* Authors' Note: We in no way, shape, form, or fashion, own Harry Potter or any of it's characters. That all belongs to J. K. Rowling. May she live forever!
We got the idea for this story after reading a few Snape/Hermione stories. They were all a part of some challenge going on, but it has been so long since then, we have forgotten all the rules and guidelines for that particular challenge. But we decided the story was funny, and we wrote it down anyway. It's a little dark, but its really just meant to be a joke. Enjoy!
Breakups and Heart Potion
It was the end of Potions class. Hermione Granger watched the other Gryffindors and Slytherins exit the classroom. She was waiting for the room to empty completely. When the last student, Neville Longbottom, had left, she slowly and purposefully made her way to the front of the classroom. She had something to say and it was now or never.
At his desk sat Professor Severus Snape, jotting some last minute notes on a piece of parchment, a scowl on his face. He glanced up as she approached the desk.
"Yes, Miss Granger?" he said, as he continued writing. Hermione hesitated, then began as if she had rehearsed her first line.
"We have to talk," she said matter of factly.
"I am very busy, Miss Granger," he said as he continued to write, not bothering to look up. "As you can see, Mr. Longbottom has once again left my classroom in a state of utter chaos. I have but a few short minutes to finish my notes and clean this mess up before my next class starts."
Hermione surveyed the room around her. There were overturned cauldrons and spilled potion everywhere. She waved her hand and began to speak more casually this time. "Oh yeah, he's a brainless git. But, what I have to say won't take long, Severus."
"Miss Granger, I would prefer you stick to formalities while you're in my classroom," He began, sounding rather annoyed.
"Oh please, Sevy, we're alone now. You can call me Hermione!" She said in a mock exasperated voice.
He stood up to face her. " It seems you have forgotten your place, Miss Granger," He said through gritted teeth.
"And it seems you have forgotten that you are dating me behind the headmaster's back, Professor." She said coolly.
"Shhhhhhhhh!" he whispered, leaning across his desk. "Keep your voice down, Malfoy is in my store room collecting ingredients for an extra credit potions assignment!"
She began again in a low, but confident voice. "Never mind that, Sevy, you won't have to worry about keeping secrets for very much longer."
"Why do you say that?" he asked.
"Because I'm breaking up with you."
"WHAT!?!?"
Hermione thought she'd never see Snape's eyes bug out of his head, and if she had had a camera, she would have been sure to take a picture. The door to the store room opened, and out popped the blonde head of Draco Malfoy, a confused expression on his face.
"Is everything all right, Professor S?" he said
Snape waved his hand dismissively to the Slytherin boy. "N-Never you mind, Draco," he said shakily. "Back to your work."
Draco gave a small nod and disappeared back into the store room.
"But why?" he asked her in an exasperated whisper.
"Well, because I'm going to be graduating soon, and I need to keep my options open."
"Meaning?" he said
"Well, meaning that I have other would-be suitors. Don't get me wrong, you're a great guy who's got a lot going for him. I mean, look at you. You've got a fantastic job at a prestigious wizarding school. You could very well be headmaster one day. Plus, you're very, errr....tall. Oh, and you have that cool tattoo--"
"We've been over this," he said through gritted teeth. " It's a Dark Mark."
"Right, Dark Mark, that's what I meant," she said. " Anyway, for all those reasons and more, I think you'll find that you just don't need me. Why, I- I'd probably just hold you back from all your success."
Snape gave her a piercing, questionable look. " What other would-be suitors are you talking about? I want names! Addresses! Phone numbers if they're muggles!"
Hermione sighed.
"That's another thing about you that I could never get past. You have a huge jealous streak and homicidal tendencies. I never know when you're going to take a notion to flip out and try to kill someone," she said in her defense.
"Just tell me their names," he said.
"Well, there's Viktor Krum, the international Quidditch star. I've been corresponding with him via owl for a couple of years now. And, to a lesser extent, there's, um, there's... Ron Weasley."
She had almost mumbled Ron's name. Snape looked a little taken aback.
"I beg your pardon," he said.
"Ron Weasley," she said a little louder. Snape scowled.
"Surely, you don't mean the same Ron Weasley who has aided that-that Potter in wreaking devastation in my classes for the past seven years, causing me to suffer unduly?" He gave a snort. After a long pause of shaking his head in disbelief, he continued. "And what, pray tell, do you find so, ugh, appealing about him?"
"He-he makes me laugh. And besides, I just think it's time for me to find someone my own age."
"Your own age?"
"Yeah. What I mean to say is, you're a great guy, but you're, how should I put this ... totally old."
"OLD!?!" Then he quickly remembered Malfoy in his store room, and lowered his voice. "Old?" he said again in a harsh whisper. "Well, in that case, Miss Granger, you fail!"
Hermione's mouth gaped open. "W-What?"
Snape was livid. "You heard me. I'm failing you."
"You can't do that!"
"Oh I can't, can I?"
"No, as a matter of fact, you can't. It would be unethical. I'll- I'll... tell Dumbledore!"
Snape winced at her last sentence. As much as he hated to admit it, she had him on this one.
"Very well," he hissed, "we're through. Now get out of my sight, Miss Granger."
Without another word Hermione quickly left the classroom, afraid of what might happen if she stuck around.
Snape stood staring at the door from which Hermione had just exited, his fists clenched. "Old," he repeated bitterly. Then he folded his arms across his chest in almost a pouting stance. "I am NOT old!" he wailed. Upon doing this, Draco Malfoy's head emerged once more from the store room.
"Are you sure everything's all right, Professor S?"
Snape felt a sharp pain. Clutching his chest, he sank back down into his chair. "Malfoy," he panted, "fetch me my heart potion, and forget anything you may have heard just now."
"Right away, Professor S!" he said enthusiastically, and dashed back inside the store room.
