Any Colour You Like, a d.gray-man fanfic

AN: A little drabble which I started a while ago as somewhat canon-based to the most part, and finally finished especially for the LaviYu Day! Stay tuned, and next year's festival will be all the bigger and better! HAPPY LAVIYU DAY, YOU GUYS! : D

Depending on the translation, in chapter 151, Kanda says either "You don't have to do this", or "Stay close". They have quite a similar "I don't want anything bad to happen to you" meaning, so I simply went with the latter since it's nicer sounding. XD Also, Kanda talking random weird shit while trying to confess is win, so I tried to use it here as well.

Summary: Lavi gives him colors, Kanda gives him stability, and they both simply need each other. Mild LaviKanda / KandaLavi.

Disclaimer: DGM belongs to Katsura Hoshino. The title belongs to Pink Floyd. That song is instrumental though. The lyrics here, however, are created by me.

ANY COLOUR YOU LIKE

Lavi gave him colours. He didn't want to admit it, but it was so. He had the childish joy and the devastating seriousness both, something that Kanda's gloomy, worn-off, routine-filled gray world lacked. Kanda was truly grateful for it, and he himself without knowing gave Lavi the appreciation of stability, which was so unlike the redhead's careless, one-day-butterfly demeanour which could change as easily as the wind. But of course, Kanda didn't tell that to him, nor anyone, just kept it for himself, cherishing and fearing it, and trying to forget.

It was just how Kanda was.

There was a time when he had tore a piece of paper off his report book while on a long train ride, and scribbled down, 'Lavi, my sun.' He was already used to going on missions with the latter, and yet now he was send out by himself, and he could feel the darkness of his own already creeping into the compartment, and there was no one to scare it away. And he pulled his legs up onto the seat, somehow recalling the childish belief that ghosts can't reach you if you don't touch the floor, and held onto the sheet of paper, rereading it under his nose, and when he finally understood what he was doing he got angry at himself and ripped the paper to small pieces, so that no one could ever see it.

It stayed with him for all time though, the phrase written by his rather big, slightly untidy handwriting, and it would float out in front of his eyes when he would need sunshine to aid him out of the world of curses and darkness, and the shadows would subside.

Because it said all that he wanted to say.

And so he could keep silent.

He watches Lavi fight, secretly doing his best to protect him even if he would never admit it. "Go on ahead," he says, and he unleashes the hellish creatures onto them all, but he simply wants them to get out of there because he knows it will get ugly, a lot worse than any injury he could cause them by this. He wants Lavi to get out of there.

And in the midst of a hopeless battle, holding a worthless piece of metal while his Innocence is still shattered, he doesn't notice that he is Lavi's inspiration, and he simply wants to tell him to get the fuck away while he still can, but it doesn't happen. Lavi is determined and stands back-to-back to him, and he knows he won't be able to yell him away. "Stay close," he just says instead, ready to lay another petal protecting the redhead if it was needed. They fight side by side, both knowing the other's style and expectations so well over the years, and in the end they survive what is a victory against these odds. Lavi watches Kanda with admiration, knowing that if it wasn't for him, he would have simply stood there frozen with shock, but now he found it in himself to fight, at least with a simple flagpole...even it was something so rash that only Kanda could have been expected to do.

They once again exchange looks after the battle is long over, but neither of them says anything. Because there's too much to be said.

Lavi, my sun. I want to keep your colours with me. Kanda doesn't yet know everything about the Bookmen, but he doesn't want Lavi to go. He knows enough. He knows that his pained world becomes easier to bear when the redhead is next to him. He might hate the Order for all that he was forced to go through, but some people make it feel like home now. Especially Lavi, no matter how annoying he is, who stuck with Kanda through thick and thin, at first pretending, then trusting, and eventually needing, the friend who was there not needing any special or 'nicer' treatment in return, and in the end they both understood that this was exactly why they clicked together so well. Kanda doesn't want to see his purpose as a mere fighting tool how the Order had intended him to be, and even if he hates feelings, he accepts it as it comes to him. And that strange something that Lavi makes him feel, makes him feel like he's becoming human.

