ONCE UPON A TIME, a long time ago, when all the animals could talk and there was magic in the air, there was a pretty little girl. Someone had given her a red cloak, so everyone called her Little Red Riding Hood.

One day Little Red Riding Hood's mother told her, "Take this basket of goodies to your grandma and then come right home and do your chores."

"But, mother, there is a big bad wolf in the forest, and I'd have to go through the forest both coming and going."

"You'd better get going, if you know what's good for you," replied her mother.

So Little Red Riding Hood took the basket of goodies and went hoppity skip, skppity hop, into the forest.

Soon the big bad wolf stepped out from behind a tree and asked, "Where are you going, little girl?"

"I'm going to my grandma's house, because my mother is too sick and feeble to take care of me."

"Nothing contagious, I hope," said the wolf, licking his chops. "Nothing wasting."

"No, she's just drunk."

"Where do you live, little girl?"

Little Red Riding Hood gave the wolf directions to her house, and went on her way, hoppity skip, skppity hop, through the forest.

The wolf rushed to Little Red Riding Hood's house, burst through the door, and ate Little Red Riding Hood's mother in a single gulp. Then, still hungry, he decided to eat grandma, too. He hastened back into the forest, taking the shortcut.

Meanwhile, Little Red Riding Hood had found a meadow filled with wildflowers and picked all she could carry. Then she went hoppity skip, skppity hop to grandma's house.

"Open the door, please, grandma! My arms are full of flowers and goodies!"

"Just use the latch, my dear," said a gruff voice. "I'm sick in bed."

Little Red Riding Hood opened the door and put her flowers and basket down on the table. Turning to the bed, she saw grandma with the covers pulled up to her chin.

"My, grandma, what big ears you have!"

"All the better to hear you with, my dear."

"My, grandma, what big eyes you have!"

"All the better to see you with, my dear."

"My, grandma, how hairy you are!"

"These personal remarks are eating away at my self-esteem, my dear."

"My, grandma, how big your teeth are!"

"All the better to EAT YOU UP!"

It wasn't grandma, it was the wolf! The wolf sprang from the bed, but Little Red Riding Hood produced a knife the wolf didn't know she had. She slit him from crotch to sternum. The wolf shrieked like a little girl.

Little Red Riding Hood slapped him hard to stop his cries, then pulled grandma out of his belly. Her mother poked her head out, but Little Red Riding Hood said, "Not you," and pushed her back.

To the wolf, she said, "You are a very bad wolf. I hope you are ashamed of yourself."

"I am. Most exceedingly."

"Then I will sew you up, and we'll say no more about it." And she did.

The wolf took himself off, promising never to trouble them again.

A little while later, a woodcutter rushed into the cottage. "I thought I heard screaming," he said.

"That was me," said Little Red Riding Hood. "I saw a mouse."

The woodcutter looked her up and down. He licked his chops and smiled. "That must have been terrible for you. Here, let me comfort you."

He reached for Little Red Riding Hood. With a knife he didn't know she had, she slit him from sternum to crotch. The woodcutter shrieked like a little girl.

Little Red Riding Hood slapped him hard to stop his cries, then glanced at his wound. "Hey, look! A pony!" She pulled the pony out of his belly.

To the woodcutter, she said, "You are a very bad man. I hope you are ashamed of yourself."

"I am, most exceedingly."

"Then I will sew you up, and we will say no more about it." And she did.

The woodcutter took himself off, promising never to trouble them again.

And Little Red Riding Hood, grandma, and the pony all lived happily ever after.

THE END