Interview with Professor Severus Snape: the Untold Story

Amelia: Hello and welcome to the interview with Severus Snape. I thank you for tuning into WNN. So, let's get started shall we? First question: Professor Snape, What made you start teaching?

Snape: I started teaching because that was the first step to me taking over the world. See, I could corrupt the pathetic minds of today's idiotic youth and use them for my evil doings.

Amelia: blinks and says slowly ookkaayy, next question, what are the benefits of teaching?

Snape: Nothing, the pay's lousy, the idiots that I teach get dumber and dumber every year, and to top it all off the living conditions for the teachers sucks royally! Oh, and the food tastes like crap.

Amelia: Riiiggghhtt, so moving on, what is the best part of your day?

Snape: The part where I make Neville Longbottom cry. I think my record is 2 minutes into the class. I'm still trying to break that record.

Amelia: That's really harsh, don't you think professor?

Snape: Yeah, but something's gotta keep me from committing suicide, and it definately isn't that Psychiatrist that Dumbledore referred me to.

Amelia: Uhm, well, fidgets uncomfortably H-have you ever thought of getting help elsewhere?

Snape: Well, I was thinking of torturing-

Amelia: Moving along, what do you do in your spare time?

Snape: I like to make dart boards out of my students and play darts. I think I person I usually hit the most is Harry. My record is 13 times in the groin.

Amelia: eyes widen with fear May I ask exactly how your child life was like?

Snape: It was Hell. My dad was never around. My mom was drinking herself stupid in the bathroom every night. My house----

Oliver: Hey Amelia did you here about that new movie that's coming out tomorrow?

Amelia: Ooh, Ooh, that one about the girl who likes this boy and they fall in love? And then they break up and they get back together again. And then the girl dies and the boy is depressed? And-

Snape: Doesn't anyone ever listen to me anymore! Nobody loves me; I'm so unpopular! My hair is greasy, my Barbies are cheating on me-

Amelia/ Oliver: Huh?

Snape: pulls out a Barbie FINE BARBIE, I FOUND SOMEBODY NEW! And they DON't cheat on me! Pulls out voodoo dolls of Harry, Ron, Hermione, Oliver, Amelia, Fred, George, Ginny, and Bridget.

Amelia: Hey-HEY, is that ME? Hey, I don't dress like that and my waist is not that big, and my hair isn't that ugly dishwater brown color, and I don't wear those kind of shoes and...goes on rambling

Oliver: Dude, is that me? Ah, man, you totally screwed that up. Here, lemme fix it. grabs the voodoo doll of him See, do I wear this type of clothing? looks at the Abercrombie and Fitch sweater and khaki pants the doll has on

Snape: Hey, give me a break, okay! I can only afford to shop at So quit your bitching!

Oliver: Dude, there is no need for this kind of language. Especially when there's a lady around.

Snape: Lady, Where? I don't see a lady.

Amelia: suddenly stops rambling in the middle of her sentence And my nails are not-EXCUSE ME? Excuuuuse ME? What do you mean I'm not a lady! I most certainly am! Do see this hair, do you see these nails, DO YOU SEE THESE BOOBS, DO YOU SEE THIS SKIRT! tugs at skirt DO YOU SEE THESE SIX INCH HIGH-HEELS? DO YOU THINK YOU CAN WEAR THESE SIX INCH HIGH-HEELS!

Snape: Actually, I tried wearing some in a drag queen pageant, but I fell and broke my heels and Dumbledore found out. That is when he referred me to a psychiatrist.

Oliver: has an odd look on his face Dude dude, TMI. Waaaayyyy TMI.

Amelia: Wretches that image will haunt me 'til the day I die!

Oliver: Tell me about it.

Amelia: Suddenly distracted Hey, hey, hey, as a reporter, it is my duty to serve the good people of the magical community by poking around in other people's personal lives and that's what I'm going to do, so if you don't mind I'D LIKE TO GET BACK TO MY INTERVIEW! Moving on, Professor Snape, what types of things do you do to your voodoo dolls?

Snape: Well, there are a lot of things I enjoy, but this one is my favorite. winks Hrm which should I choose, today. Ah yes, picks up the Harry doll Harry. So it seems we meet again my sweet. picks up a needle and aims it to Harry's groin

: Scene flashes to Prof. McGonagall's class:

Harry: grabs his crotch and moans Owwwwwww...

Ron: What? Harry, what's wrong? Is it your scar?

Harry: N-no, it's...it's...

Ron: What? What?

Hermione: For goodness sake, let him finish his sentence!

Harry:...my...MY GRRRRRRROINNN!

Prof. McGonnagall: Mr. Potter! I will not tolerate such language in my class! That'll be detention!

:Back to the studio:

Snape:snickers to himself Ha, ha, ha sucker!

:Scene flashes back to Professor McGonnagall's class:

Prof. McGonnagall: I know that was you Severus, and I think we'll have another chat in therapy tomorrow!

:Scene flashes back to Studio:

Snape: Dammit!

Amelia: Well, I think that about wraps it up for this week, see you next week when we interview Percy Weasley, the world's biggest asshole! Until next week, keep watching the skies! The truth is out there!

:Chloe enters:

Chloe: Hey Amelia ,did you hear about that movie that opens tomorrow?

Amelia: Eyes widen Ohh, ohh! The one about the girl who likes the boy and they fall in love! And then he tragically cheats on her when she's in the hospital dying of a brain tumor, and then he realizes that he's nothing without her and begs her to take him back and then she dies and he's really depressed, but then he meets another girl and the whole thing starts over and it's one vicious cycle?

Oliver: Dude, do you guys realize that we were on the air this whole entire time? Everyone stops and blinks, curtains close