Any colour you want, Yu. As long as you're there, I can keep being myself. Lavi doesn't yet know about the Lotus nor That Person, but his wary eyes notice Kanda's strange healing abilities and the fact that they are becoming defunct. He wants to know it all, but he doesn't want Kanda to die. There's still so much life in front of them, and having spend all his life watching battles, he still doesn't understand how could someone see battle as their life. He doesn't want to believe in feelings, yet he starts to anyway, and he feels like he's becoming human. The more he talks with the samurai, the more he finds out, and in the end they both learn that love can make one's world so much more whole. Lavi isn't sure why did he choose to stick around Kanda in the first place, but as years passed, he understood that he could have never made a better choice. Kanda was loyal, something Lavi never was but wanted to be, and he now knew that he wanted to never betray Kanda, too.

Lavi can't have a heart, because he's the future Bookman and he understands attachments will give him trouble. Kanda doesn't want to have a heart, because he is going to die and he doesn't want to hurt those who might become close to him. Yet when next to each other, they find themselves both growing a heart, and it doesn't hurt. Not yet. Actually it's perfect, Lavi thinks bitterly, as after Kanda dies he can leave with no fear of ever falling in love again. So very convenient, Kanda thinks drearily, as Lavi will become a Bookman and not grieve over anyone after he dies.

Eventually, their colours will fade. Lavi will still leave, and Kanda will still die. And yet the dark future is still far ahead, and they can't stop themselves from enjoying each other's company. The feeling of belonging somewhere... to someone.

Kanda is the one who decided to take the first step, yet until now he keeps the oath to murder Lavi if he ever tells anyone how awkward it was.

One day he simply understood that he had to let the redhead know what he means to him. And the first thing that comes to his mind when he thinks Lavi, is always what he wishes he had, and what he needs: Colours. Sun. Warmth.

He opens his mouth to say 'Oi, Idiot,' but it doesn't fit with what he wants to say. He wants to kick himself because of his strangled tone when he finally manages to force out a "Hey, ... Lavi." as he catches the redhead in the hallway.

The redhead cocks an eyebrow, his signature grin still plastered on his face, though now a genuine smile seems to be visible through it. "What is it, Yu?"

Kanda twitches lightly but lets it slide. It's not like he's not used to be called that by now, and it isn't really that annoying anymore, he just likes to get irritated on principle. "I need to tell you something."

Lavi has a curious expression as Kanda leads him away, and he briefly ponders what could this be about; it couldn't be anything that he could wish for, he decides. After all, Kanda Yu doesn't like anyone. When Kanda speaks again, his frown is deeper than usual, his eyes avoid Lavi's, and overall he just seem somewhat nervous, what immediately strikes Lavi as something utterly unusual.

"You know, how there are... colours," Kanda starts, mentally hitting himself as there's no way Lavi could know what 'colours' means in the samurai's vocabulary. Kanda Yu, who isn't even afraid of death, feels freezing horror when he has to talk about his feelings. Lavi stares at him, dumbfounded, and he tries to continue, his throat becoming dry for some reason. He tries to connect it with something that's familiar to him, and garden inevitably arises in his mind. "Colourful flowers... and there are.. bleak flowers..."

"Mhm..." Lavi drawls thoughtfully, and Kanda doesn't have to be a genius to understand that he doesn't even begin to follow.

"The... blank ones. They might be sad because they don't have colours, right? Damn, I mean, would they be happier if they were growing next to-"

"Are you feelin' okay, Yu?" Lavi asks with concern and places his hand over Kanda's forehead. The samurai slaps his hand away with a snarl.

"Are you even listening?"

"Yes Yu, I think you're havin' trouble with fillin' your flower garden, but I really ain't the one you should- OW!"

Lavi rubs his smacked head as he watches Kanda storm away, unsure of what he might have said wrong.

Afterwards, when he tells Lenalee Kanda was acting weird and talking about flowers, she looks shocked, drops the coffee tray and runs to Kanda's room with her Innocence activated. Lavi can't manage to catch up to her. She talks with Kanda behind closed doors for quite a while, and when she walks out, she hits the redhead as well.

"Oh Lavi, you're such an idiot sometimes!"

"Huh?" Lavi blinks and watches her walk away. It couldn't be?.. Oh well. If he doesn't risk it now, he'll never know, he thinks, and squeezes himself into Kanda's room.

Lavi is the one who decided they needed that relationship. When he finally figured out the reason behind Kanda's seemingly meaningless delirium, he didn't doubt it for a moment. It had already been too much, and stopping now wouldn't change anything. It wouldn't make him any more like a Bookman, not anymore. And even when they finally share their secrets, nothing changes. They just want to use their remaining time together, because they know it might be the best time they had ever had.

