Disclaimer: X isn't mine.
Warnings: Rated 'M' for sex just to be safe, but it's not explicit.
one-shot.
You Do What You Have To
Seishirou was waiting for him in front of the office building. Not just standing; there was an ineffable air of mild-mannered patience about him that spoke eloquently of hours spent selflessly waiting in the cold. The assassin took off his sunglasses as Subaru approached and smiled with a pleading look in his brown eyes. A puppy-dog look, as if to say, Are you finally coming to get me?
Subaru wasn't fooled. He ignored Seishirou completely, taking out a crumpled cigarette and lighting it. He almost smiled as he felt Seishirou straighten and wipe the stupid look from his face in the corners of his vision. That was more like it- no masks. He was too irritable for them right now.
He could hear the smirk in Seishirou's voice as the other man eyed his slumped form. "Long day at work?" Subaru hadn't heard the other man's rich tones in far too long- they sent shivers running up and down his spine like nobody's business. Definitely something Seishirou shouldn't know- but Subaru would bet money that Seishirou knew exactly what effect he had on Subaru.
"No luck, then?" Subaru responded despite himself, watching the thin lines around Seishirou's mouth for a reaction. His wards had warned him of Seishirou's 'eyes', sendings that allowed practitioners to spy on others. Seishirou's were the work of a master, subtle and hard to pin down, like an elusive scent on a windy day. But then, Subaru's defenses were the work of a master too- hard and cold as ice, impenetrable and unimpeachable. Unavoidable. As they should be, he thought. My life is private.
"You could tell me about it," Seishirou suggested in a friendly fashion. Subaru couldn't fathom why the other man was so interested, but he did enjoy flouting Seishirou's attempts to pry into his work, especially since he succeeded at doing so every time. But today, he'd come very close to failing, though Seishirou didn't know it- and Subaru had no idea why. The ever-present feeling of control and awareness he had over his magic had just- gone. Wiped clean away.
But only for a moment, thank God- a single, forsaken moment in which he'd heard something distinctly there and unpleasant screaming in his psyche, like a caged dog far off. And then his mental walls had snapped back up, blocking his inner ears as effectively as a thick plaster wall.
"I really don't see why I should." Subaru responded, voice distinctly unfriendly. His hands were not shaking in his pockets. "I'm tired and I want to go home. And I don't want to talk to you."
He could tell he'd startled Seishirou with that one, but it was true. Dealing with Seishirou was like dancing on the edge of a knife in the midst of a blizzard- each step was entirely hit or miss, and you had to be ready to take the fall. Subaru didn't feel like attempting the battle today, tempting himself with caustic, appealing danger. Right now the only that appealed to him was the soft, warm bed in his apartment, where he could admit to himself just how very close to absolute ruin he'd come today, in more ways than one. Just when he had begun to pride himself, ever so slightly and ironically, on his control…
"Don't want to talk to me?" Seishirou's voice was low and warm, like a temple bell. He shifted, closing the already scant distance between them. Subaru looked away, tossing his half-smoked cigarette into a trashcan. When he glanced back, Seishirou's eyes were boring into his. One was nearly gold and the other flat and pale.
"No. Not tonight." Come back when we're both sane. He fought to keep his gaze steady, but he could feel Seishirou's stare on his skin like a brand. Subaru's eyes flickered for a moment, lashes swiveling down, then up. "I'm too tired," he said clearly.
"Some other night, then?" Seishirou's tone was very, very dry. You could dehydrate oceans with it.
Subaru shrugged. He knows he'll have me eventually. "Maybe I'll have a headache."
Seishirou smiled, almost imperceptibly, and eased away subtly. He tucked his hands into his pockets and Subaru noticed how very clean his hands were: even the skin underneath the nails was clean, and the nails themselves shone. Seishirou had very nice hands; they were strong, with long fingers and a look of competence about them. Usually when Subaru saw them, they were flecked with blood, or sakura pollen.
Subaru clenched his own fists as their backs twinged, the pain running along a familiar path. Down, up, across…
"Will you?" Seishirou asked casually. Subaru felt a blush slide under the skin of his cheeks, knowing that Seishirou could follow the spark of fire in Subaru's hands. His hands were cold, ice cold, but inside he was churning with anger and frustration. He could feel his face drawing itself into harsh lines, and he set his lips. He was done with childish outbursts. He knew now there was no point to them, that they accomplished nothing.
