I Know
I lean against the wall, propping my left boot against the bricks while my right leg holds me up. I fold my arms across my chest and look up, shrouded in the shadows. The sun is setting, causing a rosy glow to coat everything in its path. The buildings across from me are untouched, as is the one I'm leaning against, but the street that separates us is drenched in the light. The grains of sand and dirt in between the cobblestones sparkle gold, standing out against the now-red pavement. Then a door opens across from me, and my attention leaves the road.
She's there, just across the street, hand in hand with her beloved little Sora. I feel a bit of bile rise in my throat as I stare at them but I keep it down, wincing slightly as the acid burns my throat. I spit as softly as I can, and while Sora doesn't hear a thing, she glances around nervously.
She can't see me, but I know she can feel me watching her. When her head stops moving, Sora whispers in her ear and she shakes her head at him and smiles. He kisses her, lightly and briefly, and jealousy slaps me in the face so hard I can barely breathe.
It passes quickly enough for me to watch them start to walk away. They aren't even halfway down the street when Aerith runs out of the wizard's house.
"Kairi!" She calls. "You forgot your notebook!"
Kairi turns quickly, her dark red hair whipping behind her. She smiles tightly at Aerith and holds out her hand. I watch as Aerith drops the thick, clothbound notebook in the younger woman's hand. I'm too far away to see the details of the book's cover, but memory provides them for me. The ocean waves stitched along the bottom, the island in the middle with the waving girl standing next to a small boat… It's all too familiar to me.
She writes her poetry in it. There are hundreds of poems in it, filling pages and margins, using up every little bit of space available. Absently, I wonder if the one she wrote about me is still in there, or if she tore it out when she decided I wasn't good enough to be a part of her life anymore.
Sora looks at it curiously, and although I'm too far away to see more than the shape of his face, the way he's staring at the notebook with his head cocked to the side makes it clear he's curious. Kairi doesn't answer his unspoken question. Instead, she slips the book in her bag with her free hand, stowing it away from his prying eyes.
So she hasn't told him she writes poetry. Interesting. What else is she keeping from him?
I chuckle softly to myself, a ghostly imitation of amusement. Kairi stiffens, though she can't have heard me. Still, she knows I'm here: I can tell by the way she glances around, her eyes darting back and forth, though her head never moves. Sora looks at her worriedly, and her frustrated scowl disappears and is replaced with a very easy, very fake smile.
Sora grins back, and then they turn to leave the street. Kairi gazes over her shoulder for a moment as they turn the corner. When she still can't see me, she frowns and faces ahead. That's when I follow, using the cover of the shadows to my advantage.
When they reach the borough, Sora stops to watch the sunset, and Kairi tugs his hand impatiently. She never was sentimental like that.
You'd know that too, Keyblade Master, if you'd listen to your girlfriend once in a while. Can't you tell that she knows something's wrong?
Sora, though, cannot read my thoughts and continues to stare at the sky, ignoring Kairi's pulls. She gives up, sighing, and I spare a momentary glance at Sora. At first, I am filled with contempt, but then I catch a sight of his eyes. They're gazing at the horizon with such longing; it's hard to feel anything but sorry for him. He clearly wants to get out of here just as bad as I do. Then I glance back at Kairi, uncomfortable with feeling any form of kinship with the man who stole everything I ever loved from me.
Kairi's still looking for me, I note. I smirk, knowing that she won't find me, and knowing that she'll stay awake tonight. She'll wonder where I'm hiding, and every creak and groan the old house makes will cause her to sit up quickly. She'll summon her keyblade with every tap on the window pane, and then sigh with relief when she realizes it's just a tree. She'll lay back down, dismissing her weapon, and then jump up again when the wind whistles through the fireplace. Finally, like every night, she'll turn on her bedside lamp to banish the darkness from her room and read until the sun rises.
How do I know this? There's a very conveniently located dumbwaiter in her room that I like to hide in. The fit's a little tight, but it provides me with a perfect view of her as she tries to sleep.
