Clutching his arm she struggled against the wind. She leant against his strong torso as if he were a pillar of strength, which he was to her. She stepped closer to his warm body and slowed her pace as they approached the building. She certainly had no intention in staying long but he had wanted to come, to see everyone again, after all, two years is a long time and anything could have happened, the reason they were there was proof enough of that.
"Max Gallagher, hardly a saint," Charlie addressed everyone who had shown for his wake, "Right now I think I should probably be offering a prayer for him but with him not being a believer it doesn't seem fitting. He was a good man with some less than good intentions", Tina and Duffy looked at one another fleetingly before snuggling closer to their husbands, Sean and Ryan. Charlie continued, "We shall miss him greatly and all I can hope is that he is happy wherever he may be. To Max", holding up his glass everyone followed him, "To Max", they declared in unison.
Speech over, Charlie surveyed everyone who had made an appearance. There were people there that he hadn't seen in years, people he had vowed to catch up with but never had. Pleased that he had done Max justice with all that he had organised he stepped down from the chair and began making way around the groups. Firstly he started with his most recent colleagues. Nikki sat securely in Jack's lap so he decided to leave them to it and struck up a conversation with his good friend Josh and his heavily pregnant wife.
Stepping inside the familiar bar she wrapped her arms around him in an attempt to heat them up. She looked around, remembering all that had happened there, and while she rested her head on his shoulder, allowing his arm to take its place around her waist and his hand on her hip, she also allowed him to lead her into the crowded room where they would meet and greet, compliments would be exchanged as well as hugs, apologises would come from everywhere for not keeping in touch but there would be no truth behind them. Using Barney as her safety blanket, Holly glided into the room , ready for anything that may happen.
The first person that Holly spotted was her old friend Tina from a while back, she noted that she was with her husband Sean. Tina's eyes widened once she realised who is was she was seeing and a shocked expression passed her face before subsiding to joy. They were embracing in seconds causing a disturbance with their childish giggles and girly screams. Sean shook Barney's hand and they faltered for a moment before hugging also. As they parted Holly couldn't help herself from beaming, a quick glance around the room brought her attention to Charlie who was clearly wrapped up in a conversation with two people whom she did not recognise from behind. Charlie recognised her however and he simply smiled, a smile with meaning behind it, a smile that told all.
Grabbing her husbands hand along with Tina's, Holly moved through the crowds. There was no need to push or shove, as soon as the hospital workers saw her they shared a look of astonishment before moving to clear a path. One reached out to speak to her and that was Duffy.
Holly found it hard to allow her eyes to meet those of the nurse whose life she had helped destroyed. How could she stand to be near her? She was the reason Andrew had fallen to his death, she was the reason she no longer had a husband, she was the reason her children no longer had a father. It all linked back to Holly.
Looking to the floor Holly could do nothing other than apologise. She tried to express through two little words what she had been feeling for the past two years, every bit of sorrow and guilt, every night that she had prayed to wake up and find Andrew back with his family and then not sleeping, knowing it could never happen. Duffy's face remained mutual for a moment before she smiled a sympathetic smile. She told her not to be silly, it wasn't her fault and she had never thought it was.
Relief came over Holly and as she hugged Duffy she noticed Ryan coming over, standing to the side until Duffy was alone once more. Introductions were made and Holly had never felt so much joy for someone, 'If anyone deserves to be happy, it's you' she thought to herself before making her excuses and finally reaching her target of Charlie.
At first neither of them knew what to do or what to say, what was there to be done? What was there to be said? Eventually they let their unnatural surroundings drift away and she practically threw herself into the arms of the man who had supported her like no other. Charlie was experienced, he was wise to the world and the people in it. Once the Tom situation had been dealt with, once it was good and buried (just as he was) Charlie had offered to escort Holly to Andrew's funeral. She declined in the pretence that she was ill and would not be able to attend what so ever but she did. She had remained in the distance hoping not to be seen but Charlie was like God in and out of the department, he knew all and saw all. Respecting her decision not to be part of the congregation he had decided to let her alone, assuming she would come around in her own time but when he spotted her trying to make her exit, well, Holly had never seen him move so fast. He was by her side within moments, standing in her way, trying desperately to make her stay. To speak with Duffy and not to leave things as they were but she remained adamant that she would not.
Accepting that he was achieving nothing by blocking her path, Charlie stepped aside but that was not the last Holly saw of him. He turned up at her house the next day using the old excuse of 'I was in the neighbourhood and thought I would drop by'. She had to laugh, he lived miles from her and she knew for a fact that he had no reason to be 'in her neighbourhood'. She allowed him to enter, thinking it was nothing more than a friendly visit and that she would be alone within an hour or two. She offered him tea which he gladly accepted, it was chilly day for July and he had come straight from Duffy and Andrew's graveside.
Once every pleasantry was out of the way and the tea was drunk Charlie suddenly came out with, "It wasn't your fault you know."
"I know", she had replied without looking up.
"No. Holly, it wasn't your fault", he repeated it again and again every time receiving the same answer until Holly couldn't take it any longer.
Smashing the cup to the floor, she looked at him with watery eyes and screamed, "Yes it is! I was the reason he was there Charlie, it was me, it was all me! I killed Duffy's husband, I'm the reason Dan quite and I'm the reason Patrick doesn't love me!"
Charlie, who had gotten closer and closer, wrapped his arms around and cradled her, like a father would his daughter.
"It's not your fault", he said forcefully, "It's not your fault, you didn't cause any of it, it is not your fault."