Seishirou eyed him with an almost sympathetic quirk to his lips. "Here," he said pityingly, "you have something on your cheek." He raised his hand and swiped his thumb over Subaru's cheekbone, the laziness behind the motion making it far from casual.
Subaru regarded him, feeling oddly detached for a moment. The cold air stung the tips of his exposed ears, and a gust of it pushed the hair away from his face, pressing against his forehead, nose, and cheekbones. Seishirou's lips parted in a fierce white grin as the same wind framed his face with black hair, and his hand slid down to cup Subaru's neck.
I know what you want, Subaru thought, barely stopping himself from saying it out loud. Right now, anyway. But I don't know what I want.
Seishirou bent his head and slid cool, firm lips across Subaru's. Subaru didn't move, but he knew that didn't bother Seishirou. It never had before. Seishirou's kiss was possessive and unrelenting, and it warmed up quickly. Seishirou was warm, tonight.
Eventually, he drew back. "Have a headache?"
Subaru nearly smiled in response. How polite. Demanding, but polite; coquetry was his only refuge from Seishirou's powerful insistence. He really hadn't decided one way or the other yet- he was anxious, and tired, and that single cigarette hadn't been enough to make up for the lack of smoking he did when working. "I couldn't say." His head was possibly the only thing that didn't hurt right now.
He was wondering about his answer to Seishirou's question when Seishirou decided he needed more convincing. In the blink of an eye, he wrapped a hand around Subaru's shoulder and the other around his waist, dipping his head to bite Subaru's neck. Subaru's breath hitched, and he turned towards Seishirou to allow him better purchase, grasping the other man's jacket sleeve in one hand. He wrapped his fingers around Seishirou's wrists, pulling him closer as Seishirou continued to map a path of kisses and caresses along Subaru's neck. He put his thumbs over the pulse points, feeling the blood rushing behind the darkness of his closed eyes, the heart beating steadily. His own was fluttering in his chest, awkwardly and a little painfully, like an injured animal. Seishirou's was relentless, unchanging as he maneuvered Subaru against the dirty concrete wall of the alley, pushing Subaru's shirt up so that he could run his hands underneath it.
Subaru arched into Seishirou's hands, feeling his ribcage strain against the other man's hands. He wished Seishirou would hold him more tightly, bite harder, but Seishirou liked to torment him in more ways than one. This was one of them; the other, Subaru's least favorite, was when Seishirou left in the morning before Subaru could wake up. The apartment would be cold and desolate, and smell faintly of shame. No matter how hot the water in his shower ran, Subaru always felt chilled and sick afterwards. But the hunger he was feeling now, as he wrapped his arms around Seishirou's waist and moaned softly always came back in the end. He wanted Seishirou more than he wanted peace of mind.
He was mentally charting their stumbling path through his apartment towards the bed when Seishirou drew back, lips curved in another grin. "I'm still wondering how your day went."
You'll never know, Subaru thought savagely. "You'll have to keep wondering." Though his body was practically crying for him to engage Seishirou again, he tugged down his shirt with trembling hands and backed away, proud of his self-control. Like ice.
Seishirou nodded meditatively, watching Subaru rearrange his clothes appreciatively. "I suppose you're right- little boys shouldn't stay out too late. They need their sleep."
Subaru laughed at the ridiculousness of the situation and his hoarse chuckle broke the darkness surrounding them like glass, shattering its enclosing privacy. He stepped away from Seishirou, shaking off the illusion of the sakura barrow. How discreet of Seishirou, to draw the landscape around them so that passerby wouldn't see them fumbling desperately in an alleyway.
"Yes, it's the job of little boys and cradle robbers to be well-rested." Subaru replied snidely, pulling his jacket back over his shoulders against the fierce December cold. He missed the heat of Seishirou's body tucked against him.
"Certainly," Seishirou agreed amiably, adjusting the cuffs of his button-down shirt. "Work can be dangerous when you're too tired to pay attention."
"I always pay attention to my work," Subaru snapped, irritated at the insinuation. "Even with your prying."
"Really?" Seishirou's hand shot forward and gripped Subaru wrist like a vice, raising it to eye level. His turned the inside of Subaru's wrist outwards so that they could both see the livid red and purple bruising. There was a cut in the center of the blemish. Subaru clenched his jaw and glared, eyes glittering.