Though she can't yet prove it, I know she knows I've been following her for the past two months. It makes her uneasy that I'm so close – I can tell. And while the thought that I scare her makes me feel…well, empty, I'm just glad that I haven't been caught yet. It's wrong, what I've been doing, I know that. But this is the only way I can see her anymore, and I refuse to give that up.
Returning back to what's happening in front of me, I watch her as she runs her free hand through her hair, mouthing words to herself. It's a nervous habit she's had for as long as I can remember. Some women bite their nails, some tap their foot. Kairi sings.
She's learned not to do so out loud, so normally she settles for mouthing the words to the song she keeps hearing in her head. The song changes constantly, and although I watch her lips carefully, I can't figure out what song it is.
A moment later, she stops suddenly, her eyes focusing on something above me and to my right. She nudges Sora with her elbow and nods in the direction she's staring. I can see that her eyes are pained, and so I turn quickly to see what it is. At first I can't figure out what she's looking at. Then I recognize a flash of pale yellow, and realized what it is. Naminé. She's exiting a door on the fourth floor of a building nearby, holding her shoes in one hand as she steps onto the balcony. A moment later, her shoes are on and she's lowering herself skilfully over the balcony's bars. As she drops to the ground and then slips into an alley just to the right, it's clear she's done this many times over. Other than Kairi, Sora, and me, no one else notices the pale blond girl who was clearly in a rush…and trying to hide.
She's probably late for dinner again.
Naminé and Roxas had been together since before Kairi and I had first hooked up. So, if memory serves me correctly, their two year anniversary should be coming up sooner or later. In reality, they should be celebrating their one year anniversary, as that's how long Naminé had been faithful to him.
I look up again as a flash of silver appears on the balcony Naminé had just vacated, and then, just as quickly, I look away. I have absolutely no desire to see Riku staring at the sun, obviously satisfied. This was the man who was the cause of my best friend's heartache…at least, that's who Roxas blamed. Poor guy. He was still so in love with Naminé, he couldn't bring himself to blame her for cheating.
Pulling my thoughts away from what was clearly not my business, my eyes flick back to Kairi, who is now staring at Riku with a look full of accusation. Riku seems to have noticed them, as I can see him give her and Sora a wave. While Sora returns it, Kairi closes her eyes, making a single tear trail down her face before turning her back to him.
In that simple gesture, she's made it clear that her allegiance lies with Roxas. My heart swells with pride as I smile at her back.
She runs her hand through her hair again, and Sora reaches out with lightning fast reflexes and catches her wrist in his hand. I start to move forward before I remember I can't be seen. Cursing silently, I melt back into the shadows.
"Are you okay, Kairi?" he asks her softly, his voice deeper than it was six years ago, when I first met him. "You've been acting on edge all day."
No, not all day, Sora: she's been like this for two months.
My nearness is getting to her. It's been ages since she left me for the Keyblade Master, but any idiot with eyes can see she's unhappy.
Was she any happier with you, though? A voice mutters in my head.
I stifle it impatiently and continue to stare at Kairi, refusing to acknowledge the voice that kept irritating me. It kept muttering in my head, but instead of listening, I focused my attention on the woman in front of me who was biting her lip and looking everywhere but at her boyfriend.
"I'm fine," she finally says. "Just a little tired."
She bites her lower lip again, which is a dead giveaway that she's lying to him. I know it and Sora knows it, but he just nods and lets go of her wrist. The look in his eyes clearly states he's too worn out for a confrontation right now. I'm suddenly struck with amazement at how broken down he looks, as well as Kairi. I've seen the look in their eyes mirrored on just about every face in this world.
It's on Roxas's face when Naminé runs out the door without a second glance, yelling something about work over her shoulder.
It's on Aerith's face when she locks up her house for the night and Cloud still isn't home from his search for Sephiroth.
It's on Leon's face when he sees the damage done to the Bailey wall that he spent the previous day repairing.
And it's on my face when I see Sora touch Kairi with the easy familiarity of a significant other; the easy familiarity that I've been denied.
