When Captain James Kirk awoke in that room for the thirty-first day he knew that this was going to be the defining day of the hearing. Over the past thirty days he had listened to the many testimonies about his performance as a captain of a starship and of how he related to the crew of his ship. His ship. Did he still have a ship?
As had happened every morning since the incident he found he had more questions than answers and his thoughts were far too jumbled. He had had it all and lost it all.
Five times during the hearing he had heard the recording of himself giving the order to fire on the freighter. He heard the voice he knew was his but one he did not recognize as his voice. There had been no warning given, no attempt to save the ten men that had been the crew. His order to fire had an air of excitement, command, and dominate superiority to it. The voices of those on the bridge could be clearly heard advising him against it and he had said not to question him as he was the captain. Foreign voices, voices of those who were there are part of a crew exchange Command had ordered. He had not heard from any of his crew apart from the two senior officers who had remained on that ship and whose testimonies had been heard but neither of them had been allowed to actually see him until today.
This would be the first chance he would have to at least see McCoy and Scotty. They were there to answer any questions that might have arisen following the statements they had made earlier. He had hoped that some of the others would be there but all he was sure of was that Scotty and McCoy would be there.
As he sat waiting for the escort to the hearing he thought over the events of the month long exchange of senior crew that Command had thought would be a good trial for the future transferring in emergency situations of senior crew members. It was to see how quickly the crew of one starship would mesh with another captain and crew. While he got the whole bridge crew of an older starship that was to be decommissioned the members of his bridge crew were away at various locations and, he closed his eyes and shook his head as he recalled the events that took place during their last meeting, Spock was permanently transferred off the ship and was said to be working in Command's main science complex.
What had made him so pleased to be part of the exchange was that he would have the crew that had an old academy friend as their captain. He had been curious as to how different their methods might be after all this time. The Thomas Ward that he remembered was one to follow orders with no question or deviation and yet would help him find a loophole so that they could try their own ways of solving a problem. Of all the people he knew at the time it had only been Ward who remotely suspected him of doing something so he could pass the Kobayashi Maru test.
They had those four days at Command to get the crew members who were to be part of the exchange sorrted and to talk before the month long trial took place. As the whole concept had been put to Command almost a year before he was granted the right to have his entire bridge crew on the Enterprise: his Communications Officer, Helmsman, Navigator, First Officer, and Science Officer were to be the senior crew on the Enterprise. At first he had been uneasy with none of his own senior bridge crew aboard but knew it was only for five weeks and Command had said that his crew need not go to the same ship or even necessarily to any ship as they had often had to serve on different ship and been proven to adjust quickly to new leadership and meshing in with another crew. He had left it up to Spock as to where Uhura, Chekov, Sulu, and himself went as he wanted more time to catch up with his old friend. Ward had passed a comment about how he had relied on Spock to do it and he had said he trusted him and his decisions more than he trusted his own. Ward had smiled and said that was good as it gave them more time together. For those four days they did a lot of drinking together and he had not had a meal with any of the others as he and Ward talked about the past and what the coming month would be like. He had not thought that after four days of being with Ward he could have reacted as he had to a simple questions from Spock that would change his life so much. He would have said it was impossible for anything to change him so much that he would have said what he did to Spock, would have ever treated him as he had.
No, he would not think of that. It still hurt too much to remember that. He felt, as he had for several days now, that he could not think clearly. Too many unanswered questions kept returning. His mind was racing and he seemed unable to catch up or slow it down. So many thoughts and memories of the last thirty days colliding in his mind, tangling and untangling, confusion and clarity. A part of him saying that when Spock left so did the better part of him and another part saying Spock had held him back while a third part said that Spock completed him in non-carnal ways nobody else could ever understand
There was no denying that Ward's crew had all been competent at their roles and nothing seemed all that unusual. He had had to admit that they were not up to the level of his own crew but then Spock was the driving force for that. Spock had been the one always encouraging them to learn more, helping them learn and experience more. It had been so different, and to a degree difficult, to have both a Science Officer and a First Officer after Spock always being there, always been the two in one. The exchange crew had also been more insistent that he really follow McCoy's orders regarding eating and drinking than his own crew was.