Alright, so I didn't dodge fast enough. Not every ghost throws roofing tiles.
"And?" he demanded.
Seishirou's fingers brushed the edge of the bruise and tightened. "I saw this, at least." His tone was silken. Subaru jerked his hand away, aware the Seishirou was letting him do it. Noticed just now, you mean.
"It's none of your business." Subaru replied bluntly, his tone saying plainly that it sure as hell wasn't and that he wouldn't put up with anymore questions. Seishirou smoothly put his sunglasses back on and ignored Subaru.
He seemed to think for a moment while Subaru fumed a little, then he said abruptly, "That needs a bandage. Come with me."
Subaru looked steadily back at him, face showing nothing of his rapidly beating heart. "Why?"
"Because I asked you to."
"No, you didn't. You didn't ask."
"Then will you?"
Subaru jolted backwards in surprise, wondering when Seishirou had last asked Subaru for something instead of taking it. Even more strangely, this was an offer of help, sufferance.
"I-I..." Subaru stammered. "Wait. I have to.." He trailed off, furiously and methodically sorting through his memories of Seishirou from the past nine years, shuffling them, examining them, searching for some other similar instance. He wasn't expecting to find one. Thinking linearly wouldn't help him here- another shuffle. The images of his past flipped past him like a deck of cards, swimming in front of his eyes like a series of sordid paintings in a museum.
No--nothing. Nothing, Subaru thought giddily. Never before. He didn't know what to do, how to react. He just stood there, Seishirou standing impatiently before him.
But dazedly, when Seishirou tired of waiting and began to walk away, Subaru followed, feeling weak and wobbly. That was what it came down to, in the end- raw instinct, the idea that if this man left him, there would be nothing left. He craved survival, every cell in his body blind but willing to obey a force he barely understood. He felt as though he had come closer to the basic units of his existence, his subconscious animal mind sliding together pieces into a coherent whole while he went about his daily life. He had reverted and learned to keep his wary silence, but now… A change in the routine he had just adapted to…His uneasiness settled in his stomach, heavy and numb like a lump of lead.
They kept silence together, crunching quietly through the grimy crust of refrozen snow that covered the sidewalks, breath steaming into the sharp air.
Seishirou's apartment building was quiet and nondescript. The rooms inside were meticulously kept and well-decorated. Subaru stood in the living room admiring the paintings on the wall while Seishirou vanished somewhere with their jackets. He could hear Seishirou rummaging in the bathroom, and his feet drew him there unerringly, slightly curious. The other man was running hot water in the sink with a roll of gauze and a small tin of bruise ointment resting on the closed toilet seat. Subaru leaned against the doorway, watching quietly.
He didn't understand and he didn't care. He did notice the bloodstained clothes gently soaking in the bathtub. They released faintly pink tendrils to spiral up to the surface of the water.
Impatiently, Seishirou motioned him to sit down on the edge of the tub. He did, shrugging.
"You were too slow." Subaru blinked a little at the sudden intrusion on his thoughts.
"Yes." He replied after a moment. The ghost had had good aim and a lot of anger.
Seishirou took a washcloth and dunked it in the sink, wringing it out a few times. "Hold out your arm," he instructed brusquely. Subaru obeyed, and Seishirou wrapped his wrist in the washcloth, rubbing it back and forth roughly. Subaru could feel his hand warming up, the stiffness brought on by the cold melting away. Warm water ran down his raised forearm and into the crook of his elbow.
He was staring at Seishirou's reflection in the mirror and was startled when Seishirou took the washcloth away and put it in the sink. The water turned a cloudy red. With surprise, Subaru glanced down at his forearm; the small cut had broken open, and was revealed to be much larger than he'd thought. He scowled at it as it began to sting.
"Do you do this for all of your victims?" He asked, irritated and flustered by Seishirou's illusion of kindness. "Or only the ones who won't go away?" It didn't make sense.
"No," Seishirou replied calmly, swabbing Subaru's arm with alcohol and gripping Subaru by the shoulder when he began to twitch away. "Just you."
Subaru blushed for some reason and looked at his feet, feeling stifled by Seishirou's closeness and the hot, steamy bathroom. The hand on his shoulder seemed to weigh a thousand pounds. He used his other hand to wipe away the sweat forming on his face. There was a hard lump in his throat.
