Journals of a split man
SuperHero/Villain: Villain
Summary: Jasper and James have never met, but are having the same troubles after being through something traumatic ... what is Carlisle going to do ... ?
Jasper POV
May 13
So it's safe to say things have been a little strange lately. Ever since you got killed by a drunk driver life hasn't felt worth living. I got to give credit to our mates for putting up with me I have been a miserable bastard. I've been seeing a counselor and he's told me that I should do a diary of sorts to help me, work through my feelings or whatever, well this is entry number one. This is to you my love. It's been three months, exactly three. I miss you like crazy Alice. We were going to get married, though you didn't know that I was going to ask you on our anniversary. We should have had kids, they would've had the same smile as you darlin'. I always hoped for a girl and a boy. Fuck, the worst thing is I imagined it our life. A wedding, nice house, I'd get a good job. As soon as I planned it out I knew it would be us, I would give anything for you to be here. To settle down and grow old with you. But it's been taken from me by that son of a bitch who put the whole city at risk after he got on it with his punk-ass mates. I haven't driven since that day, I can't even be in a car. I miss you darlin' the pain is making me crazy. I love you. I feel a bit foolish talking to you like this. I don't know Alice, if you're out there, for some reason reading this or hearing my prayers I need a sign, anything darlin'. I don't know what I'm meant to do, where to go from here. I don't know life without you. Fifteen years is a long time to grow accustomed to someone's company and to get in to a habit. Fuck, this isn't helping, until next time darlin' ... Love always J
James POV
May 16
So I'm not ashamed to say that I use girls. To me they are just a nice piece of ass, or a good rack, ready for me to fawn over till they give me what I want. I can't see myself settling down with one girl, that's my type of hell. But there is this one girl I'll never forget, some random girl who I killed. Not like I murdered her in cold blood or anything. I am kind of ashamed of my actions. A nice piece of ass like her, definitely gone too soon. Drunk driving is never the answer, that's what I told the courts anyway, they let me off with community service. Anyway since her, I have looked at women with a bit more respect, not enough respect that I wouldn't object to a quick blow from the town bike. Everyone's ridden her at least once. But easy girls like her do make my life easy. Sometimes the chase isn't worth it, she takes away the surprise, you know what you're gonna get. I was in town with some mates the other day, can't remember when. Things have been a bit strange lately , whatever fucking drugs Laurent has been buying have been hitting me way harder than the regular weed. I go through some days in a complete haze, not being able to remember anything I've done. Everything is jumpy too, like I can be one place and then sort of come too some complete different place without remembering how I got there. Needless to say my life is pretty fucked up right now.
JasperPOV
May 20
Okay so that last entry was a bit of a mess. I saw Carlisle my therapist, he says I need to persevere he seems to think it will get easier. I told him I'm not so sure. But fuck it I'll try. The sleeping pills he gave me are kicking in, leave me in a haze, to a point where I feel like I am having out of body experiences. You know if that was true I would come find you. I'd let my body be controlled by auto pilot and come find you. God this ache in my chest seems to just get worse. No matter how much I talk to Carlisle, or write in this journal. Death is a part of life I accept that. But god Alice you shouldn't have left me here alone, I didn't even get a good-bye. You know I think I got a sign from you yesterday, well that or the logical thing is they still have me on the mailing list, anyway my point was I am going to go back to college to finish my degree. You always told me to go for my dreams, so I guess it kinda makes sense to finish what I started. I rang them; they said I can make up the stuff I've missed out on by doing extra credit stuff. They've been pretty understanding, you'd be proud of me I guess. Rose said she was glad I was finally out of the house, I went and visited her and Em the other night, said she was gonna end up doing something drastic soon, whatever empty threats. Oh that's right I almost forgot, still feeling like I'm talking to myself, anyway Rosalie's pregnant, looks like I'm gonna end up having a niece or nephew soon. She was talking about names, they asked if I would mind them using Alice as a middle name for the rugrat if it's a girl. It is kinda sweet. Can't really believe they'd want to do something like that in memory of you. Then again you and Rose were like sisters. Anyway darlin', I hope your resting easy, I wish you were here, love always J.
JamesPOV
May 21
So I found out that a hot girl I "meet" the other goes to the college down the road from Laurent's flat. I don't know her name or what she studies but I will find out. Told Laurent that I was going to do my 500 Hours there, he asked what I'd been smoking, I had just had a joint but that wasn't the point. This girl has become an obsession to me. I need to know her, what she likes, what she doesn't like. I need to smell her, the scent of wood on her light brown skin, see a look of wonder and love in her eyes. Ok so disregard what I said earlier about settling down with one girl. I could see myself spending the rest of my life with this girl. Ok now these are the kinda thoughts that are confusing me, she's gotten to my brain, messed me up big time. She hasn't even said a word to me, shit I have it bad. Told Laurent that his weed was bad, keeping me in hazes, giving me almost out of body experiences for days on end even, so I don't even remember what I have been doing. He told me to grow a pair. I told him to get fucked. It wasn't helpful. The only reason I'm even writing this fucking shit is because of the girl I killed a few months back. Had to go see a therapist as well as do my community service, which is my way into the college, he told me I should be writing this shit down that I feel so I can deal with it. Whatever. He's a good sort though Carlisle. Knows what he's on about. Really wish I knew what was going on.
