aghh I can't believe I wrote this DX

dedicated to babe

love you babe

warning this has some crack factors

Hanji clapped her hands together, speaking in a mysterious tone. "So I bet you're wondering why I gathered you all here today..."

The new recruits looked up from their breakfasts, most of them still looking dead from lack of sleep. Connie was the one to speak for all them. "What the hell do you mean? You just barged in here while we were eating and started blabbing."

"He has a point, Squad Leader."

"Silence, Moblit! I have this under control!" Hanji held up her hands and waited until all eyes were on her. She grinned mischievously and leaned against the long table. "So... what are all of your opinions on Levi?"

There was silence, before it was Bertholdt (surprisingly) who asked slowly, "What do you mean?"

"I mean," Hanji stressed, "to be brutally honest. Love him? Hate him?"

"Are you nuts?!" Ymir spat. "He'd have our fucking heads if he overheard!"

"He won't!" Hanji assured the group, waving her hand dismissively. "I drugged the shit out of him last night. He's still out."

"Still?" several teens asked, bewildered. Levi was the first one to get up in the mornings, every morning. Hanji nodded enthusiastically.

"Yup! He's out like a light! And he'll be soooo tired all day!" Hanji looked very pleased with herself, and Moblit very nervous. "So fire away! What are your opinions? Come on, don't be shy!"

Mikasa was the first to speak. "He's a slave driver."

That fired up conversation. "He's not that bad!" Eren insisted, turning on his sister. "You just refuse to see his nice side! He can be pretty cool!"

"He can be caring," Krista offered hesitantly. "He lets us out early after a lot of hard work. Not like Hanji, no offense intended, who works us to the bone."

"No offense taken," Hanji said brightly as Jean spoke up.

"He lessened my workload when I was injured from training... and he always allows sick leave. He won't let you work if you're sick."

"He let me borrow a ton of books to read!" Armin piped up excitedly. "Old fairy tales, the Survey Corps' expedition notes, a woman's diary on her experience with titans all alone - that one was really, really cool!"

There was quiet until Sasha said in an indifferent tone, "He's kinda hot."

Spoons were dropped and drinks spat out. Hanji giggled gleefully. "He is, isn't he? Very handsome, and he's got the air about him of strong and silent. Did you know, he's actually had a really, really tough -"

"Squad leader!" Moblit hissed urgently.

"Right, right. Not my place to tell, I know." Hanji pouted slightly, but quickly brightened. "Sooo? Who else thinks your captain is pretty damn good-looking? Don't be shy!" Albeit hesitantly, most of them did. A lot of them hastily tried to cover for themselves. "I know, I know, strictly appearance admiration only. Just admitting that he looks damn fine, whatever. Wellllll... I have a proposal for you all." She rubbed her hands together gleefully.

"Well?" Reiner spoke up irritably, still groggy from sleep.

"The first person to get Levi to willingly kiss them or, alternately, tell them about his past, gets two weeks of leave." Hanji grinned darkly.

There was silence as the cadets processed it. It was a scary thought, attempting to court the scary corporal, but the gain was immense. What most cadets wouldn't give for just a day of leave!

"What are the terms?" Ymir asked icily.

"I'm so glad you asked!" Hanji squealed brightly. "Levi does not have to like you for any reason, he simply has to be the one to initiate a kiss between you and be perfectly willing, or with the same conditions and telling you about his past. He cannot be threatened or bribed. Also, you have the span of three days to complete this task or no one gets it."

There was a thick silence. Finally, bracing himself, Reiner ground out, "I'm getting that leave."

"No you won't, I will!" Connie shouted, standing and smacking his hand against the table.

"Damn it... I'm going for it!" Jean announced.

"Nice to know, queers," Ymir drawled, and the boys blushed after realizing what they'd been admitting to trying to achieve to get the reward. "I suppose it would be nice, hm, Krista?"

"Two weeks, huh..." The small blonde sighed dreamily. "The question is, which is a better chance? Kissing, I think, might be easier, but at the same time, I've noticed he has a lack of interest in romance... and his past... well, that's really closely guarded. This is impossible..." Suddenly she looked crestfallen.

"It isn't," Hanji insisted lightly, smirking. "It's far from impossible, kiddos. I look forward to seeing your attempts!" She turned and left the mess hall, Moblit on her heels. The recruits sat in silence, contemplating her words.

"So, who all is in the running?" Armin asked, eyes alight with curiosity when Mikasa joined him and Eren back in the boys' bunkhouse.

