The Legend of Sir Weller's Tumorous Tatas
Summary: Yuuri enters Shin Makoku to find that Conrad has breast cancer! Oh no! Can Yuuri and his friends find a cure for Conrad? Will they learn an important lesson along the way? Can Conrad's boobs be saved? Written for Breast Cancer Awareness Month.
Warnings: General type of violence seen in the show, talk of breast cancer/medical jargon.
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters of Kyou Kara Maou.
Author's Note: October is the international Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Did you know that breast cancer is the second most deadly cancer among women in the United States? Hah! You sure do now! I decided to write this humorous fic in honor of the brave women in my family and my friends' families who have gone through this and beaten it with laughter. I am very proud of them and their strength. This fic does not make fun of people with cancer, but simply reflects some of the humor we have used to help us get through it. Be like Conrad. Kick cancer in the BALLS. I'd like to thank cancer dot org and other informational websites for supplying much of the information found in this fic concerning breast cancer. This fic consists of four chapters, each of which will be posted once a week this month. It also parodies several other tropes I tend to see in the KKM fandom. I do not own these characters.
Chapter 1: Conrad's Boobs
Yuuri woke up. It was another normal, average day, but he was dreading going to school. In fact, he was dreading going out the door. It seemed that recently more and more long-lost friends from his childhood were inexplicably showing up in his class, or at his door, and barely-known family members that he was apparently best friends with at the age of three were calling his number. Everyone suddenly wanted to be friends with him, to know his inner dealings. Yuuri was sick of it!
He got ready for school as he always did, ignoring his mom going on about his long-lost American cousin Jennitrix Pleasemebyfriend or whatever, and headed to the door. Standing outside was Murata!
"Shibuya," he said, "I think this is a good time to head back to the other world."
"Why?" said Yuuri. "We aren't supposed to go back until tomorrow."
Murata flashed a nervous smile and stepped aside to reveal a teenage girl. She had long, raven hair hanging down to her feet, and green eyes that sparkled like green baby poop.
"Hello, Maou-heika," she said.
"What are you talking about? How do you know who I am?"
"I know everything about you! I am here to go to Shin Makoku with you and seduce you and all your friends! My name is Krystalynne Tsumikoshi-sama."
Yuuri winced, then pulled Murata inside the house.
"Do I have to?" he asked.
"Shibuya, this is like my one chance to get laid!" said Murata.
Yuuri thought hard about it for a minute. But since the thought of Murata being the one getting hard didn't get him hard, he decided against letting Miss What's-her-face come to Shin Makoku.
"Let's go, Murata, just you and me," he said, pulling on his friend's shirt and running towards the bathroom.
"Wait!" shrieked Krystalynne-sama, "I'm coming too!"
Screaming, Yuuri and Murata ran as fast as they could towards the bathroom. They entered it and slammed the door, locking it. Turning around, Yuuri went to jump into the tub… but it was empty!
"Why don't we just keep this thing full all the time!" asked Yuuri in a panic. Krystalynne-sama started banging at the door, screaming in her perfect melodic voice.
"Mosquitoes, Shibuya. Bathtubs are breeding grounds for them. You don't want to catch malaria, do you?" Yuuri started filling up the tub, looking frantically behind him as the crazed teenage girl began to break to down the door.
"It is my destiny to come with you! I WANT GWENDAL TO FALL IN LOVE WITH MEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" she shrieked.
"That's enough, that's enough!" cried Murata, and they both launched themselves into the tub, just as the door finally collapsed and Krystallynne-sama burst through.
"Oh no you don't!" she shrieked, grabbing Yuuri's heel.
"Noooooooo!" he cried as he fell down the drain to his magical world.
All three of them sat up in the fountain of Shinou's Temple.
"Whee, I made it!" said Krystalynne-sama. "Now I can work my magic!"
"Yuuri!" cried Wolfram, running up to the fountain. "Who is this trollop?" Yuuri got an idea.
"WOLFRAM!" he yelled, swimming desperately for the edge of the fountain, "She won't stop hitting on me! She wants to replace you as my fiancé! Protect me!"
Wolfram's eye twitched. Then he launched himself into the fountain, beating Krystalynne-sama with the butt of his sword. Yuuri, Murata, and Gunter stood outside of the fountain and laughed.
"Violence instigated by His Majesty is beautiful violence!" professed Gunter. Yuuri looked around.
"Hey, where is Conrad?" asked Yuuri, noticing his friend's absence. Wolfram stopped beating on Krystalynne-sama and blushed.
"Gisela is giving him a breast exam," he said.
"Oh, well- WHAT?"
"Yes," said Conrad dramatically, "It is my boobs. They are cancerous." Krystalynne-sama had been thrown in jail, and they were standing in Conrad's room around his bed.
"How can you tell?" asked Yuuri incredulously.
"I used magical mammography," said Gisela.
"You took a mammogram?"
"Yes, using majyutsu. It was invented by the demons, you know. The humans have their own version, called hoummography."
Yuuri facepalmed.
"So, how did you even find out you had breast cancer anyway?"
"Josak discovered it," said Conrad matter-of-factly.
"Oh, that's- wait, what? How did Josak find your breast cancer?" There was a pause.
"He snuck up on it, of course," said Conrad. Josak gave a wide grin.
"But Conrad doesn't even have boobs. How can he get cancer?"
"Everyone has boobs," said Gisela. "Why don't you tell us what you have learned about breast cancer so far?" she asked, turning to Conrad.
Conrad held up a clenched fist dramatically as he explained his dire situation.
"Symptoms of breast cancer include swelling of the breast, dimpled or puckered skin, inverted nipples, and discharge from the nipples. The most common sign of breast cancer, however, is a cancerous tumor, which can often be discovered through regular breast exams. Infiltrating ductal carcinoma is the most common form of breast cancer in both women and men. Cancerous cells lining the ducts of the breast multiply and spread to other parts of the breast. Everyone can take steps to prevent the spread of breast cancer. Women over the age of twenty can give themselves a breast exam monthly. Women over the age of forty should obtain yearly mammograms to discover this condition early so that it may be treated."
"Some men and women are genetically predisposed to get breast cancer. The size of the breasts increases the risk of having the disease as well," added Gisela.
"I am so sorry," said Lady Cheri, "I am afraid my massive boobs have genetically imposed this on you."
Conrad dramatically unclenched his fist. His dramatic speech was over. Everyone stared in awe at the dramatic aura which surrounded them.
"Bummer about your boobs, Conrad," said Yuuri. "Isn't there something we can do to cure you?"
"Never fear, Your Majesty," said a voice from the doorway. Everyone turned around.
"Cancer is nothing when it has Anissina the Poison Lady as its enemy!"
They were doomed.