The Before Time

by ElwynWanderer

"Sometimes he wonders if he ever had that sort of constant in his life before, but his mind always shies away from that question, those thoughts, the before time. He isn't supposed to remember the before time." What happened to Sherlock after the fall.

The Before Time

By ElwynWanderer

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Disclaimer: Darn it, Moffat…!

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The first time he sees the limping man (clearly a psychosomatic problem; an army doctor, then), Lars is tracking down an organization leak. Just because their leader - Moriarty - is dead does not mean their contacts and meeting places and secret codes are anywhere close to falling apart - at least, not without interference from the Yard. Lars' job is to prevent that.

He is tailing DI Lestrade when he sees the limping man. Lestrade is meeting this man at a pub in London (old friend, met while on a murder case), and it is obvious to Lars that the Detective Inspector is the only thing keeping the limping man out that night instead of back at his flat, sitting and watching Telly.

No, Lars corrects himself, that's not it. The limping man jumped at the opportunity to go to the pub with Lestrade. It is not the company that he wants, but the ability to drink himself into oblivion.

Nothing of note will occur this evening, so Lars slips away, into the shadows and past the pub on the way to his dingy flat across town.

He passes Lestrade, and learns that the limping man's name is John.

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The second time Lars sees the limping man - John - it is while he is playing sentry outside a flat used by the possible traitor and the limping man draws his attention.

John was important, once, years ago when Moriarty was still alive and set on destroying his Enemy. That was before Lars' time in the organization; he doesn't know what was so important about John, only that he doesn't matter any more.

So it is a bit of a puzzlement to Lars when he finds himself following John with his eyes as John walks stiffly by. Lars has worked hard to get where he is today at the center of Moriarty's web, but when John reaches the street corner and starts to turn, leaving Lars' sight and possibly his life as well, Lars feels compelled to follow, and so he does.

After that, he quickly loses track of the number of times he sees the limping man, now that there is no reason to believe any given sight will be the last. He knows which flat is John's, and, when he is not consumed with his work tracking down the disappearances in the organization, he can observe John's half-hearted attempts at socialization and his shopping for those lonely little groceries for one. Lars finds it somehow comforting, having John's small existence hovering in the back of his mind - just there, the single constant in an equation. And sometimes he wonders if he ever had that sort of constant in his life before, but his mind always shies away from that question, those thoughts, the before time. He isn't supposed to remember the before time.

Then one day Lars is on his way to the rendezvous point with his contact in the government because despite his efforts there is nothing left of Moriarty's web but him, when the limping man sees him. He doesn't realize it at first, isn't aware of it (let his guard down, stupid, stupid), until he hears a clatter of a cane hitting pavement, the slap-slap-slap of feet running, a hand in a grip like iron on his shoulder. And then the limping man is staring up at him, eyes wide and disbelieving and imploring all at once, mouth silently forming the name of a dead friend. Then Lars is on the receiving end of an impressive right hook, and John is shouting at him for being such a complete arse and vanishing without a trace and I though you were dead and Sherlock.

Lars has never heard that name before, and he almost says so, musters his most condescending tone and opens his mouth to tell the limping man that he has clearly mistaken him for someone else -

- but -

John grabs him, pulls him into an embrace like he'll never let go, and Lars' mind starts to really think, whirs into action and process vast amounts of conflicting data like it hasn't done in years because there was never any point, never any reason to think of the before time, but now, now, he is thinking and it's all just a matter of deducing (lost someone - more than a friend but less than a lover - deluded himself into thinking I am that person except otherwise perfectly lucid, meaning he is either significantly less rational than he appears or I look a lot like this friend, beyond any point of doubt, and what are the odds of two unrelated people looking so similar and where did I come from anyway and what if and maybe and John), and then it is just Sherlock hugging John back, and everything is appallingly simple, and he just holds on.

Later, when John presses for details, Sherlock explains with no small measure of pride his infiltration of Moriarty's organization through self-administered post-hypnotic suggestion (and leaves out the parts that were accidental and the parts that were - necessary - to convince the more extreme skeptics, because those parts are painful to think about, even now, even to John). When John asks why it took so bloody long and how he even knew how to de-hypnotize himself, Sherlock more gently explains that John was the trigger, that he couldn't come near until the entire organization was taken down, that he had very cleverly not allowed himself to have any real contact with John until it was safe and then showed himself to John without even realizing it and wasn't that awfully clever. And when John rolls his eyes and gives Sherlock that grudgingly impressed but incredibly fond look that makes Sherlock's insides feel all strange and warm and asks him how he could pin everything about himself and his identity on one man, and didn't he at least have a backup plan, Sherlock honestly has no answer, because even the ability to turn himself into a different person hasn't given him the ability to understand himself.

Fortunately, John chooses this moment to kiss him, so Sherlock doesn't have to.