A/N: This is a two shot. I was listening to One Republic sing, "Come Home" and I felt inspired.
It's EO, because it's always EO for me. It's set four months after the Season 12 finale so El is gone. This part is all his POV.
Hello world
Hope you're listening
Forgive me if I'm young
For speaking out of turn
There's someone I've been missing
I think that they could be
The better half of me
They're in the wrong place trying to make it right
But I'm tired of justifying
(Come Home – One Republic)
It's dark when he pushes the key in the door and pushes it open softly. The alarm beeps as he closes the door. Pressing his code in, he resets it and gently places his keys on the table in the foyer. He almost trips over a squeaky plush toy on his way to the stairs and mutters a string of expletives before picking it up and tossing it on the couch.
The stairs squeak slightly under his weight and the exhaustion begins to weigh in his bones. It had been a long night, his neck is stiff from hours in the car, and he just wants to collapse onto the bed. But first he opens the door to the corner bedroom and he's not surprised to see the little bed still made and empty. Shaking his head with a wry smile, he walks down the hall his hand gently turning to the knob.
Moonlight flits through the drapes and his heart swells as his gaze travels to the bed. Their bodies are curved inwards to each other, almost heart shaped.
Down like toffee colored curls were buried into the pillow, the stuffed giraffe tucked under one arm, the other fisted in the blanket.
He's just staring at them; the swell of pride constricting his chest. It's overwhelming and it makes a sweet ache spread through him. Her eyes flit open looking at him and he puts his finger over his lips and she smiles dreamily at him.
Quickly he strips down to his boxers and crawls in next to her, the smell of her hair invading his nostrils, "Good morning" she murmurs sleepily gazing at him under hooded lashes.
She's breathtaking, she's his, "Now it is" he whispers back leaning in to kiss her nose.
"Mmm' she says closing her eyes and curves towards him.
Wrapping his arms around her he feels the tension finally release from his muscles, "I love you Olivia"
He wakes up in a cold sweat, gasping for breath.
Swallowing hard he rubs his face trying to gain some clarity. He can hear Kathy's rhythmic breathing next to him and it makes the memory of the dream burn at his skin like acid.
It's not the first time she's invaded his dreams…and he knows that makes him a bigger bastard then he already feels he is. Slowly he climbs out of bed, making sure not to wake her, and pads downstairs to the fridge.
Cracking open a bottle of water he downs it in one shot.
The good solid Catholic guilt burns at his insides and he tries to shake it off….it's just an innocent dream, he just misses her.
That's how he explains dreaming of a life he'll never have with the woman that is not his wife.
As fucked up at is it; he almost wishes they were sex dreams. That he could easily shrug off as hormones because Olivia's fucking beautiful…but these, these are more damning.
They are so visceral, so real...and the worst part about it…when he wakes up; there is a sadness that crawls into his skin and spreads through his veins because he can still smell her hair, still feel his arms around her…but she's not there…and yet she's in every space inside of him. The spaces he's never let anyone else; those are the places she dwells in, and it's slowly killing him.
Tossing the bottle in the recycling bin he grabs a throw out of the linen closet, flips on the television and makes a bed on the couch. The sky is fading from black to blue when he finally falls asleep.
"Dadddddddddy" is how he is awoken two hours later with Eli hopping up on the couch with him, the remote in his hand, already turning his cartoons on.
"Morning buddy" he mutters sleepily pulling himself up.
"Morning!" he replies happily pulling a piece of the blanket over himself.
This is their morning routine and he knows that it's fucked up because his son thinks Daddy's bedroom is the living room.
OoO
The adrenaline courses through his veins as he moves up the staircase. Each step claps hard under his weight and his heart beats wildly against his ribcage as he gets closer to the door.
When he gets there he tries to catch his breath, it's been so long…too long.
He's thought of this moment every second of every day that he hadn't seen her and his mouth goes parched and as his fist raises he forgets all those well rehearsed words he had practiced.
A man answers, his height, short dark hair, blue eyes.
She's moved…fuck.
"Can I help you" the stranger asked with a good natured smile.
Shaking his head he tries to clear the fog, "I must…Olivia Benson, she used to live here"
The smile gets bigger, his eyes twinkle as he turns, "Liv, babe, it's for you"
Liv.