Lavi knows that Kanda has it, has what he needs to stay sane, to stay himself, and he watches Kanda with adoration as he gives the redhead what his heart craves, what Lavi truly wants but cannot achieve: Stability. Home. Harmony.

In a sudden flash of inspiration, he quickly scribbles down lines with trembling hand, and he doesn't even notice when his muse, in the shape of the black-haired samurai, walks up to him and glances over his shoulder.

"You're working too much again, Lavi," his calm tone reproaches. The redhead nearly jumps and quickly folds the piece of paper, so the other wouldn't see it.

"Yeah, sorry." He turns to Kanda and looks at him for a few moments. "Yu...there's somethin' I need to show you..."

That evening they go out to watch the stars in their usual spot in the forest, not far away from where Kanda usually trains. It's their secret place; Lavi used to come there to work on hot summer days, and now it's their sanctuary.

The hugest tree has a 'Lotus + Rabbit' carved on it within a weirdly curved shape that's supposed to represent a heart. Kanda was very mad about it, but Lavi did it anyway. Just because. The words were chosen by purpose - even if someone one day wanders here, they will have no idea what it means. Because the Order would not approve if they knew.

Because no one must ever know.

Because only that way they can stay together.

"Do you think they see us?" Lavi asks, looking up at the stars dreamily, and Kanda punches his ribs for once again being so damn romantic. He would never agree that he was thinking just the same thing.

The flowers around them are closed for the night.

"Colours, Yu, colours." Lavi grins as now he knows what it is supposed to mean, and Kanda glares away a bit awkwardly, however doesn't move away from Lavi's grip. "I'll be any colour you want. For you. 'Cause I love Yu." He pecks his hair; Kanda replies with a disapproving grunt, though the lack of violence afterwards is as clear as normally a loving reply would be to Lavi. He knows better than to expect something like that from the Japanese.

"Che. Just be honest, moron. Be yourself."

"I am myself," Lavi sighs with a smile and barely keeps himself from cuddling into the samurai's shoulder as he knows it would cost him a black-eye. "I've no idea why, but your presence seem to cut off my ability to lie pretty well."

Kanda snorts but doesn't comment this time. After a while, he mumbles a single word "Sunshine", and Lavi's single visible eye gleams with joy.

"Any time, Yu," he says and smiles widely, hugging the older male who twitches in return but surprisingly doesn't hit him.

The summer nights seem so short.

As they head back, Lavi hands Kanda a folded letter. His eye is full of emotions Kanda is not sure he can comprehend, but he understands.

"Yu...if we ever get separated, I want you to read this. Not earlier. If it ever must happen...open it."

Kanda looks at him a bit surprised but then sighs and puts the envelope into his pocket. "You and your romantic nuisances," he grumbles, but then his look softens a bit. "Sure."

They go back to the castle holding hands, only letting go at the gate, and as usually, heads to Kanda's room.

Kanda waits until Lavi falls asleep and gets up silently, tugging himself out of the latter's grip. He's a bit disappointed in himself, but at the same time he's impatient and curious, and so he folds out the paper and reads it.

Lavi's handwriting is a bit uneven and childish like Kanda's, but unlike his, it's also compact and clear. Short lines, forming up five paragraphs... Kanda reads it, and his expression starts softening. He stares at it for a while, then carefully folds it and puts it back into the drawer, into the same silk bag as the hourglass with the lotus is in. His eyes glitter a little as he blows out the candle, and in the darkness, he makes his way back to the bed. He lays down silently, a barely visible smile playing in one corner of his lips, before covering both of them with the blanket at the same time, almost gently, placing his arm around Lavi. This is the both of them, the final being that doesn't lack anything. Closeness. Trust. Love.

They're happy now, and he hopes that the day he should have read the letter will never come.

the call of war invades the land

no time for love no time to cry

they send them hateful frightened looks

while never caring why

distorted thoughts that call for peace

when life is taken on a whim

and no one ever understood

because he loved another him

he called for him and once again

he tried to save him from his time

but bloody history he beared

created unforgiving line

believer's thoughts that call for warmth

through will and faith they always win

and they don't care for other them

nor if their love is called a sin

he saves him once, he saves back twice

and they believe in happy end

because no matter what they say

he still loves him more than a friend

THE END