that you can't use the distance as an excuse to break up with me again."
"Why would you do that Finn?" Rachel frowns. "You're doing so well in Lima. You have sports and school and you shouldn't give that up for anything any more than I should give up what I have here."
"That's why I'm having my credits transferred to a college here. I won't have football, but I'll have you and I'd say that's a win in my book," Finn smiles. "I've been accepted for Spring. I've been waiting for the perfect time to tell you, but I was afraid you had moved on for good. Then Puck said—"
"Finn, I-"Rachel starts.
Finn backtracks, "If you've moved on, just tell me. I'll understand. I want you to be happy, Rach. So if you've moved on, I'll...well, this won't have gone as planned, but I'll manage. If there's any chance that you've kept me in your heart, please say you'll let us try."
Rachel hesitates, takes a deep breath and surrenders to the compulsion to take away the heartbroken expression on Finn's face. "I told you Finn. You will always have a place in my heart. And if you can do all of this for me, completely rearrange your life, how can I say no?"
A smile spreads across Finn's lips, "I love you Rachel."
"I love you too, Finn."
Finn drops his bags to the floor and takes a few steps closer to Rachel. Rachel moves forward to meet him. He gently takes her hands in his and rubs his thumbs over her wrists. She steps into his arms and she is about to welcome a kiss, when Kurt calls out to them.
"I'm happy for you guys, and I don't mean to interrupt your moment, but it's almost midnight," Kurt points to the TV where the final minute of the year has began to wind down.
The four circle around the TV and they countdown the final ten seconds of the year as the Ball drops. 3, 2, 1...All around the city people are wishing each other a happy New Year. No matter what comes in the rest of the year, Rachel knows as she shares a kiss with Finn at midnight that she will finally be genuinely happy again. She had tried so hard to let go of her first love, that she blinded herself to the fact that he was also the great love of her life. She cannot deny any longer that they are meant to be. There is no other option. She wouldn't have kept him in her heart all this time if it wasn't supposed to be her and him. Wherever, in New York or Lima, they will be together and that is enough for Rachel to be deliriously happy, because now she gets to have all her dreams come true.
-fin-