Prologue

Inspired by the song "White horse" - Taylor Swift.

I was afraid it came too far and I was binding myself by any excuse to give back. But .. the game began again. I felt like I could have mastered me no more.

He opened his lips. The clenching was neither resistance anymore, nor surrender, just a coincidence of my longing.

.. it's hard to describe the emotion. A calm and still violent happiness, in front of which the soul cannot give battle. I was weak and he knew. He knew I couldn't resist.

I loved his passionate kiss, full of life, especially when it was the last. A perfect kiss, unruly, shrouded in mystery and shaped by your own lips, such as never before. His look was troubled and hungry with passion. It gave me shiver. I shuddered. It was that look that asked me to stay, to wait, but I needed to go. Anywhere hecould not follow me.

Then he spoke .. emphatically (affected), theatrically , forcing a vicious mask, to catch my attention.

"All I want is you!... "

I wished I could believe in his words as I had before. But it was too late for him to ask me to be as yesterday when he was the one that has changed. I didn't understand anything of what was happening. I didn't know what was in his head, what he wanted. I didn't understand why he acted that way when he were the one who left. I didn't understand why he wanted me back now and not once, when I actually was his. Maybe this is how he has always been - like the wind.

But I couldn't be that bad habit of his anymore. I didn't want to hear such garbage. I was tired of these tales with princes and princesses. I didn't need someone to disappoint me, as much as he had already did.

Things have changed and now he comes back to me. I realized he didn't even have any idea of what he wanted. I really didn't know how could he suddenly realize that he loves me and expect for me to start listening to promises that he would never keep.

The naivete said its word and now I realize the child I was around him. I woke up every single morning with a silly happiness, perhaps because I knew I was going to spend another day with him. It seemed that dreams become certainty, but it lasted too little and everything became like a nightmare. Then I felt a sharp pain as after a surgery, a surgery that has left a void in me. I thought I had no soul anymore.

I haven't cried, no. Why cry when there are enough people like him to hurt me, to disappoint me.

"Do you love me?"

"Yeah..."

"Can you give me another chance?"

I took one better look at my beloved man. I was missing him so much. But he – he wasn't him anymore.

...he remained the same, with the same innocent eyes he would melt everyone with and warm smile...In my memory... I never forgot how, in a moment, I could leave myself behind. A look or gesture betrayed me and made me loved, wanted, even understood.

It seemed all to become so clear when I held his hand for the first time. I knew there was something to come , but not such a strike. I never expected him to forget, to forget me. Not so early.

"I..."

If I could believe again the words that once tickled me, made me shiver with every syllable uttered. If I could believe in the sky in his eyes again, his red lips, in his shaded skin, warmed by the sun. If I could go there where I could feel his pulse, then warm up with his body's heat . If I could make him stop playing, be his lucky card, putting the chess pawn mat in front of all his decisions. If I could be where I never was, forget his pride and my rain, to see his sun beyond the ashy clouds in his blue eyes.
If I could...

"No..."

I missed him and, somehow, I knew I'd always do. I missed the joy in my soul which I had when I heard him, saw him, or just when I thought about him. And yet, I didn't miss missing him.

I was sick of that never ending unrolling : I watch as he goes, puzzled, I remain. Then I fall because he pushes me. Then he lies to me and I try to forget. And everything is a game. He sticks to his life rules, I stick to my regrets.

"Leaves fall and make up my way. You spread them again and i still hope to collect them. I'll leave now, leave everything behind, as you did, without realizing it. Don't expect nothing from me, don't you follow me, don't try to contact me. No more leaves, no more sun, no more me, no more you... there's no more us."

The words got out my troath with more easiness than I expected. My lips have barely curved in a dull smile.

"So isn't there any hope for US?" he talked, with that sweet innocent voice which once caught me in its soft melody.

"I don't know...," my too sincere answer made its way to my lips.

"Where will you go?" he asked, bowing his head, hiding his eyes in the shadow of his head.

"In the same places I've always been," I said with no hesitation.

"What kind of address is that?"

"The only one I know."

Then, I left. After all, he left first. Now, he's here again, but it's too late. And the evident question arises: For what?

What is before and what is after? What is too late and that too early?

I didn't ask for something, I didn't want anything, didn't believe in anything. I would never know him anymore, not even as a stranger who just looked at me before walking away. Nothing. Just nothing...

I wanted to write memories with him, to discover hidden feelings, other ones, long forgotten.

But, no matter what I'd do ...the feelings were rusted and photos remain empty without the TWO of us.

Despite the thoughts of catching the happiest moments of us in this book, I've decided to start this book with farewells : Farewell, my sweet love.