It's like a punch to the gut and he all he can hear is the rapid pace of his heart ricocheting against his eardrums.
When she appears she's radiant, glowing and then she sees him, "El"
Her hand rests at her burgeoning abdomen and he's fighting like hell to push oxygen into his lungs.
He's too late…it's too late.
He is shaking when he wakes, his stomach knotted and he feels like dry heaving. His sheets are twisted, half pulled off the bed and his head is in his hands. This dream, it feels like dying, like someone is slowly tearing your insides out as you simply forced to watch it all happen.
He's been sleeping in the guest room for months; Kathy doesn't ask…he doesn't say. They are going through the motions and he knows it's his fault. Physically he is here…in every other way he's trying to figure out who this man is living this life.
OoO
"I accepted a long time ago that you'd always be just a little bit in love with her"
He's sitting at the table, she's washing dishes, Eli is asleep. She looks tired and when she says it; there is no maliciousness or anger. It's like she's just checked out.
But he guesses it's only fair, since he did that a long time ago.
His mouth flails a bit and he tries to say something…anything.
Yet he just sits there staring at her. They've been married for over two decades, five children, but they are virtually strangers now. All the kids are gone, except Eli, and the ties that bound them had unraveled years ago.
"But, I told myself it was me you came home to…it was me who had your ring on her finger…it was me you chose a life with"
"Kath" he manages to get out as straggled and sputtered as it sounds.
Her hand comes up to stop him from speaking and he can't help but feeling a throbbing ache inside him. They had just been kids…and now she stands before him, the bags under her eyes, the light in her blue orbs dulled. He's done this to her, and he hates himself for it.
"You dream about her…you always have but, I thought that when you resigned…that you'd start living a life with me"
There is so much inside of him. He wants to curse, he wants to yell so loud that it reverberates off the walls, to throw the kitchen table into the wall but he just stands there gripping the kitchen table, his knuckles white as a ghost.
"Eli and I are going to my mom's" she tells him with sad resignation in her voice, "You don't have to leave right away but I think it would be best to tell the kids soon so that I…we can begin to move on"
He can feel the moisture pool in his eyes; it's been over…in their hearts but it doesn't make him feel any better. He failed…as a father, as a man, as her partner.
She walks by him, her arms crossed in front of her, tears wetting her cheeks but she stops in the doorway, "I don't regret it…anything. We had a good marriage, we have great kids"
When she leaves, he feels the salty tears on his lips and he feels the oddest mix of pain and relief.
OoO
"I really don't appreciate you being such a pig headed jealous asshole"
Groaning he rolls his eyes, "He was flirting with you, how the hell did you want me to act?"
Shaking her head she narrows his eyes. It's a familiar look and, he would chuckle if he didn't think she would kick his ass.
"El, he's my partner"
That kicked him in the gut and he scowled. He hated anyone else being her partner; he hated trusting another person to have her back, to sit across the desk from her and know what kind of tea she likes, or how she orders her eggs.
"I know" he says his teeth gritted tightly as he tries to rub the tension out of his neck.
Her face softens as she comes towards him, her cappuccino colored eyes twinkling. She lets out a playful exasperated sigh, "He's my partner...you're the man I love" she says blue eye meeting brown as her hands rise to his cheek, "Even if you act like a Neanderthal"
A smile spreads across his face. He loves her…and it's a different kind of love then he's ever experienced; it consumes him, brings him to the brink of his emotions…happiness, anger, ache, longing and he sometimes feels like he's teetering at the edge of madness.
And he wouldn't change it for anything.
"You know how much I love you" he tells her possessively, their eyes meeting in the way that says more than any words ever could.
"I know"
These mornings he wakes with a slow smile on his face, he feels like he's floating on air. The apartment is small, but cozy. It's been six months…the divorce is final today. It hurts. He would be lying if he said that there weren't moments where it felt like there was a boulder on his chest…but most of the time there was a certain semblance of peace he had searched so long for.
Kathleen had once told him she had a post it note on her mirror that read, "Today Is The First Day of the Rest of Your Life." He had laughed, it sounded like new age mumbo jumbo to him…but waking up this morning, he thinks he actually might understand it.
Because he's finally ready to live again…and he prays, if God's still listening, that it's a life with her.