Episode 1
Side A: Araremashite, Hajimemashite
It was supposed to be a routine harmonics test. The prototype had been recently repaired and upgraded. It was built to be a workhorse, to compliment the test type's offensive design specifications. It was supposed to be docile, quiet, like its pilot.
The exact opposite of that was occurring. It was currently trying to violently crush the pilot inside of itself. The roaring probably wasn't good either. Unit 00 was always...temperamental.
"We're not going to get anywhere if you don't open up, you know," the female pilot says, scratching at her short blue hair in consternation.
Punching. New body gives new strength.
"Violence is never the answer."
Rage. Hatred. Betrayal.
"I guess this time will have to be an exception."
Kill. Kill the one who wears her face, that stole him again.
"Commander, I'm going in."
Intruder. Like lamb to the slaughter.
"Oh how right you are," the girl says as she loses her self. There is a mass of anger, formless screaming female faces and grasping limbs. A squadron of hands clutch every part of her, massing around her neck. It absorbs the girl into itself; it has won. It will take bloody satisfaction. It will-
There's a bright flash, brighter than the sun, brighter than anything you've ever seen before. The rogue machine shrieks in pain and horror; its very being torn asunder. Once the light subsides, the previously orange paint job has become a calming blue. The being rams its head into a wall, trying to force the taker of its essence out. It is a vain effort, it thinks with its last sense of self. The power runs dry and it slumps over, defeated.
"Pilot status?"
"Fine and dandy," a soft voice says with careful meter. Internal displays show no sign of life, either within the cockpit or within the beast. "Oh, I seem to have dissolved my sense of self again. One moment please." A solitary voice sings out in soprano, from everywhere and nowhere. With a crack like thunder and a wet, sucking noise a strange sort of girl appears within the control room.
"You know sending false positives like that gives the system hell, First," a bottle blonde bathing suited biologist grouses. Damn showoff abominations of God and nature.
"Oh, really," the First says, looking back at her with blood-red eyes. "I wasn't aware." She turns to salute an older gentleman; full of beard and grim of demeanor. He gives her a brisk nod and she falls into a more relaxed pose.
"Is the matter settled?"
"I believe so," the girl says with a weak smile. "She knows her proper place on the pecking order."
The man steps towards her, glasses glinting. He is a monolith to her; great and imposing. A hand reaches out to her; if she were normal she would flinch. But she's not, so she doesn't. Quite the opposite in fact, as she steps underneath to let him muss her hair.
"Atta girl, Rei."
~!
"This is absurd! You're entrusting two of our destroyers to a little girl?" a grizzled older gentleman laments. He has been a proud Captain for years, entrusted with the safekeeping of the United Nations coalition navy fleet. His was the mightiest thing upon the sea, and some toeheaded brat wanted to use them for explosives?
"That little girl is one of the saviors of humanity," a young female voice shoots over the radio. "A savior that at least remembers to turn off the radio channels when she badmouths people, schissekoph." The captain grinds his teeth a little at her impudence.
"Now, now, it's not nice to taunt your guests," a roguish looking fellow says over the captain's shoulder. The girlish squeal could blow sensitive equipment out.
"But Kaaaaaji, these old fuddy-duddies started it," the girl whines, fiddling with the butterfly controls in her cockpit. "You think they'd know that antiquated arms are no match for a giant robot's strength."
"You need them as much as they need you," he says, chuckling. "The Evas aren't very good swimmers."
"Don't say stuff like that," she cries, "You'll jinx it!"
"Sir, radar's picking up something huge, six o' clock!" The sentence is barely out of his mouth before the ship shakes under the massive disturbance. A great, sharklike fin bobs up and down, slicing through water like it was air. Shots fly towards the target, strike inches above the fin. They seem to literally hit air, as if there was an invisible wall.
"The hell is going on?" the captain roars, slamming his hand on the control panel. "All ships, prepare for another barrage!"
"Are you guys retarded or something?" the girl asks mockingly, adjusting her fashionable red hair clips. The connection had to be perfect or else she wouldn't be able to play as hard. "That's not going to work on an Angel."
Before the flagship can catch its bearings, another shock rocks it. This one isn't from below, but from above; a glorious red warrior awakens from its slumber. Protective tarp wrapped around it like a traveler's cloak, it stands with its hands on its hips.
