Santana wants to come out. She does. Honestly. She's lay awake like this for countless nights now replaying the scene over and over in her head; the moment she says those words in front of everyone. "I'm a lesbian." She imagines their reactions. She imagines Kurt jumping for joy and wrapping her in a tight hug. She imagines Puck staring at her, and she knows he's having fantasies about some girl on girl and contemplating whether he would be overstepping the mark if he asked her for a threesome. She imagines Rachel saying something about how she's proud and how she already knew and how she's happy for her but obviously in a lot more words. She imagines how Artie will look from her to Brittany and then back to her again and everything will make sense to him. She imagines how Quinn will look completely shocked - not because Santana's a lesbian - but because she won't believe that Santana has actually built up the courage to tell them, finally breaking down her walls and letting them in. She imagines looking at Brittany and seeing everything she's ever wanted in those eyes. She imagines the love and acceptance and the hope that Brittany gives her.
Then, it all disappears.
She's imagining walking down the halls with people staring and whispering and pointing. She's imagining all the things that happened to Kurt. She's imagining Karofsky pushing her against the lockers and calling her a dyke, because without her as his beard he's going to revert to the closeted bully. She's imagining the first time she comes home from school covered in a slushie and has to explain to her parents. She's imagining the first time she comes home from school with a black eye or worse, and she can't lie anymore. She's imagining the disappointment in her mother's eyes and the silence from her father that speaks louder than words ever could.
And she cries.
She cries because she hates lying. She cries because she hates who she is. She cries because doesn't want to be ashamed of it, but she is. She cries because she knows she's weak. She cries because she just wants to make Brittany happy. She cries because she keeps letting Brittany down. But most of all, she cries because she knows this is how it's always going to be.
Kurt comes into Glee club a few days later covered from head to toe in slushie. Santana flinches. She knows why.
"I'm sick of this!" Kurt says, furious. "I don't know why it's always me that's being targeted. We all know I'm not the only one who's gay at this school!"
Santana flinches again, but for a completely different reason. Kurt knows. No, he can't know. But then who else is he talking about? She couldn't think of anyone. It had to be her. She stares at him with fear written all over her face. Rachel and Quinn are both looking at her knowingly. Shit, they know. She moves awkwardly in her seat. She swears there's been silence for an eternity. It's really only been about 5 seconds.
"I know, right? I am and they don't pick on me."
Santana had to take a moment to make sure she understood what had just happened. She stared at Brittany. She was sure that it was her who had said those words. Brittany had just come out to the whole Glee club. She hadn't even officially told Santana yet – even though they both knew what they were – and yet she'd just come out to everyone without fear. Santana knew that deep down she'd done it to take the eyes off her. She was thankful beyond words. Santana thought that in this moment she loved Brittany more than she had ever loved her in her life.
And then the reactions started. Santana just sat and watched. Kurt pulled Brittany into a hug. Rachel started talking in paragraphs. Puck was smiling at her. Artie looked confused at first, but soon the penny dropped. Quinn's mouth was open in shock. Santana's heart sunk. She still hadn't moved, even though she knew she should be up there supporting her best friend through this. Tears were forming in her eyes now as she watched everything she'd imagined play out in front of her eyes. The love, the support, the acceptance. In that moment she was filled with regret. She felt ashamed, not because she knew she was gay, but because she didn't trust these people enough when all they had ever done was support her. She wished she'd just told them who she was earlier. She could see how easy this all could be. And yet she was still held back by the fear. She wasn't like Brittany. She didn't have that carefree attitude. She knew Britt would walk out of here with her head held high not caring about what people would say. Santana wasn't that strong.
Brittany had noticed that Santana hadn't moved, and she knew why. Glee finished an hour later and Santana was still beating herself up. Brittany held out her pinkie for Santana and they walked out of the choir room together.
"See how easy it was San?" Brittany said when they were away from everyone else. "No-one cares. They just want us to be happy." Santana sighed.
"I can't Britt. I just... I can't." Santana caught Brittany's eyes and saw that look again. The look of disappointment. The look of concern. Of love. It broke her heart in a thousand different ways. Santana wanted to scream. She just wanted to scream, and cry, and destroy everything around her. She was looking at the only thing in the world that made her happy, the only thing in the world that she's ever wanted or needed, and the only thing holding her back from getting everything was herself.
Brittany hadn't pushed any further. She knew Santana was scared and she knew that pushing was only going to make it worse. So they didn't bring it up again. Santana continued playing straight.
Then came Leah.
Brittany had met her when she'd started with the local dance group. She'd told Santana about her on the very first day. Instantly, Santana didn't like her.
Brittany introduced them a few weeks later at a show. Despite her initial dislike of the girl, Santana had to admit that Leah was pretty. She was shorter than Brittany, coming up to just above her shoulder. She had short brown hair, and she dressed as if she'd been taken right off the set of Step Up – combats, vest top, sweat bands. Santana could see how toned she was through her clothes; she had the same figure as Brittany and that made Santana slightly uncomfortable. Nothing made her more uncomfortable though than the way they acted with each other. Brittany and Leah were touchy feely friends. A hug here, a playful dig in the arm there. They couldn't stop touching each other. Santana felt sick.
It was 2 weeks later when Brittany told Santana what was really going on. "Leah asked me out on a date. She's taking me out this weekend," she'd said one day when they were hanging out after Glee. Santana's stomach twisted and she honestly thought she was going to throw up.