"Sasha is out, and Ymir and Krista are likely to drop all competition since they can't both get it," Mikasa responded. "Same with Reiner and Bertholdt."

"Sasha's out? Really?"

"She says it's not worth it."

"So that leaves Jean, Connie, and us if we want it," Eren said from the top bunk, hanging over the edge to look at his two friends. "I gotta say... two weeks seems really tempting..."

"What method will you try?" Armin asked curiously.

"Kissing, of course! I don't wanna get my head chopped off for trying to ask about his past! That's just something you don't get into, I learned from being in his squad for less than a week."

"Absolutely not," Mikasa said sharply. "You are not to get intimate with that shorty, clear?"

Eren glared at her, sticking his tongue out childishly. "You can't control me! Besides, it's just a kiss."

"Then I'll be in the running, too," Mikasa stated calmly. "If only to prevent him from kissing you."

"I kind of want the vacation," Armin admitted sheepishly before Eren could respond. "I think I might take a stab at his past. It would be interesting to learn, you know? What made him like he is today?"

"He's a soldier," Eren shrugged it off. "Soldiers are straight-laced and tough."

"And abusive?" Mikasa shot back. "Besides, he's the only cold-hearted bastard here. Even Commander Erwin is nicer than him."

"Mikasa, come on!"

"Mikasa... I have to agree with Eren. You're blinded by hatred." Armin raised an eyebrow. "And you know it."

"Whatever," Mikasa replied coldly. "I don't care. He doesn't deserve a kiss from Eren."

"It's supposed to be the other way around, Mikasa."

"It doesn't matter!"

As they bickered, Jean and Connie were outside the door, cursing inwardly. They knew they stood little chance against the Shinganshina Trio.

Levi gripped his hair in frustration. What the fucking hell was Erwin thinking, signing off on this and expecting him to do the same? Shouldn't they be rejecting MP "help"? He knew Erwin was aware they were just trying to flood the place and put them under surveillance! What was wrong with him?! Levi was not in the mood for this shit. He had a splitting headache from whatever Hanji gave him and he was behind on loads of paperwork. Needless to say, it was infuriating.

"Sir?" There was a small knock on the door. "Cadet Eren Jaeger here. Permission to enter?"

"Permission granted," Levi sighed, not looking up. The door opened and closed quietly and light footsteps approached his desk. He waited for the telltale noise of a fist hitting a chest in salute, but there wasn't one. Levi looked up to tell Eren off, but stopped short to see the boy was carrying a tray.

"I would salute... but I don't think you want tea in the carpet."

"Thank you, Jaeger," Levi accepted the tea, brows creased slightly in confusion. "Might I ask why the sudden generosity..?"

Eren held the empty tray against his chest, suddenly a little pink. "I... Hanji said you weren't having a very good day, and I figured you might want some tea..."

"Hmm." Levi knew he wasn't telling the whole truth, but let it slide. "Thank you anyways."

"Umm..." Eren lingered, glancing at the paperwork. "What are you working on, if you don't mind me asking?"

"MP bullshit," Levi responded dryly, sipping the tea and marvelling at how well the young cadet made it. Almost as good as Petra's. "And Erwin fucking agreed to it. They need both of our consents... but really, what's gotten into that old bastard?"

Eren shrugged. Thinking logically wasn't his forte. "I'm sure Commander Erwin has his reasons. Maybe he doesn't expect you to sign it?"

Levi stared at him, then at the paper. Of course. It all clicked into place. Erwin was the little goody-two-shoes, the obedient dog, and Levi the criminal. Erwin would sign off to nearly anything, even if he didn't like it, so long as he knew Levi would disagree. Why hadn't he thought about that? "Of fucking course," he murmured, writing 'go fuck yourselves' on the line where his signature should be. "I must still be out of it... thank you for the tea, Jaeger. You're dismissed."

Eren paused, as though he was going to say something else, but instead nodded, saluted, and left. Levi watched the door close behind him, eyes narrowing. What was that all about? Surely someone like Eren hadn't come and served his tea just on a whim to be thoughtful or nice. There was a reason behind it, and the short corporal was determined to find out.

About an hour later he was restless. He'd been sitting in his office all day and had long since finished the tea. He was debating whether or not to leave the safety of his office and brave the castle full of idiots but his concentration was waning terribly and he knew he wasn't getting any work done. Sighing quietly, he stood and stretched, glancing once more out the window before he left-

Wait a second.

