Disclaimer: I don't own Once Upon a Time
Spoilers: None I don't think.
Author's Note: Feedback is much appreciated. I'm on a Regina focused kick right now.
The victims in her dreams never screamed. They never looked away and never cowered. They stood their ground as if daring her to repeat her atrocities again and again until her dreams turned into nightmares. Even when she tried to stop and grant mercy, they grabbed her arm in a vice grip and forced her to continue.
Again and again. One death. Two. Three. Ten. It went on and on, and she was never given the freedom to wake up screaming. She slept for as long as her body needed to rest because her body refused to bow down to its subconscious. It left her stuck in the middle trying to find ways to ignore the nightmares and belay her sleep.
It was slowly driving her to insanity because it ripped away her illusions of self control. Her mind and body were at war and there was no way for her to stand up and declare a winner. Instead, she cowered in the corners of her waking moments trying to focus on physical battles.
Her enemies were made the targets of her terror even if her discord was long since removed. She needed the war because it kept her focused. She was born from under battle scars. Bloody hands and torn flesh had given her her first strangled breath of independence. And since war was her comfort zone, she could not surrender since surrendering meant being torn apart at the seams.
"I just don't get it, Regina. You'll save their lives but it's impossible for you to have a civil conversation with them?"
It's an argument that had begun and ended the same many times over. It was a merry go round of deferment since she could not confess her inability to stop her dreams. She couldn't admit to needing an enemy and that it was just easier to hang onto old grievances instead of creating new ones.
"What is there to understand?" She turned away from the conversation since one day her voice would betray her just like her dreams and body had already. One day, she would look at Emma Swan and confess.
"At some point, bygones will have to be bygones," Exasperation infused the words. Emma was tired of arguing with Regina's back. It had taken her twenty minutes of inane conversation before she had bothered to bring up the one topic she had wanted to address.
"Why?" Regina wondered.
The question gave Emma pause. She could not readily come up with a suitable response. A chance at peace alone wasn't enough of a defense, not when life carried on without it. "We have to work together."
"And we have done that," Regina carefully enunciated each word so as not to expose the lies hidden underneath.
There was no 'working together'. They worked separately but in tandem. It was by luck alone that they so often happened to be moving towards the same goal. If at any point their goals diverged, Regina couldn't promise that she would show up with the intent to perform outstanding heroics. Clawing her way towards redemption didn't make her a hero.
"Yeah well it doesn't feel like it." Tired of being shut out, Emma advanced on Regina. She was brave enough to force eye contact but refrained from physical touch.
Regina took a step forward. She knew that pushing back, at least on this, was the only way to get Emma to retreat. Their savior, in all of her bravery, was still reluctant to step on the edges of an ancient battleground. "I am here, Emma. I don't cover my ears and close my eyes when they appear. What more could you want from me?"
"You insult them," Emma spit back. "You're...mean."
Regina raised her brow and a smirk developed over the pinch of pain in her chest that rose at the accusation. "Oh? Do you think I hurt their feelings?"
Immediately, Emma retreated. She hadn't thought out her argument and relied too much on emotion instead of reason. "Whatever, Regina. Just stay away from them, then."
Victory wasn't really quite as satisfying as it had once been. Beating down Emma's good intentions wasn't making Regina any more able to stand without breaking. She had no desire to kick away Emma's hidden desire to please, but her arsenal was empty otherwise. She couldn't hold onto her offense with kisses and hugs.
Emma turned to leave the conversation wishing to remain undetected through the thorn filled jungle of Regina's emotions for the rest of the night. She could go back to her corner of Storybrook at least having tried to make things better.
"Wait," Regina murmured.
Emma didn't turn back around, but she did stop.
"Why does it matter to you?" Regina asked. "Why continue this foolish endeavor of peace?"
Emma's breath hitched. It wasn't often Regina bothered to ask frank questions that weren't layered in deceit or insult. "Because I don't hate you," she whispered.
The confession required translation like most of their conversations required. Too much between them was covered in the dust of the past that it was hard for them to exist outside of it. Perhaps, it would have been easier for them to just take their corners and throw out verbal punches that would have left them both exposed but on the mend. Unfortunately, neither of them was afforded such luxuries. Half confessions took the place of progress.
"I am not above granting favors," Regina acquiesced, though she knew such a small compromise could very well tear her apart.
"I'll let Mary Margaret and David know not to push it." Emma still didn't turn as she spoke. She didn't want Regina to see her relief since she wasn't convinced the stubborn woman wouldn't take away her concession just because she could.
"See that you do," Regina imperiously replied since she truly had nothing else she could say.
Emma nodded once before she stepped away from their circle of half truths. "Don't stay out here too long. It's getting cold," she said before she went back to her car. As she opened the driver's side door, she braved one last look at the woman whose stare tore through her. She offered a semi-wave before she got into her car and drove away.
Regina watched Emma's car turn the corner before she shifted her eyes away. She looked down at her clasped hand. She could feel her nails biting into her skin. She slowly unfurled her fingers and looked at her wounded palm.
She had chosen to self-inflict her pain rather than offer it to Emma. She wanted to hide it away and make it a ghost that only appeared for her alone.
Because Emma continued to try.
Because Emma didn't hate her.
Because her mind and body were at war and she would add no more silent screams to her nightmares.