A/N: I know that it's been awhile since my last oneshot for this show, but this couple has been on my mind for a while and I'm going to try and do my idea for this fic-let justice. Penelope and Spencer, always.
I DO NOT OWN CRIMINAL MINDS OR THE CHARACTERS.
Song Suggestion/partial inspiration: "You're Not Alone" – Saosin
I wasn't well. I knew it. The team knew it. Everyone knew it and no one wanted to say anything. I'm not sure what anyone expected. It's been ages, since I've been able to go home or sleep in my own bed. Work is cold and lonely. I've never really minded staying behind, while the rest of the team chases the bad guys, because I knew that they would always come home to me. It helped that I've been able to create a cheerful oasis with my office-space, but mainly, going home helped me recharge. I felt safe there. No one ever judged all of the colors or the flamboyant accents, because I was the only one ever there. They made me feel safe and helped me shut out all of the horrible things that flashed across my computer screens.
I don't have that anymore. I'm barely sleeping and I'm always on edge. Morgan is busy being a newlywed and I couldn't be happier for him. I'd be lying if I said that I didn't miss my Chocolate Thunder. He's my best friend. I don't really have him to talk to anymore. I'm going stir crazy. I don't even remember what being outside feels like. I never see anything other than these colorless walls. It's driving me insane.
Hotch and Dave have doing their best to keep me company, and don't get me wrong, it has been doing wonders for me. They put up a good front and they politely ignore my stray emotions that steamroll their way through my façade. It helps. It's just not enough.
JJ just had her second baby and she literally just came back to work. Reid has been in Vegas visiting with his mom. He's been missing her and we were finally able to convince him that we could handle things, until he came back. He needed this holiday more than I need my solace. I could tell that going so long without seeing his mom was eating away at him. He never complains. He's always there to pick up everyone else, so I'm glad that we were able to do this for him. I just miss him. I don't think I ever really realized just how much that boy-genius does for us – for me.
Everything has changed in the BAU. Literally nothing is the same. Gideon is dead. Emily is gone. So many faces have come and gone. Something in my gut tells me that this is just the beginning and that's what I'm terrified of. I don't know how long JJ will be able to do the job. I know that being away from her kids is eating away at her. Hotch carries so much of us already. I'd hate for him to have to take on more. Dave is wonderful. It's like finding out that he has a daughter and a grandson have done nothing but make him a better man. He's always been so paternal. And Morgan… I can tell that he's slowly pulling away from all of us. I just don't think he's realized it yet. I don't think my heart could take losing him for good, too.
"Penelope, wake up." My eyes opened, as I became aware of someone shaking me and the soft voice wafting into my ears. I jumped, when I felt something touch my face. My eyes flickered up and I saw Reid come into view. An easy smile graced my lips. I squealed and got up to hug him. He laughed, but returned my hug.
"God, Reid! Don't you know not to sneak up on a girl! You don't even know how much I've missed you! It hasn't been the same without you here! I'm so happy that you're home! I've been having Boy-Wonder withdrawals!" I murmured against him. He squeezed me tighter.
"Las Vegas was nice, but I missed it here. I missed you, too." He whispered. I looked up at him and smiled. How does he know exactly what to say? It's unreal. "Don't say anything, but Hotch may have asked me to come home early. He said that he thought that you might need me." He said, quietly, but surely. I gulped and immediately looked down. I couldn't bear looking into his eyes or at his face. Am I really that easy to read? Truth be told, I don't know what I need, but now that I hear it aloud, I know that Hotch was right. I do need him. I need him more than I've ever realized, before.
"Reid!" I exclaimed, not knowing what exactly I wanted to say to him. "Please tell me that isn't true! You needed that time with your mom! I could've waited! I'm fine!" I scolded him. He chuckled, but looked unconvinced.
"You've never been a good liar, Garcia. We both know that much. You're not fine. You haven't been fine for a long time, but all of us were too caught up with ourselves to see it. I wish you would have said something. I hope that by now… you would realize that I care about you and I don't take our friendship lightly. I'm here for you. Always. I can promise you that." His words affected me more than they should have. My nose started to burn and I could feel tears starting to well in my eyes. "Don't cry, Penelope. I didn't mean to upset. I'm sorry. Please, don't cry." He begged me. It was like once I started, I couldn't stop. Everything that I've been repressing has been building up and now, it's all finally coming out. "I'm so sorry." He kept apologizing. I shook my head. I pulled away from him and out of his embrace. I never wanted him to see me like this.
"It's not you, Reid. I'm fine, really. I'm fine. It's no big deal. Just everything lately, it's just built up and when I'm stressed, I cry. I'm fine. Look, thank you for coming back, but you really didn't need to. You should go back to Vegas and visit with your mom. You needed that time with her. I hate that you gave that up for me. I'm not worth that, Reid. You deserve to be happy. And if anyone deserves a break from this mess, it's you." I sobbed, trying to get myself into control. It's not working. I took a deep breath and swiped at my cheeks, finally able to calm myself down.