What the fuck was Springer doing outside his window?

Levi stalked over to the window and threw it open, shocking Connie into jumping away. The corporal panicked momentarily, not wanting to be the cause of the short kid falling to his death, but realized Connie was attached to the wall by the maneuver gear and nearly beat him over the head. Instead he closed his eyes, breathed deeply, and counted to ten, just like Petra had taught him. Opening his eyes again, he glared sharply at Connie and hissed through gritted teeth.

"What. The. Fuck. Do you think you're doing?"

Connie grinned, the terror of his superior's wrath clear in his eyes but he refused to show it. "Captain Levi! I would salute, but as you can see, I'm a little occupied." He had a bucket of soapy water and a sponge. "I decided to clean the windows from the outside! It gets dirtier than the inside, and you can't have a clear window when it's dirty on either side! I know how you get about dirt, Captain."

Levi raised an eyebrow. "I suppose that's an acceptable excuse, but have you done the chores I previously assigned you?"

"Yeah, I triple-cleaned the second story floors and did all the laundry!"

Odd for a slacker like you, Levi wanted to snidely remark, but let it slide. Connie was just trying to please. Which was weird, but whatever. He also seemed very bright for having to clean, which was even stranger. "Right... good job, I suppose. Don't fall." Sufficiently weirded out, Levi slammed the window shut and hurried out of his office.

Before he could get two steps down the hall, Jean came out of nowhere, grinning awkwardly. It was a humorous sight what with the long face, but of course it was unprofessional to laugh at a recruit, so Levi kept his ever-stoic facade. Jean coughed, looking nervous, and Levi couldn't help but compare it to a whinny. He saluted briefly before addressing Levi.

"C-Corporal Levi, sir, g-good afternoon! I-I uh - I r-replaced the bleach in t-the bathrooms and s-supply closet, I n-noticed w-we were nearly out!"

Levi narrowed his eyes slightly. The day was just getting weirder and weirder. "Okay...? Um... thank you, Kirschstein. Dismissed." He was in a hurry to get away, rushing down the stairs to the mess hall and leaving Jean kicking himself in shame.

Levi slowed to his usual brisk walk as he approached the mess hall, and was greeted at the door by Mikasa. Rather than the stiff encounter and harsh glare he expected, she greeted him with a casual, "Good afternoon, Captain Levi," and passed him with a soft smile. He stared after her, eyes wide in bewilderment. He rubbed them fiercely and pinched his arm. He wasn't dreaming. What the hell had gotten into everyone today?

He walked into the kitchen to prepare some tea and ran into Armin. The raven was ready to bolt to his office and lock himself in if the blond wanted to act weird too, but he was simply his usual blubbering and stammering mess, an embarrassed blush on his cheeks as he asked for assistance with understanding a little bit of what was in one of the books he had borrowed and for a bit of time to talk and theorize, "i-if that's all o-okay with y-you, s-sir." Glad for the bit of normalcy, Levi had Armin go find a seat and prepared his tea before joining him.

"Alright, Arlert, what didn't you understand?" Levi asked briskly, sitting down beside him with a weary sigh and sipping his tea.

"I-I-I-" Armin seemed unable to find words to start with and Levi tilted his head. This wasn't usual Armin behavior, sure the boy was a little coy but never like this.

"Fucking hell, kid, don't give yourself a panic attack. I don't bite... unless you want me to." That just made Armin more flustered and he opened and closed his mouth wordlessly. Levi laughed, something rare, and Armin looked even more shocked. The captain quickly silenced himself and shook his head. "It was a joke, brat."

"R-Right..." Armin took a deep breath, opening the book to a page that included a diagram. "So, here... it shows the inside of the handle, right? But I can't tell what is what. The labels are too close. Can you s-show me?"

Levi shrugged, taking the blade handle of the 3DMG they wore from Armin. He carefully pried it open and set it on the table. "Here's the gas mechanism, you can see the tube it connects to. The wire is actually hollow and connects to the gas. When you hold the handle, it forces the gas through and pushes it out. Then the reel, which connects to the harpoon, and it's under pressure here..." Levi pointed to each part in turn, showing what connected where and what it did. Armin nodded in understanding, scooting closer and peering closely at what was being explained.

"You sure know a lot about this. When did you learn?"

"Back when I was a thug in the underground."

Armin blinked, surprise registering on his face. Levi had so easily given up the information, when Armin was sure it was closely guarded. Even though it was common knowledge Levi came from the underground, it was something people knew very little of. "You learned before you were in the Survey Corps? How did you get the information?"