Oblivious to my inner ramblings, the couple join hands again and move on, and I follow, slinking easily from shadow to shadow. They're almost to Kairi's house when Leon and Cid stop them, and Sora starts up a conversation with the two men.
To my astonishment, they ignore Kairi, who is clearly as surprised as I am. She and I wait for the conversation to finish, and I can see her getting impatient fast. She was never good at keeping quiet when people left her out, and I can tell that she's forcing herself not to yell at the men ignoring her.
I'm close enough to touch her now, but not without being seen. I almost decide to risk it, wanting to take her hand and rub my gloved thumb over the back, calming her like I used to. The urge is so overwhelming that I have to take a step back both mentally and physically.
Finally, Kairi's had it. She wants to be inside her house, where the thick doors and locked windows can give her the illusion of security. She knows it won't keep me out, but it helps her to pretend.
Gently, she touches Sora's shoulder.
"I'm just going to go on home, okay? I'll see you tomorrow."
He nods and kisses her cheek quickly before releasing her. Idiot. He shouldn't let her walk the streets alone. He doesn't know what lurks in the night. I kidnapped his precious princess once before, and with the mood I'm in right now, there's no telling what I'll do tonight.
Kairi waves at Cid and Leon before walking briskly away. I trail her through the empty streets and the dark alley. When she reaches her street, I open a dark corridor soundlessly and emerge from it across the street from her house. A convenient street lamp shines right on me as I lean against the wall, folding my arms across my chest and letting my trademark smirk slide into place.
I don't know why I'm letting her see me tonight. Maybe it's because it's the first time she's been alone since she realized I was following her. Maybe it's because I can see she's in just as bad a mood as I am. I'm not sure. All I know is it's too late to hide now.
Out of habit, she looks over her shoulder before she unlocks the door. Kairi's eyes lock with mine, and she drops her key, her mouth open.
"Wha –" she starts to say, her voice barely even a whisper.
"It's me," I responded, not moving. "You know, Axel."
"I know," she replies, her spine straightening as she meets my gaze. "Why have you been following me?" There's almost enough venom in her tone to almost cover up all the hurt that echoes in her voice. Almost.
I smirk again, and a second later, a puff of inky blackness replaces me under the streetlight. Before Kairi can draw another breath, I'm in front of her, so close she's forced to back up against the door. I step even closer, my body brushing against hers, our breath mingling.
"Just like old times, huh, Kairi?" I ask her softly.
Before she can answer, I lean down and kiss her, using my teeth to prove my point.
With that kiss comes an overwhelming wave of memories. Ragged breathing, skin on skin, twisted sheets, scratches down my back, quiet whispers in the night…
I have to pull away before I lose control. Kairi reaches up and touches her lips with trembling fingers. A moment later, she drops her hand, and now she's glaring at me.
"Axel," she starts.
"I know. I shouldn't have come here."
"It's not that…okay, maybe it is. Axel, I have a boyfriend."
I shrug noncommittally, saying: "And I have a girlfriend."
Well, not really, if I'm being honest with myself. Saying that Xion's my girlfriend implies that there's a relationship going on between the two of us, and saying we have a relationship implies that there's some kind of romance going on. In reality, Xion's just kind of there. She's just someone I can come home to after a long day of…following my ex-girlfriend. I know she loves me, and I love her too. But the love I feel for Xion is the same love I feel for Roxas. I love her, but I'm not in love with her. Xion's not Kairi; she never will be. And there's never going to be anyone for me except Kairi.
"I love my boyfriend." Kairi says crossly, trying to pull away from me when there's nowhere to go.
"And you think I don't love Xion?"
She doesn't answer, and I rub the back of my neck.
"Kairi, I can't do this anymore. I miss you." She starts to talk, but I continue talking, effectively cutting her off. "I hate staying away from you."
"You're doing an awful job of it, too." She mutters, and I have to fight to keep from laughing.
"I hate lying to Xion. She doesn't know how much I loved you…how much I still do."