"Hey Kaji," the girl says, absentmindedly twirling a Progressive Knife in the machine's right hand. "If I kill this thing in under a minute, you're buying me swimsuits. Slutty ones."
Kaji chokes a little, covers it with a cough. "Sure thing baby doll."
"You know I don't like you calling me that," she pouts, the rising target tracked in her peripheral vision.
"Right, right," he says, slipping out unnoticed behind the on-edge command crews. "Well, I have business to attend to, so knock 'em dead Asuka."
"It's showtime," she sings. She's grinning from ear to ear now; a long gash has already been torn across the underbelly of the marine beast. The blood rains on her from overhead, a little disgusting, but pretty cool. The monster flops into the water with a screech, rolls underneath the ship for easier targets. Asuka follows in hot pursuit, skipping from ship to ship like the world's most badass game of hopscotch. She leaps when it leaps, catches it on the fin and mounts it like a pony. A pony who's mouth is being forced open by a red-armored mecha.
"Dear lord, it's coming right for us!" a senior technician shouts, beside himself with terror. His subordinate merely shrugs; he had heard of the Second Child's antics beforehand. Thank god for lifeboats.
"Alright boys, prove me wrong!" Asuka shouts with childlike glee. "All cannons aim straight for the shiny thing in its mouth!" As it flies towards the waiting barrels of the military-industrial complex, the beast suddenly realizes that it should have listened to its mother. "Let's pop that cherry."
The terror from the deep is riddled with cannon fire, torn apart in big, bloody chunks. It crashes onto the deck, taken from its element and swimming in a sea of crimson. It gasps and thrashes for agonizing moments, the healing process not going nearly fast enough for its tastes. The object of its desire is so close, so tantalizingly close. He could be complete, he could win right here and now.
"Oh man, you're still alive?" Asuka asks, looking over the battered body. "Well, at least I get to try this out." She sends her mecha into the air, curling it into a ball. At the apex of its jump, it makes one last rotation before falling to the earth like a red comet, foot outstretched.
The beast realized it could have won, but that moment has passed. It does not know the term "boned", but that seems to fit its state right now.
"Super! Inazuma! KICK!"
The red-armored mecha crashes through tie core of the fallen Angel, turning it into powder. The kick tears through the hull of the ship, burning a gaping hole from top to bottom. It gets pushed back from the impact, and the massive underwater explosion doesn't help matters. The blast sends the mecha skywards, makes it crash into one of the designated dummy ships.
"36 seconds," Asuka says, pointing at a helicopter with her mecha's hand. "I won't let you forget."
~!
He had never seen so many [REDACTED]s in his life. The most recent letter his parents had sent him had more black bars than a censored sex tape, but the message came through loud and clear.
They needed him.
They had sent him away years ago, for his own safety, they said. The laboratory wasn't a proper place to raise a child, they said. They wanted only the best for him, only wanted him to have a normal life. Unfortunately, the words "normal" and "only child of Yui and Gendo Ikari," go together like oil and water.
He never got a moment's peace in Mabase, between children thinking he was a giant robot pilot and the intermittent whirring of the giant iron in the middle of town. His self-effacing demeanor and distressingly girly appearance engendered a great protective instinct in the womenfolk; his friends half-jokingly said he'd make a better girl, he was so moe.
The fact that he looked really good in a dress didn't help matters.
That didn't matter anymore, because he was needed. It was his turn to protect something, to fight instead of be fought over. He had his chance to prove he wasn't a buttmonkey. More importantly, Shinji Ikari had a chance to see his father again. The thought of their tearful reconciliation buzzed through his head, the forefront of a maelstrom of boyish enthusiasm. Would there actually be a giant robot? Would those sleepless hours sunk into Burning EVA cabinets pay off? Was the girl on the postcard really that easy?
That last one really stuck with him, especially with the only uncensored word on his father's letter being "COME". Oh he came, alright, he thinks guiltily. He shifted in his seat, dirty thoughts were no good. It didn't stop him from making dirty jokes, or exploiting his non-aggressive demeanor for maximum perversion, but the concept was there. He could see himself tearing up around the girl on the postcard, angling for sympathy, and getting a faceful of marshmallow glory.
There was a solid example of the promised land getting on the train right now; all hips and lips and bursting with flavor. Now was the time for a little warmup. He waits for the right time, for the girl to pass by. He drops his cell phone, bends over with a nervous giggle, and looks up into paydirt. The sight is almost too much to bear, he didn't notice her stockings created a near perfect Absolute Territory.