"Can I get up?" he asked abruptly, swallowing and averting his eyes from the clothes swimming in the tub. They gave off a sickly-sweet smell of detergent.
"No." Seishirou said, picking up the little round tin of ointment and opening it. Its raw herbal scent mixed with the detergent and made Subaru's head spin. He took a deep breath and waited as Seishirou smoothed it over his arm, which had begun to ache sharply and insistently. Seishirou flicked an inquisitive glance at him as he gripped the side of the tub with white-knuckled hands. Subaru flinched and closed his eyes; Seishirou was too close and too beautiful. He hurt Subaru's eyes.
He could hear a faint chuckle of amusement from the assassin, and felt a brief brush of fingers on his cheek, but Subaru kept his eyes closed. In a moment, there was pressure on his wrist as Seishirou began winding the gauze around it, working methodically until he was satisfied.
"There." The other man's voice seemed to come from far away, and Subaru could barely hear it through the ringing in his ears. He just couldn't understand- why was Seishirou doing this? It was unexpected and it felt wrong. He could deal with the simple things- the sex, the sneering challenges, the neglect, the nights spent in tears. He could not deal with kindness that had to be fake. He just couldn't.
"Alright. Thanks." Subaru said limply. He still didn't open his eyes. All of his other aches and pains were coming to the fore. I should get up and leave. I don't want to look at Seishirou. He wants me to stay- I can feel it. I have to leave.
There was an expectant pause, then Seishirou said, "There's extra rice and vegetables in the kitchen," and left.
Subaru put his head between his knees for a moment, then got up and followed Seishirou into the kitchen, as he'd known he would. He followed and followed and followed…Did he have to understand? Couldn't he just live as things were, without them changing?
Entering the kitchen, he stumbled and half-fell against a chair, a loud swear jolted out of his as his shoulder banged the table. Seishirou watched him with surprise as Subaru took a deep breath and held it against the vicious pain that had suddenly bloomed. After a moment, he let it out again, dropping into the chair he'd nearly tripped over. Another breath. He examined his fingers minutely: long, slender, with ragged nails, one of which was bruised and blackened. They were whitish-pink around the edges from his tight grip on the table.
"Something else you didn't tell me about?" Seishirou's voice was harsh.
Subaru didn't look up, feeling uneasy with his neck exposed to almost certain danger, but disinclined to meet the assassin's cold brown eyes. He said nothing. Something clinked in the sink as Seishirou put down whatever he had been doing, and there was a shuffling and tapping. Eventually, Seishirou's neat brown wingtips moved into his line of sight. Subaru removed his hands from the table and put them in his lap. His mouth was empty of words.
Seishirou took Subaru's arm in one hand and began rolling up Subaru's sleeve with the other. When he was done, there was a moment of silence, then he let the arm drop and went back into the bathroom, emerging a few seconds later with the gauze, ointment, and a clean washcloth.
"Do I have to tell you anything?" Subaru asked, wondering a little what the assassin's reply would be.
"You do what you have to." Seishirou responded without inflection, fingers skillfully probing the contusion on Subaru's shoulder. Subaru began to shrug, and then stopped himself. Seishirou was certainly right. You do what you have to.
Subaru had to allow Seishirou to check him all over for more injuries before the other man was satisfied, and from there the progression to sex was very simple. Seishirou's bed was softer and wider than Subaru's, but the smell was different: a little floral and a little sharp, not entirely pleasant. Somehow he had managed to mostly keep the smell of cigarettes from it. Subaru's hands were cold the whole time, and his shoulder and forearm hurt.
In the morning, he decided that he had to leave. Seishirou was still in bed, and Subaru methodically and precisely unwound the bandages from his wrist and shoulder, using them to scrape the remaining greasy layer of ointment from his skin. Then he dropped them on the bedroom floor, leaving them in stained, hardened coils on the floor. He was not sure whether or not Seishirou was actually asleep, but survival dictated that he believe so as he left the apartment.
AN: Whoah, this fic came out of nowhere! I just sat down and wrote nearly the whole thing in one sitting. Editing is of course another matter entirely. Not sure what else to really say here, other than that I hope my idea came across clearly enough, and that you liked it. Please, please leave a review. I really appreciate them, and constructive criticism is even better (because believe you me, I know I have room to improve).