Inspired by me dropping the jam all over the kitchen floor. Oops. Also, this was initially for the MetamorFic_Moon contest, but then it got about two thousand characters too long. I tried shortening it, but it was still about a thousand characters off. Oh well, I'll write something else. Like maybe my term paper, heh…
Reviewers can have some actual lasagna – or chocolate, which is better.
____
"And, anyways, it's a Lupin family tradition," he added.
Tonks glared at him. "Pranking the Weasleys is not a Lupin family tradition, even if it is April Fools," she said, slamming a large pile of paperwork down on the kitchen table. "It's the twins' birthday, after all."
"All the more reason to liven things up a bit," Remus said, grinning from across the table. "If we could come up with something really grand –"
"I'm sure Mrs. Weasley has had enough people come over and destroy her house today, actually," Tonks said, Summoning two plates and sending them over by the stove. "I'm sick of cleaning up."
Remus raised an eyebrow, silently questioning why she wasn't so eager to jump in on the fun before remembering how she'd returned home half an hour late with odd purple stains all over her scarlet Auror robes. Tonks rolled her eyes, sighed theatrically, and launched into an explanation. "Some idiot decided to coat the entire International Cooperation floor with purple slime approximately the consistency of a warm Chocolate Frog. And because the only thing International Cooperation's good at is churning out paperwork –" she gestured to the towering stack on the table, the top sheet of which read EXAMINING UZBEKISTAN: CONFLICTS BETWEEN MINISTIRES IN THE PAST FOURTEEN YEARS "— they needed someone to clear the mess before all the cubicles started molding together. And they chose –"
"—you." Remus finished, fighting back laughter at the mental image of his wife wading through piles of violet goo, employing her choicest expletives as she sent curses and charms at the floor.
"And Dawlish," Tonks added, rolling her eyes again. "Which made things worse. Arrogant git," she muttered, and Remus chuckled again as she moved deeper into the kitchen.
"And then someone bewitched the memos to all fly to the wrong people, so I got one telling me to contact Brocklehurst about a batch of Crumple-Horned Snorkacks that I'd inquired about three weeks prior, so I had to sort that one out… And the whole toilet ordeal. That's what made me late. Never feed a toilet Puking Pastiles," she added, facing him as she Summoned a few cauldrons to the counter. Remus laughed heartily, though quieter than usual so not to disturb the sleeping blue-haired toddler upstairs.
"So how was your day?" she asked, and Remus mentally recounted the various dull activities. "Nothing too exciting," he confirmed. "Harry was over for a bit, to say hi to Teddy, and then he went over to the Burrow, Teddy went to bed and I made lasagna."
"Really?" Tonks asked. "That was nice." Instantly, she was suspicious.
"It's in the pantry. I actually cast a decent Refrigerating Charm on it this time."
"Really," she asked again. They were both horrible at household spells – with the exception of Reparo.
"Shall I fetch it for you?" Remus asked, a smile twitching at his lips as he rose, walked past her and opened the cabinet door. The lasagna sat alone on a plate, the only item on its shelf. Remus grabbed it and placed it on the counter. Tonks had to admit, it looked and smelled delicious. Lasagna after all was one of Remus's specialties.
"Do with it what you will," he said simply, leaning against the counter.
Tonks eyed the lasagna apprehensively. After a few seconds, she extracted her wand and drove it through the center – nothing except noodles and meat sauce poured out. She muttered "Revelio" several times, poking each corner and various points in the center. When nothing happened, she cut out a small piece, placed it on the counter, and cast an Exploding Charm. Remus laughed as bits of noodle and meat scattered across the counter, and Tonks Vanished away the mess, figuring that Remus actually had made a safe, quality lasagna for their consumption.
"All right," she said, turning back to face him. "I'm beginning to really appreciate this lasagna." He grinned as she continued, "I'll just warm it up."
As soon as she'd cast the spell, years of Marauder experience exploded in her kitchen.
A geyser of purple goo – almost exactly like the stuff Tonks had cleaned up only hours ago – erupted from the platter, the innocent lasagna instantly turning foul and splattering violet muck all over Tonks. Remus was out of the direct line of fire, but he received a substantial dousing. "Evanesco!" Tonks shouted, but the geyser wasn't about to disappear – it sputtered harder, finally exhausting itself and exploding in a bang of purple.
Tonks was nearly speechless – but not quite. "REMUS JOHN LUPIN!" she shouted, whirling around and banging her ankle on the counter. "Bugger! You – you –"
"I what?" Remus asked innocently, or as innocently as possible while doubling over in laughter.
Tonks sighed, attempting to wipe some of the slime off her face and failing. "You – you have purple goo on your face."
He laughed harder. "Coincidentally, so do you. My only regret is that apparently my idea wasn't original."
"How –?" she asked, still nearly speechless, as she tried variations of Scourgify on the gunk – which couldn't really be classified as liquid or solid – to no avail. Finally, she gave up an attempted to Vanish it, only succeeding in turning it lavender.
"Fred and George," Remus grinned. "New invention. Slime Shells, apparently – just bake them in with any other food and you get a nice little geyser – well, you've seen how it works. They'll be thrilled to hear how successful they are. Harry helped too – oh, and your son wasn't averse to the whole process."
Tonks rolled her eyes, imagining Teddy sitting at the table, clapping and cheering them on, his hair a vivid violet. "How did he sleep through that?" she wondered aloud, gesturing to the purple splotches all over the ceiling. "But more importantly, how do we clean it up?"
"Muggle way. Soap and water. It's all that works."
Tonks grinned. "Pardon me, then. How do you clean it up?" She glanced around the room. "Remus, you got slime on UZBEKISTAN!"
"It'll just have to wait then, I suppose," he replied. "For now, might I suggest that purple really is your color?"
She grinned again, morphing her hair purple to match the goo that was still oozing around the floor on its own accord. But as he moved closer to her, she decided he was right – it would just have to wait. Because even after this, there was no way she was mad enough to reject a little April Fools' Day snogging.