"B-bell peppers?" he stammers.
"Nice, aren't they?" the girl says, catching him in the act. He flips out, and scuttles out from under her. Blue-green eyes look down from red half-rimmed glasses.
"I-I didn't mean to," Shinji swears, lying through his teeth. "Honest!"
"It's okay," the girl says, holding out an upturned palm. "If you give me 1000 yen."
"1000 yen? That's extortion! That's insane! That's-"
"The standard fare for seeing my panties," she says, plopping down in Shinji's seat. "Be glad I remembered to wear underwear today, or it would've been 100000." She sniffs the air tentatively, gives him an odd look which Shinji returns.
"Did you just sniff me?"
"Yeah," the girl says with a shrug. "You smell important. Like some sort of hero or something." She grins. "You headin' to NERV?"
"No," he lies, "I don't even know what that is."
The girl gets out of his seat and stretches out. "Aw, too bad. I like NERV puppies." She gives him a sideways glance. "Hopefully the next time I see you isn't at the end of the world, nya?" With that, she walks away into the women-only car; leaving our intrepid hero confused and a little aroused.
"...The fuck was that?"
~!
The wonderful thing about being in a bunker built underneath the earth, tasked to defend humanity from unknown and unknowable enemies is that the vending machines are always well stocked. When there's a good chance that the next world-ending Kaiju will keep the personnel trapped like incredibly angsty rats, one better have enough canned coffee and processed snack treats to take the edge off of an entire staff's meaningless existences. Nothing calms the nerves after playing God like a nice, safe, prepackaged snack treat. Just ask head of Project E, Ritsuko Akagi; currently downing a bottle of Oolong tea like it contained the antidote. Or very strong spirits.
"Seriously, Ritzy, what the fuck just happened there?" Misato asks, sipping from her hip flask.
"You say that like it has a scientific explanation," she responds, placing the cool bottle against her forehead. For a genius-level intellect, she was staring down more and more things that just did not make sense. How was the First able to speak without vocal cords, for example?
"So we've found something even Doctor Poindexter can't figure out?" Misato says with a coy smile.
"Yes, the biologist has no idea how a human being can seemingly violate the concept of relativity," Ritsuko responds icily. "I know it isn't as mentally taxing as remembering what parts of a bikini cover which parts of the body, but us simple people have our simple dillemas."
"That was one time!" Misato grumbles, deflating slightly. Ritsuko gives her a pointed look. "...I was drunk."
The bottle-blond massages her shoulder, lets some of the tension out. "When aren't you drunk? You know you have to pick up the Third today, right? With a car?"
"I totally drive better after a few drinks and you know it."
Ritsuko leafs through the folder under her arm. "10 counts of Driving Under the Influence, 6 counts of Disturbing the Peace," she gives Misato a knowing look, making the Major shrink a little. "3 counts of Public Indecency, 2 counts of Attempted Vehicular Manslaughter, one count of actual Vehicular Manslaughter."
"That girl was an Angel!" Misato blurts, thrusting an accusatory finger.
"You try telling her family that," she sighs, as she searches for the Third's dossier. "Although thanks to a little 'persuasion' from Section Two, they ever so graciously looked the other way." She spends a moment looking at a picture of a mousy girl with glasses; a Megumi or Mayumi or something. "They even donated her body to science." She flips past the file, "Such nice people."
Misato groans, flinging her hands up in a dismissive manner. "That's the thing! It's not like we don't have the town under our thumb, so I don't see how the laws apply to me." She puts on an impish face, cocks her hips. "I'm leading the charge against monsters that want to kill us, so if I hit a few things...or people, it's okay as long as we win!"
Ritsuko's already halfway out the door. "Just pick up the Commander's little bastard." She gives her one last look, like a mother who knows her daughter's going to shoot her eye out with a BB gun no matter what she says. "Try not to kill anyone this time."
Side B: And Now For Something Completely Different
That strange girl with the bell pepper panties didn't show up again, much to Shinji's delight and mild disappointment. Normally those kinds of girls ask for money for certain services, not simple fanservice. She was cute though, not as good as the girl on the postcard, but certainly better than some he could name. Like his former tormentor; all bluster and fury and red-hot embarrassment. She was the reason he knew he didn't look all that bad in a dress, she was the reason that even people who liked him called him stupid, she was…getting off the train right across from him. He whips about in a panic, looking for a place to hide, hoping that she didn't see him.