Levi's expression changed in an instant from mostly impassive to furious. He was silent for a moment, knowing Armin didn't deserve the rude responses he was thinking of giving. "It doesn't matter. The point is that I know."

Armin looked away, taking the hint. "Right... well... thanks for the help."

He hugged the book to his chest and stood, hurrying out of the room. Levi stared after him, mixed emotions sparking in his eyes, before he glanced out a window and realized how much time had passed. He cursed quietly and stood, replenishing his tea and darting to his office. He'd almost forgotten how weird everyone was being when he spotted Mikasa stopping outside his room with a basket of laundry. Eyebrows furrowing slightly more than usual, he approached just as she was opening the door.

"Oi, the hell do you think you're doing?"

She didn't jump like most of the cadets would, merely turning and greeting him. "Hello, Captain. I noticed you hadn't gone to get your laundry yet, so I decided to bring it up for you."

Right, Connie mentioned finishing the laundry. Levi had forgotten between his paperwork, tea run, Armin, and the weird behaviors - which had come back in the form of Mikasa being generous. "Thank you, Ackerman, that was... nice of you," he finished lamely. He was at a total loss as to why her personal vendetta against him seemed to disappear. "I'll take those."

She handed over the basket of clothes without comment, saluting firmly. "Have a good evening, Corporal." She turned and left.

He stared after her, completely bewildered, before opening the door and setting the laundry basket down by the door. He would take care of it later. He sat down at his desk and stared blankly at the papers, barely registering what they said. The entire evening went like this, and he barely finished any paperwork. When dinnertime came around, he drug his feet to the mess hall, ashamed of his lack of progress. He was losing it over just a little bit of strange behavior!

Before he could make it to the room, however, he ran straight into Sasha, literally. She came around the corner and barrelled right into him, dropping food wrapped in foil. Both parties fell to the floor and the brunette whined slightly. She quickly realized just who she had run into and cowered as he stood, glaring down at her. She quickly fell to her hands and knees, begging to be forgiven.

"Quit the grovelling," Levi growled. Suddenly a thought struck him. "Oi, you're not going to act weird like the others, right?"

"W-Weird?" Understanding dawned on the girl's face and she giggled. "Oh, weird! Yeah, I bet things are pretty weird today, huh?"

Levi growled, he was sick of everything today and ready to put his fist through a window. He grabbed Sasha's collar and pulled her upright, earning a small squeak from her. "The fuck are you talking about?!" he hissed, eyes flashing. "Do you know something about this shit?!"

"Waah!" Sasha covered her face, wailing. "Please put me down, sir, I'll never steal food again!"

"What?" Levi did a double take, having forgotten about the food she'd been carrying. "No, you walking stomach, your teammates! Why have they been acting so fucking creepy?!"

Sasha paused. "So this isn't about the food?"

"Ugh, shitty brat, tell me and I'll drop your theft and give you double rations for a week!"

Sasha's eyes sparkled, and she was too happy to give up the information. At the mention of the deal Hanji had made, Levi released her, fuming.

"Come with me, Braus."

He entered mess hall and slammed his fist down on the nearest table, which was the one the new recruits happened to be sitting at. Half of them jumped and Armin squeaked in surprise. Straightening up, he glowered, and crossed his arms.

"I hear you have a deal going about me," he growled. Many from the 104th looked away guilty. "I'm fucking pissed you went and made a bet like that behind my back and more irritated that you were going to use me to get two weeks of vacation. So why don't I solve this issue for you?"

Sasha yelped slightly as Levi pulled her down by her collar, pressing his lips against hers in what she thought was a surprisingly sweet and nice kiss. He pulled away and glared at the shocked expressions before she could respond.

"Case solved. Braus wins. And by the way? Erwin and I are fucking, none of you had a chance." He stormed out of the room, and there was an intense moment of silence before Hanji started laughing loudly. She whooped, clapping and grinning widely, the only one in the room amused by the course of events.

"Woo! Sasha wins, indeed! She wasn't even trying and she wins!"

Sasha laughed awkwardly, recovering from the initial shock. "Right, I'm just that good. Wait - did he say him and the Commander-?"

"Why yes, he did, didn't you know?" Hanji rolled her eyes. "It's not a secret. But who cares? Two weeks of vacation!"

"Yeah! Two whole weeks!"

why is this a thing

love me babe

made it for yooouuu