"So, when was I going to find out Naruto was gone on a mission" if you had to describe how this situation made you feel, angry was a good one.
"I was hoping when he came back" Hinata looked like a cornered animal to you, mostly because you had her very cornered. "And he did try and tell you, you just fell asleep instead remember?"
"Oh so you just, choose to not mention it for the past few days why?" sure that was on you, but it was a full three days since he'd left.
"I, um, forgot?"
"You forgot, that guy you've been transforming into to trick me for the past few days, was gone?"
"When you put it like that, I seem like a very forgetful person."
"Or a really bad liar, and I know one of this a lie."
"Ok fine, yes I didn't want to tell you because I thought you'd be mad at me. Clearly, I was right!"
You scoff, trying to sound offended by her comment even if it's true. If she'd done it sooner you wouldn't have gotten mad; or even if she had just let you find out yourself instead of lying. You'd be even less mad if the two of you hadn't almost just, done the deed.
"How have you been in this relationship for this long, and you don't know what a limit point is?" this was what gave away her clever ruse.
"I'm not a goddamn analysist!" now Hinata was sounding kind of indignant about all this. "Why the hell do you know what that is? Why is that something you say as dirty talk?"
"If you knew Naruto you'd understand, it's what gets him going" it was sad but true.
"First off, I'm so upset to learn this fact, and secondly, I do know him! Weird math based dirty talk has just never come up!"
"How were you planning on seducing him? Flashing him and hoping for the best?"
"How can you make that sound like it's the weird thing to do? That's like, a normal way to start, the sex."
"Oh really? I am I talking to an expert on 'the sex?'" you use air quotes to mock her terminology.
"Am I? I've heard about Zabuza's cock blocking."
"DAMMIT WHO TOLD YOU" you didn't want her knowing you were equals in this sense.
"WHO DO YOU THINK?"
"GAARA?" you turn to him, you'd trusted him.
"I was merely trying to provide as much assistance as possible and it seemed like helpful information at the time" god dammit Gaara.
"How was that useful at the time exactly?"
"Hinata was concerned with her ability to keep up with a 'sexually experience' individual such as yourself. So I put her worries at ease with this information."
"Of course you did" you honestly don't know what you were expecting to hear.
"I can level the field if you'd like by revealing a personal secret of Hinata's?" now Gaara was talking.
"WHAT NO DON'T DO THAT" Hinata was fighting against his sand to try and plug his mouth.
"YES DO THAT" you are a gossipy bitch first.
"Hinata has expressed –hmpf" somehow she managed to get through the sand and shove her whole hand into his mouth.
"I HAVE EXPRESSED NOTHING, EVER" she was clearly very embarrassed about this secret, you had to know it.
"IT'S ONLY FAIR" you put her into a full nelson, pulling her hand out of Gaara's mouth.
"As I was saying" Gaara, to his credit, was almost entirely unfazed by her hand having been in his mouth. "Hinata has expressed concerns of the appearance of her behind being up to par with your own."
"Her what?" you're so confused by this your hold on her loosens enough for her to break free.
"Thank god you don't understand words that well" Hianta looked incredibly relieved.
"Oh was it unclear?" Gaara pulled out a notepad and read from it. "To directly quote you, 'Haku's ass is rounder than mine, and I know for a fact Naruto is as an ass man' end quote."
You can't control your laughter, partially due to hearing Gaara say that and Hinata's mortified expression. You crumple to the ground a cackling mess.
"Gaara, why do you have a notebook full of secret's I've told you?"
"Oh I always take notes when friends come to me for help, here's one from Naruto" he flips some pages. "Begin quote, 'Everyone says it's weird how my dreams involve so much math, but I don't think it's that weird. I admit it's weird the reaction my body has to it, but that's out of my control.' End quote."
"Ok what else have you got in there keep them coming" you're angry from moments ago completely forgotten in the face of this treasure trove.
"Do another Haku one next, to keep it fair" Hinata shoots you a dirty look to stop your protests.
"Fine yeah read one from me" you roll your eyes at her.
"Begin quote, 'Not too sound like a massive slut, but Naruto needs to hurry it the hell up and hit this already.' End quote."
"Ok I know for a fact I never said that" you try and save some dignity.
"Technically no, this was in one of the books you gave me to read, based off what I've learned it was about a week into you two dating."
"Wow, a whole week" Hinata 'Slut shame' Hyuuga apparently.
"Don't slut shame me, you didn't wear any underwear cause you thought he was going to pipe you on the first date."
"YOU TOLD ME NOT TO" her face was now bright red.
"I'm sorry, pipe?" Gaara's lack of slang knowledge was really a gift.
"It means get dicked down, which means get boned, which mean having 'the sex'" you say it again to mock her once more.
"Ah" Gaara made the 'ah' of not knowing but also not caring.
"You're the one who's constantly making it about sex between us all" Hinata was pointing and accusative finger at you now.
"Whoa, whoa, slow down there" you won't take this bold faced lie standing up. "You're the one who day one asked who'd get to fuck him first."
"I did not!"
"You did so!"
"See, this is why the notebook is helpful" Gaara was either selling those things, or just not picking up the vibe of the conversation.
"Yeah I think having it written down all the times Haku called me a 'Man stealing whore' would be very helpful here."
"First off, I never said man stealing, I said 'Wannabe man stealing whore.' There was no way you were gonna steal Naruto from me."
"Really? Cause last time I check I'm currently the most recently dated one here" oh she was pulling that card.
"Only because he felt bad after you sob story" if she was going to play dirty so were you. "Or did you miss the part where he knew so little about you he couldn't even set up the date alone?"
"Oh like your date was better? Didn't you go see a porn film?"
"Yeah and then we had a romantic dance among fire-flies under a beautiful sky and he told me he loves me, so boom better date" yeah you dropped the love card.
"Yeah, well, he has weird visions where I and he are married so, I think that's pretty telling about our future."
"Yeah and y'all name a kid Boruto and have a shit marriage he's told me all about it" she thought she had the upper hand here, the fool.
"Well, those visions inspired him to care more and be a better boyfriend to me so, some Borutos need to be sacrificed."
"That's cold, that's your future child."
"Hopefully not, I'm not raising a kid named Boruto."
"Amen Sister" you exchange a high-five with her.
"Also we totally smashed on my date with him I just didn't want to say" she says this and then quickly runs out of the room.
"YOU WHAT" your very dignified reply leaves you a bit frozen in place.
"So, should I put in my notes that you two made up or that you are now worse friends?" Gaara was diligently writing all this down.
"You can put down, Hinata Hyuuga: Time of death five fifty-six" you run after her, intent on either finding out this was a lie, or killing Hinata.