"Stupid Shinji!"
Well bollocks to that plan. He plays cool, pretends he didn't hear anything.
"Hey, look at me!" the red devil pouts. "I know you can hear me!"
In response, Shinji begins to pick up the pace, hoping to make it into the crowd of people before that girl can catch up. His panic turns the walk into a jog into a mad dash to the outside world, to freedom. He sees the light at the end of the tunnel, is almost into the tunnel itself. Just a little further, just a little-
"Too slow." He can hear the smugness; picture the dirty little smile in his mind's eye. He sees the ground rush at him rapidly, curls into a ball to soften the impact. He's done this song and dance before, knows the steps by heart. The girl pitches forward, yellow and white flashing at the periphery of his vision. She catches herself with a single hand and wheels into a three point stance; copper bangs obscuring everything on her face but a vicious grin. Shinji scrambles to his feet, but is half a step too slow; the girl jumps him, wraps a wiry arm around his head and noogies him with her free arm.
"Aw man, cut it out Asuka," the very much trapped Third groans, flinching at the friction.
"Is that any way to greet a friend you haven't seen for two years?" she says, squeezing him tighter. "You'd think someone as hard up as you would be more appreciative of some German confection in their lives."
"I would, if you didn't assault me every time!" Shinji fires back as he slips his head out of the girl's grasp.
"Oh ho, that's a new escape," Asuka says, mildly impressed. "Maybe you're not as stupid as you look." Shinji's already gone at this point, having slipped into the crowd. Asuka tsks, and then follows in hot pursuit. The kid's already gotten a good head start on her, that plus the crowd density makes it hard to track him. Well, it would, if he weren't so damned polite. She follows the trail of displaced, conciliatory people like breadcrumbs; the hunter smelling blood. He's sitting on a bench, the movement of his shoulders shows he's breathing heavily. Poor bastard thought he could win. She sneaks up on him, footsteps made with catlike tread. The distance closed between them, she leaps like a tiger taking a hare. He came close, but nobody beats the Great Asuka Sohryu…
"You're not nearly as stealthy as you think you are," Shinji says; bending back, watching the surprised Sohryu sail overhead. Normally, this would be embarrassing enough for the Second Child; outsmarted by an obviously inferior person. Normally, she would hit the ground, skin her knee, and flash her panties; a textbook case of "insult to injury". Normally, Misato Katsuragi would park on the curb, instead of hopping it.
But this is Eva, nothing ends up normal.
If she was more privy to the workings of her own series, Asuka would muse on that as she pancakes into the Renault Alpine's windshield. Since she's not, all she can think about is how much getting hit by a car hurts.
Sometimes, the phrase is better rendered as "injury to insult".
"Jesus Christ!" Misato yells, stopping the car and checking for damages. "When did deer start taking trains?"
Shinji takes a quick glance downwards to the postcard in his hand, then looks back to boggle vacantly at the current shenanigans. "That wasn't a deer," he says with consternation, "That was my friend."
"What was your friend doing in the middle of the street?"
"I think the better question is what are you doing in the middle of the sidewalk?"
Misato looks around, notices the gathering crowd of onlookers. She probably couldn't say this one was an Angel, it would be too suspicious. So she flashes her stationary, complete with the classic NERV logo. The onlookers disperse, expecting nothing less from their insane saviors.
"Hey, you're not going to call the cops or anything, right?" Misato asks, cozying up to Shinji. She leans over just enough to put her prodigious melons at eye level; if it works for the Tokyo-3 police, it should work for a teenage boy.
"N-n-no," he stammers, fighting back the urge to partake of the low hanging fruit. He fumbles with his postcard before holding it up to Misato; turning away from it as if it was a blast shield. "Are you Misato Katsuragi?"
"No, I'm Makoto Kusanagi," she says flatly, before giggling at her own joke. "Yeah, I'm her. Guessing you're the Third Child?"
"Him? The Third?" Asuka says weakly, the initial shock of getting hit by a car replaced by the shock of Shinji getting to be important for anything.
"Did you hear something?" Misato asks. Shinji shakes his head no. She shrugs. "Must've been the wind." She points to the car, "Get in, I wanna get back before Ritzy hears any crazy rumors about me running over somebody."