Twice in the first fourteen days he had gone to see McCoy as he had a dull headache that he could not shake and all Bones had said was it was a mental readjustment to the situation on the bridge. He clearly remembered how, on the last time he had seen and spoken with McCoy, he had flared at him for defending Spock, when McCoy had said how Spock would be better at saying what was wrong with him than he was. McCoy had taken blood tests the first three times he had gone but on the last two times he had gone McCoy had treated him more like a seriously ill patient by taking many readings and samples.
It was obvious that neither Scotty nor McCoy could understand why the results of the tests were normal when they both told him that he was not himself. Over the last week aboard the ship he had seen them exchange glances quite often and knew they were thinking of Spock, not just from the medical aspect but also Scotty had said how useless the exchange crew were in Engineering and that whoever were at the helm and navigation stations were as useful as single drop of water was to putting out a fire on the sun.
It would be good if he could have some time alone with Scotty and Bones but he knew that would not be possible. He knew there was so much evidence against him to allow him any private time or close contact with them. All the scans and tests that had been done on the ship's medical equipment had been normal which seemed to surprise the medical staff and not just McCoy and Scotty. Scotty and his officers had also been surprised that the scans and tests done in Engineering had also been clear of any faults.
The more he thought of his emotional outburst at Spock in front of so many on the bridge the more unease he felt. The more he calmly thought about it the more lost and alone he felt. It had been there, the way that Spock had looked at him, said nothing for a moment and then said, "I will take my leave of you, Captain James T. Kirk, as that is your expressed wish. May you live long and prosper." he had raised his hand as he had spoken then slowly turned and walked away.
He clearly remembered looking around the bridge and seeing the looks on the faces of both his crew and the exchange crew. He remembered how Uhura calmly took the earpiece out of her ear, handed it to the officer who was to man her station, and said to him, "I am sure, Captain Kirk, that you will be able to find a Communications Officer to replace me as well, Sir." before she walked to the turbolift. For a moment there had been almost a stunned silence then Chekov stood, lightly touched the control board he had been sitting behind before saying to the officer taking over his position, "It is yours." and Kirk heard him say, almost spit out, "Cossack." as he walked by him. Sulu had just sat ramrod straight and still for a moment then slowly stood, turned and looked at him, "I have another place to be. It is your bridge, Sir. I will miss what it was." before leaving. Scotty had just shaken his head, "Me bairns need me more than you, Sir." and then McCoy just looked at him before walking over to him, placing a hand on his shoulder, giving it a little squeeze, "I think I feel sorrier for you than I do for Spock. He can go to Vulcan and have all that emotional stuff, all his memories of you and that wonderful thing you two had, removed but you have to live with what you just said and did to him and yourself for the rest of your life."
He remembered the odd feeling he had had when he had seen the look of the exchange crew. While total disbelief had been on the faces of his crew on their faces had been looks of satisfaction. Then he had not thought of it, then it had only been the reaction of his crew that bothered him. Surely his crew, his friends, had seen how justified he had been to correct Spock for such wanton insubordination. For just the briefest of moments he had felt, from the way they had looked at him, that he had done something so wrong, something totally unforgivable, but he was sure, at that moment, that he had been right to say and do what he had.
No, the unease was not due just to how the others had reacted to his outburst but to how strangely on edge he had been for so long before the outburst and how greatly ashamed he had briefly felt immediately afterwards. He paused, no, it was far more than just ashamed. He had felt almost like some impenetrable wall had sprung up between him and Spock, like there was a strange barrier between his bridge crew and himself. Aloneness. Lonliness. That had been it. He was suddenly so totally alone. More alone than he could remember ever feeling before even though there were others there looking at him. So many, perhaps too many, times in the past he had been able to go to Spock and talk. Spock was no longer there. He could not remember ever feeling so alone.
Two nights ago, in his sleep, he had heard that beloved baritone say seven words, "Jim, talking memory stones, farewell my t'hy'la.". From how soft and slow the words were said he had just thought it a dream and yet the more he thought of it the more that strange sense of unease grew.