JasperPOV
May 22
Start back at college on Monday. It's going to be a lot of hard work Darlin'. It's this year that counts the most. Put flowers by your grave this morning did you see?
Haven't been there for a couple of days. Been in a bit of a weird way. These pills are getting to me so bad. When I'm down they make me feel worse, I always feel drowsy, and the haze gets really thick somedays. Mostly I just miss you, the ache in my chest is numbing, not because there is less pain, just because I'm learning to deal with it more efficiently, like I put it in a box in the back of my mind. I don't feel like the me I was with you, I feel rattled shaken so much that I'm all broken up, and no one but you can fix me. You know the puzzle that is me. I got a phone call from the jewelers the other day, they told me the item I had ordered had been paid off and I could come and collect it when I was ready. They also asked if I could bring another ring to check the size. I was counting on forever, now I'll never know. Love always – J
JamesPOV
May 23
So ... community Service is fucking gay. I haven't meet woods, my nickname for the nameless beauty, and I am cutting back on the drugs because they seem to be fucking me up more than they are worth. Laurent still doesn't know why. Carlisle has a few ideas about it, not that he has told me any yet, just keeps asking stupid questions. Like about the stuff I can't remember and if I am feeling depressed about anything. I don't know some of the shit he comes up with its just weird ... lately though he really has me thinking he is a quack.
Laurent asked me why I haven't been around much lately, I didn't give him a straight answer, my forgetfulness, amnesia whatever you want to call it has been bad this week. This journal is killing me too. Fuck it. It's like I'm separate from my life, kinda spaced out still. Like I see everything that happening but feel detached from it. It' screwed up. I used to be a good guy, now I'm not so sure. With everything that has been going on I'm beginning to wonder what if I'm not the superhero? What if I'm the bad guy? Ok so the stuff from comic books isn't real I get that but shits fucked up right now, I feel like I should be playing the villain. Reckon I could pull it off.
JasperPOV
May 25
I was going to take you out for dinner, our favourite restaurant, the one we went on our first date. Though it didn't really count, at that age we had to be chaperoned by Emmett. I'd organised the biggest bunch of wild flowers, all of your favourite kinds. We would've gone dancing, a walk even. At the place where we first kissed at fifteen, in the huge field next to the kid's park, I was going to get down on one knee and tell you how much I loved you. Tell you I wanted you forever and ask you if you would do me the honour darlin', of being my wife. You said I wasn't much for organising. But this would've been one of the most important nights of my life, perfection was key. I ended up having to go to the jewelers and tell them you had died, sit there while they tried to talk to me about a refund. I couldn't deal with the sympathetic looks. I took the ring and just walked out. I think I might give it to Emmett, I can't see myself ever wanting to use it. He always did promise Rose a ring she deserved and it is just sitting on the kitchen counter where anyone could take it. A ring that expensive deserves to be on display. I missed out on our forever darlin, but you are locked in my heart for eternity, love J.
JamesPOV
May 26 (Am)
She wants nothing to do with me, said I freak her out and I confuse her. She can't keep up with my mood swings. She said it's like I am two different people, hot and heavy one minute and pretending like I don't know her the next. I yelled at her and called her a bitch. Said it wasn't like I needed her anyway, I'd just go find some other bitch to make me happy. There were plenty out there just waiting for the chance.
What she said about me being two different people is weird, its how I have been feeling. Like my normal self, then in my haze again. I need to talk to Carlisle.
JasperPOV
May 26 (Am)
These pills still aren't working Alice, it's not just sleep that's the problem anymore. I'm not with it, life is so confusing. It feels like death would be the only comfort. The depression is like a darkness wrapping around me holding me down. I can't work out what's real and what isn't. The lines of reality are blurred. I am sick of feeling this way I just want it all to be over. I have to see Carlisle, he could be the only one that can help me.
CarlislePOV
May 26 (Am)
I have been a psychiatrist for around twenty years now. Very few of my patients shock me anymore, but Jasper Whitlock, he's a diamond in the rough. He is suffering from post traumatic stress after driving drunk and killing his own girlfriend. This has caused him to develop, Dissociative identify disorder, more commonly known as split personality disorder. His other personality is James, the villain. In James he is the killer, the bad boy, the wrong doer. As himself he is depressed and grieves for his lost love. His brain has basically separated these two so they don't know what the other knows. They don't even know they other exists. But I have to tell him, it's going to cause him a lot of pain when he understands, but it's for his own good so he can heal isn't it ? In all my twenty years in this job I have never had to decide whether or not to tell a boy he is the reason his girlfriend is dead. It was his dumb mistake that got her killed. The reason he can't remember is because his brain was trying to protect him. Its days like today that make my job hard ... Alice I'm telling this to him for you, wish me luck.
JasperPOV
May 26 (Pm)
Alice ... it was me ... I'll see you soon Darlin ' ... Love always J