"But you did run over somebody," Shinji says tentatively. Misato gives him a cheery smile and points her holdout pistol at him. "I didn't see anything if you didn't see anything," he corrects himself, rigid. Misato puts the gun away and gets in the car, Shinji follows suit. Before he can close the door, Asuka drags herself inside; her yellow sundress torn and smudged. She glares at him, to which Shinji shrugs.
"She has a gun," he says matter of factly.
"I'll give you this one, Stupid Shinji," Asuka says, cradling one arm. "But only because you got help from Katsuragi."
"Oh, hey Asuka," Misato says breezily, looking into the backseat. "When did you get here, and why are you so dirty looking?"
"Hello to you too, you drunken harlot," she says with a wincing grin.
"Still the same ever-bleeding bitch, eh?" Misato retorts with a catlike smile. "Kaji must've worked you out good if you can take getting totally not hit by a car and keep on ticking."
"You would know about taking on more than any modest woman should, Katsuragi," Asuka replies, falling back in her seat.
"Well I had to do something," she responds, starting up the car. "It's not like Kaji is known for his stamina. Or his technique."
"My Kaji is a goddamned sex machine and you know it!" Asuka blurts, blushing hotly.
"He's also a pedophile, given your glowing recommendation of him."
Asuka blushes harder, shakes her head vigorously in the negative. "I-it's not like that!" She pushes her pointer fingers together and puckers her lips. "Although I do wish he'd go pedo for me," she murmurs, eyes casted downwards.
"I assume you two know each other," Shinji says, taken aback by the rapid-fire quippery.
"Are you retarded or something?" Asuka says, shooting him a dirty look. "She's the operations director of NERV, of course I know her. I'm an Eva pilot, dumbass, she worked me through basic training."
"So that's what you meant when you said 'I'm off to train'," he says, enlightened.
"What did you think I meant?"
"It was that time of the month," Shinji says with a shrug, "Or you were a chronic masturbator or something." That earns him a smack on the head.
"Asshole, don't confuse me with you and your dirty, dirty ways!" Asuka roars, blushing a little.
"Hey, it's a natural thing for young people to do," Misato says nonchalantly, the Alpine rhythmically swerving. "Relieves stress, unwanted tension. Had to teach the First how to do it, which was a challenge." She takes a turn like it's the Indy 500 and seemingly cuts off a guy just for living. "It took an hour to convince her she didn't just die." She suddenly becomes pensive. "Although I don't think LCL is supposed to come out normally." Her meditation is cut short by the sounds of gunfire and the roar of jet engines.
Shinji flinches, curls into himself like a turtle. "What the hell was that?"
Asuka presses herself against the window like an eager puppy. "It's showtime, that's what!"
Misato sighs, and then puts the pedal through the metal. "Ritzy's gonna be pissed, isn't she?"
~!
She was late.
She was late with the Third Child.
She was late, and it was ruining his current scenario.
Gendo Ikari rubs the back of his neck, taps his foot impatiently. Katsuragi was supposed to be here by now with the Second and Third; everything was set to the second that the Third Angel, the firstborn scion of mankind's enemy's arrival. They were supposed to arrive with just enough time to convince the boy to pilot the Eva, cut away everything he had known and force him onto death ground. Not to toy with his emotions or anything, he wasn't that petty. It was merely to ensure that he wouldn't vacillate, had the moral fiber to endure the hardship of Eva.
He had contingencies, he always did. The Second was impetuous and eager to prove herself; if anything were to happen to Rei in Unit 00's testing, she would make a suitable enough backup given the Third's rejection. Unfortunately, she also wasn't present. Fortunately, nothing untoward happened to Rei. If it came right down to it, Rei would be willing to give her life for the mission. Several lives, in fact.
"Rei, you will be sortieing in Unit 01," he says, adjusting his glasses.
"Wasn't that the Third's job?" Rei asks, tilting her head.
"It would be, but some of our members aren't as," Gendo pauses, "...Punctual as they should be."
"Ah. Did you not compensate for Major Katsuragi's tardiness in your scenario?"
Gendo coughs, face falling. "Of course I did." He puts a hand on Rei's shoulder. "You were my original choice, anyway."
"You're just saying that to ensure my loyalty," Rei says demurely, the hint of a blush playing stronger on her stark white skin.
"I do have that, don't I?" he says, more of a command than a request. Rei nods briskly, clicks her heels together. "Good. Do me proud."
