18/05/12
Dear Chloe,
It's been two days since I last saw you and it hasn't been great. I can't close my eyes and not think of you, I can't go on Facebook without looking at your profile to see if anything has changed.
I sent out the invites to me 21st – couldn't send you one. It's a onesie-themed party – all I could think about was that epic day on the couch when we were both wearing onesies. You told me that you were falling in love with me – I think you already knew that you loved me, I could see it in the way you looked at me.
I'm trying my best to hate you – I just want my feelings toward you to change. I've been thinking about when I cried in front of you and it felt like you pitied me. And when you made me give you one of my mixes – I don't think you realized what a huge deal that was for me. And how you got drunk a few times and told me things that would give me hope, and then you'd take them away the next day – like when you told me you loved me, I don't blame you for taking that back but it hurt.
I hate the way we left things but I blame myself for that – I can't believe how stupid I was, I've never felt worse my entire life. The car ride felt like a mixture of physical illness and emotional instability. It felt like every time I had to pull over to throw up, I was just throwing up the little parts of me that are connected to you. It hurts Chlo and most of all I just want to talk to my friend about it, but she isn't there either.
I'm trying to get over you - but its too hard. I need to hate you – but I know I'm just fooling myself.
I love you
Xx Beca
19/05/12
Dear Chloe,
I saw Amy this morning – I had to give her back some of her stuff. She asked me how I was; I smiled and said I was dealing with it. She described it as a break up (what we went through) and I realized she was right. It was the first time I thought of it that way.
I saw some friends today for lunch - Jess and Stacy. Jess is the one who knows the whole story, she asked me about it but I couldn't talk about it. We were in the car and she talked to me about how her feelings for her ex just fizzled away, she didn't believe they would but they did. Hers is a really similar situation to ours but they had years together and I can't help but think that she doesn't understand.
No one understands.
I miss you
Xx Beca
19/05/12
Dear Chloe,
Fuck I miss you
Xx Beca
20/05/12
Dear Chloe,
There's some gross and some weird news for you today.
The gross news is that this morning I got up and went to brush my teeth and found that my toothbrush was wet. I asked Stacy if she used it, and she goes 'which one is yours?' – I said 'the orange one' – she said 'no…that's Rob's…'
It turns out that for the last few months I have mistakenly been using the same toothbrush as Stacy's boyfriend because I thought it was my home toothbrush and it turns out it was his actual stay-over toothbrush. I didn't have the heart to tell her, I just told her I left mine in the shower. I promptly went and bought a new toothbrush today – an electric one so there will definitely be no mix up next time. It was whack.
Weird news is that we both posted on the same fb comment (the one CR posted in the Bella's group) – I just liked your comment so you knew I was still thinking about you. It's the same reason I commented on your pic in the onesies – I just wanted you to know I got home safe. It felt like a ghost of contact with you.
I had coffee with Amy this afternoon and she asked if I wanted to talk about you and the whole situation, I couldn't. I realized on the way home that I was being super over-dramatic about this whole thing. I'm acting like it's the end of the world that we aren't speaking. I'm being stupid. I'll see you in less than 3 weeks. I'm going to stop being a drama queen. I still miss you but I'll see you soon and we can pretend to be just friends, I don't think we will be just friends, not for a while anyway. We kept saying how the holidays were coming at a good time; I don't think they were, I wish we had more time in our dream world before this suckiness. What sucks more is that I know you'll be in LA some of the time and it would be so easy for us to hang out.
Basically I need to chill. As I'm sure you are, I bet you're all shacked up with Tom and you aren't even thinking about me. I wish I knew. I kept a copy of your number, I wrote it down on a piece of paper and put it into an old jewelry box that I put at the bottom of my cupboard underneath all my shoes. I put a sticky not on it saying 'are you sure you want to do this?' I wanted to make sure that even when I'm drunk ill have to take time and think about it before I can call you. I know you need space from me and me calling you will make things harder for you. It's so hard to stay away.
I miss my friend.
Xx Beca