"She's gay?" was all Santana managed to say. She knew they were close, but she never thought of the possibility that they could be that close. It broke her heart, but she'd never admit it.
"Yeah, didn't you know? I really like her San, she's so nice. Her lips are really soft," Brittany replied.
"You kissed her?" Santana was still reeling from finding out that Leah was gay. She couldn't even begin to comprehend that they'd kissed. This was all too much. She was really struggling to not throw up now.
"Yeah, a few times. I really like her," Brittany repeated. Santana took a breath and reorganised her thoughts. She knew what Brittany wanted here. She wanted support. Santana needed to just be her best friend right now, and not her best friend who was head over heels in love with her. She put herself in Brittany's shoes for a moment and realised how big this was. Brittany was possibly going to have a girlfriend. Things were going to change.
"Well, she obviously likes you too Britt or she wouldn't have asked you out," Santana said. "So, where's she taking you?"
Brittany had continued on to explain how Leah wanted to take her out for dinner – not at Breadstix though because it was 'too cheap', Santana hated her a bit more – and then out to a movie. The way Brittany was talking was like a child on Christmas, she was over the top excited. Santana smiled. Even though this was hard, she loved seeing Brittany happy. She just regretted that it couldn't be her that gave her that happiness.
Leah and Brittany became the perfect couple. No-one even questioned that they were two girls. No-one looked at them differently from any other couple, because they were so happy with each other. Leah had come along to dance at a few performances with the Glee club, and everyone loved her. Even Santana came round to her.
Santana had taken a back seat. She was still close with Brittany. They still spent the weekend together from time to time, they still had DVD nights, they still laughed together. But Santana knew that she needed to take a step down from her closeness with Brittany. She'd put herself in Leah's shoes – she already knew what it was like anyway. She knew what it was like to hold Brittany's hand, she knew what it was like to kiss her, she knew what it was like to love her. It was easy. Santana also knew what it was like to see Brittany hug someone else, to touch someone else and to love someone else. It hurt. She didn't want anyone to feel the way she did. Regardless of popular opinion, Santana had a heart. She didn't want Leah to get jealous of her friendship with Britt, and she didn't want to become an issue between the couple because, at the end of the day, Brittany was happy. That was all that mattered.
Regret soon became Santana's best friend. She looked at the smile on Brittany's face when she kissed Leah regardless of their surroundings. She looked at the way they held hands without a care in the world. She looked at how, when they made eye contact, no-one else in the world mattered to either of them. She thought about how she could have had all of those things if she'd just been stronger. In reality, she'd had Brittany. But she'd only had her in private. Never in public. She wanted to have her in public. She wanted to be able to walk around the mall with her hand in Brittany's. She wanted to be able to take her out for a meal and kiss her lightly on the lips before they sat down at their table. She wanted to be able to hug Brittany and love Brittany and show Brittany that there was no-one in the world that made her feel the way she does. At one time it had been a possibility. If Santana could have found the strength to overcome her fears, it could have been a reality. But she chose fear over love and the possibility quickly changed to something Santana could only dream about. She never forgave herself.
Something changed in Santana. She'd kept playing straight. She'd kept hooking up with boys. They didn't make her feel anything. It was boring and dull and she hated it but she needed to feel wanted, so she kept doing it. When she looked at Brittany though and seen how happy she was, she decided that maybe she didn't want to hide any more. Santana stopped sleeping with boys. She didn't hook up with anyone anymore. She felt lonely and disconnected, but she also felt better for being honest with herself for once. She accepted it. She accepted that she was a lesbian and she became comfortable with it. She allowed herself to check out girls at school, she allowed herself to be attracted to women in movies, she didn't hide from it. Brittany noticed the change.
They were watching a movie in Britt's room – Brittany was commenting on how hot the female lead was - the first time Santana admitted it out loud.
"Britt, you know I'm gay too, don't you?" Santana said quietly.
"Well duh. You wouldn't have kissed me otherwise," Britt replied with a slight laugh.
"I'm gay," Santana said again, more firmly this time. "That's the first time I've said that out loud, you know. I'm actually gay." Santana laughed at herself. She never thought it would be this easy to say out loud and she wondered why it had taken her so long to take these baby steps.
"Well, at least you know now and you can stop pretending," Brittany said. She was smiling at Santana. Santana felt her heart skip a beat, and she had to remind herself that this wasn't her dream scenario where she told Brittany she was gay and then leant in and kissed her. This was real life, where Santana had finally stopped fighting against herself and was able to finally say it out loud. This was real life, where Brittany was still in love with Leah.
Santana was still lying awake thinking, but it was different now. She imagined how she was going to go into Glee club tomorrow and say those words. She imagined how she was going to say them proudly. She imagined how, if Karofsky dared to say a word, she'd just let him know that at least she was happy, because she knew for sure he wasn't. She imagined how she could go out for the night with Britt and Leah and they'd help her hook up with a girl. She imagined how her parents would be disappointed and shocked at first, but when she brings home her first girlfriend and her parents see that she's happy, they'll understand. She imagines the pride on Brittany's face when she sees Santana finally walk hand in hand with the girl she loves. She imagines everything and she really does wonder why it took her so long to get here. She doesn't mind though, not really, because she's happy. She's happy and Brittany's happy, and sure it's not in the way they thought it would be, but at least both their stories have a happy ending. And that's enough for Santana.