She takes Gendo's hand in hers, stares up at him with the determination of one who is crazy to die. "I will not fail you." She brings her head to his hand, nuzzles it with her cheek, and turns away; walking briskly up to the entry plug.
Gendo looks downward, gives himself time for a knowing smile, then returns to the imperious mask that is NERV's Supreme Commander.
"Akagi, switch the cores from L01 to L00. Upload the combat data Rei logged in simulation." His glasses glint solid white. "If we cannot rely on my son, then we shall have faith in my daughter."
~!
Rei reclines in the seat of the Entry Plug, shifts a little to get a comfortable position. She never quite got used to the fit of her Plug Suit; it was made when she was younger and she was a growing girl. Dr. Akagi dispenses with the formalities of start up; she knows that Rei knows the drill by now. Instead, Rei goes through the startup sequence herself. LCL floods the cockpit, immerses her. The first thing she notices is the smell. She always liked that smell. It reminded her of home.
"Final startup threshold passed, all green. Plug depth holding steady, Synchronization at 55%. A-10 connections stable, syncrograph green." Maya Ibuki looks up to her sempai, nods affirmative. It was nice to have something go right for a change.
"Alright First, everything's checking out," Ritsuko says flatly, "You feel okay in there?"
"Yes. Thank you for your concern," Rei responds, out-unaffecting the doctor.
"Secondary visuals working alright?"
Rei flips a switch which puts a scene from outside picture in picture. It's a mess, so many men and women throwing their lives away. The Angel almost looks...confused. It doesn't seem angry, the birdlike bone mask that serves at its face looks at the world on an angle. Much like she does. Maybe it just wants to experience the world as well.
No matter; it is an enemy of humanity. As such, it must be dealt with accordingly.
"Yes. I see it," she says, gripping the butterfly controls tightly. "Eva 01, launching."
The Gs hit her like a truck, compresses her in ways she's felt a hundred times before. Without even thinking, almost as soon as the Eva surfaces, she grabs an Assault Rifle from one of the dummy buildings. With no wasted motion she rushes forward; dropping distracting fire in tight bursts. Center the target and pull the trigger, simple as that. It bounces harmlessly off of the Angel's AT-Field, as to be expected. Almost as if to say "is that all?" the Angel causes a group of tanks to spontaneously explode.
Hopefully there'd be one that fell to small arms, she thought, using the curtain of the JSSDF's barrage as cover. She narrowly dodges an errant VTOL knocked her way by the Angel's slap. It's still distracted by the haze of bullets hitting it from all sides, so it's a simple matter to slip in and begin AT-Field neutralization. As far as she could tell, point blank range was too close for it to cause explosions.
That catches its attention, a second light shining out in opposition to it. It raises up a hand towards Unit 01 and launches blazing purple death in its general direction. Rei parries it with her rifle and flows into another burst, this time at the target's core. The bullets score the smooth red sphere, but none find true purchase. It does find Unit 01 a backhand to the face, however. She stumbles back, centers herself and continues firing. Another impact lance cuts through the rifle, sends Rei backpedaling to regain space. She launches a Progressive Knife and throws it; as an attack it's nothing special, but as a feint it's top notch.
It allows her to get back into position, AT-Field at full neutralization. She wraps Unit 01's arms under Sachiel's, digs its fingers into the Angel's ribs. She pulls them apart with a satisfying pop, ragged breathing the only tell of her excitement.
"Commander Ikari-kun, does the JSSDF have jurisdiction to use an N2 Mine?" Rei asks, half-lidded eyes glinting.
"Of course we do!" a member of the top brass bellows from inside NERV headquarters. "What do you take us for?"
"Drop one," she says, deadpan. "Aim for the core, it's the glowing red thing in its chest."
The military men look back at Ikari, at that smug face. "Are you going to do anything to save your pet pilot?"
"She knows what she's getting into," Gendo says, completely unfazed. "Do what you will."
"Of course," another of the military council says, gulping. Did he not care about the safety of his soldiers? "Launch codes approved. Do it." VTOLs move into position, centering their sights on the bound together titans. Some thanked the strange pilot, all of them thought she was crazy at best. With a mental shrug, the bombers let loose; 5 N2 mines fly straight for the beast's heart.
