Smash Auditions!
Master Hand sat (er... floated) back in his chair. Another stressful day in the Smash Mansion... Wario ate Mario's Mushrooms and started tripping
out, Toon Link and Young Link met and started having an existential crisis, and Roy tried to sneak back into the Mansion!
He breathed a sigh of relief as he finally decompressed... finally, after a day of crisises, combat, and over-the-top laser shows, Master Hand could
enjoy some peace and quiet.
That is, until his phone started ringing.
The oversized hand jumped up, and immediately started scrambling to pick up the telephone, "H-hello?!" He began, before accidentally crushing the
puny telephone in-between his magnificent fingers.
"GOOD GRIEF!" Yelled Master Hand, releasing a heavy sigh as he floated directly above the crushed telephone, "Hello? It's Herschel P. Hand here..."
"Ah, hello, Master Hand..." Responded the 'person' on the other end of the phone, "I've been expecting you... mainly because I'm the one who called
you here."
"Wait..." Master Hand made a generic, stock 'hmmm' noise, "Wait... is this... is this Miyamo-"
"No no no!" The man on the other end hurriedly interjected, "You may not refer to me by my true name!"
"Why not? Is somebody tapped into our conversation?" Master Hand questioned. If he had a face, it would express a shocked expression!
"No, of course not! What is this, 'Phoenix Wright'? No, it's simply that the rules of this website, I am not allowed to be an actual person!
Therefore, using the science of NINTENDO, I have transformed myself into the legendary Pokemon MIYAMOTOMON!"
There was a long pause.
"... Okay then..." Master Hand said slowly, "First of all, what would you like? And, secondly, can you take your happy-sane-pills after this
conversation is over?"
"Well, Master Hand, it's about time for a fourth installment of 'Super Smash Bros'! So, in other words, get off your lazy, non-existent butt and hold
auditions for a Roster!" Miyamotomon proclaimed excitedly, "Also, NO PROMISES ARE MADE ABOUT THOSE PILLS, YOUNG ONE!"
"Alright, alright, fine..." Sighed Master Hand, "Is there anything else you need, Miyamotomon?"
"Er... a representative of Sega is coming at me with a Master Ball, but I have time for one more question!" Miyamotomon confessed urgently, "How,
exactly, do you talk? I'm part of the company that designed you and I don't even know!"
"It's a complex system of mirrors and pulleys." Master Hand answered.
"... Okay then..." Miyamotomon hung up the phone, and Master Hand, in turn, floated back to his chair, slinking back. Sure, someone had to do these
auditions... but, they were exhausting! So many third-string hero wannabes...
Though, nobody said Master Hand had to be the one to hold the auditions! (Well, Miyamotomon did... but, who listens to that crazy old Pokemon
anyways?)
Master Hand rose triumphantly out of his chair... mainly for atmosphere. He bellowed at the top of his non-existent lungs, "HEYYYYYYYY YOOOOOOOU
GUUUUUUUUYS!"
As with any good superior, Master Hand knew how to get his subordinates attention. There was no better way, theorized Master Hand, to get the
attention of Smashers than a well-placed 'Goonies' reference!
Before you could say Truffle Shuffle, post-pubescent Link, Mario, and Kirby strolled into Master Hand's office. (Well, in Kirby's case, it was more
of a SUPER KAWAII~ waddle.)
"You called for the Goonies, Master Hand?" Asked Kirby, who sat on Link's lap, both so he could see over Master Hand's desk, and so he could make the
situation just a tad more awkward for everyone involved.
"Dammit, Kirby-a!" Scolded Mario, "I-a told you! We-a are the A-a-Team! Not the Goonies! Do I have to-a kick you in the meatballs, you stupid
garbanzo?!"
"... Honestly, I always presumed Kirby was just one big, giant, jiggly meatball." Admitted Link.
Master Hand sighed, thinking to himself about how he shouldn't base his entire hiring system over who responds to his call first, "Look, I have a job
for you three. I want you to hold auditions for the 'Super Smash Bros. 4' roster!"
Mario slammed the palms of his hands on to Master Hand's desk, "Mama Mia! Why us?! I'm-a busy tastin' the princesses' cake, if you know what-a I
mean!"
"Intercourse?" Suggest Link.
The Mustachioed Plumber smacked Link on the back of the head, "You stupid fairy! I meant I was helping her-a in culinary school!"
"... What I believe my compatriate Mario meant was, what would happen if we said no?" Kirby spoke.
Master Hand released an uproarious burst of laughter, "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Of course, I wouldn't mind! Unless you want to end up like... Roy."
The three heroes responded with a comedic gulping sound effect.
"Y'know, if I had a face, I'd be smiling!" Confessed Master Hand in a jolly tone, "I'll see you in an hour for your first audition!"
A quick little story I worked up- it's a remake of one of my first fan fictions. Don't expect updates too often... but, hey, they'll still be there!
Next time on Smash Auditions:
We actually live up to the goddamned premise!
PS, any characters you want to audition as a newcomer?