"Hey, hey, look at me." Spencer's tone didn't leave any room for argument. "Whoever made you feel inferior, isn't worth your time. I promise you that you are very much worth it, Penelope." He vowed. He pulled me back into his embrace and touched his lips to the top of my head. I melted against him. I couldn't help myself. "I should have been a better friend. I should have done a better job of being there for you. I'm so sorry. I hope you can forgive me."
"You're here now, Spence. That's what matters." I breathed. He just held me and we stood there for a while.
"Why don't we make some tea? Then maybe we can watch a movie, or maybe Doctor Who?" He suggested. I nodded against him, not wanting to move from his arms. It's so nice. I can't remember the last time I was held like this. Gods, I've missed it, so much.
"How are you so perfect, Spencer?" I asked him, pulling away from him. He gave me a half-smile.
"I'm not perfect, Penelope. And for the record, you make it easy to wanna be good to you."
We made some of my favorite lavender honey tea. Spencer came back to home away from home for some movie binging. The team has the weekend off and for once, we don't have any cases to work on. Spencer told me that he would be staying with me. I told him that he didn't have to, but he wasn't having any of it.
I awoke with a start. I blinked and tried to figure out how I was so warm. It's never this warm here. I keep forgetting to ask someone to bring me a space heater. It gets so cold here at night. They aren't used to having anyone staying here. I can't really say that I blame them, but a girl shouldn't have to get used to a bunch of cold, lonely nights.
"Go back to sleep, Pen." Spencer said, sleepily, next to me. I jumped and tried to pinpoint the source of the voice. I don't have my glasses on, so everything is blurry. I can make out a fuzzy Reid. I fumbled in the dark, trying to find my glasses on the side table, next to my make-shift bed.
"What time is it?" I asked him.
"Early," was his only reply.
"Okay," I nodded, still not convinced that I could actually go back to sleep. He moved closer to me and cuddled against my side.
"It's okay to relax." He whispered. I nodded, still not ready to close my eyes yet.
"Reid, why did you stay?" I asked him, against my better judgement. Our sleepover was strictly platonic. I wasn't about to have one of my closest friends sleep on the floor.
"What do you mean?" He asked me, sitting up, seeming to realize that I wasn't going to be able to go back to sleep.
"I just… I know that we're friends. I know that. And I know that you're a good guy, I mean, let's face it, you're one of the best men that I know. I just… I don't understand why you stayed. You could have gone home and slept in your own bed and come back to visit with me later this weekend. Why did you stay? No one else would have. No one else has." I admitted. I knew that I would probably regret my spontaneous word-vomit later, but right now, I don't care. I just need to know why. I can't help myself.
"I stayed, because I care about you, Penelope. Is that really so hard to believe? You're one of the most important people in my life. And right now, you happen to be the most overlooked. Why would I leave, when I can do something about that? You deserve so much more." He lamented.
"Even if that's true, that doesn't mean that you have to be the one to give me more." I reminded him. He shook his head and ran a hand through his hair, before bringing his hand under my chin and tilted my face up, so I had to look him in the eyes.
"I want to be the one to give you more." He enunciated every word. "I know that I'm not Derek or Kevin. I know that we've never been as close as you have been with them, but things don't have to stay that way. Let me be there for you, Penelope. Let me treat you how you deserve to be treated. Before you try to talk me out of this, or convince yourself that it isn't true, just hear me out. I know that I have never said anything. I wanted to wait for the right time. After Maeve died…" Reid's voice broke and trailed off. He looked like he was fighting to compose himself. He cleared his throat. "I needed time. When things got easier and I started to have romantic feelings again… it scared me. I wasn't ready to deal with them, yet. You had a boyfriend and I didn't want to ruin that. I just… Penelope… I care about you, so much. It kills me to see you like this. Just give this a chance. Give me a chance. What's the worst that could happen?" He asked me. I opened and closed my mouth. I didn't know how to answer him.
"Reid, you're serious." I breathed. It wasn't a question. I know that he's not one to joke, especially not something about this.
"As a heart attack," he confirmed. I nodded, not trusting my voice.
"Okay," I whispered. He leaned forward and touched his lips to mine. My eyes fluttered shut. It should be illegal for this to feel this good. It's unreal. His mouth moved with expert precision, leaving me breathless.
"Wow," he sighed, as he broke the kiss. I nodded in agreement. "You'll really consider it?" He asked to clarify.
"More than consider it. I'm willing to try this, Spencer. I want you, too." I admitted. He wrapped his arms around me and held me against him.
"I promise you Penelope, you'll never be alone again. You're not alone."