As the N2 mines scream towards her, Rei Ayanami wonders if being vaporized itches. She assumes it does for some reason. She also hopes that, if not reduced to atoms, she gets to wear an eyepatch this time. Her last thought, before the blast envelops her, is that this would probably look really cool on the viewscreens in Central Dogma.
~!
The explosion could be seen through her eyelids. This made it a good plan B. It also knocked her car off the road and sent it tumbling like clothes in the dryer. That made it not such a good plan B.
"Oh man, I still have 12 payments on this thing!" Misato groans, plopping unceremoniously out of the side window. The groans in higher pitches than her own remind her of more important matters.
"Hey Shinji?" Asuka asks, shaking off the cobwebs.
"Yeah?"
She looks down. "How much do you value your right hand?"
"Why do you ask?" Shinji says, following her eyes. To her chest. Which he is clutching onto like a newborn. He pulls his hand off like it's on fire, the horrified recoil sending him out the back window.
Asuka crawls out after him with a smirk. "Thanks for clearing a path," she snerks, "Although I always took you for a 'bigger is better' sort of pervert."
Shinji gives her a nervous chuckle, "Well I heard that anything more than a handful is too much." She gives him a playful smack on the head.
"You saying I'm flat," Asuka chides, standing up stiffly. "Or are you saying I'm too much to handle?"
"I will not answer that question on the grounds that your foot is dangerously close to my testicles," Shinji responds, lifting himself to his feet.
"You two," Misato says, pointing at the Children, "Make yourselves useful." She thumbs to her side of the overturned car. "Get over here."
"You hit me with a car and you want me to do menial labor for you?" Asuka says with incredulity.
"It's either that or you walk to NERV headquarters," Misato says, brushing her off.
Asuka mutters darkly, but ultimately complies. Shinji follows suit, not wanting to get a gun pointed at him again. The trio get the car flipped over without incident and pile back in. Misato slides the key into the ignition, butters up the engine with sweet words and a few empty threats. It turns over with a throaty roar, miraculously workable. With a howl of triumph, Misato floors it, having learned nothing from her near-death experience. The car lurches forwards, fishtailing just enough to jostle the two in the back seat.
"Screw the Angels, this woman is trying to kill me," Asuka mutters, gripping the seat. In response, Misato feathers the throttle and drifts through another turn, swinging the tail out hard enough to make Asuka's head dangle out the window. If it weren't for the seatbelt she was wearing, there's a good chance she would fall out. Misato snaps the tail end back, whipping her back into the relative safety of the car's interior,
"Isn't this a nice, fun drive guys?" Misato says sing-song. Shinji's praying to various deities, while Asuka balls her fists so hard her nails draw blood. She looks back, which makes the car swerve even more. "So, any questions you want to ask me?"
"Are you going to answer them, or just say it's classified," Shinji asks, finishing up a prayer to Haruhi.
"I'm here to enlighten you," Misato responds.
"Did I die and is this hell?" Asuka says in a wavering voice.
"Nope!" Misato says cheerily.
"What were those things up there?" Shinji asks, no longer afraid of what he saw before. It looked like being in a giant robot would be a lot safer than spending one more minute with this crazy broad.
"The black one was an Angel, and the purple one was an Eva," Misato says. "The Eva you get to pilot in fact, Shinji." Shinji and Asuka blanch for totally different reasons.
"Oh god, am I going to get nuked?" Shinji moans, looking back towards the blast zone.
"I thought Unit 01 was supposed to be my interim unit until Unit 02 got reoutfitted!" Asuka pouts. "You're giving it to this loser? The only training he's had is onanistic."
"Who gave you that idea?" Misato asks, not looking back.
"You did, Katsuragi," Asuka growls.
"Oh, did I?" she says with a hidden smile. "I don't recall." She looks back with a put off expression. "You don't have any questions about the Angels or anything?"
"Not really, no," Shinji says, still staring out what used to be a window. "It's just a designation, like STMC or Robeast or Steve or something." He sighs. "I know Father has a thing for difficult sounding references."
Misato sighs assent and nods her head. They travel in silence for a little while; the two Children have been quickly desensitized to Misato's aggressive driving.
"Oh, I do have one more question," Shinji says meekly.
"Hm?"
"What are your three sizes?" he asks with a cute smile.
"Now that," Misato snorts, "Is classified information."
~!
