A/N: Because I was similarly attacked by my two year old godson at a swimming baths, in the lobby, in front of quite a fit lifeguard. He's always had a thing about ruining my hair. Gabriel, that is, not the fit lifeguard...

Disclaimer: All characters mentioned are the property of J. K. Rowling, save Pip, who owes his allegiance to Charles Dickens.

Boo Hoo

Sirius tumbled through the green flash of the floor with a clatter and threw himself at the sofa, which Remus was unhelpfully curled up on and lost to Great Expectations.

He looked up from Pip's adventures just in time to get a faceful of flailing Sirius.

"Pads!" Remus yelped, throwing his book to safety as Sirius all but jumped on him. "What-"

"I love you," Sirius said, taking Remus' face in his hands. "I love you and I love your cock and your balls and your complete inability to ever have children with me."

Remus slowly arched an eyebrow. Sirius was quite heavy and was squashing afore mentioned parts of his anatomy that he would have preferred to keep intact.

"Did you electrocute yourself on the telephone again?" He said, after a pause, having decided that the best course of action for this situation was to move Sirius' mind onto undoubtedly more important matters, namely the state of his hair, or more precisely, the fact that it looked as though several crows had taken hold of it, dragged him backwards through a hedgerow and then sculpted a nest out of it.

Sirius made a strangled little noise. "I was molested by Harry on the floor of some Muggle swimming baths while Lily, the ginger bitch, had a bloody whale of a time and laughed her head off at me." Sirius ran his fingers through his long hair desperately, whimpering as his they got caught up in a particularly vicious tangle. Remus pulled his hands away before he injured himself.

"You look like Einstein."

"Who the fuck is-"

"Hagrid then."

"Fuck off," Sirius muttered moodily.

Remus smiled disarmingly at him. "How much do you love my cock?" He asked, offhandedly, as if he were about to impart a shopping list.

"More than I love…shit…" Sirius stopped, and scratched his head. "Merlin, I don't know. I don't think my love for that part of you's comparable."

"Well piss off my lap then, or you'll be incomparably inconsolable." Remus shoved him lightly backwards and he overbalanced and with a cry of surprise fell in a heap on the floorboards.

"You bastard!" He groaned. "I come back, declaring love-"

"Digging for sympathy."

"That too," Sirius nodded sagely. "And all I get is physical abuse."

"Come back up then, you daft sod," Remus laughed. Sirius pugged for all of two seconds before claiming the vacant half of the battered leather sofa, and burrowing down into his favourite corner.

Remus leant over, and brushed his hands cautiously over Sirius' Harry raped hair. "Physically abused?" He muttered incredulously. "Bollocks. I seem to recall, I was quite happily curled up," There was a dull click as Remus' errant fingers undid Sirius' belt. "When some great lump flew out of the fireplace at me, babbling incoherently about how much he," Sirius groaned as Remus' fingers dipped below his waistband. "Loved me and certain parts of my anatomy."

"Did I mention your hands?" Sirius mumbled. "Because I – ah fuck – because I-" He gasped, arching his head back against the cold leather.

"What was that Pads?"

"No fucking fair," Sirius hissed as Remus' teeth clipped the soft skin his flimsy white t-shirt had exposed. "You know I can't – oh shit –" He groaned, and then abandoned speech entirely as his tongue found its way into Remus' mouth.

"Did I mention," he rasped, as they surfaced for air. "That I love you?"

"Hm," Remus smirked, and twisted his fingers so that Sirius moaned pitifully. "You might have."

"Well I do-" Sirius' breath hitched. "Love you."

"Good," Remus whispered, stealing another kiss. "I should bloody well think so too."