Holly clung to him and wept openly, she had never shed so many tears in her life and never would again. She fell asleep there, in Charlie's arms, and she woke there as well. For once in a long time she had not had nightmares, there had been no haunting memories from the night but more surprisingly no guilt. Charlie's words had sunk in but she would never really believe them until she heard Duffy say it herself.
Now back in the arms of Charlie, Holly felt safe again and she never wanted to let go, but she had to. However, before their embrace was broken she let a few tears fall and whispered, "Why didn't he love me Charlie? Why didn't he love me?"
"He did", he replied, "He just never let it show."
Wiping her eyes, carefully minding her mascara, Holly looked once more into the face of her saviour. He had helped her through the biggest struggle of her life, he had helped re-start that life in Scotland and had passed on the good news about Barney. He was back home, not far from her and if she felt like it she could make contact.
Peering over her shoulder Charlie spotted him, flashing his wedding ring about the place. His eyes wondered down to his own which Holly now held and there he saw it, the band of gold signifying her and Barney's love and marriage. No congratulations was said, another look into her eyes where everything that was needed to be said was said.
'Eyes are the window to the soul', he had once told her, 'You can tell everything about a person by looking into their eyes. When I look into yours I see loneliness and pain. I hope, one day, I see different.'
Knowing what was running through her mind, the last thing he said to her before she left with her friends was, "I see something different at last. I wish you all the happiness in the world Holly Wolfe and remember, I will always be here for you."
Holly trusted his words, he would always be there for her to run back to and as she left for the bathroom with Colette she felt a sense of longing, she needed to stay, for some unknown reason she felt like she would be needing him sooner than she had planned but with her two girlfriends gripping her hands she didn't see anyway out of the bathroom visit - although it would mostly be an exchange of gossip.
Tina washed her hands as she spoke, "So", she asked, "You and Barney huh? And you and Josh! What happened there?"
"I feel in love", both Holly and Colette answered together. They laughed at how similar they still were and how things had changed, yet it seemed as if they hadn't.
The topic of conversation stayed on the old days, then focused on Colette and Josh before returning to Holly and Barney. She believed she had answered every question clearly and had given off enough information not to be probed again. Sadly, she was wrong. The girls were about to leave when Colette finally plucked up enough courage to ask what she had wanted to for years. Why had Holly left Patrick?
Hearing his name after so long brought tears to her eyes so she closed them and willed herself not to cry.
"You know why", was all she could mutter due to her trembling lip.
"But that's the thing Hol, I don't. No one does. He especially didn't."
Holly's brow crumpled, 'didn't' was in the past tense meaning he now did. Colette realised her mistake too late. There wasn't any way she could back-peddle, Holly would have to know that she wasn't around anymore, she would have to know that he was dead.
"Didn't?", Holly questioned, "Do you mean he knows now or that he doesn't work here anymore?" Colette simply shook her head glumly, "He's not…he can't be…he's not dead?"
Holly choked on her words. She couldn't speak. Patrick was dead. Her Patrick was dead. Tina and Colette held Holly and tried to comfort her in any way possible but as she slid to the floor in tears, she wished for everything to go away. For her to be anywhere other than a friends funeral.
Unbeknown to the others, Lara sat on the inside of one of the cubicles within ear shot of everything. She had been upset by Max's death and had sought refuge in the ladies but now her only option was to listen some more. To find out who this Holly was, how she had know Patrick and why she was so upset at his death.
Holly asked all the usual things. When, where and why? Of course no one could answer why, it was just one of those things that happened for no good reason and although it may hurt like it hell, it was all part of God's master plan.
"I shouldn't have left", Holly now faced her own reflection, "I should have stayed with him but I didn't think he wanted me to, I didn't think he wanted me. Why has this happened to me?"
'Why has this happened to you?' Lara thought angrily 'I'm the one who's lost her fiancé, I'm the one he loved and I'm the one who has lost the man she was meant to be with.'
"Nobody plans these things, they just happen", Tina tried her hardest to calm her friend down, "Just think of all the good times you had and the love you shared."
Lara gasped at the same moment as Holly replied, "Love? You call running out on me when I needed him love? He left me Tina, on my own to deal with all the crap that was my life. He never loved me."
"He did", the two friends spoke together, "If he didn't love you…why would have planned on proposing to you?"
Lara and Holly placed a hand over their mouths. Neither could believe what they had just heard.
"Propose?", Holly whispered, "How…how do you know?"
"Well", Tina began, "I came over to see you once I heard from Chloe what had happened. Unfortunately you had already taken off and no one knew where you were. I spoke to Patrick…we both did. For once in his life he let his guard down and allowed himself to be upset. He showed us the diamond. He was going to have it set in a ring when you came back, you know, he didn't want to get the wrong size. He wanted it to be perfect for you…but you didn't come back."
Lara sat gripping her engagement ring that hung around her neck. It was hers. She was the one he had wanted to marry not some strange woman she had never met before. She tensed all over at the thought of him and another woman, a woman who wasn't her. It was more than she could bare and it took a minute or so before she realised that the ring had drawn blood from the palm of her hand. Releasing the pressure she had created she held the ring between her thumb and index finger, letting the red liquid drip onto her pitch black trousers not bothering to wipe it off.
Hearing the door open and close, she knew she was alone in the bathroom.
"I loved you", she said, "And you said you loved me, now I see what a lie that was."
Lara ripped the necklace off, and standing up she turned, lifted the lid of the toilet seat and dropped her once cherished possession down it. The illusion she had created of the perfect Patrick, the perfect relationship and their perfect love had been destroyed.