Evangelion Unit 01 had seen better days. Sure, even with the cross-syncing, Ayanami was able to generate incredibly powerful AT-Fields. Still though, that just downgraded being in the blast radius of five N2 mines from "certain death," to "suicidal, but effective." Not to mention the part of the blast before you black out hurts like a right bastard. The pilot girl should know that by now.
LCL drains from the entry plug of the still sizzling Unit 01, an oozing orange wound in the great beast's neck. Rei Ayanami opens her eyes, the afterglow of the blast makes them sting. She flexes an arm, clenches a delicate fist.
"Still…alive?" she whispers as reality takes definition around her. The stern face of Ritsuko Akagi looks down on her and she pokes the fragile girl with a pen. Ayanami seizes, remembering the concept of pain very well now.
"Yes," she says, throwing up a shaky thumbs-up. "Still alive." Akagi helps her up to her feet, drapes an arm over her shoulder.
"Rei, just because you have reserves doesn't mean you can do things like this," Ritsuko says pointedly. "Are you trying to make me grey earlier?"
"But Doctor, I was given the gift of expendability," she says with a pained smile. "I should take advantage of it." Ritsuko sighs and jabs her in the ribs, sending a cute squeal of pain from the broken girl.
"There's a difference between taking advantage and being stupid," Ritsuko says, easing the girl down the stairs that led down to the docking bay. "And that was just stupid. Who asks to be hit with an N2 mine?"
"I did not expect the JSSDF to use five," she says through gritted teeth, barely able to keep her head up.
"You shouldn't have asked for any," Ritsuko snaps, plopping her down on a gurney. She dresses and wraps the burn wounds, covers the pulpy mass that should have been Rei's left eye. She broke her arm in the fall; it flops like a limp noodle. Ritsuko goes to get a splint, but is stopped by a grasping hand.
"Hello Rei," Gendo says impassively. "You did well."
"Really?" Rei says, standing on wobbly legs. She takes woozy steps towards the Supreme Commander, smiling sweetly. She gets into his personal space, almost head to chest. With one bright eye, she looks up and slaps Gendo across the face with her broken arm. It really, really hurt, but it was worth it to see the look on his face. The shock from the pain sends her stumbling backwards, she spits up a little blood on impact. He rushes towards her, but is stopped by Akagi.
"You're a louse, Gendo Ikari," Rei giggles before the pain overtakes her and she passes out.
~!
Central Dogma was normally where Gendo went to think and plan, to devise and divine his scenarios. It also was where he went to think and drink; the most recent actions of the First Child drove him to both.
"Well, that was unexpected," Fuyutsuki says, set in his position as Gendo's right hand man. "That girl is getting rather impetuous, isn't she?"
"It's probably my fault," Gendo says with a swollen cheek. "I should have kept more of an eye on the girl." He looks to his left, shoots a withering look at a lab-coated woman. "Or should I say, I should have kept more of an eye on the woman?"
The woman stuffs her hands into the coat's pockets, shakes the bottle brown hair out of her glowing pink eyes. A few strands sprout blue, a side effect of the Nephillem's rapid growth. She turns to Gendo and grins.
"Hey, she's my daughter as much as yours honey," the woman says. "In fact, she's moreso, given that your DNA had nothing to do with her creation."
"This is true," he responds, his hands steepled. "Although at this point in time, your physiology is more akin to sisters than mother and daughter." He takes off his sunglasses, looks upon the object of his desire. "Isn't that right, Yui?"
"Well yeah, but that's because you got rid of my original body. And you wouldn't let me stay in the Eva," she says, sticking her tongue out at him.
"I thought Unit 01 took you from me," he says, cradling his head in his hands, "To think you wanted to stay there."
She wraps her arms around Gendo's shoulders, in a hug that's somewhere between mother and lover. "I always told you I saw the big picture better, but you never listened." She whispers in his ear, "Be thankful you didn't screw up the kids."
"We don't know that for sure," Fuyutsuki interjects. "The Second and Third haven't arrived yet, and from what we know, their profiles aren't the most reassuring."
"Oh ye of little faith, Professor," the Ayanami-esque Yui snips, rolling her eyes towards him. "If you look at any of our profiles, we should be locked up in a nuthouse. We're all mad here, but it takes the mad to make mad genius work."
"I hope you're right," Fuyutsuki says in resignation.
Yui leans over Gendo's shoulder; both of them give their former professor looks of firey determination.
"When were we ever wrong?"