The End
Well, what did you think? Pretty bad, eh?
We got the idea for this story after reading a few Snape/Hermione stories. They were all a part of some challenge going on, but it has been so long since then, we have forgotten all the rules and guidelines for that particular challenge. But we decided the story was funny, and we wrote it down anyway. It's a little dark, but its really just meant to be a joke. Enjoy!
Breakups and Heart Potion
It was the end of Potions class. Hermione Granger watched the other Gryffindors and Slytherins exit the classroom. She was waiting for the room to empty completely. When the last student, Neville Longbottom, had left, she slowly and purposefully made her way to the front of the classroom. She had something to say and it was now or never.
At his desk sat Professor Severus Snape, jotting some last minute notes on a piece of parchment, a scowl on his face. He glanced up as she approached the desk.
"Yes, Miss Granger?" he said, as he continued writing. Hermione hesitated, then began as if she had rehearsed her first line.
"We have to talk," she said matter of factly.
"I am very busy, Miss Granger," he said as he continued to write, not bothering to look up. "As you can see, Mr. Longbottom has once again left my classroom in a state of utter chaos. I have but a few short minutes to finish my notes and clean this mess up before my next class starts."
Hermione surveyed the room around her. There were overturned cauldrons and spilled potion everywhere. She waved her hand and began to speak more casually this time. "Oh yeah, he's a brainless git. But, what I have to say won't take long, Severus."
"Miss Granger, I would prefer you stick to formalities while you're in my classroom," He began, sounding rather annoyed.
"Oh please, Sevy, we're alone now. You can call me Hermione!" She said in a mock exasperated voice.
He stood up to face her. " It seems you have forgotten your place, Miss Granger," He said through gritted teeth.
"And it seems you have forgotten that you are dating me behind the headmaster's back, Professor." She said coolly.
"Shhhhhhhhh!" he whispered, leaning across his desk. "Keep your voice down, Malfoy is in my store room collecting ingredients for an extra credit potions assignment!"
She began again in a low, but confident voice. "Never mind that, Sevy, you won't have to worry about keeping secrets for very much longer."
"Why do you say that?" he asked.
"Because I'm breaking up with you."
"WHAT!?!?"
Hermione thought she'd never see Snape's eyes bug out of his head, and if she had had a camera, she would have been sure to take a picture. The door to the store room opened, and out popped the blonde head of Draco Malfoy, a confused expression on his face.
"Is everything all right, Professor S?" he said
Snape waved his hand dismissively to the Slytherin boy. "N-Never you mind, Draco," he said shakily. "Back to your work."
Draco gave a small nod and disappeared back into the store room.
"But why?" he asked her in an exasperated whisper.
"Well, because I'm going to be graduating soon, and I need to keep my options open."
"Meaning?" he said
"Well, meaning that I have other would-be suitors. Don't get me wrong, you're a great guy who's got a lot going for him. I mean, look at you. You've got a fantastic job at a prestigious wizarding school. You could very well be headmaster one day. Plus, you're very, errr....tall. Oh, and you have that cool tattoo--"
"We've been over this," he said through gritted teeth. " It's a Dark Mark."
"Right, Dark Mark, that's what I meant," she said. " Anyway, for all those reasons and more, I think you'll find that you just don't need me. Why, I- I'd probably just hold you back from all your success."
Snape gave her a piercing, questionable look. " What other would-be suitors are you talking about? I want names! Addresses! Phone numbers if they're muggles!"
Hermione sighed.
"That's another thing about you that I could never get past. You have a huge jealous streak and homicidal tendencies. I never know when you're going to take a notion to flip out and try to kill someone," she said in her defense.
"Just tell me their names," he said.
"Well, there's Viktor Krum, the international Quidditch star. I've been corresponding with him via owl for a couple of years now. And, to a lesser extent, there's, um, there's... Ron Weasley."
She had almost mumbled Ron's name. Snape looked a little taken aback.
"I beg your pardon," he said.
"Ron Weasley," she said a little louder. Snape scowled.
"Surely, you don't mean the same Ron Weasley who has aided that-that Potter in wreaking devastation in my classes for the past seven years, causing me to suffer unduly?" He gave a snort. After a long pause of shaking his head in disbelief, he continued. "And what, pray tell, do you find so, ugh, appealing about him?"
"He-he makes me laugh. And besides, I just think it's time for me to find someone my own age."
"Your own age?"
"Yeah. What I mean to say is, you're a great guy, but you're, how should I put this ... totally old."
"OLD!?!" Then he quickly remembered Malfoy in his store room, and lowered his voice. "Old?" he said again in a harsh whisper. "Well, in that case, Miss Granger, you fail!"
Hermione's mouth gaped open. "W-What?"
Snape was livid. "You heard me. I'm failing you."
"You can't do that!"
"Oh I can't, can I?"
"No, as a matter of fact, you can't. It would be unethical. I'll- I'll... tell Dumbledore!"
Snape winced at her last sentence. As much as he hated to admit it, she had him on this one.
"Very well," he hissed, "we're through. Now get out of my sight, Miss Granger."
Without another word Hermione quickly left the classroom, afraid of what might happen if she stuck around.
Snape stood staring at the door from which Hermione had just exited, his fists clenched. "Old," he repeated bitterly. Then he folded his arms across his chest in almost a pouting stance. "I am NOT old!" he wailed. Upon doing this, Draco Malfoy's head emerged once more from the store room.
"Are you sure everything's all right, Professor S?"
Snape felt a sharp pain. Clutching his chest, he sank back down into his chair. "Malfoy," he panted, "fetch me my heart potion, and forget anything you may have heard just now."
"Right away, Professor S!" he said enthusiastically, and dashed back inside the store room.
The End
Well, what did you think? Pretty bad, eh?