Why would Spock mention talking memory stones? He remembered years ago being in Spock's quarters and seeing two beautiful uniquely shaped stones and Spock had said how they were talking stones. Special stones unique to Vulcan and to Vulcans as they could hold the words of the Vulcan who held them for up to one standard year. They were largely used to remember random events in even more precise detail than the normal Vulcan memory could in time of conflict or inner turmoil and could help a Vulcan be reminded of those minor things that only lightly touch the mind or just a place to store random thoughts. He had said how only the Vulcan who had been joined with the stones and those linked to the owner could access them through saying a special word.
No, as he thought about it he was certain it had been a dream as Spock's voice had been too soft and what he had said was too illogical, too disjointed, to have been real. He was also aware of being aware, since he woke after that dream, of a dull headache-like sensation, a feeling he expected would pass once this final day of his hearing was over.
Gawd. He got up and paced, trying to think logically. What if Spock were there today? What if the others were all there? He had not really been concerned about where they had gone and he realized it had been because he knew that Spock would have seen to it they went to where they could learn more. He had had no contact with them since they left the ship. That was one thing that that Vulcan was fanatical about, trying to expand the knowledge and skill base of the crew. All the time that Vulcan was watching out for the crew in so many ways, he had a basic knowledge about all of them and after his tirade at Spock there on the bridge before so many he had found out how much the crew respected that Vulcan. When what he had said and done to that Vulcan became known the whole atmosphere on the ship seemed to change. There was no longer any casually friendly greeting from the crew he passed in the halls, a quiet would settle on any recreational room he walked into, it was as though he was an outsider on his own ship.
That Vulcan. When had he started to refer to Spock as that? Thomas Ward had called Spock that. Only now did he realize that whenever Ward had said it he had always said in it a derogatory manner, he realized that Ward never actually said Spock's name, only that Vulcan.
No. No, the others might be there, might even have given favorable statements about him and their years working as his senior officers but Spock would not be there. The way he had left had been final. That tirade had destroyed whatever had been between them, what had made them such a team. He had been acutely aware of how, whenever he was around either McCoy or Scotty, they had never mentioned him. Since that tirade they had only spoken to him about matters strictly to do with his health and the ship. He had also been vaguely aware how there was also always one of the exchange crew there.
The others could be there as they were close to Command. It had been Spock's doing and he had done what was right for Sulu, Chekov, and Uhura. His last duty as First Officer of the Enterprise had been to see that for the month of the exchange they were placed where they could learn more, experience more, so that when they returned to the Enterprise they could pass on new skills and knowledge. Sulu was helping with the design and test flying of new shuttle craft, Chekov was being trained in the latest navigational systems within Starfleet, and Uhura was helping design new communications systems for both outside transmissions and within a craft.
The one thing he was sure of was that Thomas Ward would be there to vouch for his character as he had known him for so long. His old friend knew what he was like, would have heard from his own crew what he was like. Yes, he was sure that Ward would know what had gone so wrong for him. Ward had been with him through that hearings about the way he passed that no-win scenario test, had been with him when he had been given assignment to the Republic while Ward had to wait another two years for an assignment. They had long joked about one day being captains of starships and they had become that although while he got the Enterprise Ward had to wait again and then got one due to be decommissioned within three years of him being captain. While they did not hear from one another all that often Kirk smiled as he knew they heard about one another through the different updates from Command.
When he looked at the clock beside the bunk he realized he had time to once more hear the recording of the order he had given to fire on the freighter. Maybe if he could still his mind and listen he would hear something he had not heard before. Perhaps all the turmoil of his thoughts was blocking him from hearing what was there. There was no mistaking it was him. He had identified himself and stated he would fire on them. What he did not understand was why he had fired on them when they heard back from the ship confirming it was a Federation freighter taking biodegradable substances to one of the agricultural outposts to be used as fertilizer. What he did not understand was why he had not heard any of the crew telling him not to fire.
A/N Thanks for reading. Very wet and cold day - the rain gods clearly know when I am out walking the dog and am a good half hour jog from home as they delight in turning the cold tap on full. . . . . Take care and have fun.