Credits/Disclaimers: Title inspired by tumblr user: Anorable. Written for LeviHanWeek, theme: Forever.
Only the idea is mine, everything else belongs to their respective creators. Accompanying image from Google.
Material memories hurt the most due to their stinging reality. They are a concrete stab in the gut as they happen and then with age, as all innocence is lost, the scars enunciate and the memories vivify. A wound is a wound, it will always remain. Intensifying the scar that is not a laurel, but the summoning to ghosts of a life past.
And somewhere in the the depths of every heart, these memories hold the big, golden but rusty key to the withdrawal from the world. A weapon that is pressed close to the throbbing pulse at our neck. Capable of ending everything. Unlike a lover's lips, it's not kind, but its sensuality is such, that the potential to tear through is far stronger. It's a lingering touch at life's most vital point. It's like the caress of a sharpened knife on the collar. It's like a silk noose around the neck. It's like moonlight at the throat.
Hanji's idea of enjoyment was far from traditional. Actually, it was so non-traditional that it was downright frightening. Capturing titans, spending day after day, night after night talking to unresponsive subjects and analysing the shift of an eyeball terrified most members of the Recon Corps, but Squad Leader Hanji Zoë not only found it interesting but also fascinating. Her immediate subordinates were forever watching her step and misstep around the titans and regularly suffering and yet none of them would leave her squad. She was too valuable of a scientist and too valuable of a person to not attract affection.
So when the elite leader of the Recon Corps, Hanji Zoë drew her last breathe, the ripple effect of her stunning absence shook many. And the one affected most brutally was none other than the allegedly ice-cold, special ops squad leader, Levi. Her young recruits had cried and the older ones had held strong. But Levi had watched her die in his arms, held her until a pyre had been built, settled her on top of her last resting place and then watched her burn away into the faded evening sky.
Her memories were omnipresent – feather light and yet capable of slicing the life out of him. Levi did not know if he would setup resistance if those threads of moonlight ever came at his throat. His story was one rumoured behind slanted palms at each others' ears in the Corps. A terrible childhood, raised by a hitman, youth spent in the Underground and then handpicked by Erwin. That is where he had believed his good luck had stepped in. The Recon Corps had alleviated the stagnant and relatively safe Capitol life and in its place the perilous life of military had slid in – which had made his heart soar. He would never give up that freedom.
His seemingly singularly free heart did not have long to rejoice for a certain brunette with a penchant for strange experiments soon decided to steal it. He had tried to resist. But disobeying was Hanji's second nature. He never stood a chance. And once he had accepted this he had quite enjoyed being thrilled by just her presence. While he was rigid and unmoved most of the day, in Hanji's arms he had loved fervently and devoted himself so completely that the imminence of their career choice had been a mild threat at the back of his mind. They would survive, like always and she would come bounding up to him with exhilaration of new theories.
The last mission had been smooth. Erwin's scheming could only be described as a cult now and goodness save that Arlert kid that he was training to take up the reins of the job one day. Every step he had planned for had been their saving grace and for the first time the Corps had returned with the largest majority of their uniforms still breathing. There had been casualties, of course. And bubbly, full of life, titan-crazed Hanji had been one of them. She had been unconscious throughout the trip back inside the Walls and woken up for a full hour in which she had cracked jokes and laughed, threatened Moblit, attempted to yell at Erwin and "adviced" the newest members of the group to dye Levi's cravat grey. Grey suited nothing, she said. All the while, Levi had held her in his arms and stared at her. After much chattering, he had bent down to kiss her forehead and she had turned away with a "Not yet" - it had taken all of his strength to not cry. That was when everyone had left them alone for a while.
He had hated that conversation.
It had been almost a week at this point and Squad Levi was feeling the unintentional emergence of their Corporal's repressed emotions. Every training session was tougher than the last, there were added exercises to their routine and once in a while the Corporal would mildly punish anyone who committed the minor crimes of not cleaning on time or wasting food. Eren had endeavoured to talk to him. He had, very bravely, gone up to him, stared for the longest time and the moment Levi's head had snapped up to meet Eren's fearful, vivid green eyes, he had mumbled a full apology and fled. Erwin had said nothing either.
Love was taking its toll.
Levi had never slept soundly but Hanji apparently, took any semblance of resting along with her departure. How was it possible that a woman who could not sit still for a full minute could make him so restless?
"You look, as you have accused often of Erwin, "constipated"", she candidly stated and hoarsely chuckled once the room had cleared out.
He had said nothing and kept cradling her and looking at her like a lost puppy. That was pathetic. He knew was going to lose himself and being pathetic was only steps away from that.
"Well, since you won't talk, I will. No..no. Don't shush me – you need to hear this. And I need to say this." Hanji finally let a tear slide down. "I have nothing to hide anymore so I may cry a little, OK? I love you. Always have. Always will. And as cliché as that sounds, I really don't know what other phrase could hope to relate what I feel about you. Everyday people die and as you know, being in this line of profession, life is not something we have. With you, I have felt invincible and immortal. Levi, just promise me that you will keep me in your heart for just a little while longer. I think…I think I would like to be remembered for a little more…" as her voice died down, Levi bent forward and this time successfully kissed her full on the mouth.
"Don't be stupid, Shitty Glasses. What makes you think you and I are separate? What makes you think that I can live on without you? Why —", Hanji interrupted here with an attempted laugh.
"Your romanticism is negating your entire existence Levi." And she laughed some more.
"I love you." He said with more emotion than he thought he was capable of. And her reply nearly broke him.
"Thank you."
He was restless beneath all that. Hanji had been so much of the life in him. Had she never known the depth of his emotions? Is that why she had requested for him to remember her?
Four months later, Levi's moods had improved slightly. There were things that needed to be done and he was a key part of the Corps, humanity could to afford to have him slack off. In this time, Levi had recalled, repeated, dreamt and lived his last conversation with Hanji. She had been uncertain, died in incertitude of his loyalty. And he had been nothing but repentent. His biggest regret in life. And he was burning. He was burning in the distant understanding of the past. It was like moonlight – faraway and gently sneaking in. But he was burning in that light.
It took old age to fell Humanity's Strongest soldier. Levi died young enough but how many intense soldiers are expected to outlive sixty, anyway? His last moments, surprisingly, were with Eren and Mikasa. He had nothing to say but a lot to be happy about. He died in peace in the dark hours of the night on a full moon whose beams glided in over his face as he closed his eyes. Moonlight at his throat, huh?
After all, forever was just starting and he had a date with a certain brunette who had a penchant for wearing shitty glasses and an eternity to remind her of his love for her and their inevitably joined lives. He would not forgive her for making stupid requests and making him wait so long to atone for it. He would not forgive her leaving him so early on and he would definitely not forgive her for stealing his heart at the beginning of it all. Seeing her again and walking beside her for the rest of eternity sounded like a good punishment.