Kairi looks up at me sharply, sadness permeating her violet eyes.
"She knows, Axel. A woman can tell when a man looks into her eyes and sees someone else."
I have no answer to that. Kairi's always been the only one who can render me speechless. There's a long awkward pause, during which Kairi sighs and smoothes her hair down.
"Look, I really need to go," she tells me softly.
"Do you really love Sora?" I ask angrily, practically biting off the ends of my words.
Her comment about Xion stung more than she meant it too. I've known I wasn't fooling anyone, but it was below the belt for her to shove that in my face.
"Yes, I do, Axel," comes her scathing reply.
She's biting her lip. She's lying to me. But before I can point this out, Kairi's yelling at me.
"What we had was never love, Axel! It was lust, plain and simple. There was never any emotional feeling; you and I both know that. Sora cares about me, and at least he's stable."
I swear softly to myself. How dare she pull the stability card? Sure, our relationship had some hot/cold issues with it, but that was only because there was too much. We always fought, always loved, always kissed, always argued, always everything, and yet it was never enough.
As if she could tell how badly that hurt me, she looks away, bowing her head and staring off to her right.
"Besides," she whispers softly, biting her lower lip. "I'm not the same girl I used to be."
"Liar," I murmur back, tilting her head up.
As if they have a mind of their own, my lips brush hers softly.
"You're a lot of things, Kairi, but a good liar isn't one of them."
I brush a stray hair out of her eyes and kiss her again; cutting off any protests she had been about to voice. She kisses me back this time, wrapping her arms around my neck and pulling me closer. I'm hit with memories again. Scenes from the life I used to live are dancing across my closed eyelids like some sick ballet.
"Shit," I mutter, pulling away again.
Kairi glares at me, as if this is all my fault. Which it is, but I'm not about to admit that out loud.
"You don't know me anymore, Axel." She tells me angrily.
I slam her against her door, taking care to be forceful enough to prove my point, but not harsh enough to hurt her. I trap her with my chest, and before she can say anything, I nip her pulse point, tasting the faint saltiness of her skin. She exhales a falling sigh of breath that I had missed so much, and I smirk into her throat, sensing victory.
"I'm the only one in this town who knows you."
She stops moving, and then stops fighting me, mentally, physically, and emotionally. Reaching up, Kairi wraps her arms around my neck again.
"I know," she whispers softly, almost sadly, and kisses me before the last syllable fades into the night.
"Kairi?" Sora exclaims.
Kairi swears softly, pulling away from me with wide eyes.
I sigh softly before stepping back and conjuring a cocoon of darkness to cover me. The last thing I see before the black and purple darkness clouds my vision is Kairi's face, and her eyes are sorry to see me go. Then I'm gone, leaving just wisps of black and purple smoke behind.
I reappear outside my own house, open the door, and kick off my shoes quickly. I shout to Xion that I'm back, but I receive no answer. I take off my coat, assuming that she's gone to bed without me.
Once my coat's hanging in the hall closet, I walk into the kitchen, intending to grab some food, as my stomach was shouting what I'm sure was some form of obscenity at me. When I enter the cold white room, however, Xion's sitting at the table, staring into a full cup of coffee that I can see has gone cold. Her shoes are on, which is something that shocks me. Xion never wears her shoes in the house. She refuses to look anywhere but into the coffee mug, and my lips start to frame my overused "I've been at Roxas's house" excuse, but before I can say anything, she pushes her chair back from the table.
Xion turns towards me, the five feet between us feeling like five hundred, and stares at me with big blue eyes that are filled with hurt.
"I know," she says softly, "you've been at Roxas's house."
Then she leaves the room, and a few seconds later, I hear the slam of my front door. I am left alone, thinking not of Xion, nor even of Kairi. The only thought that echoes in my head is: We all say we know, but none of us has any idea.
A/N: Thanks for reading! I know Axel/Kairi is nowhere near the most popular pairing, but this is my baby, and I'm really proud of the way it turned out. Please let me know what I think, as I'm considering writing a companion piece from Kairi's POV.